Chapter 5

Sola’s POV

“You’re going out?” Nakaupo si Hugh sa hood ng kaniyang kotse na siyang nasa tapat ng bahay nila.

“Yup.” Panandalian ko lang siyang tinignan. I don’t really have any business with him so I don’t think there’s a need on talking pa.

“Mama said that you and Rough went home last night soaking wet. Are you fine?” Nang tignan ko siyang muli, may pag-aalala mula sa kaniyang mukha.

“I’m completely fine.” Ngumiti lang ako sa kaniya at nagsimula nang maglakad paalis subalit agad siyang nagsalita.

“Where are you going? Hatid na kita?” I heard him ask kaya nilingon ko siyang muli. I don’t really know why he’s going after me now when in fact I remember writing him as someone who’s just loyal in the main lead. Well, yes they haven’t met but I don’t think he’s interested in someone else’s business.

“No need and I already told you to distance yourself. I hope you remember.” Tipid ko pa siyang nginitian. The owner of this life can try to just tell him that she likes him again once she came back.

I tried to go in my real house but I didn’t see anything at all. Napakagat na lang ako sa aking mga labi habang pinagmamasdan ang kabundukan. In the end, I just go back to the city again. Sa convenience store ako muling nagtungo. Agad kong nakitang naroon pa rin si Gaile. Napabuntonghininga ako bago pumasok sa loob. I bought one cup of noodles, two bottle of drinks and one footlong.

Umupo ako sa tabi niya, I gave the footlong to her kaya agad siyang napalingon sa akin. Noong una’y nakitaan ko ng gulat ang kaniyang mukha tila ba may in-expect na ibang tao but when she saw me, she just laugh to herself.

Whenever they are here ni Franco, he was always buying a footlong for Gaile and looks like Gaile remembers it.

“Are you sure you can just keep on eating that?” Both of us know that she’ll die but it seems like she wanted it to happen anytime soon with all the junk food she’s eating. Binabawi ang mga taong hindi niya naranasang kumain niyon.

“It’s fine. Thank you for your concern though…” She even smile at me before eating the footlong but my lips parted when I saw tears in her eyes. Agad niya ring pinalis ‘yon.

“Oh, I’m sorry,” natatawang saad niya nang mapansin na nakatingin ako sa kaniya.

“I just remember something…” Nagpatuloy na lang siya sa pagkain. Nanatili rin ang katahimikan sa aming dalawa. Hinihintay ko lang lumambot ang noodles na mayroon ako.

“I’m dying,” she said. Kahit na alam ko na ‘yon, hindi ko na napigilan pa ang masamid.

“Oh…” Gusto kong kutusan ang sarili dahil sa reaksyon. Natawa naman siya nang mahina sa akin.

“I know it seems random and maybe you’re not interested but I still want to share it… Do you have time?” tanong niya sa akin. Napatango lang ako roon. She’s the reason why I’m here to begin with. I know that she’ll die soon and I feel responsible now.

“Can I share a story?” Tumango akong muli. 

Ngumiti siya bago nagsimulang magkwento. I was the one who wrote it all pero bakit parang may tumutusok sa aking dibdib ngayong pinakikinggan ko siya? Bakit parang ang sakit ngayong naririnig na galing sa kaniya?

“The day I spent with that guy was the happiest day of my life…” sambit niya na may ngiti sa mga labi.

“If that’s the case why don’t you tell him what you feel?” I ask. Now that she’s in front of me, I can’t help but think how frustrated my readers are when they read it.

“I just don’t want to leave this life leaving what ifs and heartache with him. I want him to remember me as someone who was carefree and happy rather than someone who’ll end up dying.” Ngumiti pa sita at napakibit ng balikat.

“Don’t you think that you’re unfair? Hindi mo ba naisip na baka mas maraming what ifs ang mayroon siya ngayon?” I know because I was the one who made Franco. After their deal ended, Franco live his life with a lot of questions. He was asking himself if that two months with him doesn’t really affect Gaile. Every day he was still thinking of Gaile. Gaile was the one who help him realize his dream. Gaile was the one who ignite a fire of hope for him to get back on track of life.

He didn’t chase after a person who just gave her first name. But even then, he still keep on trying to look after her. ‘Yon nga lang, saka niya lang nalaman ang buong pangalan ni Gaile nang mawala na si Gaile. Saka niya lang nalaman ang buong pangalan nito sa mismong puntod na niya.

Gaile just smile at me when I said that. Nanatili lang ang tingin niya sa kawalan. As if my words affected her too. As it should.

“I don’t know… I already decided that I’ll stay away from him until I died… I was already lucky in that two months… I was already happy with those moments…” she said before she eat again. Napatitig ako sa kaniya.

“You can be greedy, Gaile… You can be greedy for the last time…” Even if she already thinks of just quietly dying, I still wrote doubt from her mind. I still wrote a greedy part on her mind. I was lucky that I can see her thoughts throughout the books too.

Agad nanlaki ang mga mata niya sa akin tila ba hindi makapaniwalang nabasa ko ang kaniyang iniisip.

“You—You know what I want and you also know my name…” mahinang bulong niya. Isang tipid na ngiti lang ang ibinigay ko sa kaniya.

Hanggang sa maghiwalay kami ng landas ay hindi pa rin siya makapaniwala. Umuwi na rin ako kalaunan. I don’t even know why I’m wasting my time to something I already know the ending with. Napabungtonghininga na lang ako habang bagsak ang balikat na dahan-dahang binubuksan ang gate para hindi maglikha ng kahit anong ingay.

“Why do you look like a rat who was trying to sneak out?” Napatalon ako sa gulat nang may magsalita sa gilid ko. Masamang tingin ang ibinigay ko kay Rough dahil bigla-bigla na lang ‘tong nagsasalita.

