The feeling of coldness, the kind that sends shivers all over your body by breaking your comfortable temperature, was enough to bring doubts onto my mind as to what I was actually doing in that bathroom that day.

Though the doubts weren't enough to make me rethink it and stop that madness, I kept the cold blade on my wrist.

The cold coming from the metallic object prompted a scent through my nostrils. A metallic smell, but it couldn't be from the blade, too far from my nose's reach. It was the smell of blood, though there wasn't any. Yet, that is.

Gone was the coldness now. The blade was overwhelmed by my body's temperature, and its metallic menace was vanished. Still, my heart was racing, faster than ever, and my hands were sweating, and my eyes didn't want to blink.

One little pressure of my hand on that blade, on my wrist, and it would all be over. No more heartaches, no more anxiety, no more sadness.

I raised the blade away from my wrist, suddenly I felt warm. I reached the point of my wrist where I could see the blue, purplish vein. If I looked closely at it, I could even see it pulsating. Pulsating fast. I lay the blade right on that point. Was it possible that it already hurt, just laying it there?

Now all I had to do was take a deep breath (or maybe not take any) and apply a little pressure. The rest would fall right in line, wouldn't it?

I did take a deep breath, but it didn't reach its climax. I don't remember the last time I took a proper deep breath. So I had to yawn. Yawn hard. Tears forming into my eyes from the yawning, so now I couldn't see the blade I was holding into my hand to my wrist. Good.

I flexed the muscle of my right arm, the one I was supposed to apply pressure from. I quickly thought about all that work out I'd been doing at home. How I reached the point where if I flexed, I could actually see something.

All for nothing, though. Still as miserable as I was before. Feeling good is just a momentary distraction from the guaranteed misery of our lives.

Just. a. little. pressure. That's all.

Another deep breath. Failed. Didn't even bother to yawn, this time.

I did apply pressure, yes, but only for a millisecond and by mistake, when I jumped after three rapid knocks on the door. "Pete, are you in there?" my mom shouted.

It was like waking up from a dream, or maybe a nightmare, and taking control back over your life. I quickly put the blade back to its place, as the knocks on the door became insistent. I stood up and unlocked the door, my mom entering quickly followed.

"What are you doing in here?" she said.

"Nothing," I mumbled, head down, as if ashamed of what she stopped me from almost doing.

"Pete, what is it with you?" she suddenly asked.

I raised my head to look at her. "What do you mean?" I was surprised by how deep my voice sounded.

"You're always so sad-looking," she said, "you never smile."

"Please," I said, walking towards my room.

"If something's wrong," she said, looking down, sounding distant, "you can tell me."

"Okay," I said, before I locked myself back in my room.

• — • — • — • — • — • — • — •

"You know, I think you should go for it," Belle said over the phone.

"Go for it?"

"Yeah, it's what you've been waiting for, Pete," she explained, "your mom is finally opening her barriers. I think you should go ahead and tell her what's wrong."

"But, Belle, I know my mom. And I know the way she acts. If I start telling her about the anxiety and everything else, she won't take it seriously."

"Pete, think about. She said you could talk to her. What would be the point of asking you to talk to her, and then not taking you seriously?"

I sighed. "You make a valid point." The phone vibrated for an incoming call from Evelyn. "Hey, I have a call."

"Okay, Pete," the blonde one said, "later."

"Thank you, Belle," I said. "It always feels like I don't thank you enough."

"But you don't have to thank me at all," she said.

I smiled. "Avsama."

"Hey," she said with an uncharacteristic off tone.

"Listen, you were right," I said, "I... I lost my mind. Honestly, these past few days, they've been... man. But I see what you told me. It was shitty behavior at its worst. And for that I'm sorry."

"Well, why are you apologizing to me?" she asked.

"Because you sounded pretty mad earlier today," I said.

"I wasn't mad," she explained, " I was just scared. Scared of being wrong and disappointed."

"You're not wrong. I am different from everyone else. That much I can tell you."

"I can never know that for sure," she said.

"You can," I said, "when we'll meet. I'll prove it to you."

"If we meet," she corrected me.

"No," I insisted, "when we meet. Because I know we will, and it'll be the best day of both of our lives. And we'll be happy and we'll be able to act like a normal couple, eat ice cream together, go around hand in hand, kissing in the middle of the street, not caring about what everyone else thinks. We'll take pictures together and post them online, so we'll stick it to all the stupid doubters and haters."

"Oh, Avsam," she sighed, "how it feels good to dream."

"It's not a dream," I said, "it's a spoiler. We'll meet, one day. End of story."

"Okay, Avsam. I believe you. I believe in us."

"Do you want to watch a movie with me?" I asked her.

"Of course I do, honey."

• — • — • — • — • — • — • — •

As we watched Spider-Man 2 for the third time together, and her texts kept coming, for she was into the movie as much as she was the first and second time, I realized how grateful I was for my mom unwittingly saving me.

I realized how wrong what I was about to do was. Because in hard times we tend to focus on all the dark places of our life, and we forget all the bright ones.

