There are moments when we wish we could be invisible. Sometimes, before a recitation starts. Most of the time when someone stares at you with an odd look. And occasionally, when you're in a party feeling uninvited.

I was feeling the latter in the most cruel way possible. Everyone in this place supports Leand and Astrid wholeheartedly. Nanlalamig ang buong katawan ko, at pakiramdam ko ay unti-unti akong nabubuo bilang isang yelo. The wind didn't make me feel its breeze, but it's fear that I won't be able to withstand the next moments of my life.

Napapikit na lang ako.

Kaya ba hindi sinabi sa akin ni Leand kung tungkol saan ang party? He knew exactly what I would feel.

And I let him.

I let Leand hurt me again.

My eyes almost watered with tears. I kept pressing my fingers, digging my nails to suppress the burning rage in my chest. I opened my eyes to prevent the tears. The venue was almost full; their faces visualized how happy Leand and Astrid were when they were together. Ni walang isang nakakunot ang noo. Ako lang yata ang nasemento na sa aking kinatatayuan.

"Wednesday? Hey." Inalog ako ni Caroll. She made sure it would rattle me.

I glanced at her, unsure of what to do. I wanted to tell her that I didn't know it was their engagement party. Ni hindi ko nga alam na engaged na sila! We were what? Nasa pangalawang taon pa lang kami ng kolehiyo! Nagngingitngit ako sa galit pero wala akong mapaglabasan.

They were so sure of each other that it disturbed me. Samantalang ako noon, hindi alam kung saan patungo ang relasyon namin ni Leand. I would constantly compromise just because I didn't want Leand to leave me.

To compromise is one thing, but when you compromise without the assurance that all of your efforts will be reciprocated is another; it's an empire of affliction in the making.

I blankly stared at Caroll, who mirrored the reactions of those around me. Happy, unapologetic, and full of life. The venue was sparkling with iridescent lights, and the laughter was only making me feel worse for feeling so blue and out of place.

I want to go home.

I have to go home before everything falls apart.

"Tinatakot mo naman ako, Wednesday! Natulala ka na riyan. Ang bongga ng engagement party nila, 'no? Some of our junior high friends helped! 'Tapos buong section namin ay nandito rin . . ." pagsisiwalat niya.

"B-buong section n'yo?" di-makapaniwalang tanong ko. I know there were a lot of people, but considering the number of students in one section—it was a lot, lalo tuloy nanlumo ang buong pagkatao ko.

I usually don't want anyone to feel miserable, but today, just for this moment, I want schadenfreude to take over me. I want them to feel bad on their perfect engagement party. I want everyone to witness how shitty they can be towards their old friend.

I clenched my fists as I roamed around my sight. "Lahat ng ito ay pinagtulungan n'yo?"

"Yes, from the design to the food! Sobrang hirap ngang isekreto kay Astrid. You know how she can even spot the different tone of your voice, sa sobrang sensitive niya. Mabuti na lang, nakaraos din," aniya.

My heart was tightening with the thought of Astrid being overly sensitive. Kung totoo man 'yon, dapat ay matagal na siyang nakaramdam sa amin. Dapat alam na niya kung ano ang kinahantungan namin ni Leand dahil sa kanila. She should have known that it clearly wasn't my fault that it ended just like this.

Masaya kaya sila sa nakalipas na dalawang taon? Kailanman ay hindi na nila ako nilapitan. Akala ko noon ay dahil pinutol na nila ang mga ugnayan namin. I agreed with that arrangement simply because, just like them, I wanted to move forward with my life.

Pero paano ako makakaalis kung pilit nila akong hinihila sa dati kong puwesto? One move forward doesn't mean erasing the entire trail of the past. The stain will always be there. I couldn't remove it . . . I can't even look at myself the same way because I would always feel I'm replaceable.

They fucking made me feel like I could always be replaced.

They took away the last bit of self-love that I had for myself. I always thought even if I wasn't the favorite of anyone, at least I still had a presence to fulfill in their life . . . pati 'yon ay kinuha nila mula sa akin.

