It's like- almost 12:30 A.M. and I'm just sitting here in bed, pondering over things.

I'm just wondering if this time last year- if it was raining. And was I depressed?

I mean I still feel like crap from time to time, but I guess my feelings are either numbed or raw at this point, since I don't care what people say to me- even though I strongly appreciate kind words.

Since they boost my confidence for a few minutes-

Since I have literally no confidence.

Heeeeeck I'm just kinda rambling since I'm failing to sleep despite being dead tired.

Plus, this is really pretty so. It reminds me of the time I learned it on piano several years ago. I still go back and play it from time to time- since the song holds a special meaning to me.

ANYWAYS...

I just know, this time last year, I most likely felt like a load of crap. I was looking back at April in my journal from last year, and not only was I down in the dumps, I also wanted to attempt to "better" myself. To be a better friend.

Wait I actually have friends

Literally 4 close friends <3 (You know who you are~ T- J- Ch- S-)

I guess I'll never know if I did that- I suck when it comes to loving and caring for people. At least, I think I must, despite my constant efforts to attempt to remain friends with the few humans I love in this world.

Truth be told, I think I've become more of a failure the past year, since I've broken several of my own rules.

Aaaa on May 1st, it will have been exactly a year since I published the first chapter to Loner.

I know 16k, for a year, probably isn't much to some people, but writing Loner- honestly helped me cope through the summer.

16k means the world to me.

All during that time I was writing it, I felt alone and trapped. I constantly pushed myself to get somewhere with my life, but it was like I was the dog at the end of a leash- wearing a chain collar. I could more forward, but in the end, I'm back where I started, only a little hurt.

I wanted so so so desperately to get close to some people, but I was scared. Like I've always told myself- "Don't allow yourself to get close to anyone. Every greeting will come to an end. No matter what, partings are bound to come. One minute or twenty years, it doesn't matter. Good things never last, so don't waste your time getting hurt from them."

Perhaps that is why I grew to love the song "Life is Only Full of Goodbyes".

Writing was a good escape for me during "rough times", I suppose. It allowed me to just vent out my soul for hours on end. I have to say, I am grateful for that.

I'm not sure if I've ever said this on Wattpad, but I am sure I have said such in my journal.

Whenever people say they enjoy the wreck of this fan fiction called "Loner" I cringe- just a little, because it's almost like they're saying they love me. I understand that that's clearly not what they're saying to me, but it's just how I feel.

I don't see how anyone could ever love filth like me.

What is love?
What is hope?
Trust?
Knowing you'll be safe with someone one day, just appreciating the fact that they will always love you, no matter what?

I don't know if I'll ever know those things.

Surely, I might understand them one day. But honestly, I think I'm blind to other people's feelings. That's what my sister likes to tell me.

Aaa then again, she also says I'm not socially acceptable and that I should die. That's true, of course.

I'm rambling way too much and i know for a f a c t that none of this even matches together. Nothing is gonna flow.

But Loner didn't flow
It was a storm~

Ew that made me gag

Smh anyways, as I continue to listen to 6 hours of classical music like the loser I am, just know

I think you're special
And you deserve each and every breath of air you're taking in

And I love you

Very much

Okay goodnight, friends~

Also I know it's not May 1st yet, so chill out

I'm just tired, can't sleep, and I probably will forget to do this "one year speech" later on this week.

So screw it