Sunday nights are family nights, a tradition that began once I started college.

I'll admit that it had been weird to move out at first, to leave behind my family and start over on my own. I'm quite a homebody, so moving out of my parent's house and into a dorm had been harder on me than I'd thought it'd be.

As I enter my parent's house and find myself met with commotion, I begin second-guessing my former thoughts.

Immediately, I notice the twins (who are now 15) in the living room, tossing a toy back and forth for Toby (the collie puppy my parents got last Christmas), who races between them. Jackie (now a very outgoing and adorable 7 year old) wanders into the room, dragging a dog rope behind her, which instantly steals Toby's attention. Reeve and Grayson watch our sister with faint smiles as she plays tug-of-war with Toby, ending up on the losing side.

Watching the scene play out, I'm amazed by how much my younger brothers seem to have matured. Three years ago, the boys would be fighting each other for Toby's attention. Not to mention, there would probably be a lot more screaming.

"Hey!" I say to grab their attention.

"Blake!" Jackie cries, racing up to me and wrapping me in a bear-hug. Though I'm smiling, a sadness seeps through my chest. It's hard to see Jackie every once and a while and realize that I'm missing out on watching her grow up. I try to visit home as often as I can, yet not living here full-time means I miss out on more than I first thought I would.

Reeve and Grayson approach to greet me, both offering smiles and quick hugs. The twins really stepped up when I moved out, helping to keep the house tidy and babysit Jackie when the time calls for it. I had my doubts at first, but I have to admit that the twins are much more responsible than I sometimes give them credit for.

I ruffle Grayson's dark hair as I tease, "So, how'd your date go last night, Gray?"

Grayson shies away from me, his cheeks tinted a light shade of pink.

"Cut it out," Grayson murmurs, adjusting his hair.

"Yeah, Gray," Reeve chimes in. "How did your date with Maddie go?"

"Why don't you tell Blake about that girl I caught you kissing in the hallway instead, Reeve?" Grayson shoots back.

"Her name is Sabrina," Reeve says with a smirk before adding, "And I don't kiss and tell."

Grayson merely rolls his eyes, walking away from me and Reeve. I watch him go with a faint smile, realizing that my brothers really have grown up. It's a happy thought, at the same time it leaves me feeling hollow. However, I'd be lying if I said I hadn't grown used to the feeling of being empty. Sometimes I wonder what it's going to take to make me feel whole again.

"Hey," Reeve says, startling me out of my thoughts. Glancing at him, I'm amazed to find he's nearly taller than me now.

Peering at me intently, he questions softly, "You okay?"

"I'm fine," I assure Reeve with a forced smile. "I was just . . . thinking."

Reeve nods, though he looks skeptical. He offers me a brief smile before planting a sweet kiss on my cheek, telling me he missed me before wandering into the kitchen after Grayson.

I enter the kitchen shortly after, finding my mother standing behind the counter and dicing a tomato. She looks up and offers me a grin, walking toward me for a hug.

"Hi sweetie," Mom says.

"Hey, Mama." I turn to my father next, grinning up at his tall frame. I give him a hug as he kisses the top of my head before going to help Mom with the cooking.

Brooke stands by the table, and I watch as she sets a few plates down before turning to beam at me. Brooke is now twenty-two, two years older than me. She's in her last year of school, and I see her around campus every once in a while. She doesn't live in the dorms anymore tho, as she rents an apartment with a friend of hers.

Brooke envelops me in a hug, and I linger in her arms longer than I mean to. We grew pretty close three years ago, after having drifted apart of a while, the distance between us having grown with time. When I began attending university, I assumed our strengthened bond would last, since we would be at the same school. But then Brooke moved off campus and got a job, and once again time and distance has put a strain on our relationship.

It's nice to be back home, surrounded by the people I love. My heart feels heavy when I remember I won't be staying.

"Dinner will be ready soon," Mom tells us, moving some chopped vegetables into a pot. "Why don't you guys find something to do so you'll stop crowding the kitchen?"

Dad chuckles at Mom's bluntness. Brooke rolls her eyes playfully as she mutters, "Yes, Mother."

Us kids end up in the backyard, even though it's cutting close to sunset. A rush of nostalgia flows through me as I think back to playing with Brooke by the swing-set when we were younger, recalling family barbecues and hot summers, and finally the first time Noah Reed ever came to my house. We had dinner together right by the table on the patio.

I can't seem to stop myself from thinking about Noah now that I know he's back in town. For a while, I'd been doing okay. I hadn't seen Noah in three years and was able to keep my thoughts about him to a minimum, and I even started seeing other people again. But now that I know he's back, it's like I can't escape him. I see him everywhere, our memories together playing on repeat in my head.

I seem to really enjoy torturing myself with the pain of the past.