"May regalo ka ba?" saad ni Caroll upang hatakin ako pabalik sa reyalidad. I was zoning out. In my defense, anyone would feel the same way going to the engagement party of her ex-boyfriend and ex-best friend.

"K-kailangan ba?" I replied sarcastically.

Caroll shrugged. "Of course! Kahit sana simple lang. Come on, Miye. Ang balita ko ay yayamanin ka ngayon? May raket ka raw? You're a what? PA ba ang sosyal na tawag sa katulong ng mga artista ngayon?" She laughed, her shoulders moving.

"Hindi gano'n ang trabaho ko . . ."

"Wala namang mali roon, Miye. Marangal naman ang trabaho mo. Unless, alam mo na, may kasama bang special service?" Caroll lifted an eyebrow and leaned towards me. "Balita ko ay puro daw lalaki ang mga 'yon. Hindi ba sila, alam mo na?"

I gritted my teeth because of what she's trying to imply. Hindi manyakis ang mga nasa Anagapesism. Kahit kailan nga ay hindi sila nagpakita sa akin ng kilos na pakiramdam ko ay hindi ako ligtas. When I'm with them, I can be in my own skin.

In a controlled voice, I answered her. "Hindi sila gano'n. Malaki ang respeto nila sa babae. I wouldn't settle with them if they're mistreating me."

Caroll grimaced. "Aba, malay ko ba! Baka gusto mo rin? Mga guwapo rin naman ang mga 'yon . . ."

Umawang ang labi ko. Nalaglag ang panga dahil sa lumalabas sa bibig niya. Ang puso ko ay kumakabog sa galit. Pakiramdam ko ay kaunti na lang ay malapit ko na siyang mabugahan ng nagbabagang apoy.

She's really testing my patience!

"Ang sinasabi mo ba ay may nangyayari sa amin? Is that it? And they pay me for it?" I accused her.

Caroll smiled, spreading malice on her lips. "Huy, wala akong sinasabi. Baka nadudulas ka lang, Miye? I mean, kahit siguro ako, papatol ako sa kanila. Lalo na 'yong mahabang buhok? Balita ko ay anak 'yon ng isang senador. Hindi ka na rin lugi, Miye!"

I almost rolled my eyes. Her entire presence irritates me! Minsan lang ako mainis sa tao pero madalas kay Caroll. Ang haba ng pasensiya ko, ngunit para akong TNT na kaunting oras na lang ay sasabog na kapag kausap siya.

"Caroll, matagal ko na silang kilala. Believe me, kung may gusto sila, they will pursue the girl. They don't just sleep around. Gano'n ba ang mga lalaki sa paligid mo? Ganiyan ba 'yong boyfriend mo ngayon? At bakit ganiyan ka? Habang may relasyon ka sa iba, you still imagine yourself sleeping with someone else?"

Hindi siya umimik kaya nabalot kami ng panandaliang katahimikan. So, she does have a boyfriend. Mayroon ngang naghihintay sa kaniya habang binabanggit niya ito sa akin.

"Miye, you're going too far. Usapan lang naman ito. Hypothetically speaking, bakit mo sineseryoso?" pagak niyang tawa.

Umangat lang ang isang kilay ko sa kaniya. Hindi ba siya seryoso n'on? When her words can actually make anyone feel the worst day of the entire month? Walking regla yata itong si Caroll, e. Nakaka-bad trip.

"Geez, Miye. Ang boring mo talaga kahit kailan. Kung si Astrid ito, hindi ganiyan ang magiging reaksiyon niya. Pinuri ko lang naman ang banda na inaalagaan mo. It's not like I also think they would date their personal assistant . . ." she trailed off. Her face was flustered from embarrassment.

I couldn't fathom her immaturity until I listened to her prejudices. Pero kung iiwan ko naman siya rito, magiging loner ako sa dagat ng mga Lestrid shipper. Napamura naman ako. How fucked can you be, Miye? Ikaw pa talaga mismo ang gumawa ng ship name nila?

