What a feeling!

Then one day it happened, the day that I was waiting for had arrived. 1st January 2020 was my last day at Axel. I knew it would be a stressful day for me, the emotional person that I am. I was filled with so many sentiments. It was tough for me to face being away from my co-workers, I had seen day in and day out over the last year. Some were closer than others. Though it was my decision, I wasn't fond of the change. It was scaring my life out at that time. I cried a great deal that evening, everyone, who saw, saw me with splotchy red eyes.

"I will miss this place," I said over and over and over in my head, and out loud, I hugged everyone and cried and cried. I felt like I am leaving a family there.

Sara acted as my pillar of optimism, she was leaving Axel with me, without her I don't know how much more I would have cried, maybe I would have taken back my resignation.

I hugged Marcia, a very affectionate lady from a different team. She was the last person left for me to say goodbye.

The automated watch on the wall said it was 8:46 pm and I couldn't have left the office before 9: 15 so I took a deep breath, turned, and started walking back to my desk, I couldn't help but notice Sankalp pacing around near my desk to Vijay's desk.

I know he was there for some work, but I would still like to think he was there for me because he knew I wouldn't have gone to his desk to tell him last goodbye.

Then my eye fell on Pankaj standing beside him, I remember I didn't say goodbye to him either. So, I walked to him, shook his hand and talk for two minutes and said my farewell.

Next, I turned toward Sankalp and said, "of course you, Goodbye."

Sankalp grinned as I extended my left hand in a greeting, waiting for a farewell handshake with him; hoped that my sweaty palm wouldn't turn him off. He held my hand with his left hand, perfect fit but in a loose grip while he said, "all the best for your future."

I opened my mouth to respond with some kind of thanksgiving words but "same to you," escaped from my mouth.

"Why are you saying that to him?" Vijay laughed. "sorry!" I grinned back as I turned all the way toward and started talking to Vijay. Sankalp stood there in silence, watching us and listening. As far as I can remember, he tried probing in once in between our conversation but couldn't. I didn't want to speak to him.

I couldn't have spoken; I was well aware that there were floods of those messy emotions simmering inside me.

I looked at the watch again, and this time it was 9: 06; "I can leave in the next 11 minutes and go to the gym", I said with a slight smile.

"Don't go to the gym today! Stay here a little longer." Sankalp said in that calming voice of his. Immediately my head turned, and my eyes met his. I wanted to agree, but couldn't, I shook my head, "No, I can't miss the gym."

He had nothing to say to he shrugged his shoulders a little.

"What about tea Vijay?" Sankalp asked, and Vijay nodded. They left me and started walking toward the cafeteria, maybe.

"Finally!" said Payel. She didn't make sense to me. I didn't get her.

"What do you mean?" I asked quizzically.

"He spoke to you finally!" She said.

I raised my eyebrows slightly as if to say, "We spoke before too," but nothing came out of my mouth. I didn't want to end on a sour note. If I acted that desperate for him, then I was bowing my head and accepting my mistakes.

"Yeah!"

"You know what Shri, you will get better than him!" I think, she said it to make me feel better but all I wanted to reply was; Don't want anything more than him, or less than him. Only him. 

But all  I did was smile and leave.

...............

When I reached there, all the associate managers and Sankalp were still around didn't go to the cafeteria.

I was about to open the door. But Vijay headed for the door, opened it before me with a bow, and said, "After you, Ma'am."

I laughed at his silliness and said, "Thank you, sir."

I kept walking up to an exit. They were talking and walking slowly behind me. My heart began to pound furiously, and I wanted to turn back and look at Sankalp, but my body did not listen to my heart, as it is was only taking orders from my brain.

Last thing I understood, after walking a while behind me, they stopped near a tiny tea stall laden with buns, samosa, toffees, shakes, puff, and the local lemon soda, besides the usual tea and coffee

I finally walked out of the office building to the bike parking, I felt like something was wrong. Like I would be leaving half of my heart behind the wall, inside the Axel's building, with Sankalp.

I scanned the area, I could see Sankalp through the gap over the wall. Sankalp had been laughing at something Tusar said, something I' couldn't hear, but I remember that laugh, it still in my tattooed in my mind. Sankalp threw his head back like a child and laughed, the strong column of his neck fully revealed, his Adam's apple bobbing as his white teeth gleamed.

Hot uncontrollable tears suddenly flooded her eyes again. Suspicion, fear, captured my heart in a lock-hold. I wondered what if I find my prince with eyes so blue I just want to dive into or like the sky where I want to sail like a kite but still search I search for that pair of brown eyes, the colour of earth, grounding you down, a place where you want to sit. The pair of eyes, with distorted eyebrows, settle calmly behind the spectacles.

I was so angry with myself for allowing me to cry over a man.

"You should not have rejected all those guys so decisively. You should have considered at least one of them! Then you wouldn't have been so broken now." A sure but unwilling voice said in my mind.

For the next two weeks, I listened to JP Saxe's song If the World Was Ending (feat. Julia Michaels) all of the time. One day, I listened to it for several hours on repeat.