The UNICEF show was amazing. I was actually in the audience, in the front row of general seating, not even in the VIP section. The boys knew where I was, and all made a point of noticing me and acknowledging me, a fact which didn't go unnoticed by the girls around me. Next to me was a beautiful Australian girl named Justine, who seemed really amazed by the fact that I was there alone. I tried not talking to her, and she seemed to understand that I didn't want to be friends, but after Matty came over, sat on the edge of the stage right in front of me, and sang the line, "You and I should run away together and never ever come back again", right to me, and finished it up with a wink and a smile, she turned to me and shouted, "Did you see that? Matty Campbell FANCIES you!" Then she turned to her friend and said something. Her friend looked at me and nodded.

"You're so lucky! I bet he asks for you to come backstage!" she said into my ear. "He's my favorite! That hair and those blue eyes! Oh my god, he's gorgeous, don't you think?"

I nodded. He certainly was that.

Things got really interesting after Gethin came to our side of the stage and played the most beautiful, soulful guitar solo during "Whispers", and I realized he'd incorporated some of the theme and melody line from my arrangement the day before; it was stunning and when he finished, he very clearly mouthed, "Thank you, love," and air kissed in my direction before walking away.

I was afraid to look in Justine's direction. She put a hand on my shoulder. "Oh my god, do you know the band?" she asked. I looked at her and shook my head with a confused look on my face. She continued, "Because that was Gethin Wren. Gethin Wren just played you a guitar solo and blew you a fucking kiss from onstage, you realize that, right?"

Jesus. I pulled out my phone, turned away from Justine and her inquisitive friend, and sent the boys a group text. "IGNORE ME FOR THE REST OF THE SHOW. THE GIRL NEXT TO ME IS GETTING REALLY SUSPICIOUS. BECAUSE OF YOU, MATTY. AND YOU, GETHIN." I hit send, and hoped they'd check their phones before Ronan decided to get comfortable in front of me by disrobing, or Teddy came over and said he wanted some ice cream or something.

I watched them after their song was over. Ronan checked his phone, and he motioned to the others to check theirs, too. They did, and they casually put their phones away and nonchalantly looked my way. Message received, thank god.

After a ten-minute video about children in Africa, which played half way through the show, the boys presented the UNICEF representative with a huge check onstage to deafening applause. The boys then spoke to the audience about how none of this would be possible without the support of the fans, and thanked them.

By the end of the show, everyone in the audience had screamed themselves hoarse, and many girls had been helped or even been carried out to first aid stations for hyperventilation or fainting. It really was what I imagined being at a Beatles concert would have been like.

At the end of the show, the boys came forward, arm in arm, Matty and Ronan with tear streaked cheeks, for their bows. The film crew captured it all, as they bowed and waved, and thanked Japan for being such a fabulous home away from home for the past few weeks. They thanked everyone involved with their tour, and they finished by doing their patented and much coveted UK Crush with a very lucky member of the audience, who cried at her incredible good luck.

After she sat back down, they hugged and kissed each other, grabbing each other by the neck and back of the head, real embraces from real brothers who wouldn't share a stage again for a while. They exited the stage arm in arm, and as everything went dark, security came to escort me backstage.

Justine smiled and waved goodbye to me. "Have fun!"

I turned around and smiled at her. "I'll try."

Backstage was such a zoo that the boys decided to just shower back at the hotel, and we went straight to the car and were back at the hotel half an hour after their final bows.

We showered, I put on my UK Crush nightie again, and we ordered up four Japanese seafood pizzas, which came with lobster, octopus, and caviar. Delicious. The boys had beer, I had wine, and we settled into our usual seating pattern to watch The Rock. The UNICEF show had started at 5:30, so it was barely 10:00, and the boys were wide awake, enjoying the post show high coupled with the buzz from the beer. Matty, our resident Scot, could do a perfect Sean Connery, and he kept us in stitches mimicking his lines. Part way through the movie, after Nicolas Cage and his team had landed on Alcatraz, I started sniffling. Teddy was up using the bathroom, and it was Gethin who noticed my imminent tears. He leaned forward and looked at my face. "Everything okay?" he questioned softly.

