It was the worst week for North. We decided to halt some of our gigs because of him, but he didn't want to. 'Buti na lang ay di apektado ang mood niya sa tuwing may performance. Medyo tahimik lang siya nitong nagdaang mga araw pero hindi naman naging sagabal ito sa mga gig nila. Hindi lang namin inaasahan na marami pala talagang fans ang Anagapesism. Sure, they were a rising band, but we didn't expect it to even reach the mainstream. They even have stan accounts dedicated to them, which says a lot when it comes to the culture of having fans.

Kinuha ko ang throw pillow at inayos ito pahilera sa sofa. Enoch was sitting on one of the chairs in front of the vanity mirrors. Si Naiara naman ay nakahilig sa isang pader habang nakikinig kay Enoch. I was also listening to his rant.

"'Tang ina, may sumpa yata ang banda natin, e." Enoch mulled over. He was stretching his shoulders, slowly massaging them. Nangangalay siguro siya. "Nahulog sa may boy best friend 'yong isa; 'yong isa naman, minsan na nga lang magkagusto sa lalaki, sa may girl best friend pa; at ang malala ay may galing pa sa isang long-term relationship! Hay, 'buti na lang ako, guwapo lang."

"Alam mo, kung gaano ka katahimik sa ibang tao, sana gano'n ka na lang din sa amin." Ngumiwi si Naiara matapos uminom sa bottled water.

I was cleaning the room where they stay. Isa na ako sa mga naka-assign para bantayan sila. Para sa akin ay personal assistant ako dahil may sahod ako sa kanila, but they refuse to acknowledge that it was my job to take care of them.

"Huh? Sino ang may girl best friend? May di ba kayo sinasabi sa akin?" tanong ko. Hindi mapigilan ang kuryosidad.

Enoch whistled and diverted his eyes. "Kuwento ni Kile 'yon. Minsan na lang mahuhulog, sa may tuta pa."

"Hoy! Ang guwapong tuta naman n'on," sikmat ni Naiara, napabalikwas mula sa puwesto. "I love puppies!"

"Bark bark!" Enoch chuckled, mimicking a dog.

Ngumiwi si Naiara. "Ayoko sa bulldog, Enoch!"

"Hoy! Dog discrimination!" angal ni Enoch.

Napailing na lang ako at natawa. So apparently, Kile was having his own heartbreak too. Mas napansin ko lang siguro ang kay North dahil naitago ni Kile ang sa kaniya.

I bit my lower lip. Hindi ko nga rin napansin ang paghaba ng buhok ni Kile. Pero isa yata sa mga dahilan ay ang pagsita ko sa piercings niya. Sinabi ko lang naman na dahan-dahanin niya ang pagdagdag . . . and for some reason, he grew out his hair so I wouldn't see how many his piercings were.

As the time ripens, Anagapesism becomes a widespread phenomenon for the underrated lovers. The gigs were always teeming with people. At the height of their careers, North became the face of the group. Siya ang madalas kunin para sa mga endorsement. He's also the most popular one since Kile and Enoch are not always the frontliners. Si Naiara naman ay nagtatago sa likod ni N, despite the interest for her. Most of them don't really stan N simply because she's the least favorite among the band.

Umuusok ang ilong ko sa gigil. I badly want to promote Naiara, but her faceless branding becomes a hindrance when it comes to her value. Hindi rin kasi maipagkakait na malaki ang role ng mukha nila—that sounded so degrading, but it was the ugly truth.

Some people are only into looks. They can always disregard the person's morals and attitude.

"Huwag na kayang magkaroon ng N merch? Wala namang bibili . . ." Naiara lamented as we discussed the possible merchs, naghahanap kasi ang iilang fans ng official merch. "Nakakahiya rin . . . kahit sina Kile na lang siguro ang gawan."