Humalukipkip ako. Tahimik naming binagtas ang isang round table. My throat constricted seeing that I'll be seated with Leand's family members and Astrid's closest friend. Isa raw kasi ako sa mga ka-close nila. Fuck them.

Napatingala ako sa kisame at napapikit. Sana magka-LBM ako. Lagnatin bigla, magkatrangkaso, o kahit itakbo sa hospital para makatakas dito. I feel sick, but without physical manifestation. It's making me feel pain on my insides, as if my intestines are being tangled together.

"Miye, upo ka!" anang Mama ni Leand, kaswal na nagbigay ng pagitan para sa akin.

My throat constricted as I felt it hard to talk to her. She's kind towards me. Hindi ko rin siguro matatagalan kung pangit ang trato sa akin ng magulang ng boyfriend ko. Sinisikmura ko na nga ang trato ng sarili kong magulang 'tapos pati ba naman sa magulang ng iba ay kailangan kong tiisin?

My parents are not that bad . . . it's just sometimes I want them to give me my own space and my own thoughts. Nasasakal din ako sa mga desisyon nila kung minsan lalo na kung hindi ko naman ito gusto.

They always say that it's for my future. Kung gano'n, bakit sila ang nagdedesisyon para dito kung ako naman ang makikinabang ng kinabukasan ko?

My thoughts were cut off by a stern cough. Napalingon ako kina Loraine at Markus. Simula kasi nang lumipat ako ng school ay namatay na rin ang group chat naming tatlo. They smiled at me, knowingly.

They're here too.

Lalong nanikip ang dibdib ko. Para akong naliliyo sa mga ekspresyon nila. It was already rooted in my system to feel betrayal every time Leand and Astrid were involved. Mas lalo lang itong tumingkad dahil mismong ang mga naging kaibigan namin ay suportado sila.

They know that Leand and I have a past. Mas naging kaibigan nila ako kaysa kay Astrid. Pero heto sila ngayon, nakangiti habang hinihintay ang dalawa na i-celebrate ang planong pag-iisang dibdib.

They weren't kidding that the deepest betrayals come from your friends. Sometimes those who know your pain will use it against you to make you feel that the world is against you and that even your closest friends can push you towards the precipice.

"Kumusta ka na, Miye?" pauna ni Markus. "Ang tagal mo na kaming di kinakausap. Akala talaga namin, di mo natanggap ang invitation. Di ka na kasi nagbubukas ng group chat . . ."

"Kaya nga! Naku, ang daming outings na wala ka. Sayang nga dahil palagi ka rin talagang hinahanap ng ibang kakilala natin," dugtong ni Loraine na nagawa pang tumawa. She was wearing a dress that compliments the color of the venue.

"Naging b-busy lang," I said. Bukas naman ang buong venue, pero daig pa ang naka-aircon sa sobrang panlalamig ko. Naninigas na ako sa aking kinauupuan.

"Sinabi ko nga sa kaniya na baka nakakalimot na siya. Medyo big time na rin kasi itong si Wednesday. Akalain mo ba naman? Dati ay kaibigan lang natin, ngayon ay PA na ng isang sikat na banda!" halakhak ni Caroll, naiinsulto ang aking tainga.

There was something in her laughter that made my ears bleed.

"PA ka?" tanong ni Markus sa akin, nahihimigan ko sa tono niya ang dismaya. "Hindi ka na nag-aaral?"

I swallowed hard. "Nag-aaral pa rin naman ako."

"Bakit naman personal assistant pa, Miye? Hindi ba ano 'yon?" Tumawa si Loraine. "I think it's better to work on fast foods, kaysa utos-utusan ng mga artista."

"Hindi naman sila gano'n . . ." depensa ko. The look on my face startled them; I probably looked angry.

"Ano ba'ng gawain mo roon? Alam mo, Miye . . . kung mahilig ka lang din namang mag-alaga ay mayroon naman kaming mga bata na kailangan ding alagaan . . . baka gusto mo?" anang Mama ni Leand.

