Stupid. Stupid stupid stupid.

Half the time, Chaewon couldn't conjure up a single tear and she'd wonder if she was an unfeeling monster.

The other half of the time, she was crying waterfalls and rivers and lakes and oceans of tears.

Right now, she was crying oceans.

People always said it was okay to cry. Heroes cried, main characters cried, heroines cried.

No one ever mentioned how much it stings.

Your eyes burn, your lips get chapped, and your cheeks hurt with the force of a hundred needles.

Sometimes Chaewon could only think, thought after thought after thought. Sometimes she couldn't think at all. Sometimes she was so hungry she could eat, like, ten muffins in one sitting, and sometimes she didn't eat for days. Sometimes she slept for nineteen hours, and sometimes she lay awake for hours and hours, unable to rest.

As a last resort to stop her tears, a small part of Chaewon's brain whispered, Hyejoo wouldn't want this.

No.

Stop.

You're supposed to hate her. You argued. She couldn't put time aside for you.

The last resort failed. 

Chaewon sobbed violently into her shirt.

The shirt that wasn't actually her shirt because it was Hyejoo's.

And she was wearing it.

Screw you, me.

And maybe Hyejoo hadn't done anything wrong. She just worked a lot. And... fine. Fine. She loved her. She loved Hyejoo so much that it hurt.

And it did hurt. It hurt so badly.

Chaewon's face tensed. The sobs had been building up in her throat for a while now. 

And then they built up just high enough to spill out of her throat in the most angry cry she had ever screamed out in her life. It left her throat raw. And with the scream came more tears. The cycle just came and came and came.

Why was she so stupid? How could she be so stupid? The sight of Hyejoo's confused, betrayed face would be etched into her memory forever. 

How she could still see love in that gorgeous face of her ex-girlfriend's, even after Chaewon had kicked her, the prettiest girl in existence, out of their apartment had slashed a deep gash on her heart.

And although all gashes heal, this one would scar.

Chaewon's hair was wet. Why was everything wet? Everything seemed to be damp these past few hours - her shirt, her pillows, her face. Her tears could drown the apartment. So, so many tears.

Her blonde locks stuck to her wet cheeks as she furiously scrubbed her face in a failing attempt to dry herself because everything was wet. Including her hands.

So she sat. Crying herself to sleep. Day after day, night after night.

It was summer break. Wasn't like anyone could do anything. No one could interrupt her from making this routine.

Of course, because the universe hated Chaewon, the second she thought this, someone knocked on the door.

"Who is it?" Chaewon's voice cracked a little as she talked from the inside of the closed door. She refused to open the door looking like a mess. 

"I, um, it's... me. Hyejoo. Son Hyejoo. Although you probably know that. Already. Because my last name... never mind." 

Chaewon cringed at how loudly she gasped.

And amidst all this, the back of her mind had to point out the adorable way Hyejoo's short, awkward rants started squeaky and sunk down into her natural, raspy tone before trailing off into mumbled curses.

"O-oh." If only Chaewon's voice could be so cute.

After a few minutes of silence, Hyejoo spoke, voice trembling. "I just came to say h-happy birthday."

Chaewon's eyes grew large. "Oh. Oh. Um... th-thanks?"

No one else had remembered.

A surge of annoyance flooded Chaewon's small body, but it was drowned out by love and adoration. 

She had remembered. She had remembered when no one else had.

"M-may I come in? I, er, come bearing brownies. And a gift."

"Fine. You may enter. Just because the brownies."

The click of the door unlocking was satisfying for a minute before it was shut, rather quickly, again.

Holy crap. "Wait one minute I need to, erm..."

Chaewon never finished her excuse before she bolted to the closet, desperately rifling through her piles of pants and tee-shirts to find something presentable.

From the other side of the door, Hyejoo chuckled and rolled her eyes.

Of course, it wasn't like Hyejoo hadn't spent hours finding a good outfit to look better than a potato for her ex-girlfriend, but that was irrelevant.