And of course, the favoritism as the time goes by is visible too. Minsan nga, ayaw na ni Naiara na um-attend ng mga fansigning dahil sa takot na walang magpapirma. The growing anxiety in her heart is visible in her actions. Nasasaktan din ako na ganito ang tingin niya sa sarili niya. The only reason she still attends the events is because of her admirers—those who admire her despite not knowing her face. Sa talento niya talaga napupukaw ang puso ng mga ito.

I nudged her. "Hey, e, di ako bibili! Fan mo kaya ako!"

She only smiled at me, a trace of sadness slipping on her lips.

Pagkatapos ng pag-aasikaso ko ng mga bagay para sa Anagapesism ay dumederetso ako sa school. It might look like it's hard for me, but North had it worse.

Part-time lang ang trabaho ko sa Anagapesism. I still have my schedule as a nursing student. Madalas nga na inaantok si North sa lecture, pero matataas pa rin ang scores na nakukuha niya—fortunately, that was the case.

The professors were aware of his job. Sino ba naman ang hindi malalaman na siya si North Barrinuevo ng Anagapesism? He has his own televised advertisement!

Marami-rami rin ito dahil sa lahat ng miyembro, si North lang ang pumapayag na gumawa ng commercials.

"Pst," I called for his attention. Nakahilig ang kaniyang ulo sa desk, he was sleeping, but his ethereal face made me think that he was having a good dream. Break naman namin kaya okay lang na nakatulog siya.

His eyes slowly opened, mapungay ito at halos pupungas-pungas siya habang tinititigan ako.

"Bakit ka ba nasa panaginip ko?" namamaos niyang tanong. It was a genuine mumble as if he were daydreaming.

My heart felt cramped as the mixture of emotions scrambled in my throat.

Did he mean me? No, bakit naman niya ako mapapanaginipan? It's only been at least two months since Barbara fled from the country. Imposible naman na wala na agad ang nararamdaman niya para dito.

"North? Kape." I dismissed his thought. Inilapag ko ang isang kape mula sa vending machine na nadaanan ko kanina.

His lips spread into a tiny smile, the one he gives to his fans whenever they give him gifts. Alam na alam ko ang klase ng ngiti na 'yon dahil palagi akong umiiwas ng tingin kapag ibinibigay niya 'yon. That tiny smile can make me feel like being electrocuted.

Ayoko sa may eight years.

Ayoko sa isang tao na may dala-dalang nakaraan na di ko kayang burahin.

Ayoko kay North dahil takot akong baka umasa ako sa wala. Baka balang-araw, kapag napagtanto niyang si Barbara pa rin pala ay hulog na ako. I could always admire him from afar—his hardworking nature, his kindness, and his heavenly smile.

The thought of North itself scares me. Sobrang deprived na ba ako na kahit kay North, kinikilig ako? Marami naman talagang lalaki sa mundo.

North straightened his position and drank from the cup. Agad na napamulagat siya dahil siguro sa init at napaubo. He looked at me with bewilderment.

"Mainit pa rin pala ang kape kahit sa panaginip!" he bemused, sobrang namilog ang mga mata.

"Gagi ka, gising ka na, huy!" I laughed it off, calming my beating heart. Daig ko pa ang nagkape dahil sa kaniya. "Hindi ka na nananaginip, North."

He chuckled slowly. "Kinabahan ako! Akala ko, panaginip pa rin . . ."

"Paano mo naman nasabi na panaginip, huh?" I teased him.

He smiled gently. "Nandito ka . . ."

Pareho kaming natigagal dahil sa isinagot niya. My cheeks felt hot as it slowly turned red. Si North naman ay umiwas ng tingin at pinili na lamang na umubo bago uminom muli sa kape niya.

I wished I could stop putting meanings to these words. He never made a move on me. He didn't date anyone immediately. At alam ko naman na baka hanggang ngayon ay si Barbara pa rin ang mahal niya. The eight-year curse on him can't be lifted. It is as if it's just waiting for Barbara again.

Hindi ako si Barbara.

