TW: Thoughts of suicide and self harm

I sat in the bathtub, hiding from all social interaction when the door suddenly opened, then slammed back shut. Just by the breathing, I could tell that it was exactly who I wanted to see. Jeremy.

He sits down against the bathtub, taking deep breaths, almost like he had just been running.

I reach to tap his shoulder, to get his attention. He jumps and screams, crawling away from me, panicking.

I pull open the curtains, "'Sup."

He blinks at me, as I pull the cups that were tapped to my chest off, "Michael?! I didn't know you were invited to this party?"

I stand up. "I wasn't. Which is why I'm wearing this clever disguise." I gesture to my clothes. He just gaps at me, his mouth opening and closing like a goldfish.

I look at him, almost surprised, "You're speechless." then I think I about it, "Squip got your tongue?" I say in a sarcastic, almost mocking tone, offering a hand to pull him up, he takes it, and I help him stand.

He looks down, seemly sad, "N-no, it-it's off." he stutters quietly.

I snap, "That would explain why you're talking to me. I was thinking about this moment, what I was going to say to you," I raise my voice slightly, as I let my anger be explained through my words, "I had this really pissed off monologue. An epic journey through twelve years of friendship."

He stares at me, and a small smile breaks through.

"What?" I say, getting slightly annoyed with the lack of response. His smile drops.

"N-no, i-its just, its really great to see you, man." He smiles again and attempts to hug me.

I push him away, "Well, it won't be when you hear what I found out." I cross my arms.

"Found out?" he questions, slightly confused, "About wh-?"

His voice lessons as I tap my own head, implying the Squip.

"How?" He looks shocked, and I nearly laugh, "There's nothing on the internet-"

"Which is weird right?" I interrupt, "I mean, what's not on the internet? So I started asking around and finally this guy I play Warcraft with told me his brother went from a straight D student to a freshman at Harvard." I explain, "You know where he is now?"

"Really happy and successful?" he asked, but looked like he was more just hoping.

"He's in a mental hospital," I answer.

Silence.

"Totally lost it," I add.

"Alright, I don't see what that has to do with me." He says, leaning against the counter.

"Think, man!" I yell at him, "We're talking an insanely powerful supercomputer, do you think its primary function is to get you laid?" He averts his eyes. "Who made them? How did they end up in a high school?" I question. "In New Jersy? In all possible applications for such a, a mind-blowingly advanced technology, do you ever wonder what it's doing inside of you?" I point at him, attempting for him to see my point.

He huffs, taking a moment of silence, "I thought Chloe was jealous."

"I'm honestly asking-"

"Oh, really?" He interrupts, glaring at me.

"Yeah."

"It's, I think, you're just pissed that I have one and you don't," He accuses.

I take a breath, "Come on."

"Hey, maybe I got lucky. Alright, Is that so weird?" He rants, stuttering slightly, "With my history, uh, I would say that the universe owed me one. And look, I don't know about your, your, uh, your friends, brothers, whatever, but if you're telling me that the squip made him craz-"

"The squip didn't make him crazy." I snap, yelling.

"Alright, th-"

"He went crazy trying to get it out!" I grab his shoulders, slightly shaking him with anger.

Silence.

He pushes me away, "Well, then... I've got nothing to worry about, why would I want that?" He moves towards the door, but I step in front of him.

"Come on, man, move it." He says almost desperately.

I glare at him, "Or you'll what."

He glares back, slightly hesitating before whispering, "Get out of my way... loser."

We make eye contact, and I swear I see a glimpse of regret before I look down and step aside. He opens the door, and slams it, leaving me alone in the bathroom.

I slide down the wall, pulling my knees to my chest. A few seconds later there's a knocking on the door. "Hello? Some of us have to pee." a voice says through the door.

"I'm having my period" I cry out, my voice cracking.

"Take your time, honey." The girl says quietly.

I listen to her footsteps disappear down the hallway.

I look around the room I sat in, as the loneliness surrounded me.

"Get out of the way, loser."

You could disappear, and no one would notice. Not even Jeremy. I felt my inner demons start to take over. You're best and only friend left you, you're that unlovable. He never loved you. All he ever said was lies. Never not gonna be a team, bullshit.

"Get out of the way, loser."

I contemplate getting up and joining the rest of my peers, but I would rather just stay here, It's not like I'd be doing anything out there anyway

"Get out of the way, loser."

