Flashbacks are in bold.

Hamail had no words to tell her. So, he just sat next to her trying his best to let her know she wasn't alone here. This turn of their lives had left him staggering. He had always found something to smile about in gravest of the situations but right now he knew after this blow, maybe he won't ever be able to smile fully. The kind that reaches the eyes. Smiling would always be such an ordeal from here on.

"Harram?"

His head whipped towards the voice. Zara and Obaid were standing close to the pole looking puzzled at Harram's slouched posture.

"She was feeling suffocated inside so came here."

He didn't know why she came out but had to say something.

"Auntie, how are you feeling now?"

Zara gave him a faint smile.

"Better than before."

Her blood pressure had shot up in the evening so Obaid had taken her to the hospital. The doctor had given the reason of stress and tension but he didn't know for two days these two words were the only one remaining in the dictionary of their lives.

"Harram, let's go inside. You need rest."

Obaid patted her head. She nodded and got up slowly. She was walking alongside Obaid. Her hand was in his which he was caressing softly. A support Harram was thankful for. A support she had denied for so long.

Once inside, Zara took her to her room while Hamail and Obaid made their way to meet Yahya in his study. They had a matter to discuss about Harram's future from here on.

Zara had gone to bring food for her. Harram just sat down on the bed looking at nothing in particular. She was lost somewhere but she couldn't remember what. Her mind was jumbled up but she wasn't thinking anything. Her thoughts were coming in succession but she wasn't thinking of anyone. She didn't have to. You think of those who fade away from your memory but her memory was filled with just one face, just one name just one soul. She didn't have to remember him. She herself was a remembrance of him.

Zara came inside with a plate of fruits in her hands. Harram's appetite was always weird these days due to her pregnancy so telling her to eat a full-fledged meal was not going to work, that's why Zara had resorted to fruits only.

"I can't eat anything."

She had mumbled even without looking at Zara's hands.

"You know your condition more than I do. So please, Harram don't refuse this."

Harram didn't say anything in return. Zara kept on looking at her daughter's lost state. Two days had acted at her like twenty years. She'd lost her bright smile and shinning eyes. Now only a hollow skeleton of her previous self was sitting in front of her.

"Your baba is talking to Yahya Sahab. We think it'd be best to take you away from here."

"To where?"

"Back home. Like me and you used to live. Or if you want to you can stay with your baba at his place. I can also come along."

"I want to go home."

"That's what I'm talking about."

"Your house is no longer my home, Amma."

Zara knew where she wanted to go but she couldn't allow this.

"No, Harram. No. How you will survive there? The house where each nook will remind you of a memory."

"May be I need those vivid memories to keep going."

"Your Baba will never allow this."

"I can talk to him myself. But I want to go home."

Zara could see the stubborn Harram making her way through. She didn't want this to happen.

"I can't say anything about your stay there but if you eat this, we can go and visit the place in the morning. I'll come with you."

Harram looked at her mother and then at the pieces of fruits. Nodding slowly she took up on slice and started chewing it slowly.

"Where's Khadija?"

"I don't know."

"I think I should check up on her."

Harram nodded. She herself wanted to go and see her but how to face the woman whose loss was no less than her own? Harram didn't have the courage.

"Amma."

"Hun?"

Zara who was taking out her medicines looked up.

"Go check on auntie, please."

"I will, Bacha but right now you also need me."

"I'm fine. Just go and see her. For me."

Zara sighed when her eyes filled up. The pain in Harram's voice was excruciating. Khadija was the most important person in Zaviyar's life and Harram was making sure she was okay.

"Okay. I'll go."

Zara left the room closing the door behind. The heavy silence and dim lights had faded into the background. Harram didn't look around her surroundings. Her mind had reached another world. A world she wished to revisit.

"I can't eat more."

"More? You ate like three morsels."

"I can't shove down food. It makes me nauseous."

Harram leaned against her side of bed. Her hair were spread to her side while she was supporting a bored expression on her face. He sighed and walked out of the room to the kitchen. When he came back and took his side next to her, a thoughtful expression was etched on his face.

