6. lihim
— secrets; the act of keeping something to oneself.

---

7:36 p.m. NIGHT #6.

---

NOAH

"Aish. You can't keep running away forever, Noah!" My aunt shouted as I slammed the door of her small home, hastily pulling the hood of my jacket over my shoulders and stuffing my hands inside my pockets.

I huffed out angrily, walking briskly away from Kuramae Street and hoping that the night — that the moon and everything etched in the sky — would come crashing down and engulf me whole.

But wishes to the moon weren't enough these days.

With a shake of my head, I tried to ignore the glass windows of the line of shops that I passed down on the street; tried to ignore my worn-out reflection shown in the mirrors: the image of a tired teenage boy that just wanted everything to end. Permanently this time.

Maybe I could use the gold locket I was wearing and wring it around my neck until I was breathless and lifeless on the ground. I thought bitterly as I saw myself through my peripheral vision.

It was the image of myself at day, a character that was miles different from the Noah I was at night.

With my hunched shoulders and angry strides, I then turned to a busy street — thrusting myself into the melting pot of people that walked into different directions; shoulder to shoulder, chaotic conversations that flung from one space to another.

Despite the noise and blinding neon lights, I couldn't seem to shake the traumatic episodes I've had earlier that day; the nightmares I'd woken up to from sleeping for 12 hours straight during daytime — having no time to even comb my hair, eat a meal, or take a shower.

These nightmares had included the worst of the worst, the demons that I have been trying to wring out of my mind.

But they just wouldn't stop. My past couldn't stop chasing me, clawing me when I was awake — images of flashing blue and red light, the crash of glass, and the spill of blood on the rough asphalt, all gnawed at my thoughts; sinking me further.

It wasn't my fault. I have tried to convince myself that lone sentence for the past three months. But after endless days of sleeping and hiding, I've slowly come to the conclusion that perhaps it was indeed my fault. The entirety of it.

Before I could completely lose my mind from all the thinking, I recklessly ran across the street, passing the pedestrian lane despite the trailblaze of cars that rushed by. Immediately, the vehicles went into a frenzy of beeps, angered by my intrusion.

It sounded similar to the brutal, rock music I've grown to love back in the days — chaotic and angry, reckless and resentful.

Beep, beep! The vehicles sung in seething chorus.

But I didn't care. In fact, being hit by a car is a thought that would be more than welcome to happen to me right now.

Beep! Beep! Beep!

By the time I had reached the other side and unfortunately survived the Tokyo night rush without a scratch, I was panting heavily — hands cold, clammy, and shaking; lips feeling numb.

"NOAH! Are you out of your mind?!" A familiar voice exclaimed out of nowhere, and soon, the image of Yuuki had appeared before me.

She had grabbed me both my shoulders, staring at me with wide, horrified, dark eyes that searched my face frantically in worry.

But even the appearance of the girl who had kept me at bay for the past five nights was not enough to make me snap out of it.

"Why are you here? Again?" I muttered, the tone sounding colder than I intended it to.

Clearly, it had taken Yuuki aback, making her blink profusely and knitting her eyebrows together in confusion.

"I was heading towards the convenience store and saw you crossing the street like a mad man!" She scolded. "Noah, I thought we were going to meet up tonig—"

"You know what? Just leave me alone." I grumbled, slapping her hands from me before walking away. For the past three months, I had been lonely, irritated, angered, confused, and devastated — but even more so on this very damn night that must have been the amalgamation of having three nightmare episodes earlier that day.

I no longer have the energy to try to fall in love with the city lights and convince myself I was doing well at night. I no longer have the drive to chase meaningless adventures and count those passing by, or make up melodies in my head using the different sounds of Tokyo. I no longer have the urge to spend my nights with a total stranger, no matter how intriguing they may be. I no longe—

"Noah, you're shaking from the cold. We have to get you inside." Yuuki stubbornly called out, following me through the sea of people despite my ministrations.

I let out a sound that was a mix of frustration and embarrassment. I didn't want her pity or her citizen-like concern, even though the latter was what drove me to even converse with her in the first place. I didn't want to make her feel like I'm a burden that should be taken care of. Most of all, I didn't want her to see me like this — at my very lowest and hitting rock bottom.