I should snap out of it.

Negative na 'yan.

Kahit blockmates kami ni North, iniiwasan ko siyang maging kagrupo o kausapin tuwing nasa klase. The more I got to know him, the more my admiration grew.

"North, single ka na raw?" hagikhik ni Odette, isa sa mga blockmate namin, nang wala na ang prof namin sa harapan. It was our dismissal already.

Maganda siya. Makinis. At sa pagkakaalam ko ay anak ng isang principal ng isang private institution.

I tsked to myself. Galing 'yan sa eight years, mare! Malaking huwag! Naku, isang walking heartbreak!

Tell that to yourself, Miye! I can't help but scold myself for giving unsolicited advice.

"Uh, oo . . ." North chuckled, and his eyes turned towards her direction. "Bakit?"

Odette clapped her hands. "May chance na ako! Wala na akong pakialam kung model 'yong ex mo, kung ikaw naman ang magiging boyfriend ko, why not?"

Tinawanan lang siya ni North at umiling-iling. I watched as hesitation passed across his eyes.

"Odette, crush ka ni Tyler! Alam mo ba 'yon?" pag-iiba ni North ng topic.

Odette only raised an eyebrow. She's oblivious of the fact that North isn't interested.

Tumikhim ako. "North, rehearsals daw mamaya. Sabay na tayo."

Lumingon sa akin si North at nangingislap ang mga mata niya sa tuwa. Siguro, dahil iniligtas ko siya sa mga parating na tanong.

Everyone is curious about how North and Barbara handle their separation. It was obvious that Barbara was having a good time overseas; naka-public naman ang social media niya kaya kitang-kita ang magarbong pamumuhay niya sa ibang bansa. No'ng isang linggo lang ay nasa isang fashion show siya . . . I saw it because I'm following her.

Napabuntonghininga na lang ako. Honestly, I find her pretty and even unreachable—almost unattainable if compared with North's future girlfriend. Hindi ko alam kung paano lalampasan ng magiging bago ni North si Barbara.

I would feel so hollow if I were in her place. Barbara is just someone you can't replace no matter how hard you try.

Naka-follow pa rin sina North at Barbara sa isa't isa. It seems like they are really civil to each other.

Naiirita ako sa sarili ko dahil pakiramdam ko, kung nagsusulat ako ng diary ay love story na nina North at Barbara ang isusulat ko.

"Miye?" tawag ni North sa atensiyon ko habang papunta kami sa SUV para sa banda. Since North doesn't have a car yet, ito ang nagiging transportation namin dahil bawal kaming mag-commute kapag siya ang kasama.

It's a bit risky because he is famous after all. Balita ko nga kay Manager Rhi, kinukuha si North na maging extra sa isang primetime show. Of course, North declined. Hindi naman siya artista—well, at least for now.

"Hm?"

"Okay ka lang ba?" tanong ni North. "Ang lalim ng iniisip mo. Pakiramdam ko, iniisip mo na rin kung ilan ang butas sa Skyflakes . . ."

I stuck out my tongue. "Sa pagkakaalam ko, fifty-four."

Nanlaki ang mga mata ni North. "Binilang mo talaga?"

"Six times nine lang 'yon!" giit ko.

North only laughed.

"Miss ka na raw ni Aki . . ." sabi ni North sa akin.

Kumunot naman ang noo ko sa kaniya. I left my job at the café. Hindi na tuloy kami masyadong nakakapag-usap ni Aki. The last time that we talked, it was about my decision to leave. Hindi siya nag-reply sa akin kaya pakiramdam ko tuloy, wala naman siyang pakialam.

"Ate siguro ang turing niya siguro. Nagtatampo 'yon . . ."

"Hala, totoo ba? Lambingin mo na lang, on my behalf." I laughed.

"Huh? Paano 'yon?"

"Lalambingin kita 'tapos lalambingin mo siya, gano'n—" My mouth closed midway. I glanced at North, who had his eyes glued on me. Seryoso ang tingin niya sa akin.