"This can't go on like this."

"What?"

"Your eating habits. You are acting like a five year old."

"How rude, Zaviyar. You all men are same. Wife smiles at you, serves you like you are some kind of royalty and she is the best but the moment she starts throwing even small tantrums you start with this can't go on shit of yours. Hypocrites."

She mimicked him while rolling her eyes. Zaviyar had no other option than to laugh.

"I riled you up again, didn't I?"

"You are a pro."

"I know. But I was thinking of leaving you with Maa this time when I go back on duty. You surely can't be left alone."

"Or you can take a leave and stay with us for some time."

She pouted looking right in his eyes. He didn't say anything for quite some time.

"You know I can't do this right?"

She knew he couldn't. Army officers have this fact straight.

"I'm not here most of the times and I can't leave you here. Not like this."

He had pointed towards her. She just shook her head. Who'd tell him she was just pregnant not ill.

"That's why I was thinking of dropping you off home. Maa would definitely look after you better than me."

She got up on her knees and wound her arms around his neck who was still sitting.

"I'm home."

A faint smile reached his lips.

"I'll go and stay with Auntie but you'll have to promise me that this time around, you'll come soon."

A shadow of uncertainty lurked in his eyes. Harram frowned when he held her from her waist.

"I don't know about soon or late but one thing I can assure you, I'll come back home. To you."

He caressed her cheek and hugged her close. His eyes were closed as if feeling his heart in his arms for the last time.

It was the last time.

She leaned against the headrest. Her eyes were not teary. Just wide open. As if searching for something in nothingness.

Wo aks ban kar meri chasm-e-tar main rehta hai

Ajeeb shaks hai pani k ghar main rehta hai

(Like a shadow, he stays in the teary eyes of mine

Such a strange man, lives in the house of water)

_____________________________

"You should also take some rest."

Khadija stopped Zara from pulling the duvet on her. Zara didn't listen. She had found Khadija all alone crying herself to sleep when she had gotten here and that moment she'd realized how right Harram was in telling her to check up on Khadija.

"I'm fine now."

"And Harram?"

Zara averted her gaze.

"When you are not among living nor you are among the dead as well. Something akin to that is happening with her."

Khadija felt her heart getting heavy again.

"Just an year of togetherness. Years of longing and just an year of bliss. That is the fate of my kids. I can't look into Harram's eyes. I see a story of heartbreak so profound it leaves me restless."

Zara placed her hand on Khadija's. She'd known this woman for years. Both were good friends and confidants and after getting their kids married, the bonding had strengthened some more.

"All we need right now is patience and courage. Harram is in a very delicate situation. We all have to do our bit to make things easy for her and us as well. Your loss is something no one can imagine, Khadija. I know. And I won't ask you to get it together. But don't bottle up your emotions. Cry on the fate. Don't let it consume you."

Khadija nodded when sobs shook her shoulders. Zara had immediately hugged her.

_________________________________

Yahya Duraid leaned against his chair with nothing coherent on his mind. His silvery white hair were tangled up as if he'd run his fingers through it many times. The old worn out persona of his was lacking its usual glory. He was looking way more aged than he was.

The air around him was calm. Just like he'd always preferred. Calm without any intrusion.

"How could you decide something like this!"

The intrusion had come.

He looked to his side where his wife was seething looking right at him.

"Harram isn't going anywhere. She's our daughter in law. Our responsibility. We aren't sending her with her parents."

Aneesa Yahya Khan was a woman of grace. But she wasn't someone to be messed with when it came to her family. She knew how to keep them close to her and for that she'd fight anyone and anything.

"Obaid Dastagir Khan has requested this. He was very polite about it and his points are valid. This whole house has Zaviyar everywhere. Harram can't live here with his memories."

"Zaviyar and Harram were living in a separate house if I must remind you. All their memories are associated with that place. And we aren't letting Harram go there as long as she's not strong enough to face it. I'm not sending my grandson's family anywhere. She's the daughter of this house and she'll stay with us."