"I said to leave me alone! I thought you understood English." I snapped back, trying to walk faster. My eyes were bloodshot and my face was dark under my hood. It was a condition that I didn't want Yuuki to see in its entirety. Besides, this had been my secret for quite some time now, and I wasn't ready for anyone to see me in my most vulnerable state just yet. And so I tried to further the gap between us with every step I took — pacing, then shuffling, sprinting, and eventually, running.

"Noah!" Yuuki cried out as I ran, muttering a flimsy "gomen nasai!" to the people who had I pushed away in my attempt to escape.

"Noah, I am not leaving you alone for Kami's sake! Just breathe for a moment!" Yuuki argued as I turned to a quieter corner, hoping to lose her.

But the act seemed to be fruitless as the girl had finally caught up to me, grabbing me by the arm and pulling me towards her.

"NOAH!" She reprimanded me sharply. Her grip on me was tight, and I finally looked up to see the firmness in her gaze.

"You're not thinking straight. We need to get you inside and let you calm down." Yuuki said firmly, but I merely let out a dry laugh that seemed to have offended her.

"I don't need the concern of a stranger, Yuuki." I spat out, my mind in a haze. For a moment, there was a flicker of hurt in her eyes, but my stupid mouth kept on going like a shotgun that was far worse than a drunkard's chattiness. "I don't need to add you to the list of people in my life telling me what to or not to do. My aunt, who had been trying to pull myself together is more than enough, thank you. Besides, you really think that after a few meet-ups we're suddenly chummies and you have the right to pity m—"

"I do not pity you!" Her cheeks flared up in anger, causing the one or two passersby on that quieter street, to glance towards us.

I scoffed sarcastically. "I can see it. Right there, in your fucking stare." I hissed back in accusation. "I see it in my aunt, I see it in my relatives, I see it in the police officers, I see it in my friends, classmates, colleagues, neighbors, strangers—I see it in everyone, and I see it in you."

I took a sharp intake of breath, closing my eyes before taking a deep exhale. "I know I look pitiful. I know I look like a piece of shit — like a stoner or a drop-out, or a sore loser wandering alone like a missing child — you name it. But I don't need your pity. You don't know me enough to tell me I'm out of my mind, that I need to calm down, and all the other bullshit people have been telling me for the past three months. You don't know me, Yuuki. So stop acting like you do!" I said angrily.

The last sentence from me was meant to be helpless and telling, but there was a tinge of pleading in my tone that made my lips quiver. But the damage had been done, and Yuuki's jaw clenched tightly; as if trying to hold back. There was a stiffness inflicted on her own body, and I realized that I had balled my hands into tight fists.

For a moment, we stared at one another; the anger lingering in the air where we stood.

She was the first to break off the silence.

"My apologies if my genuine concern for you looked like pity." She spat out, inciting another scoff of disbelief from me. I was about to snap back in retaliation, but she had beat me to it.

"But you know what? You're right." She nodded defiantly, taking one step forward as I stared back at her. Her dark irises were flashing, and she raised her chin in an attempt to hide her hurt.

"I do not know you." Her tone was quiet but harsh, and the way she spoke made me blink in tremble. I was nothing but a mere seventeen-year-old boy after all, trying to act tough, lashing out my anger to anyone who was feeble enough to care.

By the time realization washed over my face like a cold bucket of ice water, it was now too late. I had completely fucked it up.

"I do not know you at all." She repeated, sounding more devastated than angry this time. And with one last look, Yuuki turned around and walked away, wiping tears that seemed to have fallen by the time she had turned her back on me.

My heart instantly dropped. Guilt soon came all over me like the tide that swept me back at my home country. I tried to open my mouth, wanting to shout and tell her to come back — beg her to stay — but nothing had come out of it. My eyes simply just watched her step away, until her figure was nothing but a dot, nothing but a blur amongst the crowd.

There was a sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach that hit harder than any car crash could ever. I had let the nightmarish version of myself during the day, plague whatever peace I have left at night.

I've reached a new all-time low.

And once more, I had become the source of another ruin apart from my parents. The ruin of tonight.