Today anxiety is pulling me like an anchor

It's the thing reminding me that today was therapy

And I didn't tell her anything.

It's like a force pulling me down and up and away from whatever is making me sane and safe and sound.

I feel like I'm drowning in holy water

I have no real problems

No real crisis

No real deal

I have a weakened mind

And a whole weekend ahead of me

Today everything feels bigger and is a trigger

For an obsessive thought

An obsessive lie I tell my mind to believe in

It's a lie I buy everytime this damn thing called angst bangs on my door and makes me feel like living is a chore, like making your bed a hundred times and never being able to get the sheet straightened out.

My shit isn't straightened out right now.

And of course there's this boy that I like

That kissed me a couple times

And made me feel a little less like life's so hard 

But then I remember I'm anxious and everything starts to suck all over again and the boy becomes a lie of all the times I thought he was mine! 

Is he mine?

And of course there's this boy that I like

That kissed me a couple times

This boy that I like feels so precious

Sometimes I feel like with him I'm so me and so bright

And time passes on by so fast as he grasps my hand and grazes his fingers on my cheeks

And my chest feels the bump of my heart beating fast

And I catch my mind making jumps to the past trying to remember the shade of his cheeks when I kissed his lips and felt like I was the only chick he ever cared about.

My friends keep telling me I'm in love

But love is such a small word with a big meaning

I'm kinda scared of what it means to be in love and I don't think I am but if I am what am I supposed to do when he breaks my heart, and splits it into a million parts like endless pieces of a puzzle that can't find the right fit ever again? It's always like that in books. My life isn't a book.

My friends keep telling me he'll be my boyfriend

But I don't know the rules of love and touch and graze and where and when we'll meet and kiss softly the crooks of our necks and if he'll able to see right trough me and think I'm too weird. I also don't know if he's my boy friend or my boyfriend and when does this confusion end?

My friends keep telling me I love him but I don't even know what love means.

I don't know what love is.

What love makes us do and what it makes us think.

I have no clue of what love is.

Today I feel anxiety beating as the beat of a song that was too long and way too fast and my past comes by, a strong grasp and weighs on my chest and it kinda makes me feel like I'm a mess and might explode at any minute.

I don't know if I like this boy

If I'm in love with this boy...

I've never been in love before

I don't know if I kiss him right or if he's just too shy to tell me that I am a really bad at using my tongue other ways than speaking.

I don't know if I am that pretty or if he is just blind when he tells me he thought I was bealtiful and nice, maybe he finds out I'm not that kind or funny and am just plain fine and with time he'll get used to me and to the things he finds attractive in me and maybe he'll start to think if "she's really worth it"

 I don't know if I like this boy

Because his singing is pretty bad and he likes this girl in my class who is so infuriating and sad! And he sent me a picture once with a horrible face on and that's just strange. , I think, I don't know anything anymore.

Mom, I think I might like this boy

He told me I was pretty and smart and told me he'd always try to make me laugh and that with me is usually a huge catch (you know I love to laugh). I like the way he strokes my neck with only the tip of his fingers, the way he told me he liked math and passed on this really hard test once.

I like the way I could hear the heart beat in his chest when I put my ear against it, I like the way he laughs and says he doesn't care about what anybody thinks. I liked that he said he apologized really fast because I do that too I guess. I liked the way he forced me to think fast when we were studying for a physics test,, I like the way he looks over at me thinking I never notice but I always notice and when I notice and he notices that I noticed he smiles and it's really cute.

Look, there's this boy that I like. I don't know if I love him and am I doubt if I can call him mine , but with him seconds feel like the longest time and that's something, I guess.

 I have no clue what is love.