She had her own fears. With Zaviyar gone, she didn't want to lose Harram and the baby as well. Both of them were the memories of Zaviyar she'd spent her remaining years looking at and living the feel of her grandson.

Yahya Duraid sighed.

"Let's leave it on Harram. She can go where she think she can stay peacefully. We are not arguing over it anymore."

"Fine."

Aneesa muttered but her heart was still not at peace. Her arguments with her husband were famous in their family and right now she was missing their peace maker so much who had gone to never come back.

____________________________

"Bhai!"

Hamail was the first one to spot him. Harram averted her gaze immediately.

"You were coming! Why no one told me about this?"

The pleasant surprise was evident from Hamail's face. He had always looked up to Zaviyar. Harram knew how much respect Hamail had for his cousin whom he loved like a brother.

"I couldn't miss. Phupho would've had my head if I did."

Zaviyar chuckled breaking his hug with Hamail.

"Company is rubbing right on you, Zaviyar bhai. Mama had specifically called you to know your schedule so that you won't miss out on the function. Now you are taking whole credit."

"Busted."

He smiled meeting the rest of his cousin clan. They all were used to treating him like some kind of a role model. He was like that only. The eldest among them all, always in control, calm, composed, favourite among both elders and youngers and since the time he had gone to Army his importance had increased some more.

Talking to his family members and getting inside the house, Harram felt him way out of her league more than she'd ever felt it. Still she couldn't stop looking. He'd always pulled her in like this only. Without trying. Without doing anything.

"Harram! Won't you come inside?"

Someone had shouted her name. She came out of her dazed state and started taking slow steps towards the main entrance of the house. A slow smile adored her lips. Some things are so out of reach yet this traitor heart wants them.

The already buzzing house had turned some more with Zaviyar's arrival. He was now sitting with his uncle and grandfather talking about something. The preparations for the engagement were almost completed. Jiya was taken to a room to put on henna. Harram checked the time and came to Hamail.

"Hamail, can you drop me off?"

"You aren't leaving. We all are staying awake all night. It'll be fun so no, you are staying here only."

Harram was about to tell him she couldn't but stopped seeing Zaviyar making his way towards them only.

"Zara auntie has called. She's waiting for you."

He was talking to her but there was no expression on his face whatsoever. Khadija came out of the lounge and stood close to them.

"Hamail, she'll come back tomorrow. Now let her go."

"I was telling him the same."

Harram glared at Hamail who just shook his head.

"Such a killjoy. But you are supposed to be here in the noon. Dare you come straight when the ceremony starts."

"She wouldn't. Her dress is with me so..."

Sohaira added. Harram shook her head at both her best friends and bidding them all a good night came outside. She was waiting for Hamail but when the car to her side honked she got startled.

"We haven't gotten all night, you see. Get in."

His frustrated voice was enough to make it real. He was dropping her off? The sun must've risen from north today.

She hid her smile and got inside without much ado. The car had immediately started moving towards her house. There were no conversations flowing and she wasn't even expecting anything. This wasn't his ideal situation and not it was hers. Those stolen glances were far better than this awkward silence.

She looked out at the night sky and the silent road of Islamabad city. The stars and the mountains in the background. Everything was surreal. Everything was making her happy. The wind was touching her face. She closed her eyes. On the dark curtains of her mind a picture was forming. The love was smiling. Beloved was gliding. Stars were shinning and heart was floating as if made of a cloud.

"Harram."

She opened her eyes slowly. The last semblance of her dreamlike condition was still wearing off.

"We've been in front of your house for five minutes. Zara auntie is standing looking at us weirdly. I also have to get back so kindly...."

He pointed towards the car door. Her eyes narrowed. The perfect dream she was seeing with open eyes was slowly cracking. Reality was filling the crevices.

"You have your babies crying for you back home? I'm getting out. Don't fret."

Her mood had gone from hundred to zero in an instant. Closing the car door, she looked at her mother who was standing close to the picket fence.

"Zaviyar, it's good to see you."

Gracing Harram with a glare, Zara greeted Zaviyar who'd also come out of the car seeing her.

"It's good to see you too, auntie. Why are you standing outside?"

