"So, have you heard?"

I glance at Jess, my best friend, skeptically as I lower into the seat before me, holding back a smile. If there's one thing I know about my best friend, it's that she can be quite the drama queen. Jess has a tendency to make ordinary things into something extravagant, especially when it comes to gossip. I suppose it was only fitting for her to choose drama as her major when we started university last year, and to keep going with it into our sophomore year.

The last thought has me thinking of my own college experience so far, and I smile at the memories. After I graduated high school, I began attending the university in the next town over, where my father works. My sister and a friend of mine, Mia McHenry, also attended the school. Jess and I started together, of course, though we don't see each other around campus as much as we'd like. I suppose this is because Jess chose to take up drama, while I began training to become a teacher.

I guess my career choice had been pretty expected, considering my father is a teacher and I've been surrounded by kids my whole life. Having so many younger siblings means that I was often helping them out with little things, such as homework. Part of me always knew I wanted to work with kids when it came to choosing a career, and teaching is what seemed natural.

Coming back to reality and noticing Jess staring at me makes me realize I've spaced and ignored her question. I look around the campus courtyard before reaching for my coffee, remembering to answer her.

"Heard what?" I ask.

Jess's expression turns hesitant. I begin to feel immensely curious as my best friend averts her dark eyes from me, focusing on the tabletop in front of us.

"Jess!" I exclaim. "You have to tell me now. I mean, you brought this upon yourself."

Jess still looks nervous as she bites down on the corner of her lip. Glancing at her, it's hard to believe I've been by her side since elementary school. We're both twenty now, young women who have evolved and grown together. The plus side is that there is nobody else I'd rather grow with, as Jess is the best friend I could ever ask for. However, the down side is that I know everything about her, including being able to read her easily. The expression she wears now tells me that my best friend is keeping something from me, something I have the strong urge to know.

"Jess," I say in a warning tone.

"Okay, okay," she murmurs, surrendering. "I'll tell you. Just promise you won't be mad at me."

My eyebrows furrow as I glance at Jess quizzically. "Why would I be mad at you?"

"Well, something tells me you're not going to be very pleased with what I have to tell you." Before I have a chance to respond, Jess blurts, "Noah's back."

With the one sentence, I can feel my resolve disintegrating. I'm suddenly wishing I hadn't cared so much about what Jess had to say. Somewhere deep within my heart, a little broken piece twists into my mended parts, causing pain so sharp it almost feels fresh.

Just thinking about Noah Reed puts a damper on my mood. The last time I saw him was three years ago, the same day our relationship that had been hanging by a thread finally broke loose. I remember it like it was yesterday, emotions I'd felt in the moment instantly rushing back. I can still see him when I close my eyes, how angry and indifferent he'd been. Staring into his eyes that day, it was like all of his light had left him. Dead. That's the only word I can think of to describe the way he looked in the moment.

Given, Noah had just lost his mother when all of this happened. He was in a very dark place, lost down a hole so deep I feared I would never be enough to pull him out. When Noah and I broke up that day, I think a part of my heart broke for good. I'd given Noah an ultimatum, he either stay with me and learn to heal after his loss, or he go and lose me for good.

My heart shattered when Noah chose to go.

Of course, I've heard about him from time to time. It's natural, considering my father and his father are best friends. From what I've heard, Noah has come back to town a few times to visit his father. I know that Noah returned to Magnolia Heights for the birth of his half-sister, and once more to attend his father's and Caroline's (his father's girlfriend) wedding. I attended the wedding as well, though Noah and I arrived and left at different times, so I didn't see him.

I haven't seen him once since he left three years ago. And now he's back.

I don't know how to feel about this. Three years ago, I'd been hopelessly in love with Noah Reed. Now, I'm not even sure what I would do if I were to run into him. Would I play it cool, as if I didn't cry over him for over two months after we ended things? Or would I merely turn the other way if our paths were to cross, as if I'd never seen him at all? It's hard to think that a boy who was once my entire world is now nothing but a stranger.

My heart feels heavy.

"He's . . . back?" I ask, trying to sound calm. I don't want Jess to worry about me and assume I need to be protected from seeing Noah. It was Jess who finally helped me get my life together after he left; it was Jess who pulled me out of my bed and reminded me that Noah Reed isn't the only boy in the world. It took a while, but I've finally reached a point where I can hear his name and not burst into tears.

This might have something to do with the fact that I'm becoming used to falling in love with boys who end up doing nothing but fucking me over.

"Yes," Jess says, glancing at me with pity. "Are you . . . okay?"

I force a smile, a habit I've perfected over the years. "Of course. Why wouldn't I be? I mean, we broke up ages ago. And his father lives here, after all. I guess I knew this moment would come eventually."

"Yeah, but . . ." Jess trails off. "I mean, you were so crushed after the breakup and—"

"And now I'm over it," I interrupt. "I'm over him now."

Jess frowns at me warily. "I know, Blake. But I also know how much you loved Noah. I just want to know that when you inevitably run into him you can handle it."

I snort, though I'm secretly wondering the same thing. "Of course I'll be able to handle seeing him, Jess," I say dismissively. "It's been three years. I'm not a silly girl in high school anymore."

Jess studies me for a long moment. I know she can see through my transparent wall of lies. When she opens her mouth to speak, I beat her to it.

"Oh my gosh, look at the time!" I exclaim, pretending to be shocked as I glance at my phone and reach for my coffee. "I better go. Can't be late for class! I'll see you later, okay?"

I don't look at Jess as I walk away. As much as I hate myself for running off so abruptly, I can't just sit and talk about Noah Reed anymore. I can't sit in front of the only person who can tell the difference between my real smiles and my fake smiles that I'm fully over the first boy I ever loved the way I loved Noah Reed. The love I had for Noah was the kind of love that fills you up to the brim, that consumes your mind, heart, and body, taking you over completely and leaving you breathless. It was the kind of love you never want to end.

The kind of love that never really fades.

Walking across campus, I find myself realizing the kind of love I had for Noah Reed is the kind of love I still have for him, and that might mean I have a problem on my hands.

Because even after all this time, I still love him. And I'm not quite sure how to deal with that.

____

a/n: so as you all might know bc i do not ever shut up about my girlfriend, i just got to spend a week with her. i even got to have dinner at her parents house and they hugged me and actually tried to get to know me. but when my parents came to pick me up, they wouldn't even speak to my girlfriend when she was around them. the only words my dad said to her was "are you trying to upset me?" lol. i was so embarrassed over how they treated her. i still can't believe it's 20 fucking 20 and there are STILL homophobic people.

edit: dad came in while i was facetiming her and offered her a peace sign and spoke to her a little and it warmed my heart so much. that little encounter meant the world to me. 🥺