It made my knees weak. His eyes were the most expressive ones that I've encountered. Sinusuyod niya ako ng tingin kaya nanghihina ako lalo.

Matagal niya akong tinitigan habang walang salitang namumutawi sa kaniyang labi. His eyes went somewhere else as if he's thinking. Namumula naman ako ngayon dahil ramdam ko ang pag-init ng aking pisngi.

"Joke lang . . ." anas ko.

"Alam ko," mahinang untag ni North.

There was an awkward wall being built between us. Pakiramdam ko tuloy ay sinira ko ang imahen ko kay North. I'm not flirting with him. It is just . . .

Okay.

I guess I'm attracted. That's it. Sa mahigit dalawang buwan ay mas nakilala ko si North. He was patient, kind, and very humble. The more he showed his genuine concern towards us, the more my heart raced.

I won't pursue it, of course. My feelings should be buried forever. Ayoko namang masabihan ng oportunista. I'm here as their personal assistant, not something else.

"Pakisabi kay Aki na sorry kung biglaan akong umalis . . ." sabi ko bago kami sumakay ng SUV.

"Alright," maiksing sagot niya. Lalo tuloy akong kinabahan.

What if he finds me . . . annoying?

Napapikit na lang ako habang tahimik kami buong biyahe papunta sa rehearsal.

Kalat ang billboards ni North. Wala masyadong appearance ang tatlo dahil ayaw rin nila. They'll only accept endorsements if it's for the band, pero kung solo, madalas ay dine-decline nila ito kaya naman kadalasan din ay kay North bumabagsak. And North can't say no. Wala sa bokabularyo niya ang humindi.

Hays.

Sana kasi kung guwapo si North, pinapangit ang ugali niya, e.

Pero hindi, e. He's literally an angel. Paano na lang makaka-keep up sina Leand niyan? Hays talaga.

The rehearsals were fast. Mas naging close na silang apat kaya mas gamay na nila ang isa't isa. I was closest to Enoch and Naiara. Medyo iwas ako kay North at nahihiya naman ako kay Kile. It's not like Kile's a snob—well, he is. Pero mabait naman siya, madalas nga lang ay mas bet niyang mapag-isa.

"Miye, sama ka sa akin?" anyaya sa akin ni North matapos ang rehearsals nila para sa isang gig sa Sabado. Kinuha niya ang bag ko upang buhatin.

My heart skipped a beat. "S-saan?"

He shrugged. "Bahay."

"Bakit?!"

"Hinahanap ka nina Aki at Trina. Sabi ni Trina, baka raw nakalimutan mo na siya."

Ipinilig ko ang ulo ko. Kumalma ka, Miye! Ano ba ang nangyayari sa 'yo?

"Uh, sige. Pero dadaan muna ako sa mall. May bibilhin lang ako . . ."

Tumango si North. Kinuha niya ang cap niya upang di siya masyadong makilala sa labas.

Wow, a celebrity with a past lover of eight years? Napaka-challenging naman ni North kung sakali. It's like a gamble if you'll fall for him.

"North?"

"Po?" He shifted his visage towards me.

"Kung eight years kayo ni Barbara, ibig sabihin, no'ng Ibong Adarna pa lang, malandi ka na?" I asked him.

He blinked a few times. It made me conscious. I mean, curious lang naman ako! Kasi kung bibilangin, Grade 7 sila no'n.

"Uh, hindi naman kami agad! Nagkakilala kami no'ng elementary . . . I courted her for four years sa junior high . . . no'ng senior high niya ako sinagot . . ."

I gulped. Mas malala, childhood friends pa nga yata sila.

"So, hindi kayo eight years talaga? Bale parang eight years lang kayong magkakilala?" paglilinaw ko. I leaped out of my seat a bit, causing my arm to touch his.

