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Hoping that the dusk arrives, for the dawn is a little too bright for me.

The clock reads 2 am. Dark outside the window, darker here in his room, the darkest inside his heart.

As the weight of his fiancé shuffles on his chest, the weight inside of his chest only deepens. More and more such that he feels he is being strangled by the arms that wrapped around him. The arms that are supposed to provide warmth— give burns; they always do, but tonight more than ever.

Water. He needs water. Maybe that is what will tone down the irreversible lacerations tearing from his throat to heart. Water.

Quietly unlocks the unyielding arms with a slight wince when he accidentally knocks his phone off the nightstand trying not to fumble in the bed too much. He quickly pockets the device into his sweats before tiptoeing out of the cursed room, but not before a lingering look at one last thing. The suit.

The suit that hung all pristine and immaculate as if it ever received the deference it deserved. Any other day, he would've laughed mockingly with a head shake; that's what he has done for the past three months since the date was decided by his fiancé.

But now that it's here, in a few hours, there's no laughter, not even a trace. However there's no sadness either. Jungkook is just... empty. Numb.

For a small while where only sounds were the sluggish gulps of the water he chugged, an interruption ensues by the buzz of his phone against his pocket. 2:10 am— he glances at the clock and frowns. Who could be calling at this hour?

Only within the time of his two second thought, the phone stops vibrating. Fishing it out while still sipping on the water, his frown engraves deeper when it's an unknown number.
A second later it's vibrating again, the same unknown number and he is only giving it a short glance in case it looks familiar but then stops ringing again in a second.

"Who the fuck?" He mumbles opening the logs to check but it then starts vibrating again and determined to not miss it this time, he answers immediately.
"Who is this?" It comes out so harsh that he bites his tongue immediately.

"Um... I.."

That's all the person on the other line needed to say for Jungkook's bottle to leave the grip of his now shivery hand and plunge on the floor, water distill out on the invaluable cypress hardwood flooring.

However, more devastated than the fate of the water was Jungkook, who felt the ground move beneath his clammy feet.

This voice. After six whole years, this voice. Six years ago the person owning this voice could merely sigh and Jungkook can within minutes write a thesis on what kind of day he had, he knew him like that.
Perhaps, he still can.

Because there was just one coherent word by that voice and Jungkook knew that the person.. the person.. was either very drunk or had cried... or both.

"T-taehyung?" He doesn't even know how his throat mustered a courage to let something out because sure as hell if he was numb before, he was deadened now.

"H-hi, uh.. I.. I'm s-sorry I'll just hang up..d-don't know what I w-was thinking-"

"No!" He white knuckled his grip on the kitchen slab. "D-don't.. hang u-up.. please." says back in an urgency and there's almost a sting of something behind his eyelids.

"Okay." Taehyung whispers back. His voice has changed over the years, sounding a little more despaired, a little more sombre. He just hopes it's because of aging, he knows it's not.
"I j-just... I uh.. heard you're g-getting married. W-wanted to know that i-if that's t-true? Uh..yeah."

Jungkook's eyes shut themselves, the almost sting now a slight seepage of warm liquid in his orbs. There's a deep sigh he lets out to keep himself at bay, to not draw suspicion from his fiancé sleeping in the bedroom despite being a thin chance because of his deep sleeping habits.

His sigh however had answered Taehyung's question, they just know each other like that. Six years of no contact changed a hell lot, but at least not this one thing.

All Jungkook heard was it all go eerily silent before a sob ripples through the phone for a second and then gets muffled into nothingness as if it never came.

"P-please Tae... p-please don't cry.. not for me.. anymore." Oh how ironic that request when a tear of his own leaks out and descends down the length of his cheek. But it's okay if he does it, because apparently he deserves it?

"Pfft. I'm n-not." There's an empty chuckle before sniffling. "I j-just I wish you all g-good things in l-life Jungkook I r-really d-do. That's all."

"D-don't hang up, Taehyung!" He let out immediately. It is unreal it's him on the verge of completely undulating in blubber, especially for the fiancé inside who has barely witnessed any unadulterated emotions like such.
"Curse me, yell at me, say the worst things... j-just don't h-hang up. A f-few minutes, please don't hang up."

