TW ⚠️: mentions of death, drug addiction, fat-phobic comments, domestic abuse. Proceed with caution, please

Thump. Thump. Thump. Thump.

"Why is everyone screaming?"

A sharp pain cut across her head, but she ignored it in favour of looking ahead of her.

" What's happened? Why's there so much blood on Papa? He isn't on a mission."

A nine-year-old Maryam sat in silence, staring blankly at her father's bleeding head resting on the steering wheel, his eyes void of life.

To onlookers, she looked unnaturally calm, but her mind was in turmoil. She couldn't process what had happened and was desperately clinging to her consciousness.

"Don't cry, Papa hates it when you cry. Don't cry, Papa hates it when you cry,
Don't cry, Papa hates it when you cry."

The mantra was on repeat at the back of her mind, probably the only thing that kept her awake despite the bleeding gash on her forehead.

She had a few cuts from the broken glass that had shattered upon impact from the car behind them. She was losing a lot of blood, yet seemed to be stuck in a sort of trance.

"There's a little girl in there! Someone get her out!"

The shout seemed to bring her back to reality and she began to panic. She noticed a crowd forming around the three cars involved in the accident, with theirs in the middle.

"No! It's too crowded! Crowds are bad! No! Don't come closer, Papa won't be able to breathe."

Some of the onlookers managed to pry open the door and attempted to coax her out. She shrank away and began to hyperventilate.

"Don't cry. Papa hates it when you cry.
Don't cry. Papa hates it when you cry.
Don't cry. Papa hates it when you cry."

Unbeknownst to her, tears flowed freely from her eyes as her throat began to close in on itself. A woman reached in and grabbed her hand to pull her out.

Maryam kicked her hand away and lunged at her father's corpse. She began shaking it and yelling for him to wake up.

Deep down in her subconscious mind, she knew he was dead and that he wouldn't be waking up anytime soon, but she couldn't bring herself to acknowledge it and kept shaking him violently.

" I'm sorry for not being born a boy! I'm sorry I was never strong enough! I'm sorry for being a bad child, I'll do everything you say from now just please don't die, Papa! I can't lose you too."

An ambulance soon arrived and took out his body from the wreck. Maryam was brought out as well, much to her displeasure.

Maryam began thrashing, trying to go to her father. She was still in the middle of a panic attack and her vision was getting blurry from blood loss.

She still fought against the medics despite her critical condition and they decided to sedate her. To their surprise, the sedative had no effect and they were forced to use a stronger dose before she passed out.

Hours later, she wakes up to the beeping of a heart monitor and the familiar sniffling of her sister Almirah.

She blinked her eyes slowly, her squinted them due to the bright light till they adjusted and looked around. Her sisters were all by her bedside. Almirah's eyes were red and puffy with tears still running down her face. Khairat seemed to be holding hers back and Hannan looked as blank as always.

Maryam stared blankly at the ceiling. Her head was spinning and her mind was in shambles. She couldn't think straight and felt like she was losing her grip on reality. So, she did what knew to do best; recite her mantra.

"Don't cry, Papa hates it when you cry. Don't cry, Papa hates it when you cry."

Hannan clicked her tongue and glared at her.

"Stop that. You look like Father's puppet again. He's gone, he can't do anything to you anymore so quit it."

Almirah jerked her head in Hannan's direction.

"Hannan! Don't talk to her like that, she's still in shock! I know you don't care what happens to Father but that doesn't change the fact that Maryam loved him! Can't you be considerate for once in your life?!"

"Of course, I can be considerate. I'm just not considerate for useless excuses for human beings who treat their children like garbage and I won't let my sister be either!"

" Please can you guys not do this in front of Maryam? She has gone through enough for one day!" Khairat yelled, shutting down the argument.

"I'm going to go get a snack," Almirah said.

Hannan snorts.

"Make sure it's just a snack and not the whole vending machine."

"Hannan!"

If Maryam had been in a more conscious state, she might've noticed the tears rolling down her oldest Sister's face and comforted her like she always did. Almirah left the room and didn't plan to return for the rest of the night.

"Do you always have to be so insensitive and cruel to your sister?" Khairat asked.

Hannan's eyes had a flash of regret and sadness, but it was fleeting and she looked away with a hiss.

"Tch. It's not my fault she's sensitive about the truth. You'd think living with the old man would've gotten rid of that."

"I understand that lashing out is your defence mechanism, but for the sake of our HOSPITALIZED sister, could you please just shut up?"

Hannan rolled her eyes and went to the bathroom.

Maryam still stared blankly at the ceiling, little by little she began to register all they were saying, the thoughts she tried to tame grew wild once more, and her mantra was slowly losing its effect.

"Don't cry. Papa hates when you cry"

" You look like Father's puppet."

" Why couldn't you have been born a boy?"