"Hindi naman po mga bata ang inaasikaso ko roon." I chuckled lowly. "Saka, hindi naman porke't personal assistant ay inuutusan nila ako. I just handle some affairs that they couldn't attend to."

Caroll's lips formed a quick circle. "Affairs? Grabe, mga babaero sila?"

My expression seethed in anger. "Hindi naman porke't affair ay relasyon na. Bobo ka ba?"

The entire round table was covered in silence. Wala ni isang nakapagsalita dahil sa lumabas sa bibig ko. I didn't anticipate the words that would come out of my mouth. Akala ko ay iniisip ko lang ito.

"Miye . . ." untag ng Mama ni Leand. "Bakit ka ba ganiyan? Bakit ganiyan ka magsalita sa kaibigan mo?"

Napigtas ang pasensiya ko. Kanina pa ako nagtitimpi kaya naman hindi ko na napigilan ang bibig ko. I closed my eyes and mumbled an apology. Bahagya pa akong napayuko dahil nahiya rin ako.

"Sorry po . . ."

Napabuntonghininga siya. "That was below the belt, Miye."

"Wala naman siyang masamang sinabi, nagkamali lang siya. Grabe ka naman maka-bobo, Miye."

"Miye, lumaki na ba ang ulo mo? Grabe, maka-bobo ka naman," Caroll said and drank from her glass of wine. "Alam naman natin kung sino ang tunay na bobo rito . . ."

"A-ano?"

"Caroll, tumigil ka na. Humingi na ng tawad . . ."

"Totoo ba? Do you really feel sorry, Miye?" Caroll mocked, her lips twisted into a grin.

Kumuyom ang kamao ko sa ilalim ng lamesa. I only looked at her with extreme hatred, but she didn't budge. Parang wala lang sa kaniya ang tingin ko at lalo lamang umangat ang kaniyang tingin.

"Basta, ang alam ko, hindi ko dinaya ang entrance exams ko . . ." panunuya niya sa akin. "Di ba, Loraine? Markus? Astrid didn't have to contact anyone to get in, kahit si Leand. Ikaw ba, Miye? Did you really get into your school?"

My heart clenched because I knew what she was trying to imply. Pero paano niya ito nalaman? Walang nakakaalam na hindi ako agad nakapasok sa eskuwelahan ko agad. Ang tanging tao na nagkaroon ng ideya na gano'n ay sina Astrid at Leand.

Tumahimik ako at kitang-kita ko ang kaluguran na bumalot sa mukha ni Caroll. She happily chuckled, as if it's nothing, para bang hindi niya tinapakan ang natitira kong dangal.

"Huy, Miye! Natameme ka na riyan. Siyempre, joke lang, 'no? Ikaw kaya ang pinakamatalino sa amin 'tapos ikaw pa ang babagsak? Nakakahiya ka naman kung gano'n," aniya.

"Imposible naman na si Miye 'yong babagsak," saad ng Mama ni Leand. "Matalinong bata kaya 'yan. Naalala ko, kahit di sila magka-strand ni Leand ay si Miye ang gumagawa ng ilan sa mga assignment niya kapag dumadalaw sila sa bahay . . ."

"Di ka sure, Tita . . ." Loraine shifted her weight. "Malay mo, di lang assignment ginagawa nila . . ."

I shook my head. "Nasa sala kami, walang g-gano'n na nangyayari . . ."

Leand never even got my first kiss on my lips. It was because I felt shy and never wanted to kiss in public. Di naman kami mahilig na kaming dalawa lang ang magkasama dahil kadalasan ay kasama ko si Astrid noon dahil wala itong masyadong kaibigan.

My friends were her friends because I introduced them to her. Kahit si Caroll ay galing sa group of friends ko kaya naman labis na lang ang muhi na namumuo sa aking dibdib dahil sa mga ibinibintang nila sa akin.

Sila pa na naging kaibigan ko rin naman.

I wonder, was I a bad friend to be treated like this? Gano'n na lang ba kasama ang ugali ko para tratuhin nila ako nang ganito?

