Eyes down.

Turn left, eleven steps.

Hood up. 

Ninety degrees right, continue straight.

One, two, three, four, five steps.

Keep away from the crowds.

No eye contact. 

The day I make eye contact, it's all gone. 

My colors. 

The cheeky flair of the sun when it sets, the stone cold rays of moonlight, the twinkle of the stars. The street lamps, the books arranged on my windowsill, my own reflection in the mirror.

I breathe a sigh of relief as I step into my corner of the library, already unzipping my backpack. I gently pull out my pencil and a journal, resting both on the floor. My hair is pitch black and tangled as it falls out from behind my ear and swings into my line of vision. I tuck it back in it's place. And then I start to sketch.

My fingers flit over the blank paper, the delicate lines of a sharpened pencil almost unnaturally soft. The smell of books lingers. Eventually I start to see the outline of a tiny star. Tiny stars dot the page. So I need to capture the twinkle of the stars. That's a particularly hard one. It's easy to draw lines with different colors and run the side of a pencil lightly over the page, but to make a good twinkle, to make any kind of twinkle at all, it takes time.

Clumped strands of messy hair continue to bother me. I settle for swishing it over one shoulder and letting it block my face like a curtain.

"Woah, that's a good drawing!"

I roll my eyes, not surprised at all that someone would pick to bother the lonely kid behind a line of bookshelves.

I say just about the kindest, politest, totally not rudest sentence ever: "Go away."

I can feel the person's eye roll. They're all the same.

But when I glance at her face through my peripheral vision... she's smiling.

Why is she smiling?

"But it really is such a good drawing..."

I don't know what it was that stopped me from immediately shutting the girl down.

Something was weird, something was off.

"No, don't bother me."

"Pleaaassseee?"

"I don't even know you."

Well, I might know you but I'm not looking anywhere near anyone's eyes.

"Please I really want to see you draw!"

I sigh exasperatedly. "Fine."

I drown the girl's shrill voice with the prerecorded sound of silence from my brain. Just a line there and a stroke right-

"Hey, can I ask you something?"

In my haste, in my anger, I forget. I forget that looking anyone's eyes could mean immediate loss of color. But in my frustration, I looked straight into the girl's eyes and whisper-yelled, "Can you PLEASE just leave m-"

A chill runs down my spine so severely that I close my eyes.

When it's passed, I open them.

And everything is gone. 

I take in a sharp breath and stare in horror at my arms, watch them be sucked of color.

The floor seems to sway underneath me.

"No, no, no, no." I close my eyes and open them again, but bit by bit, gold nail polish at the tips of my fingers dulls to a grey.

I swallow down bile in my throat.

My stomach turns summersaults.

The greyness runs down my arms until it sucks all the color from every last finger.

Deep breaths, Hyejoo. Deep breaths.

But I can't. I can't take deep breaths when my heart is pushing blood into my body too fast for my lungs to take in oxygen for it.

So I rationally spin on my heel and sprint away. 

At the time, it was panic thinking, but it was smart. If I ran fast enough, got tired enough, I could force myself to breathe.

I only notice the tears streaming down my face halfway through the run to the other side of the campus. 

I forgot my backpack. 

I forgot my sketchbook. 

I forgot that stupid girl back in the library and I tried to imagine the blue building, the grey undertones, the white trimming. 

I squeeze my eyes tight.

I peek out from under my eyelashes.

Nothing. 

I sob harder, still running past people. My classmates' hair no longer has hue. I bite the inside of my cheek as I realize I've never gotten to see the color of anyone's eyes. I've read about sea greens and blues and greys and browns flecked with gold in people's eyes, but I've never seen it.

I turn to a small comfort. My hoodie is still black. A minor condolence. 

All I can do is cry.

I slam the door behind me as my feet carry me toward the empty art studio. 

I sink to the floor, holding the door down as I lean against it.

I cry at what I've lost, what I've never experienced, what I'll never see.

Never again would I witness the glory of a sunset, the rays of the moon, the sparkle in the stars. 

I bow my head, thinking of how I am in the very classroom I had first learned to capture those very stars on a painting.

I sit there for what seems like hours and no time at all, head buried in my knees.

A shy knock comes from behind me.

"S-son Hyejoo?"

I recognize the voice from earlier and almost start to cry all over again.

I rub my face with my soaking sleeve. "What," I croak.

"I-I just wanted t-to say, I'm sorry. For taking away your colors."

I hate apologies. I always have. They don't do anything.

But at least this one is apologizing for something that has hurt me in a way nothing else could.

I sit against the door for a while, until I hear the girl start crying. It's nearly silent, but it's there.

The mere fact that she could be crying for the destruction of my life made me want to help her, make her feel better.

I stand and softly pull open the door.

She is gorgeous. 

The silver highlights in her hair, which was, at the moment, tied up in a knot at the back of her head. 

The light, pale color of her sweater, tucked into dark jeans. 

Her face, her unblemished skin with the exception of a few tears, her freckles which were only slightly greyer than her skin tone. 

And her huge eyes were still dark and open and endless. Her eyes held a whole universe of stars. 

I look over my shoulder, out the window. 

That's when I realize that it's still there.

The world is still there.

I'm just seeing it through a filter.

I turn back to the girl.

She looks up at me.

I manage to reassure her, "No, no you didn't take away my colors. You just... changed them a little."

"Really?"

"Really," I say, and I mean it.

She smiles and the stars are in it.

*

Oh god the cringe of editing this save me-

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Thx for readinggggggg luv u all