I nodded, and leaned back into the crook of his arm. This was literally the last movie night we would share, for who knew how long? What was I going to do without all of them? I turned my head into him and just let the tears come. Gethin, not knowing the cause or what to do, just put his other arm around me and held me, rubbing the top of my head with his cheek.

Teddy returned, took in the scene and said, "What the hell happened? We're not even up to the sad part yet. In fact, there is no sad part in this film." Ronan looked up and Matty looked over as Gethin shrugged and said, "I dunno, mate, Sean Connery was rolling through the flames and suddenly she was crying."

"Never mind, you guys," I said, sniffing. "It's just me being stupid."

"Hey, guys, maybe she's on her period again," Ronan said brightly. "Hasn't it been about a month?"

Actually, it had, but this was nothing to do with that. I kicked him gently with my bare foot. "Be quiet, Ronan, I'm just feeling a little verklempt," I said with another sniff.

"A little what?" he asked. I guess he wasn't a fan of Mike Myers and Coffee Talk.

"Come here, love," said Teddy, sitting down next to me.

"I'll take over," he said to Gethin, who relinquished me to him with a smile. I settled against Teddy, with his familiar smell, and sniffed again. Teddy helped me blow my nose, and murmured, "What's the matter? Mmm?"

I shrugged. By now, Sean Connery was delivering his famous line, "Welcome to the rock," and I smiled in spite of myself. "I'm just going to miss this so much."

"Well, I'll be with you," he said reasonably.

"But what about Ronan? And Matty? And Geth?" I asked. "We won't see them for months and months, right? Everything's going to change." I sighed, and just let the tears fall. "And you're right, I am going to see you all the time, I'm not going to see them forever." I turned out of his arms, lifted Gethin's arm and crawled under it, insinuating myself into his side.

"Whoa, hello, poppet," he said in surprise.

"In fact," I said, "I think I need to be over here." I lifted my leg over Gethin's thighs, straddling him for a moment.

He looked up at me, blinking. "Well, love, never thought I'd be in this position with you, though I must say, it's quite nice," he smiled, putting his hands on my waist.

"Just passing through," I said, lifting my other leg over. I wound up between Geth and Matty. I snuggled down, getting settled. "Ronan, come over here and sit by my feet, will you?"

"Sure," he said obligingly, and he scooted over to hug my calves and lean his head on my knee.

"Now I'm hurt," said Teddy in his little boy voice.

"You'll get over it," I said unfeelingly.

I spent the rest of the movie sitting between my three boys, half watching the movie and laughing at the funny lines ("How in the name of Zeus' butthole did you get out of your cell?"), and half just trying to enjoy the feeling of closeness with the three of them.

Eventually Gethin scooted over closer to Teddy and I moved over to make room for Matty to put his head in my lap, and I just played with his hair, wrapping the little curls around my fingers. Someone could have made a fortune if they could've figured out how to sell his hair as a pacifying, self calming agent, like those meridian balls that people rolled around in their hands. I think Matty actually fell asleep. I know I nearly did.

When the movie ended, we all wandered off to bed, leaving our interconnecting doors open and calling out random funny things for a good half hour after we'd turned our lights out.

*****************

I woke up sometime later, drenched in sweat, clawing my way up from a half remembered nightmare, left only with the feeling of endlessly falling from very high toward a stormy ocean, completely alone. It was a dream I'd had often in the months after my mother's death, a dream I thought I'd dealt with in grief counseling. I hadn't had it in nearly five years, and the fact that it was back terrified me. I sat up in bed, trying to remember the details and failing, remembering only that feeling of endless vertiginous falling, of having nothing to hold on to. I swallowed a sob and tried to calm my breathing, taking deep breaths, and took a swallow of water from the bottle next to the bed.

I finally got out of bed and went in search of Teddy. I walked quietly into the first bedroom, which was Matty's. I could see him, curly head silhouetted on the pillow, looking angelic in his sleep. Then was Gethin's room, where he lay covered only in a sheet, somehow looking masculine and sexy even in slumber. Next came Ronan, who looked in sleep like a little boy, dreaming of playing fetch with his dog.

