Chapter 11

Sola’s POV

A lot of events passes by and I’m still here. I don’t even know why is that the case. A lot of events happened too. I enjoy myself for those events but I don’t really know at all if I deserve it. There’s a time that I feel like it’s fine but of course, there’s a lot of time that the reality will slap me and will keep on telling me that it’s not really my life.

Like today. It’s Christmas. I visit my Mom and Dad’s house. No. They are not really my Mom and Dad. It’s the owner of this life’s parents. Now, I feel even guiltier that I keep on calling them that.

“How are you, Baby? Is my baby’s fine now?” tanong ng ina ng may-ari ng buhay na ‘to.

“I’m fine po…” ani ko na sinubukan pang mag-iwas ng tingin. I don’t really know how to face them at all. I was so awkward since the time that I came home here. Ni hindi ko nga alam kung paano ba sila pakikitunguhan.

“What’s wrong, Baby? I’m getting sad with the way you treat us. Why are you even being formal?” Umupo na ang Mama ng may-ari ng buhay na ‘to sa tabi ko. May pag-aalala mula sa kaniyang mukha. Ganoon din ang ama nito na nakatitig din sa aking mukha. Napatikhim ako at sinubukan na lang na ngumiti sa kanila. Ni hindi ko alam kung paano nga ba makikipag-usap sa mga ito.

For how many days I’m here at the house too, hindi ko magawang masanay na may magulang na tinatrato ako ng tama dahil kailanman ay hindi ko rin talaga naranasan. Napangiti na lang ako nang mapait.

If I’m in another universe or even if I’m just in a dream, I’m glad that the Sola in the other world is living the life that I never had.

“I’m okay po. I’m just really thinking about random things.” Awkward pa akong ngumiti rito kaya mas lalo lang nanatili ang naniningkit niyang mga mata sa akin.

“Aba’t nitong nakaraan ka pa nag-iisip, Anak, huh? Ano bang nangyayari sa ‘yo? Hanggang ngayon ba’y hindi ka pa rin nakaka-move on kay Hugh?” tanong nito. Bahagya akong napangiti, kasabay rin niyon ang sakit na nararamdaman. She’s really lucky. She can say whatever she wanted to say to her Mom and Dad while I don’t have anyone to tell my things with in my old life.

“And you aren’t telling us things like you use to before. Talagang magtatampo na ako sa ‘yo. Bihira ka na ring tumawag. If we won’t reach out to you, we won’t even be able to talk with each other,” aniya pa sa akin kaya napabuntonghininga na lang ako. It was so awkward for me whenever I talk to them through phone. I tried my best to answer their questions but I don’t know how to tell them stories and sometimes I can’t relate what they are saying at all.

“I’m sorry po…” mahina kong sambit.

“Stop cornering your daughter now, Elizabeth. She already told you that she’s busy with school. Nandito siya para magpahinga ngayon,” anang ama ng may-ari ng buhay na ‘to. Ni hindi naman ako makatingin sa kanilang dalawa.

Isang malalim na buntonghininga ang pinakawalan ni Mrs. Elizabeth.

“Fine… But always remember that we’re just here for you, right?” tanong ni Mrs. Elizabeth sa akin. Hindi ko alam kung paano ako tatango rito. She looks like she have a lot of questions to me but she’s also trying her best to let me rest.

Nang pumasok sila sa kusina’y napatitig lang ako sa mga ito.

I wonder how does it feel to have a caring family like them. Napangiti na lang ako nang mapait sa sarili before I walk towards my room here. Sa ilang araw kong pananatili rito, madalas ay nagkukulong lang ako sa aking kwarto. It feels awkward to have a stranger treating you like their family when in my reality, my parents abandon me. Ni hindi na ako binalikan pa sa bahay ampunan.

Don’t get me wrong. They treat me so good. So good that I keep on questioning myself if I ever deserve to be treated like this.

Nakuyom na lang ako ng kamao bago walang ganang nahiga sa aking kama.

Napatingin ako sa phone ko nang makitang may tawag doon mula kay Rough.

“Hey…” mahinang bati ko sa kaniya. For the past months that I’m here, Rough was the only one who was with me the whole time. I always forget that this is not my life when I’m with him. I don’t really know why.

“Why does your tone sounds sad?” Tipid akong napangiti. Sa dalas naming magkasama’y pati tinig ng isa’t isa’y kabisado na rin.

“It’s nothing. Are you in your province now?” tanong ko sa kaniya.

“Yup. I already saw my family. My little brother keeps on asking if I’ll bring you here, are you going to come over?” Tatlong bayan lang ang pagitan ng probinsiya naming dalawa. I can’t believe how near he is when he said that he’s just around the owner of this life’s house.

“Hmm, is it really fine?” I don’t even know if I’m asking him or myself.

“Of course. They would love to see you here too,” aniya na tumawa pa.

“Hmm, I feel like you talk about me there. Siniraan mo ba ako, huh?”

“It’s the other way around,” bulong niya kaya napatikhim na lang ako bago iniba ang usapan.

We just talk with each other until I finally needed to do my own job. Tahimik lang ako habang pinipilit ang sariling magsulat. Buong araw ay nagkulong lang ako sa aking silid.

Kinagabihan, Mrs. and Mr. Mandirigma called me. We ate peacefully our dinner. Napakagat ako sa aking labi nang ipaglagay ako ng pagkain ni Mrs. Elizabeth.

“All of these are your favorite food. Pinaluto ko talaga ‘yan kina Manang para sa ‘yo, Anak…” Mrs. Elizabeth said.

“Thank you po, Mrs. Elizabeth.” Pasubo na sana ako sa aking pagkain nang makitang nahinto silang dalawa dahil sa sinabi ko. Agad napaawang ang labi ko at tila gusto nang saktan ang sarili. This is the reason why I shouldn’t open my mouth.