I feel panic spread through me as I analyze the situation. Jeremy didn't care. No one did. I hyperventilate as a panic attack starts. I half expect Jeremy to run in with a slushie, and hold me close, letting me match my breathing to his, but of course, that doesn't happen. I've lost my player two.

"Get out of the way, loser."

I move away from the door and sit next to the bathtub. As I sat, I had begun to lose track of time, but it's not like it matters, I'm going to leave once the party's over, to avoid the humiliation of seeing him. I pick at grout, as someone knocks on the door, "No, you can't come in." I softly yell at them, getting up to lock the door.

"Get out of the way, loser."

I sit on the edge of the tub. They don't know you. I tell myself. They're going to be judging you. You're a loser sitting in the bathroom by himself. Of course, they're going to judge.

"Get out of the way, loser."

A tear slips down my face as Jeremy pops back into my mind. I imagine him, laughing, dancing, with someone who isn't me. Newer, Cooler, Better, Who wouldn't pick someone else over you? He's ignoring you for a reason. You're. A. Loser.

"Get out of the way, loser."

I hum along with a drunk girl singing to Whitney from the hallway. "I wanna dance with somebody," I mumble, more tears streaming down my cheeks. Yeah, but nobody wants to dance with you. If Jeremy was here we could make fun of her together. Jeremy is gone. He left you because you're a loser.

"Get out of the way, loser."

I choke back more tears, wiping off the ones resting on my face. I realize I'm slightly tipsy, and I start to panic more, thinking about how mad my moms would be, and how would I get home? I push the worries aside, and pull myself up, staring at my reflexion.

"Get out of the way, loser."

My eyes are red and puffy. There was no hiding that I've been crying. I start to think of excuses, I was smoking weed? There's something in my eye? Well, it's not like anyone's going to care. Why bother thinking of excuses? I'm alone. Mentally, emotionally, and physically.

"Get out of the way, loser."

Knock! Knock! Knock! Knock!

I jump as someone loudly knocks on the door. I back up against the wall, attempting to distance myself from the door. If I don't do anything people will start to shout.

Knock! Knock! Knock! Knock!

Oh hell, "Yeah, I'll be out soon" I yell at the door.

Knock! Knock! Knock! Knock!

I pull myself into a ball as the people outside start to yell and pound on the door. Jeremy left me here, to cry, to hurt, to grieve.

Knock! Knock! Knock! Knock!

Jeremy left me here in this teenage battle zone.

Clang! Clang! Clang! Clang!

I shakily stand up, extremely nervous.

Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang!

Why did I come here? It was such a mistake. Everything would be fine if I didn't show up. I turn on the tap to slightly cold water, and splash it onto my face, ignoring the water that fell to the floor. I sigh, drying my face with the towel that was there. I felt so much better. I moved to open the door, but it seemed like everyone had left.

"Get out of the way, loser."

I stare at myself in the mirror, alone, I'm no more than a loser, who's best friend left him. Because I am unimportant, a loser. I wish Jeremy wanted me again. I miss when he was my friend.

"Get out of the way, loser."

I'm just a loser, sitting in a bathroom, at someone else's house, is there a sadder sight? This is a heinous night. I wish I just stayed home and watched porn or something, or maybe I could just kill myself. I have my sleeping pills. I could do it. It's not like anyone cares anyway. I wish I had never been born. Jeremy would have been happier. My moms would be happier. I don't matter. I'm just a loner, who enjoys getting stoned in my basement with my best friend, and I drive a Pt Cruiser. Oh my god, you're such a loser. I'm flying solo, by myself, in the bathroom, alone. I slide down the walls, new tears running down my face.

"Get out of the way, loser."

All anyone, except Jeremy, knows about me is my name, yet they all hate me. No one cares. Kill yourself. More tears and I wish Jeremy was still with me. He would hold me, and love me, and calm me down. I wish Jeremy still cared. This stupid party ruined any chance I had with getting Jeremy back. Now he's gone. All because of me, that stupid squip, and this stupid party.

"Get out of the way, loser."

I look up at the ceiling as I begin to let out all the pain. Shaking from all the tears, I cry, "A-awe-awesome p-party-y," I cry even more, unable to breathe. "I- i'm-m s-so gl-glad i c-ca-came."

Word count: 1680

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First chapter done!! Please vote, and comment telling me what you think!! It would mean the world to me!! I hope you have had an amazing day!!

-Madi <3
march 30 2019