UNEDITED

content warning; child neglect, abuse, depression, ptsd (just a whole lot of angst as well)

SEVENTEEN. CONFIDING IN THE OLD LADY AND THE YOUNG MAN

"WHAT'S UP WITH YOU, KID?" LOUISA WALKED INTO HER OFFICE TO SEE RHEA LYING ON THE FLOOR, ALMOST FAST ASLEEP. It was unusual for the teacher to make an appearance in the principal's office during the school day, but at this point, she just needed some advice from an elder.

Said elder stepped over her, discarding her purse on her desk, before bending down to sit beside her. She groaned as her knees clicked, and rose up again. "God fucking damn it."

Rhea chuckled, not having to open her eyes to see the pained look on her face. She was lucky the kids outside couldn't hear her blasphemy. She wasn't religious herself, but she knew that if the students heard, then they'd tell their parents, who would want Louisa out and into a retirement home. "I appreciate you trying."

"Anything for you," she grumbled, wandering over to the couch and lying down on it. Rhea sighed, relaxing her shoulders a little as silence washed over the room once more. "So, do you want to talk, or do you want to just lie here until the bell goes? Whatever you want, I'm game."

Tears were pooling in the crevices of her eyes. She knew Louisa wasn't watching, so she could get away with a little emotion. "Maybe a little bit of both?"

Louisa hummed. "Hit me, sweetheart."

Rhea sighed. "Daisy had to go away...for work. I won't be able to talk to her for ages, and I don't know what I'm gonna do."

"What about that doctor of yours?"

"I don't think he gets why I need her around," she muttered, a tear rolling down the side of her face. "She's the only one that knows me, you know? It took me ages to open up to you and Samuel."

"But you did open up, Rhea," Louisa finally glanced over, seeing the younger woman's body shaking as she tried not to cry. Her bottom lip was trembling and she couldn't open her eyes due to the fact that her eyelashes were starting to clump together. "It just takes time."

"Spencer deals with enough as it is," Rhea insisted, lifting her arm to wipe her face. "He doesn't need to deal with my issues on top of all of that."

"But you're dealing with his issues?"

Rhea fell silent. "It's different-"

"He's confided in you because he trusts you," Louisa noted. "Maybe you should do the same. He's not going to look at you any different."

"But what if he does?"

Louisa exhaled softly and got to her feet. Rhea heard the sound of tissues being yanked out of a box, and soon enough her leg was being kicked. She struggled to look up, hardly being able to see out of her lashes, but she eventually sat up and viciously rubbed her eyes. "Rhea..."

Rhea blew her nose in response. "Yeah?"

Louisa tilted her head knowingly. "Do you think the reason why you're afraid to tell him is because you've started looking at him in a different way?"

Rhea pulled a face. "Come on, Louisa."

"Am I wrong?" the old woman crossed her arms. "Look at me and tell me that I'm wrong."

Rhea sniffled and lifted her head. "You're wrong."

Louisa snorted. "And you're a shit liar."

She helped Rhea to her feet and pulled her into an embrace. Rhea buried her head in the woman's neck and held on tight. She hated being the one who was comforted, but in this case, she needed it more than anyone.

★☆

She didn't want Louisa to be right. But, when Spencer reached over and intertwined their hands together without thinking, she felt positively sick to her stomach. She liked the way it felt. It was natural. It was normal.

"You okay?" Spencer asked softly, looking up from his book to see her staring at her lap in deep thought. His thumb rubbed against her hand, and she swallowed, pulling away. Immediately she felt cold from the absence of his touch. "Did I do something wrong?"

"No, no, you didn't," she muttered, getting to her feet and walking to the kitchen, taking out three mugs. One for her, one for him, and one for Diana Reid, who was sleeping in the spare room. That meant she had to take the couch if she were to stay the night, though Spencer had offered his bed up every time. "I'm fine."

Spencer observed how her hands were shaking as she fumbled with the cocoa powder. Something was off - more than usual. But he knew he wouldn't get much out of her - she was sealed shut with superglue. Nevertheless, he got to his feet and walked over, gently putting his novel on the kitchen counter. "Do you...want to talk about it?"

This time, Rhea actually considered it. But there was so much to unpack she didn't even dare approach the baggage itself. Where would she start? How woulds she finish? It was all too complicated to even consider, and she knew she'd just be a bumbling mess by the end of it all. It wasn't worth it. Not if it meant she had to sacrifice the persona she'd built up over the years. "No, it's okay."

Spencer's eyes averted to the counter, where his fingers drummed against the surface. "I don't...I don't understand why you don't trust me."

Rhea stopped what she was doing. "Of course I trust you."

"Really?" his voice was an odd mix of sadness and sarcasm. "Because I tell you everything, a-and I don' think it's fair that I only know about the things that concern us both."

"Spencer..." she trailed off, already exhausted by the conversation they'd had a million times. Of course she wanted to confide in him, but it was genuinely one of the hardest things she could do. It was like her brain had set up a protective barrier that took years to chip away at, and even then, hardly anyone could make a dent. That was why she relied so heavily on Daisy, because she was the first to have scaled the wall and emotionally invested enough to earn her trust.

"How are we supposed to be friends if you can't tell me anything?" he insisted. "All I know about your past is that you were in foster care. You told me that without any kind of problem."

"You guessed," she muttered. Spencer exhaled through his nostrils. "Look, it's not that I don't want to open up, it's just that I can't. It's like there's a gun to my head and I'm the one holding it."

"Emotional detachment is a common-"

"Don't," she sighed, shaking her head.