Taehyung on the other side, lets himself go. He doesn't muffle his grief anymore, he cannot when Jungkook doesn't. "I really am happy that you've found t-the one.. But-" he pauses abruptly as if holding himself back.

Jungkook knows the 'but', he thinks about it more than he'd like to accept.
"But i-it's s-so unfair to me, Jungkook." He speaks with the smallest voice although the same words were heard before they were ever let out.

Jungkook sobs harder. A guilt that has eaten him for years gnaws again, as it shall for the years to come till he breathes his last breath.

"I w-was supposed to be the happy one first! I'm s-so envious of you!" There's no holding back in his voice anymore and Jungkook is glad there isn't because Taehyung deserves to let it out.
"I was the loyal one! I-I was the one who kept promises! I was the one who loved more! I was the v-virtous one!" He sobs so hard that Jungkook felt his loud breath seep through the receiver and draft into his ear.

"And l-look at me now! I can't f-fall in l-love because I'm scared .... I c-can't have a best friend b-because I'm scared... I'm in a relationship that I'm not even present for, because I'm fucking scared! I can't t-trust anyone because—.."

Jungkook puts a hand over his mouth and squeezes his eyes shut.
"Why am I so pathetic, Jungkook? Its been six years! I'm so pathetically hung up on that night!"

"I-I'm sor-"

"I know bun, I-I know you're sorry. You've c-cried s-so much over it! And I f-forgave you l-long back b-but I cannot help but..." he sniffles loud.
"You were m-my Sun, and then, not only did the daylight got taken away.. I s-still h-have n-nothing to r-revolve a-around. I'm s-so angry at myself!"

Fourteen years is a long time to be best friends for — eight years is a long time to be in love with — six years is not long enough to get over it.
Not for Taehyung... Sadly not for Jungkook either.... Maybe not for Jimin either.

"W-why did you have t-to do that, w-why? Why Jimin out of everyone?"

Jungkook's sobs aren't silent now, they are rambunctious but erroneously subdued into the palm that is pressed on the mouth.

That night... that fucking night when Taehyung and Jungkook had fought for hours on end, yelling things they'd never mean in a million years, each trying to top the other's hurtful words with their own; but suddenly it went dead silent when the last of it was Taehyung walking out with the claim how he 'regrets ever being in a relationship with him'.

"I sometimes w-wonder if you s-still think-k about us too?" He sniffles with voice turning heavier than ever.

"All t-"

"Actually n-no! Don't answer that. I don't think I could take any of the a-answers be it y-yes or no." He sobs just as loud as the other who now falls to his knees in the puddle of water spilled on the floor.

"H-how's J-jimin? Does h-he miss me too?"

"I d-don't know where he..."

"Oh." He sniffles and lets out a dry chuckle again.  "L-look at me ruining y-your big day. T-that's what I do best. Ruin t-things. Anyways, is your f-fiancé.. are they k-keeping you happy?" He sighs again.
"Do they l-love you as much as I did?"

Slowly loosing the strength in his knees Jungkook finds himself drooping sideways to lay down on the floor, not giving one care how the water now mingles with slivers of his own tears, seeps through his nightwear.

"No, wait! Don't a-answer that too, I wouldn't be able to take a-any of the answers." His voice breaks and it feels like it's taking every bit of him to hold back.

That night. After an hour of burning alone in unrepentant rage that night, Jungkook noticed how Taehyung's phone that he left behind had been blowing off continuously so he took the liberty to answer it. It was a crying Jimin going through conundrums of his own bad day.

He called him over, not expecting but ambivalently glad that he brought along the strongest stash for them to get high on and smoke the problems away.
He doesn't remember anything other than being jolted awake by a horridly worried Jimin being as naked as himself.

A part of Jungkook died that morning because even though they didn't remember a thing, they just knew what they had done— however the entirety of him, his soul, his dignity, his self-love died when, dropped by the bedroom door, he saw a bouquet of roses and his favourite cake.

Taehyung was there. Taehyung saw.

"I hope you'll be keeping your p-promise, bun." Taehyung spoke so low on the phone like he only expects a negative retort to it.
Little does he know Jungkook is living by it, the only thing that is culminating his fate in a few hours is that one fucking promise.