Hyejoo could hear Chaewon's pounding feet moments before the door even opened.

Chaewon was lightly panting.

Both stared, eyes large. 

Chaewon really hadn't sung of Hyejoo's beauty enough.

Maybe it was the crappy apartment building's lighting; maybe it was the way her sandal-heels matched her thin, beige chinos; maybe it was the way her tight, black shirt clung to her figure and left her shoulders exposed.

Had her shoulders always been that pretty?

Chaewon was suddenly ultra-aware of the way her blonde hair clashed terrifically with her orange hoodie.

Rather breathlessly, Hyejoo muttered a weak, "Hi."

"H-hi." Chaewon whispered.

Handing two boxes to Chaewon, Hyejoo ran a hand through her thick, dark locks. "E-erm, happy birthday?"

Her hair fell perfectly tousled and Chaewon didn't know how to handle that.

She probably gaped for a time that was longer than what was considered polite.

"Th-thanks." Chaewon's voice was thick with clash because screw, this was the girlfriend she argued with just yesterday about time and work, but this was also the girlfriend that remembered her birthday even after the arguing and Chaewon could no longer function.

To top it all off, this was the girlfriend that pulled off a tight, black crop top in a way that was dangerously hot.

"I'll just g-go then..."

Hyejoo turned, walking away.

Do I do it? Do I not? Yes? No? Maybe?

In a last minute decision, Chaewon launched herself forward and grabbed Hyejoo's wrist.

Hyejoo spun around and Chaewon somehow found herself gazing right into her eyes.

Apologies spilled out.

"I'm really sorr-"

"No it was my fau-"

"I was so selfis-"

"I was ignora-"

Chaewon looked down, flustered and biting a cut into her chapped lips. Her mouth filled with the murky taste of her own blood and she was too scared to look up.

"You go first."

"No you."

"No you!"

"Rock paper scissors."

Hyejoo played rock. Chaewon played paper.

The smaller girl smiled triumphantly before schooling her expression.

Hyejoo sighed and blew a long bang from her face. "I... I was stupid and ignorant and took you for granted and I'm so sorry because I was dumb and..." Hyejoo looked up at Chaewon with a stare so intense and shattered and scared that Chaewon had to look down again. "Chaewon, I didn't even know I was doing it. I'm-" 

Hyejoo spun around, taking a deep breath, before turning again, eyes glassy. "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry." 

Hyejoo looked away. "Your turn," she mumbled.

Chaewon took a deep breath. "I was selfish. You were doing more important things that were helping me too, but I just wanted you for myself. I was illogical and irrational and stupid and greedy." She released a bitter chuckle. "So you don't have to apologize. This was all me and you should know it. I was a freaking jerk. Please don't blame yourself."

And as an afterthought, she added quietly, "I miss you."

Silence.

More silence.

Both just stood, trying to comprehend what the other had said.

Until Chaewon flew at Hyejoo, quietly crying.

On instinct, Hyejoo wrapped her arms tightly around the shorter girl.

They rocked back and forth, standing in front of Chaewon's apartment. Chaewon hiccuped into Hyejoo's unbearably fitted shirt.

Hyejoo had her own silent tears streaming down her cheeks.

"I love you." Chaewon giggled, sighing contentedly. She didn't know for sure, but she was pretty certain that Hyejoo's heart rate had speeded up.

"I, er, yes. I... too. Me too. I, um, also. I love you too."

*

So.

Hi.

I kind of disappeared from this book for a... good few months. Yeah.

Guys, I'm so sorry. Actually. Truly. I'm a terrible person.

I'm so sorry I didn't actually announce anything, but I've decided that I'm going to go on hiatus from this book bc of my other oneshot book. I've also decided that I'm going to go back and edit all of the chapters, maybe make them more interesting or better written, you know?

So yeah. Maybe some day, I'll post something else new, but for now, thanks for reading loves, and I'll see you soon? :)