Coming back to reality, I see Jackie showing off some of her new soccer tricks. The twins played soccer for years, so I wasn't surprised when I heard Jackie wanted to start as well. When the boys were younger, they used to gripe about having their little sister copy them. However, now the boys are cheering our younger sister on, appraising her as she bounces the ball from her knee to the tip of her foot before kicking it towards Grayson.

The boys strike up a game with Jackie, fighting over the ball to get to be the one to shoot it into the net. I find my feet dragging me forward until I'm standing in the center of the year, mumbling, "Go easy on me guys, okay?"

Reeve laughs as he kicks me the ball. "Do you even remember how to play?"

I played soccer throughout my middle school years, though I haven't picked up the game since. Still, I feel an urge to prove my brother's teasing wrong. Deep in concentration, I use a foot to spiral the ball upward, kicking it off the back of my foot before shooting it into the net.

Hands on my hips, I say, "I don't know, Reeve. You tell me."

"I want in on this," Brooke says, joining us. Soon enough, the five of us end up in a heated game of World Cup, each of us serving as our own team.

"Dinner's ready!" Mom cries as Reeve makes a goal, interrupting our game. Reeve lets out a loud whoop, as he's technically our winner. We head inside, each of us finding seats at the table.

"So, how's your school year been going so far, Blake?" Dad asks once dinner starts, offering me a proud smile. I know he's pleased that I chose to follow in his footsteps to study to become a teacher. I'm happy to have been able to make him proud.

"Everything's been pretty good so far," I assure him. "I think I'm going to get to be a teaching assistant soon, so that's fun. Nothing's been too hard yet."

"I still can't believe you want to be a teacher," Grayson mumbles. "I mean, you finally graduated school, only to go to more school to learn how to teach at a school?"

"Dude," Reeve says to Grayson, "the word school was used way too much in that sentence."

I laugh as I mutter, "I know, right? Why would I want to deal with little brats like you two all day?"

"Hey." Reeve points his fork at me. "You love little brats. Nobody here is forcing you to teach them."

"Fair enough," I admit.

"What about you, Brooke?" Mom asks. "How's your new job going?"

"It's okay," Brooke says with a shrug. "I mean, being a receptionist isn't ideal, but I like it enough." Last year, Brooke interned at a law firm in the next town over. They liked her so much they ended up hiring her as a receptionist. At this rate, she'll probably be moved to a higher position before she graduates.

"And how'd your date last night go, Gray?" Dad asks. We all watch as Grayson begins to blush.

"It was fine," Grayson murmurs, embarrassed. "Can we stop talking about it now?"

"You know," Dad says slowly, "I spoke to Matt yesterday."

My heart stops in my chest at my father's words. My throat tightens and I stiffen, visibly uncomfortable. I knew conversation of Noah would come up at some point tonight, though I suppose I was hoping to be proved wrong.

"You did?" Mom asks casually. "What did he say?"

"He said the family's doing good. Business is steady. Caroline's happy with the baby." Thinking about the newest addition to the Reed family warms my heart slightly. Caroline and Matt's daughter, Charlotte, is the cutest little thing.

"He mentioned that Noah's back in town," Dad continues, averting his gaze from me. I can sense my family's discomfort at the mention of Noah.

"Oh," Mom says faintly. "Did he mention for how long?"

"Matt said Noah would be staying for a while," Dad admits. "Something about Noah wanting to come home."

The room falls silent around me. I know my family wants to be respectful of me, as they know how much Noah's leaving and our breakup hurt me. However, I feel the need to clear the air. If Noah is back in town, it's inevitable that we'll run into him at some point. I don't want my family to feel like I'm holding a grudge, especially after how hard I've been trying to move on.

"Jess told me that Noah was back this morning," I say. "I already knew. And . . . it's okay. I mean, Noah's family is here. Of course he's going to visit sometimes."

"So . . . you're okay with it?" Brooke asks after a moment, glancing at me curiously.

"Of course!" I say too quickly, grinning too widely. "I've moved on. Noah and I tried and didn't work out. After all this time, I think I'm okay."

"I know, sweetie," Mom murmurs as she rests her hand on top of mine. "But I also know how much you—"

"I'm okay, Mama." I give her a tight-lipped smile, cutting her off. The last thing I need right now is to be reminded of how much I loved Noah Reed. I'm aware of that all on my own. It's how much I loved him that makes all of this so painful.

I offer my family a flowing grin, one that I know will appear so perfectly at ease no one will second-guess if I'm okay. As the conversation shifts to a new topic, I find that I'm right. Nobody needs to know about the pain that hides behind my smile or the tears that begin to prick at my vision.

Nobody needs to know that I've been hurting for so long now, I can't even remember what it feels like to be okay.

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a/n: hi here are some pictures i took last week with my girlfriend bc she's cute and i feel like showing her off