"I h-have been... a-always" Jungkook says through his tears, softly tapping his head on the floor understanding how his subconscious was telling him the entire day something like this would happen, he could never be prepared.

Taehyung was his Blue Moon. That's what he titled his paintings of Taehyung back when he used to draw. So compliant in his arms, yet so solid with his own when holding Jungkook— he chose him, the shy jock, basked him in self reflection, told him how wonderful he was and moulded him into who he is today.

Jungkook was Taehyung's Sun. That's what he titled every poetry about Jungkook back when he used to write. So compliant in his arms, yet so solid with his own when holding Taehyung— he chose him, the rude nerd, pulled him out of his consuming addictions, taught him to live and moulded him into who he is today.

Both the most beautiful celestial phenomenon, were well aware that there's no sort of eclipse where a Blue Moon and the Sun met.
Never.

"W-what would've happened i-if I had accepted you b-back?" Taehyung hesitantly stammered. If it wasn't for the alcohol, he wouldn't even had said it out loud to himself, let alone the one person he agonises over. 
"N-no no don't answer that either, sorry. T-there's no answer I could take f-for that."

Jungkook has thought this over a billion times, he and Jimin were at Taehyung's feet begging for forgiveness. Taehyung was aware how not in a billion years would they do that again, or anything near that; but there's a reason trust and glass are used in the same analogy.

And two days later when Taehyung was rushed to the ER for an overdose on the shit he had swore off, Jungkook just knew they didn't deserve this.
He himself didn't deserve the gratification of receiving the love of someone he broke so badly; Taehyung didn't deserve to waste his love on someone who swindled his heart even if under influence, that's no excuse.

So to answer Taehyung's question— yes, he would've spent his life and soul to make him happy... but no, Taehyung could not be happy living in constant fear in a relationship that has already once been jeopardised.

"Do you love him or her, bun? Do you l-love your fiancé... as much as you loved m-me?"

There's no doubt Jimin and him.. they loved Taehyung, pole apart the insinuation 'how'.. why else would them both move so far away from Taehyung physically and emotionally just so there's no ounce of reminder of his worst nightmare, just so Taehyung can live again.

Jungkook waits for Taehyung to take back his question, but he doesn't. He waits for the other to say something else, but he doesn't. He waits for him to stop crying... he doesn't.

"Tae... you w-wouldn't be able t-to take any of the answers."

Taehyung's breath hitches instantly because he knows what Jungkook means by that. He knows what he is trying to convey and he knows how absolutely wrong that is.

So without the hankering goodbye, Taehyung hangs up because even a second longer and he might be the one to make Jungkook break the promise.

The promise— 'whatever happens bun, don't break another heart. Some may never get repaired back.' The last sentence Taehyung had said to him. The only reason why Jungkook is where he is.

The reason why he couldn't say no when the wide smiled, twinkling eyed boy asked him for a date;
why he couldn't say no when the boy filled with admiration and adoration asked him to be his boyfriend;
why he couldn't say no when the same boy was on his knee only months later despite never receiving anything in return.

Life is unfair. It's assuredly, unequivocally, irrefutably, beyond the shadow of doubt, very unfair.

It's unfair to Taehyung who still struggles to let go of the past and yet doesn't want to relive it. Who still has an engraved fear of who is his own, and who isn't.

It's unfair to Jungkook who continues to punish himself even years later, and now was to enter a marriage because he thinks he has to. Because he thinks he deserves this.

It's unfair to Jimin whose conscience gnawed at his soul, his dignity to the point that he considered quitting his well settled life and fleeing the country as a better option.

It's unfair to Hoseok who hides behind the curtain and looks at his wailing fiancé clutching the phone to his chest with tears of his own. And even though he finally received the answer for who the mysterious name tattooed on Jungkook's chest is, a plethora of new questions swarm in him like a tornado.

It's unfair. Life's unfair.

====================================

I may not be in the best of my spirits irl, so you better be prepared for the writings a shade darker than they usually are.

Although I'm curious what you all think—
Is it fair to fixate on "once a cheater, always a cheater"?
(If no, how would you ever know if they would never fall into the same lane again?) - Random thoughts 101

Thank you for sparing your time.
Byeeeeee