I was so lucky to have her. Even if she was 404 miles away, I was so lucky to have found someone who loved me no matter what.

– Avsama?

– that's me

– I really do love you, you know that. Right?

– i love you more avsam.

And right in that moment, my bedroom's door opened, revealing a worried Andrew Hook.

I took my headphones off. I was tempted to pause the movie, but Evelyn and I had put so much effort into playing it in sync, so I just let it play.

"Andrew? What are you doing here?"

"I came by to see if you wanted to go out," he said.

I mumbled nonsense, trying to formulate a thought. Why come to my house just like that? Couldn't he have texted me? I was already in my pajamas anyway.

"Do you?" he asked.

"Well, I..." still couldn't find a good thought, "I would, but, uh— see, I'm in my pj's. So that— I really wasn't expecting you."

"Ah, come on, put on something and come out," he insisted, "you're here doing nothing."

Well, I was watching a movie with my girlfriend via text, but try to explain that to a shithead like him. "Uh, I mean, nah, I don't really— feel like going out."

"Come on, why not?" he said.

Meanwhile, my phone was flooded with texts from Evelyn.

– haha love this part

– uh wow

– say smthng

– avsam are you there

– heyyy

– :(

I thought there was no choice but tell her the truth, so I quickly typed: "Andrew's here. Came uninvited. Telling him to go. Don't pause the movie, it's still playing."

"Listen, Andrew," I sighed, "I'm kind of in the middle of something here, so..."

"Yeah, sure," he smirked, "in the middle of fapping? Come on, Pete."

"No, really," I said, getting frustrated, "there's no point in staying here. I'm not going out right now. Sorry."

"Jesus," he said, "alright." And he left my room, slamming the door behind him.

I put my headphones back on, only to realize that the credits were rolling.

– Aw man. Sorry I missed the ending. That dumbass came by without telling.

– what did he want

– He insisted I go out with him. Like, right now. Just because.

– he's texting me on facebook

– What?!

– he is. wait.

As soon as that text came in, there was an incoming call from her. "Avsama, what is this all about?"

"He wrote to me 'hi, Evelyn. I'm Andrew, Peter probably told you about me'."

"The nerve on this guy," I said.

"Yeah, but you did tell me about him," she said, "a lot."

"Yeah," I stressed, "but was anything I told you about him ever positive? He probably thinks I told you a lot of great stuff about him."

"He asked me what is up with you lately," she said.

"What is that supposed to mean," I said, "ask him what he means."

"Way ahead of you, Avsam. He said he thought you were finally cool but instead you're still a nerd."

I sighed. "I can't believe this idiot."

"Look. 'He spends all his time on the computer and never goes out. I'm in front of his house right now, I asked him to go out, he said no.'" She reported.

"Jesus, what a dumbass," I said.

"I told him we were watching a movie," she said, "and also that it's impolite to show up at one's house uninvited."

"Good," I said.

"You know, my friend Angela used to do that all the time. Then one day, I made her wait forty minutes downstairs as I prepared to go out. Since then, she always asked before coming over."

"Yeah, great, but I can't do that," I said.

"You won't need to, he said 'Okay, I understand. But still, he's such a loser. He never wants to go out.'" she reported. "Avsam, I think you should cut him off."

"You mean, I should stop talking to him? But Avsama, we go to the same school..."

"Who cares? There's plenty of people at school," she said. "Look, you clearly don't like each other. Not anymore, at least. So what's the point in still pretending to be friends?"

"You might be right," I said.

"I am right," she said, "that's why I wrote to him 'don't you see that he doesn't want to be your friend anymore? Go to someone else and leave him alone'."

I chuckled. "Well, you basically did this for me. You could've waited a second."

"There's nothing to wait for, Avsam," she said. "Let him go."

And right in that moment, I got a message on Facebook from Andrew. "Hey, next time instead of mumbling like an idiot, say things to my face. Don't send in your girlfriend."

I sighed before I referred to Evelyn. "This guy's a real idiot," she said, "how did you stay friends with him this long?"

"He wasn't always like this," I said, as I was writing my reply to him:

"I didn't send anyone, you're the one who contacted her. And, well, it is what it is. Bye bye."

Still, I felt like I needed to apologize. I'm sorry for treating you like you treated me. Though, don't take my apologies the wrong way. I don't want to be friends with you. You can fuck off. Yeah. That'd be a great conversation.

"Well, thank you, I guess, Avsama," I said.

"You're very welcome," she said, "maybe now things will get better. Less cancerous people in your life."

"Yeah, maybe," I said, but couldn't say anything more, as I was interrupted by the sudden reopening of my bedroom's door. This time, though, it was my mom.

"Why did Andrew come and leave so quickly?" She asked.

"I'll call you back," I whispered to the phone and quickly hung up the call with Evelyn. "Mom, can you sit down?"

"Why?" she asked.

"Please?"

"Okay..." She sat right next to me on the bed.

I sighed. "Well. Mom. Sometimes... I can't breathe."

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