Agad din naman akong napaigtad. I really hate the electricity that he has whenever he's near me. Kahit kay Leand ay hindi ko ito nararamdaman. It somehow makes me feel bad.

No, perhaps it was really wrong to be near him.

I should know my lane.

Nakarating kami ni North sa mall at dumeretso sa photo studio upang bumili ng films para kay Trina. Ito rin kasi ang ipinangako ko sa kaniya; bibilhan ko ng bala 'yong camera niya.

"Ma'am, sayang ang discount, pa-check na lang po ng QR code na nandoon para magamit n'yo," anang saleslady. She was busy wrapping the Instax film sheets.

"Gusto mong i-try? Deadbat me . . ." sabi ko kay North.

North gave me his phone and continued looking around the shop.

Nanlamig naman ang mga kamay ko. Fuck, paano kung . . . si Barbara pa rin ang lockscreen niya? My heart tripled its beat.

Maybe that will be a wake-up call for me. Dapat magising na ako . . . I shouldn't like North.

Binuksan ko ito at nakitang picture namin.

It was the band, including me. The only picture that North and I were close to each other since the focus of the camera was only limited.

Group photo naman ito pero hindi mapigilan ang paglawak ng ngiti ko. I bit my finger to contain my squeal. Parang gaga ka, Miye!

He has a password.

Nanlaki ang mga mata ko. Ayoko na! Pagkatapos ng isang challenge, mayroon na naman! Paano kung anniversary nila ni Barbara ang password niya?! Punyeta naman.

I remembered North's birthday. It was on August 19 . . . same year kami kaya . . .

I tried to put it on his password.

It opened.

Relief washed over me. Goodness! Bakit ba ako ganito?!

I checked the QR code and immediately gave North's phone back. Nginitian lang ako ni North nang makuha niya uli ang phone niya.

"Okay na?" kalmadong tanong niya.

Pinagpawisan ako. Bakit pakiramdam ko, double meaning ang tanong niya. It is as if, 'Okay na ba? Don't you doubt that I'm over Barbara?' Napailing ako nang mariin.

Stop. Putting. Words. Into. His. Actions! I reminded myself.

"Yep! Discounted na. Thank you, babayaran ko na . . ."

"Bayad na," North said, as if it's nothing.

My forehead knotted. "Huh? Wala pa akong binabayaran kanina."

"Nabayaran ko na, Mi," North replied curtly.

Mi.

Napamura ako.

"P-puwede bang mag-CR muna ako?" tanong ko. My voice shaking.

North tilted his head, showing his innocent eyes. "Ah, sure. Hintayin na lang ba kita rito o sasamahan kita hanggang sa labas lang?"

"Dito k-ka lang!"

"Hindi na kita sasamahan papunta roon?"

Umiling-iling ako. "K-kaya ko naman na. Salamat sa pagbabayad, p-pero regalo ko kasi sana kay Trina 'yan . . ."

North smiled at me. "Your presence is already a gift to Trina, Miye. Salamat sa pag-intindi sa kaniya . . ."

Mama . . .

Naiiyak na ako sa sobrang kilig. Gusto kong ipukpok ang ulo ko sa pader dahil, obviously?! Sobrang out of reach ng isang ito! Ang tanga ko para kiligin sa bare minimum, pero ang pogi kasi, nakakainis!

Nag-comfort room ako sandali at doon ay gumawa ng isang ritwal upang mailabas ang kilig sa katawan ko. In short, nag-call of nature ako. Joke, inuuto ko lang ang sarili ko. Baka sakaling mawalan ako ng kilig sa katawan.

"Eight years 'yon, bes. Two months pa lang wala 'yong girl. Huwag kang maging bola. Huwag kang magpa-bounce . . ." I scolded myself as I went back in North's direction.

Upon seeing him in his neat nursing uniform, nanginginig na naman ako sa kilig. Impakto naman! Nagna-nursing uniform din naman ako pero ang unfair na ang guwapo-guwapo niya.