“Can’t you see that I’m going inside?” Inirapan ko pa siya kaya napatawa ito.

“Are you going to type and try to stay awake until morning again?” tanong niya sa akin. That’s my plan. Nang pabalik na ako rito sa bahay na ‘to, hindi ako mapakali dahil wala na naman akong naisulat. I was in my writing slump. I was just really trying my best to form a words.

“Can’t you rest?” Hindi pa ako nakakapasok kaya ang dami niya pang tanong. Hindi ko na sana papansinin pa subalit nagsalita muli ito.

“Do you want to have dinner with me? Tita said that you’re supposed to eat with them but since Hugh rejected you, you’re trying to avoid him.” I can’t avoid but sarcastically laugh at that. Do they really think that? I guess I can’t really do anything about it. I wonder what the owner of this life keeps on doing. Napangisi na lang ako roon at napailing.

“Fine, where are you going to eat?” tanong ko kay Rough na siyang nakatayo lang sa tabi ko habang hinihintay akong magdesisyon. Agad siyang napangiti at agad na hinawakan ang palapulsuhan ko.

“Do you eat chiksilog?” he asked with a smile. Ang kaniyang singkit na mga mata’y nawawala na naman.

“Nakakakita ka ba kapag inalis ko ang salamin mo?” Napatawa siya sa aking tanong.

“Malamang. Hindi naman ako bulag.” Right.

“And to answer your question. I eat chiksilog. I’m not picky eater at all.” Napataas siya ng kilay roon.

“Really? But Tita said that you always try to separate something you don’t like in your plate?” The owner of this life may be one but I’m not. Still, I won’t voice it out.

Pinasakay niya lang ako sa kaniyang motor. As usual, mahigpit lang ang hawak ko rito. I don’t even know why I’m so comfortable being with him.

Mayamaya lang ay nakarating kami sa lungsod at bumili lang din ng chiksilog. I thought we’ll eat there subalit pinasakay niya ulit ako bago dinala sa mataas na building mula sa townshall.

“Can we really come here?” tanong ko dahil sa rooftop pa talaga ang napili niyang lugar. Napakibit siya ng balikat doon.

“Oo naman basta hindi tayo mahuhuli.” Napaawang ang labi ko kaya napahalakhak siya bago ako hinawakan sa palapulsuhan. Dinala niya lang ako sa railings. 

“Are you planning on killing me after we eat?” Ang singkit niyang mga mata’y agad na nanlaki dahil sa sinabi ko.

“Of course not! What are you even thinking?” Naiiling na lang ito habang natatawa.

Mababa lang naman ang rooftop dito at may halamanan sa baba. Kung mahuhulog man, hindi naman siguro mamamatay. Mababaliaan nga lang ng buto.

Naupo ako sa tabi nito. Both of us just eat peacefully. Malamig ang simoy ng hangin subalit mainit ang gabi. I don’t even know how I’m calm. Tila kahit naiisip nang kailangan kong magsulat, hindi pa rin ako natataranta.

After we ate, natahimik lang kami habang nakatingin sa paligid. 

Nakakahalina nga naman. Parang gusto ko ring tumalon hanggang sa tuluyan na akong maglaho. Unti-unti nga lang bumigat ang nararamdaman ko. Napatingin ako sa baba. Nakakatakot. Paano nagawang ipunin ng ilang karakter na sinulat ko ang kanilang lakas ng loob at subukan ang tumalon dito?

Napatingin ako kay Rough. Paano niya nakayanang gawin ‘yon?

“What? Crush mo na ba ako?” Tumawa pa siya kaya mas lalo akong napatitig sa kaniya. Wow. Why do I feel like I don’t want that smile to be erase on his face? I want him to remain that way even if he’s annoying me.

“Do you see those books around people’s head?” I asked Rough. Agad napakunot ang noo niya habang nakatingin sa akin ngayon.

“Are you going to say a philosophy quote where people's head is like a book, something like that?" natatawang tanong ni Rough but when he saw me being serious, unti-unting napakunot ang noo niya. 

"Are you joking?” Nanatili lang ang tingin ko sa libro.

“What about the colors? Do you see how the colors fade whenever someone’s walking?” tanong kong muli. Mas lalong kumunot ang noo niya sa akin.

“Are you having a hard time in your life? Do you want my advice?” Kuryoso niya pa akong nilingon. I chuckled. It seems like he sees me as someone who’s getting crazy now.

“You look prettier when you smile,” he said with a smile on his face.

“Why don’t you smile more often?” Napangisi ako sa tanong niya. The world took that smile from me. The world made my life fuck up. Hindi ko sinagot ang tanong niya. Instead, I ask him a question too.

“Don’t you think that the world is too cruel?” Napalingon siya sa akin doon.

“Funny how you didn’t really ask to be born but at the end you needed to live… You need to struggle to keep on living,” mahinang saad ko. Both of us was just looking at people around. Pianood ko lang kung paanong mag-iba ang kulay bawat apak ng mga tao sa kanilang nilalakaran.

“It is indeed cruel. And you look like life already fuck you so much—”

“Buti ‘di pa ako buntis?” Agad napaawang ang labi niya roon kaya pareho kaming natawa.

“Continue,” ani ko kaya natawa siya nang mahina.

“I said when life fuck you up again, go to me.” Napataas ang kilay ko roon.

“When you don’t have someone you can run too. Run to me, I’ll welcome you with my arms wide open.” Kasabay ng pagngiti niya ang pagkalat ng mga kulay mula sa madilim na parte ng lugar na ‘to.

I hope he can be true to his word.