Spencer swallowed, walking around the counter and leaning against it, only a few feet away from her. It made Rhea's hands grow clammy, knowing he was so close. Her heart skipped a beat as she felt his eyes on her. "Detachment isn't always voluntary, Rhea. In your case, you allow others to project their problems onto you so that you can distract yourself from your own trauma."

"Don't profile me," she shook her head, her voice suddenly quite sharp.

"And now you're getting defensive, because you know I'm right," he pushed on, and she bit her tongue, hating how he could read her.

"I don't want to talk about it," she snapped.

Rhea wasn't a very angry person. She had a lot of love in her heart and bottled up all of the pain for a rainy day. But currently, lightning and thunder was brewing inside her, and she was a ship lost at sea. So, when she glared at Spencer with hot tears in her eyes and her flesh white with how tight she was gripping her fists, he had no idea what to expect.

But, he couldn't deny his curiosity. "I want to know you, Rhea. Can you blame me?"

"Yes, I can," she retorted, wanting nothing more than to grab something breakable and smash it at her feet. She took a deep breath, her shoulders relaxing. "Spencer, you've been through a lot, and I'm sorry. But when something happens, I'm there. I don't get mad, I don't yell, I don't cry-"

"Why not?" Spencer cut her off, which seemed to shift something inside her. "Because you've blocked out all your feelings? You get uncomfortable with emotions? You play therapist to make yourself feel better about yourself?"

"I said don't fucking profile me," she pushed past him, opening the fridge to put the milk back on the shelf. He followed behind closely, and reached over her, slamming the door shut. She had to crane her neck to stare at him coldly. They hardly ever argued, because she chose to diffuse the tense situations as quick as she could. But, she was too worked up today. "I'm not a charity case."

"Oh yeah?" he scoffed, his brows knitting together. "Well, you've been treating me like one for the past four years!"

Her jaw slacked and her heart dropped to her toes. "That's not true! I was there for you. Not for me."

"Then let me be there for you!" he exclaimed, throwing his hands out in front of him. She instinctively stepped back, and he immediately noticed, even if she didn't.

"I don't need anyone there for me!" she shook her head, crossing her arms. Lies. Lies, lies, lies.

"Yes, you do," he persisted. "Rhea, Samuel's married. Daisy's gone. I'm your only option, and you still can't talk to me. I can't keep reading your micro-expressions to see when something's wrong. Let me be a part of your life!"

"You are my life!" she practically shouted, catching him off guard with both her words and her tone. "Spencer, I can't go five minutes without thinking about you, and how I can help! Just because I don't like talking about myself doesn't mean I don't trust you more than anyone in the world. I'm there for you because that's how I care for people, okay? That's just how I work. Spencer..."

"But why won't you just talk to me," his voice dipped slightly. Rhea finally looked into his eyes and saw the hurt in them. That was what seemed to set her over the edge.

A tear fell. The first one Spencer had ever seen her shed in front of him. She was visibly shaking, her shoulders shivering as if she were standing outside in the snow. "Talk about what? How my parents used to leave me for weeks at a time? How, if I was lucky, my elementary school teacher would give me her lunch?"

"I-" Spencer began, but she cut him off, her cheeks flaring red with anger as everything inside her began to spill over the edges.

"I was fighting with other kids almost everyday until I met Daisy. I have a record, Spencer. I've been to juvie. I'm lucky I got my charges expunged when I was applying for college scholarships, otherwise I'd end up being another statistic in the foster care system. I'm one of the lucky ones. I got a degree, even though I aged out. Half my old friends I haven't seen or heard from in twenty years because they lost themselves. Don't even get me started on my ex-boyfriends, and the men who have hurt me. I've learned to bury everything deep enough that eventually it all disappears and I eventually forget about it. I don't talk about it because I don't like talking about it. It's hard for me, so why don't you learn from your damn profile and stop asking?"

He stared at her in shock. He'd never seen her so emotional. And now, he felt guilty.

"You're expecting me to leave you and take all your secrets with me, aren't you?" his voice was so soft she had to strain to hear it. He took a step towards her. She didn't answer. She just violently rubbed her wet eyes as if it would end her misery. He reached for her hands and pulled them from her face, looking down at her. "I'm not gonna leave you."

"Everyone leaves, Spencer," her voice broke.

He wiped her tears with his thumb. "Not me."

"Spencer!" Diana shouted from the spare room, clearly having woken up from all the shouting. "What's going on out there? Are we being robbed?"

Spencer's shoulders fell. Rhea distanced herself from him, forcing a smile. "Go take care of her."

He pressed his lips together, then nodded once. He walked around her and towards the bedroom, but before he turned the corner, he looked back. "Rhea?"

"Yeah?"

He genuinely appeared apologetic. "I'm sorry for pushing so hard. It's just...I don't want you to have to deal with all this alone, especially now that Daisy's not here."

Rhea's chest was still heaving as she tried to control her breath. She hadn't been so worked up in years. She hated how it made her feel - how sit made her look. She wasn't a yeller anymore, she wasn't someone who said such venomous words to hurt others. "It's okay."

Spencer resisted the urge to sigh.

It wasn't okay. But, Rhea Reeves had gotten very good at pretending it would be.

★☆

ANGST ANGST ANGST BABEYYYYY

also I HATET filler chapters but i feel like this was important and also it's hard writing characters who aren't super badass, cause i love the sarcastic bitches so it's a challenge to write rhea, who's badass in her own way, but has also chosen to be a good person ya know

idk

anyway

hope you enjoyed the long ass chapter, i feel like there isn't really a direction ii'm heading in with this book which is :/// but i still like writing it so hopefully yall still like reading it

byeeee