"Lumayo-layo ka nga sa akin, North. Nauurat ako . . ." pigil-kilig kong saad sa kaniya. My lips pursed as I strayed away from him.

North only glanced at me with his innocent looking eyes. "Huh? May nagawa ba ako, Miye?"

I glared at him, and he only widened his eyes. I groaned and stomped my feet in frustration. Nakakainis na talaga!

Hanggang sa makarating kami sa bahay nila ay di ko pinapansin si North. I'll probably ignore him and talk to Trina. Kailangan ko ng distraction dahil lumalala na ako.

"Hello, Maeye!" Niyakap ako ni Trina. I hugged her back. Mukhang kanina niya pa ako inaabangan.

"Trina, may regalo si Kuya sa 'yo . . ." saad ko habang hinahaplos ang buhok niya.

"Si Ate Miye ang nagregalo, Trina. Hindi ako . . ." giit ni North. It was his money; siya ang may regalo n'on.

"Magkasama kayo?" Aki emerged from Trina's back. His eyeglasses made him look strict. Matagal na kaming hindi nagkita kaya nagulat ako dahil mas tumangkad siya at mas gumanda ang katawan.

"Hoy! Di ka na talaga totoy!" biro ko sa kaniya.

Hindi ako pinansin ni Aki at dumeretso siya sa Kuya niya.

"Saan kayo galing?"

"Mall, may binili lang. Ch-in-at kita, ah? May ipapasabay ka ba dapat?" tanong ni North kay Aki.

Aki looked away. He seems confused. "Okay."

"Aki, huy . . ." tawag ko ngunit di niya pa rin ako pinapansin.

Hala. Nagtatampo nga?

"Pst, North. Pahiram ng phone . . ." I nudged North.

North didn't hesitate to give his phone to me. Sa kamay ko ay kinuha ko ang number ni Aki dahil ang totoo ay nagpalit din ako ng number magmula noong naging assistant ako sa banda. I had to because I wanted to separate work from personal contacts.

Aki clenched his jaw upon seeing me using North's phone. Umalis siya kaya naman lalo akong kinabahan.

"Hayaan mo na 'yon, Miye. Ako na ang kakausap, pasensiya na . . ." North said, looking remorseful.

"Ah, okay lang naman. Gets ko naman kung bakit siya nagtatampo. Ako na lang ang ka-close niya sa café 'tapos iniwan ko pa siya . . ."

Trina was looking at us both. She smiled widely. It was creepy for me. Parang may balak siyang masama.

"Nurt . . ." Trina called. "Ikaw, ha . . . cellphone . . . heh-heh . . ."

"Bakit ganiyan siya humagikhik?" I laughed and mimicked it. "Heh-heh."

North was blushing and decided to hide his phone. Lalo tuloy akong nagtaka kung ano ang mayroon sa phone niya.

I played with Trina after I charged my own phone. Si North naman ay nagluto ng meryenda para sa amin.

"Ano'ng mayroon sa phone ng kuya mo? Bakit ka natutuwa?" I asked Trina.

Trina looked up to me. "Wala lang. Madamot 'yon si Nurt sa phone. Si Ate Barbie lang palagi puwede humiram . . . 'tapos ikaw na rin. Kaya ako natuwa kasi inagawan mo ng phone si Nurt . . . heh-heh . . ." She giggled once again.

My smile slips off as my heart starts to race.

"Hindi ipinapahiram ni North ang phone niya?"

Umiling-iling si Trina. "Hindi po. Kay Ate Barbie lang saka sa 'yo na rin . . ."

I couldn't react right away. My head felt like it was being emptied out. Nagulat naman ako nang tumunog ang phone ko. I reached for it near the plug and I looked at the notifications and another dilemma unmasked itself.

Leand:

Hi, Miye :) Can we talk?

(:̲̅:̲̅:̲̅[̲̅:♡:]̲̅:̲̅:̲̅:̲̅)