My fingers froze on the screen. My mind is currently in haywire because of his sudden message. Hindi mapigilan ang mabilis na tibok ng puso ko.

There are people who won't just let you move on. They will always drag you into the hellhole that you've escaped from.

"Ate Maeye, okay ka lang ba?" Hinatak ni Trina ang damit ko. It was just a slight nudge for me to get back to my senses.

Matagal naman na 'yon, Miye. Ikaw na lang naman ang hindi pa nakaka-move on sa nangyari. Sobrang tagal na n'on pero bumabara pa rin sa lalamunan ko ang mga emosyon na hindi ko mailabas.

My eyes watered as I typed a quick reply to Leand. Namumuo ang mga luha sa sulok ng aking mga mata. My breathing hitched as I hit the reply button.

Miye:

Hi. Ano 'yon?

I was hoping it would take him a day or more to reply. Gusto ko sanang mas humaba pa ang oras bago niya sabihin kung ano ang gusto niya iparating. Maybe the pain would eventually fade that way.

A part of me wants to block him and Astrid just because of what they did to me. It was still betrayal because they didn't feel remorse for the feeling they buried me into. The feeling of doubt, being not enough, and leaving me alone knowing they were my closest friends made me loathe them secretly.

Kung galit ako sa kanila, bakit ko ba pinipilit ang sarili ko na makipag-ayos? Because I don't want hatred to reign over me. I don't want to carry this feeling until my last breath. I also want to move on just like them . . .

Pero bakit ang hirap-hirap? Bakit hindi nila ako hinahayaan na maka-move on din tulad nila? The mere thought that while I was suffering, they were having the time of their lives . . . made me feel like a complete loser. Sobrang sikip ng dibdib ko habang inaalala 'yon.

How can you hurt someone so deeply and be able to sleep at night?

Leand:

Invite sana kita sa isang party.

Miye:

Ha?

Leand:

Alam mo kasi ayoko na rin patagalin pa yung issue satin. Wala naman na para samin ni Astrid ang nangyari. We are hoping to make amends with you. Sana makadalo ka sa party namin ni Astrid.

My entire body is being engulfed by extreme anger. Napapikit ako nang mariin. My eyes finally released the tears; it poured like the rain from the repressed clouds. Walang habas ang pagtulo habang nagre-reply ako kay Leand.

Miye:

Alam mo? Putang ina mo. Okay na ako, e. Masaya na ako. Pero bakit mo ba ako ginugulo? Bakit kailangan n'yong ipamukha sa akin na masaya kayo na wala ako? Well, e, di congrats! Ito, pakyu ka, kainin mo! Pakasaya ka habang may inaapakan na tao. Really, I don't care if you guys end up together until the end of the earth. Pero sana marunong kayong mag-sorry? For the fucking pain you gave me? For the nights that I wondered what I did wrong for you guys to treat me like shit? Para sa pang-iiwan n'yo sa akin sa ere?

Minahal ko lang naman kayo. Alam mo 'yan, Leand. I did nothing but support you and Astrid. Kahit nga kayo ngayon, wala kayong narinig mula sa akin. Oo, nasasaktan ako. Kasi ex kita 'tapos kaibigan ko si Astrid. Pero ngayon ay mag-isa na lang ako. | delete

Hayaan n'yo naman akong sumaya. Huwag n'yo na akong guluhin. Gano'n din ang gagawin ko.

I was contemplating whether to send it or not. I didn't want to further the argument. Alam ko naman na mas magiging maayos kung papayag na lang ako sa gusto niya. Maybe he was right all along. I should just forget about it too. Gaya ng pagkalimot nila sa ginawa nila sa akin.

I deleted the message as the tears stained my cheeks.

Miye:

Sure, Leand.

"Maeye . . ." Trina nuzzled on me. "Why ka umiiyak?"

Matinis at maliit ang boses ni Trina. It soothed me somehow, I glanced at her while wearing a tired smile.

"Wala, Trina."

"May Barbie ka rin ba?" she innocently stated.

Pinalis ko ang luha ko at lumingon sa kaniya. "Laruan? Na Barbie?"

She shook her head. "Someone who's making you cry . . . like Ate Barbie did to Koya Nurt . . ."

My lips parted as I comprehend what she's trying to say.

"Is Ate Barbie bad to you? Pinapaiyak ka rin ba niya?"

Umiling siya. "Mabait po siya sa akin pero pinapaiyak niya si Koya minsan . . ."