Wala kasi akong maalala na tinapakan ko sila o nasaktan ko sila. Gusto ko rin namang humingi ng paumanhin kung gano'n nga ang sitwasyon. Hindi naman nila kailangang ipamukha na iba na ang tingin nila sa akin.

"Nandiyan na sina Astrid at Leand!"

Nagsipalakpakan sila, tanging ako lang ang nanatiling nakaupo habang pinapanood kung paano pumunta sa harapan sina Leand at Astrid.

Ingat na ingat si Leand kay Astrid na para bang isa itong babasagin na gamit. I swallowed the bile in my throat as I watched them coldly. Ramdam ko naman na pinapanood din ako ng mga katabi ko. They're watching me suffer from the sight of their friends.

Why am I here anyway? I was obviously not welcomed.

"Hi," Leand greeted through the microphone. Napakamot siya sa kaniyang ulo. "Gusto ko lang mag-thank you sa mga um-attend. Nakakahiya dahil kinuha ko ang ilang oras n'yo para dito, but I hope you'll witness as I celebrate our wins. My win—my future wife's yes."

I saw Astrid's expression. She was blissful and almost thankful for the round of applause given by the crowd. Ako lang ang hindi pumalakpak. Lumipad ang tingin niya sa akin. Her eyes widened before smiling at me in gratitude.

I didn't smile back.

It was an insult to invite me here. Pero mas nainsulto ako sa kung paano ako tratuhin ng mga kaibigan niya. I don't consider them my friends anymore. The moment they talk shit about the people that I care about is also the moment I cut them off.

"Sabi nila at maaaring sa tingin n'yo ay masyado pa kaming bata para maging sigurado sa isa't isa. But I can't wait anymore. I have to spend my entire life with this woman. Siya lang ang mamahalin ko sa buhay na ito. The first time that I saw her, I knew that she was the one . . ." Leand smiled widely at the crowd.

My heart constricted painstakingly. It wasn't because I still held feelings for him, but because I knew I was in the middle of that scenery. I was the chapters in between their prologue and epilogue. I was the girl before Astrid . . . .

Ako ang nagpakilala sa kaniya kay Astrid.

Paanong alam na niya na si Astrid ang papakasalan niya kung j-in-owa niya ako?

Paano na sobrang sigurado na siya kay Astrid kung dumaan muna siya sa akin?

Napasinghap ako. Pinilit kong maging kalmado habang patuloy ang kanilang programa.

Naiiyak na ako. Umaanghang ang gilid ng aking mga mata.

My eyes were betraying me and weakening the strength that I was trying to portray. Lalo lang akong nanghihina dahil sa kabila ng pag-iyak ko sa kanila, they didn't even feel a bit of remorse for making me feel like this.

Kumalantog lang ang buong pagkatao ko nang maka-receive ng isang mensahe sa aking phone.

North:

Katatapos lang namin sa rehearsals. ♪ ♬ ヾ('︶'♡)ﾉ ♬ ♪ ctto kile emoji

Gusto mo bang hintayin na kita riyan? May kasama ka na bang umuwi? Pauwi na rin ako, baka malapit lang ako riyan.

If this was the usual day, I would feel extremely timid toward North. I might even be pissed off because I really wanted to distance myself from him. But right now, I really need someone to get me out of here.

Miye:

North, puwede n'yo ba ako sunduin? I'll send the address. Be fast, please . . .

North:

Ok po, ma'am.

Ay hala ang formal.

Okay, Miye. :)

"And we're indeed grateful for our friend, Wednesday Denise, for coming here and giving her blessing . . ." untag ni Leand sa harapan.

Agad na umangat ang tingin ko sa kaniya. Nanginig ang aking labi sa gulat.

Ano ang sinabi niya? Ibinigay ko ang ano? Blessing ko sa kanila?

Leand smiled at me, oblivious of the fact that I'm fighting the urge to strangle him as soon as I come near him.

"I'm inviting her over, at this stage, to give her message to us. Come on, Wednesday. Come here . . ."

(:̲̅:̲̅:̲̅[̲̅:♡:]̲̅:̲̅:̲̅:̲̅)