H A R P E R

By the time the window panes of Columbia were covered in condensation drops every morning, minutes after the sun would start rising, I knew deep down in my heart that this wasn't doable. And by this I mean me catching flights every week or so to go home, feeling miserable all the time, living off the donuts Wyatt brings me. I wasn't even doing what I came here to do, which was to study. I never attended the first class of the day, I had at least three papers overdue, and I was pretty sure that I failed the quizzes I took, and I will most likely fail my upcoming midterms.

I tried to wing it, I really did. And I truly believe I have thoroughly tested the fake it till you make it theory, only to not succeed at it.

Fall is upon us and even though I know that after learning my decision, anyone would tell me that "it's too soon to tell" or something along the lines of "you'll get used to it", I knew that wasn't true. Because I knew I didn't want this almost immediately, probably got a hint even before I left the West Coast, and no, I would not get used to it because there is nothing I want to get used to. I hate it here. There, I said it. I hate being in New York, I hate living here and I hate the idea of me doing this. It is wrong in so many ways.

That's why when the accommodation department emailed me to let me know I would be getting a roommate, I didn't even bother to type a response to try and persuade them to find some other room for the overseas student. I had thought very thoroughly about this and I had decided to drop out, pack my things and go back home.

Considering all of this, I should not be this startled when I opened the door of my dorm room and saw a blonde girl unpacking some clothes and placing them on top of my bed.

"Who are you?!" I asked, while I looked around, my eyes opened wide.

The girl turned around, now facing me, and showed me a smile before extending her hand out.

"Hello! You must be Harper." I shook the girl's hand, slowly, while I searched for some logic regarding the stranger in my room, my brain still not connecting the dots. "I'm Daryna, I'm your new roommate."

Oh.

"Oh, right!" I said, my lips contorting into a smile and my face now looking less surprised. "I'm sorry, they didn't tell me which day you'd be moving, so I wasn't expecting anyone so soon."

This shouldn't have even been that much of a shocker for me. Deep down, I knew this day would come. I wasn't paying for a private dorm room, this was merely a temporary situation I was in that turned out to bode well for me but that was it. I should have known that sooner or later, someone would be moving in.

"Well, welcome! I hope you'll enjoy Columbia."

"Thanks! You can call me Dary, by the way." She went back to folding some sweaters all while looking over shoulder to eye me when she spoke. "It's my first time here, so I'm a little overwhelmed."

"Where are you from?" I asked after closing the door behind me and putting down my bag on the desk.

"I came all the way from Poland, but I'm actually from Ukraine. I've been living at my aunt's house in Poland since...you know."

She couldn't even say it. A three-letter word we say casually as if it was just a normal phenomenon like rain or wind. And this girl, who couldn't even be two years older than me, couldn't say it out loud.

The realization that we don't even give it a second thought before talking about it as if it was ordinary hit me like a wrecking ball. It's gut wrenching.

"I am so sorry." I found myself saying. Although, I know that no matter how many times I say I'm sorry, that'll never ease the pain the people of Ukraine felt and are still feeling.

People lost their homes, their loved ones, their pets, their community, their entire lives. It's one thing when you see it all over the news and you read about a Ukrainian family's perspective on social media, but it's an entirely different thing when you have a victim of an ongoing war standing in front of you, saying she's overwhelmed to be here. Overwhelmed is probably a massive understatement to describe how she's feeling right now. She had to flee her home to go live in another country for her safety and for some reason that she hasn't told me yet (and I can only assume it isn't a nice one), she had to move to yet another country to attend college. My country. New York City.

I couldn't help but think about the first time I came to New York City. How I loved the melting pot of cultures that it is and how it represented so much freedom for so many people looking for better lives. Turns out, all these years later, even with so much change and the world looking a little messed up, this city has still got it. It's still got the ability to be home for others. A home for everyone.

And this felt like everything I needed to remember right now.

"Thanks." Her lips were pursed into a tight line when she forced a smile.

"You'll have the room all to yourself soon." I blurted out. I didn't intend to tell her right away, but then again there was no particular reason why I shouldn't either.

Daryna stopped folding and gave me a puzzled expression, so I explained myself.

"I'm dropping out."

Her eyes almost popped out of its sockets.

"What?" She struggled to find words. "Do you mind if I ask why?"

I could tell her the long, detailed version of events, but the last thing I wanted was to spill my guts to a girl I had just met.

"I'm just not adjusting to living far away from home. I miss my family and friends a lot." And I shrugged, as if it was no big deal, but when she looked at me, I could tell I had done the thing I had just criticized.

She could have been straight with me and told me something along the lines of "you don't know how good you have it, you privileged girl", but no. She tucked a strand of blonde hair behind her ear, and her blue eyes were nothing short of kind.

"I know how you feel, it's not easy." She paused. "But we don't give ourselves enough credit, we can be stronger than you think. Believe me."

All of my friends, and especially Wyatt, have told me the same thing but with other words, meaning to encourage me to stay and prove myself wrong. But Daryna's words did something to me. Maybe it was the guilt trip I was suddenly in, or maybe it was because her words came from a place of knowledge, from personal experience with a situation far worse than mine.

I can't fully explain why or how, but she made me feel like I should give myself another chance and try this out for at least until the end of the semester. But then when I thought about staying here for all that time, I felt like the walls were closing in on me, like my lungs were about to collapse and I couldn't breathe, and I shoved that initial thought to the back of my mind and made a personal choice to stick with my plan.

"Yeah... I know what you mean but I just think the timing wasn't right for me."

The timing is never right.

I thought about what she was probably thinking. The timing wasn't right when she had to pack her belongings into a bag and move to another country. She wouldn't be wrong if she were to say that and I wouldn't even take it personally if she did. She would be correct.

But she never said it and neither did she bring up the subject for the rest of the afternoon, which we spent together at our dorm, me helping her with unpacking and organizing. 

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author's note

i think harper needed daryna in her life more than anyone at the moment 🥺

question: have you ever considered moving abroad? if you have what was your experience like?

if you're enjoying LEOYAM, please consider voting, and leaving a comment with your thoughts! also, share this story with your friends and whoever you think might like it <3 and last but not least, follow me on ig - missmarswrites - i'm fun, i swear!

xoxo, mars