Barbara . . . who are you really? Every time I have humanized an idea of her, it always ends up as a misconception. Palaging mali at malayo sa katotohanan. She's a bit gray, between black and white.

Napabuntonghininga na lang ako. Umangat ang tingin ko kay North na galing sa kusina nila. He was already looking at me. Our gazes locked, and it made my heart leap out of its ribcage.

Why are you affecting me like this, North?

I decided to take a quick break from my duty. Pinagbigyan ako dahil kahit may day off ako, I usually still stay at the rehearsals to help them. It wasn't because it was my job; I really love helping Anagapesism.

I just want a break from admiring North. It felt wrong. I feel like digging my own grave and preparing my own funeral.

I just want any semblance of love. The one that will not feel wrong or burden me.

Sumakto rin na may party nga ako na pupuntahan. Leand didn't give all the details, and it frustrated me for a bit because I couldn't prepare what I would wear. Kahit naman papaano ay gusto kong maging presentable.

I wasn't the type of person to dress just to impress anyone. Kahit noon pa man, wala rin kasi akong pera pambili ng damit. Most of my clothes are, well . . . picked by my mother. Madalas din ay regalo.

Yet, I badly want to show them that I've changed. There's a certain desperation whirling inside me that I should show them that I'm different now.

We sometimes like to pretend that things happen for a reason—thus, we'd like to show the world that we become better after the devastating events, which is sometimes highly unlikely because we're still picking the broken shards left by the heartbreak that those people have done.

It feels like we have to prove to them that we are in a better place after they've hurt us when the truth is we're still haunted by the ghosts of pain they inflicted.

And it is sometimes tiring to pretend that we didn't get hurt—that we didn't harbor any ill feelings . . . kasi masama raw 'yon.

Then how can you show your bleeding heart if people refuse to believe that you're still hurt? Simply because they think time can heal everything . . . when it clearly doesn't. It takes time, but time can't heal everything too.

Umuwi muna ako para magpatulong kay Tuesday. She works in a near salon. Hinahayaan naman siya dahil binibigyan niya rin ng hati sina Mama. Magaling mag-ayos si Tuesday, at kung aamin lang ako, she's the prettiest among us. Nakuha niya ang maamong mukha ni Mama at ang pagiging balingkinitan nito. I was tall, so I was naturally not that curvy; most of my parts are flat, but it doesn't matter to me. It's not like it's bad.

"Hiramin mo na lang itong pants ko," suhestiyon ni Tuesday habang inilalabas ang isang pantalon sa kabinet.

May inilabas din siyang isang fitted na statement shirt. Umiling naman ako dahil ang nakalagay sa shirt ay 'Pinagpalet sa panget.'

Minura ko siya nang bahagya. Tinawanan lang ako ng walang-hiya.

Para naman akong nanghahamon ng away n'on. I'll come there hoping that I can finally let go of everything. Pero baka unang tingin pa lang sa akin ay sabunutan na ako. Well, wala naman ito sa personality ni Astrid. I don't think she'll go that low.

Her clothes would look baggy on me. Pero okay lang dahil sanay naman kaming maghiraman ng damit. Ilang beses din kaming nag-away dahil kung minsan, di niya nilalabhan o sinasauli ang mga hinihiram niyang damit sa akin. Sa huli, ako ang pinapagalitan ni Mama dahil damit lang naman daw ay ginagawa ko nang big deal.

Of course, Tuesday does feel guilty. Kaya madalas, kapag bumibili siya ng damit, dinadamay na niya ako. And I do that too, since I have my job now. Hindi naman kami nagdadamot sa isa't isa—kadalasan.

I decided to go with a simple beige blouse and white pants. I ended the look with brown flats. A bit playing it safe, but I didn't want any attention on me either. Ang gusto ko na lang ay tahimik na mairaos ang pagkikita naming muli.

Medyo humahaba na ang buhok ko. Ang dating hanggang leeg ay hanggang balikat na ngayon. Siguro, dapat akong magpa-trim ng buhok . . . sa susunod na linggo na lang siguro.

I wasn't in the rehearsals, but I decided to upload a few backstage moments using the official fan account of Anagapesism. Ako ang may hawak n'on, tatlo kaming admin. Walang Twitter account si Naiara bilang N. I tried to encourage her, but she always refused to create one.

Masisira raw ang intimidating and mysterious image niya. Gaga talaga ang isang 'yon kahit kailan.