"Was seeing off Obaid. He's just left."

"He's gone?"

Harram asked with fake disappointment. Zaviyar looked at her and then shook his head as if he was the one who was really disappointed.

"He was coming over dinner, Harram. I think I've told you."

"Must've slipped from my mind. I'm sorry."

Zara knew how genuine this sorry was. She nodded when Harram threw a hurried good night at both of them and went straight to the kitchen.

Her father, Obaid Dastagir Khan was not someone Harram liked running into much. Not that he was some kind of Hitler reincarnated, he was the softest dad someone could ask for. But that was the problem, Harram never asked for him.

Her mother, Zara was a university lecturer. Both she and Obaid had met during their own university days. Obaid was the only son of Dastagir Khan, the famous name in Pakhtoons and a notable personality of the KPK side. He wasn't in favour of Obaid and Zara's relation but had to give in. Zara had married Obaid and both had gone to live with Dastagir Khan in his Haveli. An year into marriage and so many conflicts has risen that Zara found it best if she'd go back to the city life of Islamabad and never look at the Haveli again. Obaid accepted her decision but few months in and Dastagir Khan started pressurizing him for the second marriage with the woman of Dastagir Khan's choice. Zara had a faith he won't do any such thing but it had broken the day she got the news that he, in fact had married according to his father's choice. Harram was only a year old then. That was the day Zara cut off her ties with Obaid. He had hurt her trust and she hated him for it. But as Harram starting growing up the big black hole in the name of father in her life had started disturbing Zara. Obaid had never stopped trying to win her back and this time around Zara allowed it only for Harram. So Harram got a dad. That was another story that after knowing her parents history she never accepted him.

Stirring the hot chocolate, Harram felt her mother entering inside.

"Amma, I'm sorry. I didn't do it intentionally. I just lost track of time. I'll call him in the morning and apologize to him. Okay?"

Zara who was in mood of rebuking her for her behavior immediately melted. She knew deep down Harram did love her father no matter how flawed he was.

"Should I make one for you?"

She pointed towards the mug. Zara smiled and nodded and just like this everything between them was fine.

The next morning came with all the hustle and bustle of the ceremony at night. Harram had reached Duraid house in the noon and since that time she was busy selecting outfits and jewelry for anyone who asked her opinion. Jiya's whole look selection was also on her so was getting Sohaira ready. It was around nine at night when all of them were completely prepared to welcome the groom side.

Dressed in her favourite pastels with stone work on her long flowy dress Harram tucked the duppata to her side and placed her long straight hair on the other and joined Sohaira. Both made their way downstairs and soon the function had started. Harram was busy in mingling with everyone but she could see from the corner of her eyes that focus of her whole being in black kurta. His natural messy hair weren't gelled as Hamail had wanted to. This unkempt mess was giving him a boyish look. He was currently going upstairs to settle of an argument between his grandparents.

"You should've asked me."

Aneesa wasn't looking pleased. Yahya Duraid sighed sitting on his chair.

"So what do you want? Should I ask them to leave?"

"You can't. That's why you shouldn't have invited them."

"Dado, Abu! Everyone's waiting for you downstairs."

He shouted entering their room but seeing the serious faces of both them got confused.

"Ask you Dado what's the matter."

"Your Abu here as invited Durrani with his family. This is our family function and I won't allow him taking care of his political ties when family is concerned. Moreover, the man is his arch nemesis."

"They aren't going to start a political procession, are they? So what's a big deal?"

He turned to his Abu making sure he was right. Yahya shook his head telling he was.

"See, Abu just wants to have a nice relation with Durrani. So don't worry and come down. We've got to start the ceremony as well."

He wound his arm around his Dado and both made their way towards the stairs. Yahya was following close behind. Once among everyone, Aneesa left Zaviyar's side and started greeting the guests.

"Oh my, Harram. Look at you. This color and dress is looking so good on you."

Aneesa praised her wholeheartedly. She was telling her about the dress but if she'd looked to the side, may be, may be, she would've seen the focus of her being keeping just her in focus of his eyes.