"Don't cry. Don't cry Don't cry don't cry Don't cry don't-"

"fat pig."

"disappointment"

"Make it stop, please make it stop."

Maryam couldn't repeat her mantra anymore, her mind was too loud. Her heart was racing, her head hurt, her chest felt tight, and the air was too heavy. She didn't realize she was having a panic attack until her chest began to burn, triggering her asthma.

She looked around and spotted Khairat studying. She tried to call out but her voice was barely a whisper. Her throat had already closed in.

Feeling around for the emergency button, she threw it down by accident. The noise alerted Khairat that something was wrong. She flung her book and ran to her side.

Khairat realized Maryam was having a panic attack and an asthma attack simultaneously. She began yelling for a doctor.

Hearing the ruckus Hannan came out with worry written all over her face. The doctors rushed in and ushered the sisters out so they could stabilize Maryam.

After a while, they managed to get her breathing under control and sedated her heavily so she could rest. Outside the room, all three sisters sat together, silently praying for Maryam's recovery.

Though they each had their differences and had never particularly gotten along, Maryam was the one thing they could always call a truce over.

Sometime later, the doctor comes out and approaches the sisters. Almirah gets up immediately and rushes to him.

"Doctor, how is our sister doing?"

"She's stable for now and out of mortal danger."

All three sisters visibly relaxed at that, but Khairat noticed the expression on the doctor's face and knew there was more to it.

"And?" She urged.

"It seems as though Maryam has been subjected to a dangerous amount of drug abuse, specifically drugs for increasing testosterone levels in the blood."

Hannan's blood ran cold yet was boiling with rage at the same time. Her knuckles became white from how hard she was clenching her fists and she was close to drawing blood from her palms.

" Exposure to these drugs has made her more resistant to sedatives and other treatments and has forced us to use a stronger dosage than normally allowed for children her age. We'd like to run further tests on her to see if any damage has been done to her so we know how to proceed. I do recommend she see a psychiatrist after release as well."

All three sisters had dark expressions, Almirah was barely holding back her tears, so Khairat had to speak up for her.

"Thank you, doctor, please do whatever is necessary to help our sister."

"I will Ms. Ardal."

I'm scared.

Maryam was walking through the hallway of her house towards the living room. It's a weekend and her father was home, which meant they were to watch a movie together.

She got to the room and saw that her Father had already begun the movie without her as usual. She quietly shuffled over and sat beside him. She noticed that he hadn't acknowledged her presence like he usually did.

When she looked at him, she realized he was bleeding. She panicked and tried to suppress the blood but a battered and bloody hand stopped her.

She looked up to her Father's menacingly green eyes staring down at her, filled with a mixture of affection and hate, a combo he showed to her often, yet she never understood why.

"You're a disgrace. I already have Martha, of what use do I have for you? If you couldn't have been a boy, why couldn't you at least be like Martha? All you ever do is fail and remind me that THAT woman gave birth to you! If you were at least strong enough to join the military, maybe you could've been a tolerable burden."

Tears filled her eyes as her father pushed her back, she landed at the back of the car, he father behind the wheel driving her to Capoeira practice.

"Your teacher told me that a contest will be held today. Do well to not be a disappointment."

She nodded meekly and looked out the window. Everything was a blur, all except a girl who seemed to be her age that seemed to moving in sync with them yet also not moving at all. She tried to get a closer look but her father's cursing drew her attention.

She couldn't sre the car which was speeding towards them. All she knew was that it was going to hit them if it didn't slow down. Just as the car was about to ...

"....Maryam! Maryam wake up, it's not real!"

Maryam snapped her eyes open, she could feel the wetness on her cheek. Her mind and heart racing at light's speed. Her breathing was erratic and she couldn't stop the flow of tears.

"Don't cry, Papa hates it when you cry. Don't cry, Papa hates it when you cry."

Her mind began to grow silent, her breathing calmed, her eyes grew dim and the tears stopped. She repeated her mantra a few more times before looking up at her sister whose grip on her shoulders was still firm.

She sat up on the bed and looked around. Her sisters were all together with looks of relief on their faces.

"It's okay Maryam, he's not here anymore, Mr Kassim has agreed to take us in and we're going to sell the house, get a smaller one and we'll start over together, as a-"

"I want to join the Marines."

Almirah stopped mid-sentence, her mouth slightly agape. Khairat shook her head but said nothing, while Hannan stood up and left. They didn't like what she'd said.

But it didn't matter. Her mind was made up, she'd join the military, but she wouldn't join the Navy as her father had wanted. She'd joined the Marines and built herself without her father's influence. She'd become a daughter he could be proud of. She'd become better than Martha.

" I'll get stronger, I'll fight, I'll dress more boyish, I'll take note pills, I'll do whatever I have to join the military, I will make you love me more than Martha Papa, I promise."