ANAG @AnagapesismOfficial

Backstage pics! Happy #OurAgapeDay, enjoy anagapes 🍇

xx @foranagape

Replying to @AnagapesismOfficial

pogi ni kile shet

/kiːlə/ @KileNation

Replying to @AnagapesismOfficial and @foranagape

haha potangina mo btch mangaagaw ka ?? ☺🙂

xx @foranagape

Replying to @AnagapesismOfficial and @KileNation

Akala ko ba no to bashing and harassing the girl of kile, e ako na yun??? 🤕

/kiːlə/ @KileNation

Replying to @AnagapesismOfficial and @foranagape

huh?! HUH?! HUHHH 🚩🚩🚩AUSIN-AUSIN MO HA AKALA KO BA KAIBIGAN MO AKO. AKALA KO BA KAY ENOCH KA kakaiyac ka pota ka !!

xx @foranagape
Replying to @AnagapesismOfficial and @KileNation

OT4 ako <3 mine leviticus kile muna para di magtampo !! mamaya na yan si enoch 🤪

/kiːlə/ @KileNation

Replying to @AnagapesismOfficial and @foranagape

di na ikaw ang sexytary ko u're fired di ka na nahiya sa imaginary children namin ni kile pakyu k 🤬🤬🤬

I laughed because both of them were quite famous in the fandom. Primarily because both of them were pretty. Well, ang isa ay hindi pa talaga kita ang mukha.

Foranagape, who hasn't revealed her name yet, is gorgeous. Tuwing may selfie day nga sila, isa ito sa mga inaabangan ko. From what I know, part-time gym instructor siya. And she looked exactly like Enoch's type. Huge chest, toned stomach, huge butt, and her sultry eyes make her stand out. Dumagdag lang dito na medyo intimidating siyang tingnan dahil blank layout siya. She only has a pastel yellow-colored icon; that's it.

Kilenation . . . oh wow, I don't even know the proper words to describe her. Naalala ko no'ng unang nauso ang mga stan account para sa Anagapesism. Of course, the band was overwhelmed. Having an account solely dedicated to supporting you is blissful, and nothing can top that as an artist. Isa si kilenation sa mga naunang account.

It takes me back to the train of memory lane. The first time she tweeted.

/kiːlə/ @KileNation
Hello po. Finding moots. I'm kilenation. This account is dedicated for Anagapesism, especially Kile.

Kile's lover @LoverNiKile

Replying to @KileNation

Hi! Kile biased din ako. Nice to meet you!

/kiːlə/ @KileNation
Replying to @LoverNiKile

Thanks for supporting my boyfriend po <3 katabi ko siya ngayon, kinikiss ako. ☺🥰😍

I chuckled because after that, everyone never saw her as innocent again. Kahit pa mukha siyang inosente. Her entries in the selfie days were always a bit . . . provocative. Kahit kalahati lang ng mukha niya ang ipinakikita niya, she's really pretty in her pictures.

Funny thing is, hindi yata siya kilala ni Kile dahil minsan lang naman 'yon magbukas ng social media accounts niya. He's always in his dump account, the @levkilealone one.

After I posted the pictures, I decided to calm myself because I'm near the venue. I pressed my fingers, one by one, marking them with my nails to distract myself. Kinakabahan ako dahil ngayon na lang uli kami magkikitang tatlo.

I heard that they didn't pursue ATU, which is the reason why I haven't seen them yet again. Iba na kasi ang schools namin saka na-block nga nila ako sa social media accounts nila.

I have nothing against blocking, lalo na kung para sa peace of mind mo. Pero hindi ko talaga maintindihan 'yong iba na may gana pang mam-block kahit wala ka namang ginagawa? Or those who blocked others in spite of knowing that they were the wrong ones? Ano 'yon? Takot sila sa sarili nilang multo?

My thoughts were interrupted because of a sudden text from North. Kumabog na naman ang puso ko habang nasa biyahe ako.

North:

Wala ka sa rehearsals? :(

Miye:

Putangina mo |delete

I deleted my supposed reply. Napakagat ako sa panyo ko. Napapikit ako habang prinoproseso kung ano dapat ang tinitipa kong sagot sa kaniya.

Miye:

Hi, North! Nagpahinga lang. Haha. May party akong pupuntahan. Kamusta kayo?

North:

Hala Sorry, Miye.