______________________________

The familiar lane of the colony never felt so alien. Her eyes were looking around everywhere in search of any sign of the past she could relate to. The car slowly came to halt in front of a brown gate.

Home.

Harram pushed the chadar she was clad in and looked at the familiar walls and sides of the house with hooded eyes. The sheen of moisture was not fading even after wiping it so many times. She heard Zara unlocking the door but her eyes were focused on somewhere else.

His car was parked at its place. The same way. Not even an inch away from the line. She was looking at the window, hoping just now it would come down and he'd wave at her mouthing to her to hurry up.

"Harram, let's go."

She came out of her daze and taking slow steps started getting inside. The small garden was empty. The two chairs and the table were telling a story of their own. The few evenings of enjoying tea and banter here were echoing somewhere in the air.

Zara had opened the door leading inside. Harram stood at the threshold. She could see him everywhere. Just now he was sitting on the sofa watching TV. Then he was walking out of the kitchen with his tea in hand. She could feel him going towards their room as well.

He was everywhere.

Still he was nowhere.

She had tuned out every other thought from her mind. Her feet on their own accord were taking her to the room at the far end.

Their room.

She opened the door and hoped against hope he'd be sitting on the bed complaining how tired he was of her habit of shopping like there was no tomorrow. But an empty room had welcomed her. The air hit her nostrils. It had the smell of goodbye. The last vestiges of someone being there who was not there now.

She stood in the middle of once her safe cocoon. Her eyes roamed around and then slowly, she reached the closet.

Clothes. How minuscule their importance is. Something on which we won't spend two seconds more than required. But right now that minute thing was the closest she had ever felt him. His favourite jacket was right in front of her eyes. All black. She took it in her hands and sniffed the fabric.

It didn't smell like him.

But it still was him.

She lost her mind in that jacket. Trying to reach out to anything it had to give when suddenly her mind clicked. She touched the pocket and didn't feel the thing she was so used to feeling.

"Where are those?"

She asked herself and started looking around. Her eyes were searching for something. Zara had come out of the lounge seeing her restless.

"Harram, what are you looking for."

"The car keys."

"What?"

"I'm a mess when it comes to keeping things safely, you know that. I had misplaced his car keys almost three times. He started keeping it in his favourite blazer's pocket. That was the designated place. If he's not driving, that's where the car keys would be. But the car is outside, then where are the keys!"

Zara tried holding her but she was looking around like a woman possessed.

"Amma, let me look for it."

"Harram!"

"He doesn't like it when his car keys go missing. It's his biggest pet peeve."

"Harram, Bacha!"

"Amma I..."

"What's the point of finding it now?"

Zara's question had worked like a bucket of ice. Her struggling body had come to a halt.

"You are right."

She mumbled after some time.

"You are right. What's the point? Now no one will get mad, no one will ask me why I'm so careless."

Zara had started walking towards the door taking her along. This was a bad idea. Harram didn't protest but her eyes were still looking at the closed door of the wardrobe.

He never let his car keys get lost.

_____________________________

"That was one fine ceremony. I enjoyed a lot."

Sohaira exclaimed taking off her earrings. Harram who was struggling with her heels couldn't agree. No matter how good the function was and how much they all enjoyed, there was a knot in her throat. Something was bothering her.

"Soha."

"Hun?"

"Who was that girl today?"

"Which girl?"

"The one in black."

"There were many girls in black, Harram. You've got to be specific."

"Alright! The one who was not leaving Zaviyar's side."

"Now, we are talking."

Sohaira grinned but Harram just looked annoyed.

"That's Meeral. She's Zaigham uncle's friend's daughter. She doesn't know any of us other than Zav Bhai. How? That even I don't know."

"Oh..."

Harram nodded. Her heart did a protest but she made it shut up. She had no right over him. He could talk to anyone he wanted. Who was she to complain? Her feelings were her baggage not his responsibility.

She shook her head and had just held her earring when the light went off.

"Oh no! I'm in the middle of taking my lens out."

Sohaira cried. Harram immediately straightened up.