“You’re kidding again. Aba’t akala ko’y buong araw ka lang magbubugnot habang nandito sa bahay.” Tumawa pa si Mrs. Elizabeth doon. Napatitig ako sa kanilang dalawa ni Mr. Daniel. Both of them looks like they thought I was just joking around. When they saw that I was serious, agad binitawan ni Mrs. Elizabeth ang kaniyang kubyertos.

“Let’s just continue eating. Then you should rest. I know na ‘yon lang naman ang ipinunta mo rito,” ani Mrs. Elizabeth. Sinubukang palamigin ang kaniyang tinig subalit hindi naman na naitago pa ang pagtatampo sa kaniyang tinig. Mariin ko na lang na kinagat ang aking labi roon.

Wala ng ni isa pang nagsalita sa aming tatlo at nanahimik na lang sa pagkain until the end of our dinner.

As usual balik agad sa kwarto matapos ang tahimik naming pagsasalo subalit hindi na rin ako mapakali habang nasa loob dahil pakiramdam ko’y nasaktan ko ang Mama ng may-ari ng bahay na ‘to. I feel like it’s my fault for making them feel that way. Of course, it is.

Lumabas ako ng kwarto at magpapahangin sana para makapag-isip-isip subalit nakita ko na sina Mrs. Elizabeth and Mr. Daniel na nakaupo sa kanilang terrace. Hindi ko man gustong pakinggan ang usapan ng mga ‘to, nagawa ko na.

“We shouldn’t send her there! It’s our fault that our daughter is sloslwy changing and turning to different person!” sambit ni Mrs. Elizabeth.

“I understand what you are saying, Eli. But our daughter is hitting puberty too. And it’s fine for our daughter to change. Hindi na bata si Sola…” mahinahong sambit ni Mr. Daniel.

“But that change is not for good, Daniel! Alam mong ibang-iba ang anak natin sa Sola na kaharap natin kanina. Her eyes are cold. Parang hindi ko na kilala pa ang sarili kong anak! I want our daughter back!” ani Mrs. Elizabeth. Kumuyom ang kamao ko bago mariing kinagat ang aking labi. Right. This is my fault. I shouldn’t act like this even if I despite being treated so tenderly dahil lang sa inggit ko. I shouldn’t let their relationship begin to crumble just because of me.

Napatalikod na lang ako roon bago ako nagtungo sa kwarto. I still need to organize my thoughts. Even if I’m determine that I would like to maintain their relationship. Hindi ko maipagkakaila na bahagya rin akong nasaktan sa sinabi nito.

Tila ba nagbabalik ang mga tanong sa akin mula bata ako. Bakit ako? Bakit kailangang ako? Sa dami ng Solus Isabela Mandirigma, bakit ako lang? Bakit wala akong magulang? Bakit ang hirap-hirap mabuhay? Bakit laging palpak kapag sa akin na? Bakit ang dali akong itapon sa bahay ampunan? Bakit?

Tears slowly fell from my eyes while looking around the owner of this life’s room.

“Right. Even things here are not mine at all. Bakit ako na naman? I already move on. Tapos na ako rito kaya bakit kailangang isampal na naman sa akin ang katotohanang kaawa-awa ang buhay na mayroon ako?” I can’t help but ask while my tears is already like a river that keeps on falling from my eyes.

Gusto kong saktan ang sarili subalit hindi ko maiwasan ang matawa habang patuloy pa rin ang pagbuhos ng luha.

“Ah, this body isn’t mind either,” mahinang bulong ko sa aking sarili.

My phone ring. The only belonging that I have. Unti-unting napaawang ang labi ko nang makitang may tawag mula sa unknown number doon. Afad akong napadiretso ng upo.

“Who’s this? Faith? Is that you?”

“Huh? Sola? Where are you? I thought we’ll eat light snack after our noche buena with our family? I’m already outside your house. And why are your voice like that? Are you crying?—” Hindi ko pinatapos ang sasabihin nito at napatingin na lang sa cellphone na hawak. Kumunot lang ang noo ko roon. It’s really my phone but it slowly died. Still, I can hear him through the owner of this life’s phone.

“Hey, still listening?” tanong niya sa akin mula sa kabilang linya.

“I am. I’m going outside now,” ani ko. I tried to fix myself.

Magpapaalam pa sana ako kina Mrs. and Mr. Mandirigma but it looks like Rough already told them.

“Alright. Ingat kayo. Ibalik mong buo ang anak ko, Rough,” banta pa ni Mr. Daniel sa kaniya. Nakayuko lang naman ako. I already put a lot of concealer but I feel like it’s not enough. Isa pa, I just can’t really look at Mrs. and Mr. Mandirigma right now.

“Uwi rin agad,” ani Mrs. Elizabeth. Balik na ulit sa pagiging malambing ang tinig nito. Tipid lang akong ngumiti at napatango.

Nang makalabas, nakasunod lang ako kay Rough. Patungo na kami sa motor niya nang bigla itong huminto sa tapat ko dahilan kung bakit napasubsob ako sa kaniyang likod.

Nagtataka ko naman siyang nilingon nang dumapo ang kaniyang mata sa akin.

“Why? Is there something wrong?” nagtataka kong tanong.

“I should be the one asking you that, Sola. What’s wrong?” Napaawang ang labi ko roon at hindi rin nagsalita.

“Can I hug you?” Napatitig lang ako sa kaniya at hindi na rin namalayan ang sariling yumayakap dito.

Ang pinipigilang luha’y unti-unti na namang umapaw. Hindi ko na namalayan na para na akong batang umiiyak sa kaniyang bisig ngayon.