Nag-text lang ako kasi wala ka. Akala ko may nangyari. tt

Enjoy your rest, Miye.

My forehead created a series of creases. I decided to ask him something.

Miye:

Anong tt?

North:

Huh? tt?

Miye:

yung tt mo, ano 'yan?

North:

Umiiyak. Ganito oh.

(╥_╥) < — shortcut po, kay kile ko nalaman ^^b

I coughed. I forgot Kile tends to use emojis and is very informal when it comes to typing. Si North naman ang adapt nang adapt ng kung ano-ano galing sa mga miyembro niya.

North:

Ingat ka, ha? Text ka lang if kailangan mo ng susundo sa 'yo.

And my heart raced once again. Parang nakikipaghabulan ako sa sobrang bilis. Sobrang simple lang, wala namang kahulugan, pero hulog na hulog na ako. I leaned my head towards the window. Napabuntonghininga ako habang iniisip si North.

If I like him, I could always keep it to myself. Sanay naman na ako na itinatago ang nararamdaman ko. I could always admire him without him knowing. Ayoko rin kasi na . . . iba ang maramdaman niya sa akin. Ayokong isipin niyang kailangan niyang ibalik ang pagkagusto ko sa kaniya.

When he had a girlfriend, there was a reason for me not to like him. Pero sa nakalipas na dalawang buwan, hindi ko mapigilan ang magkagusto sa kaniya. I avoided him like the plague because I knew it would lead into this.

I didn't want it, yet fate had our lives entangled like a thread. I wanted to cut it so badly.

Nakarating ako sa venue. It was a big party because I spotted a few familiar faces. I was expecting it to be a small one. Pero laking gulat ko nang kahit ang iilan sa mga dati naming kaklase ay narito rin.

"Wednesday!" hiyaw ng isa sa kanila. It was Astrid's friend from her class.

Well, my ex-friend, too.

Napalunok naman ako bago ngumiti. "Hello, Caroll."

Caroll laughed as she sidled up to me. Kinakabahan ako dahil trio kami noon. I used to be her friend too, but when I chose another strand, silang dalawa na lang ni Astrid ang naging magkaibigan.

They say the trio's friendship mostly doesn't work simply because there will always be someone who will be left behind. At ako na yata ang naiwan sa pagkakaibigan namin. It wasn't their fault; it was mine because I never reached out again.

I just feel like even without me, they would still work. Para bang nandoon lang ako para matawag na trio. Our friendship can stand without me.

I sighed.

"Caroll, kumusta ka?" Ngumiti ako sa kaniya.

Humagikhik naman siya. "Akala ko ay hindi ka pupunta! Astrid was even worried! Sabi ko naman sa kaniya na hindi ka gano'n. Hindi ka magtatanim ng sama ng loob dahil wala ka rin namang karapatan . . ."

My insides were turning rotten. I could spit poison, but I decided not to. I let my emotions scramble in the middle of my throat. Hinayaan ko lang si Caroll na magsalita nang magsalita.

"Ang tagal naman na kasi n'on. Almost two years na, di ba? Astrid was worried that you're not over it. Baka raw hanggang ngayon ay may hinanakit ka sa kanila ni Leand," she laughed. Nagawa niya pa akong hampasin sa likod.

I stiffened. Right, it has been almost two years since that happened. Incoming third year student na nga ako ngayon . . . pero parang kailan lang. It still felt like yesterday, and I could still remember the pain.

Akala ko, limot ko na.

Akala ko, tapos na ako roon.

Pero isang banggit lang nila, pakiramdam ko, wala pa akong nilampasan na kahit ano pagdating sa pag-move on. Ramdam ko pa rin . . . hindi dahil mahal ko pa si Leand kundi wala akong natanggap na pagsisisi sa kanila.

"I'm glad you came to their engagement party," Caroll blurted out.

It was my last straw. I looked at her indifferently. My mouth opened, and I blinked a few times.

"What?" ulit ko.

"Thank you for coming here. At least, malalaman ng lahat na walang inagaw si Astrid. You're so sports, Miye! I'm happy you're here at their engagement party."

My heart lost its rhythm. The last ounce of sanity that I kept my grip on was gone. Ang pinanghahawakan ko na mahabang pasensiya ay napigtas. Nanigas ako sa aking kinatatayuan.

They fucking invited me . . . to their engagement party.

(:̲̅:̲̅:̲̅[̲̅:♡:]̲̅:̲̅:̲̅:̲̅)