"Soha, don't panic. It's coming back in just few."

"But my lens is stuck. Oh no!"

Sohaira had started freaking out. Harram waited for another few minutes and when she was sure Sohaira was on the verge of having a meltdown she took her phone out.

"I'll throw the light and you take that damned eye ball out!"

"No!! I can't see clearly. I'm not taking the risk. "

"Argh! Then keep this with you and I go check what the hell happened."

She got into her comfy slippers and made her way downstairs.

"Safi! What happened to the light?"

He himself looked lost.

"Never mind."

She left his arm and reached the back side of the mansion. She had an idea where the switch board was. Once she got there with great difficulty, her relief had no bounds seeing Hamail and Zaviyar busy fixing the problem.

"What's happened?"

She asked reaching Hamail's side who pointed towards his lips. The message was clear. Stay quiet.

"Okay but what's happened?"

She asked again. Hamail shook his head and came close to her ear.

"Maaz has come over to meet Jiya."

"What? Didn't he meet her just an hour back? They got engaged for crying out loud."

"He did. But that's the thing with us dudes. Nothing is ever enough. So he came over. Jiya got panicked. Asked Safi to take off the switch and since Safi sucks, he did God knows what now the light isn't coming back. He came straight to me and I went to Bhai and now we are trying to see where the problem is."

"We?"

Zaviyar asked looking at the switch board.

"Okay. You. Happy now?"

"I'd be if you'll keep the phone straight so that I can see what Safi exactly did."

Hamail threw the flashlight closely.

"Whatever it is, do it quickly. Your sister was in the middle of taking out her contact lens and now she is close to having a meltdown."

"Really? Then what the hell I'm doing here? Gotta enjoy the cry fest."

Hamail pushed the phone in her hand and ran towards the other side.

"What a joker."

Harram sighed and pulled the phone up so that it was right where Zaviyar was but when the light reached his face; his eyes were boring into her only.

Mera hi roop hai tu gaur se agar daikhe

Baguula sa jo teri rahguzar mein rehta hai

(It's my face only if you see it closely

The whirlwind that always stays in your way)

__________________________

Getting back to Duraid House, Zara had strictly asked her not to think of visiting the house again. She hadn't said anything. Just dropped herself on the bed. A key was flashing in front of her eyes. Where could it go? She remembered Zaviyar hadn't used his car before going to his post. Then where the key could go?

Tired of thinking on the same lines, she got of the bed and stood in the hallway. All the elders were in Dada's room finalizing where she'd stay for the rest of the period of her iddah.

Iddah.

She felt suffocated even thinking about it. They were yet to ask her because that would be the last say but she had no heart of even getting into this conversation. Descending the stairs, she crossed the lounge and kept on walking. She hit the pillar after almost running and leaned against it. All this was way too early. Way too raw. She hunched down and closed her eyes. But that didn't last for long. She could feel it was somewhere familiar. The switch board to the side was telling her what she was missing on.

A night, mobile flashlight and two known faces.

Yes she remembered.

Coming close to the board, she looked at it like she was reminiscing something long lost. Her bare feet took her to the narrow passage right to the side of the pillar next to the switch board. She kept on walking. This part of the house was so alien to her. She took few turns and reached a wooden door.

A door she had never seen before still it felt as if she'd been here. Her hand was about to touch it when she heard Safina's voice.

"Baji!"

Harram didn't turn back.

"Baji, what are you doing here?"

"Where this door lead to?"

"It's a basement. I don't know much but my mother used to tell me that in ancient times this basement was used as a repository. But now it's just empty. This area is also forbidden. No one is allowed here. Dada's strict orders. He has the key to the door."

Harram nodded. Safina was waiting for her to get away from there. Harram gave the door one last glance and placed her hand on it.

Not even knowing the eye looking at her from the keyhole was having its own fill of her.

Khuli faza ka pyami hawa ka baasi hai

Kahan wo halka e deewar o darr mein rehta hai

(He's the messenger of open winds; he's the inhabitant of breeze

How would he'll stay in the confines of walls and close spaces) 

-Bismil Sabri

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