At last I reached Teddy's room, shutting the door behind me and locking it. His room was dark; he'd pulled the curtains completely across, and all I could see was his mass of hair on the pillow. I pulled back his comforter and crawled into bed with him, hugging myself to his back.

He rolled over, half asleep still. "What?" he muttered. "Birdie? That you?"

"Yes," I whispered, unable to keep my teeth from chattering.

He pushed his hair out of his face and peered at me, trying to see my face. "What's wrong? What time is it?"

"I don't know. Late," I managed.

He pulled the cord on the drapery back a little, letting in a little of Tokyo's night time cityscape light.

He looked at me and pushed my hair behind my ear. "What's wrong? You're pale as a sheet, and you're drenched! What happened? You were fine at bedtime. Do you need a doctor? Is it those blasted cramps again?"

I shook my head. "I had a nightmare," I whispered. "I haven't had it in so long, and it scared me so much, I just didn't want to be alone, can I stay here with you for a little while?"

He wrapped me in his arms, tucked my damp head under his chin. "Of course, darling, of course. Do you want to talk about it?"

I shook my head. "I just wanted to be with you," I said, trying to control my chattering teeth, holding him tighter.

"Well, that you have, my love, that you have, but you're going to have to get out of this wet nightie and into something dry to even have a hope of getting back to sleep. Sit tight a tick, I'll get you something."

The bed shifted as he got out, and he returned a minute later on my side, placing something soft in my hands.

"Here you go, this should work, just leave the one you're wearing on the floor next to the bed," he said, returning to his side.

I pulled my sodden UK Crush shirt off and pulled on what he had given me, which looked in the dim light to be a Gryffindor T-shirt. I lay down and he pulled me into his arms right away, turning me so I faced him.

He hooked his leg over me, pulling me even closer, and started playing with the hair at the nape of my neck, which immediately started calming me down. My breathing slowed, and his slowed to match mine, each warm exhalation touching the top of my head. I closed my eyes, letting the remnants of my nightmare drift away.

A few times the feeling of falling toward the ocean jolted me and I flinched, but he was there to catch me, to whisper "Shh, shh, I'm right here," and stroke me, and eventually I settled against him, so that there wasn't any space between us.

I gradually became aware of something I'd only ever read about in books, or heard as the punch line of a thousand terrible jokes ("Is that a banana in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?") and I wasn't sure if I was supposed to do something, acknowledge it in some way, or if I was supposed to ignore it, or what? Was there some sort of etiquette in these situations? He didn't seem particularly concerned about hiding it; he just kept murmuring comforting words and sounds to me and making sure I was okay.

Eventually he tipped my chin up so he could look at my face. "Are you feeling better?" he asked, looking into my eyes.

"Yes," I answered, nodding. "Thank you so much for letting me stay. I don't know what I would have done."

He kissed my forehead. "My pleasure, honest. Please stay a little longer. Just spend the night, what's left of it. It's much nicer than sleeping alone." He put his arm back around me and pulled me closer.

"Um," I started.

"Yeah?"

"You're..." I had no idea how to finish the sentence. "Excited," was what I finally came up with.

"Yes, I am," he agreed. "Does that bother you?"

"Well, no, but doesn't it bother you?" I asked.

"No," he answered firmly. "Look. You know how attracted I am to you. You know how beautiful I think you are." He traced my cheek with his finger. "I'm a man. I have zero percent control over that particular thing happening when we're this close for this long. However, I'm a human being, so I have one hundred percent control over what I do about it, okay?

"Look at me, love, look at me." I looked up at him. "I have been taking care of business with my hand since I was thirteen years old, and I'm sure I'll continue to do so until I'm a hundred, disgusting as that image is," He laughed. "So stay with me, let's get some sleep, I'd love to see what you look like when you wake up in the morning, okay?"

"Okay," I nodded. He turned me around so we were back to front. He sniffed my hair and neck, kissing me softly, and whispered, "How is it that you can have a nightmare and wake up in a cold sweat and still smell so heavenly?" He kissed my scar, making me tingle, making me forget everything, making me want him so much.