"Birdie? We're home. Come on, let's go in and get you cleaned up." We were in the carport of a large two-story house with a small front yard, and from what I could see, a nice sized back yard. There seemed to be a wall all the way around the whole property, and we were going in through a side door that led into a kitchen area from the carport.

"I'll give you the tour later, when you're awake and feeling better. For now, I think you should just take a shower and get into bed, okay?" He looked at me.

I nodded. A shower and bed had never sounded so good. "Just point the way." He led me down a hallway to a bedroom. "This will be your bedroom while you're here, if it suits you," he said. "I had your clothes from the storage unit unpacked in here, but it's no problem to move them if you'd prefer another room. You can look around tomorrow and see if there's another room you like better."

"I'm sure this room's fine," I said. "And you know, it's a good thing you had all my stuff brought here, because all my other stuff was on the plane. If you hadn't done this, I wouldn't have anything to wear at all."

He smiled at me. "So anyway, your clean things are in this chest of drawers, your bathroom is through there. Go shower, get changed, then come and find me, and we'll get you all sorted out, okay?" He planted a kiss on my forehead. "Welcome home, my love."

I took a quick look around. It really was a lovely room. I looked out the window, which looked out on the back garden, which was full of flowers; I could see honeysuckle, lilacs, and roses, just to name a few. I had no idea Teddy loved flowers so much. It was really beautiful, and I couldn't wait to spend some time exploring it. My bedspread was covered with flowers also, as was the rug next to the bed. And the vase next to the bed had fresh roses in it. Tears sprang to my eyes. My impulse was to sit on the bed and have a good cry, but I forced myself to go into the bathroom and turn on the shower. I noticed that my bathroom supplies from Trader Joe's had been unpacked and placed in the bath, and again came the urge to cry. I undressed, put my by now extremely dirty clothes in the hamper and got in the shower.

By the time I got out, twenty minutes later, I felt a little refreshed. I dried off, wrapped a towel around my head and went out to the dresser to see what I had available in the way of pjs and underwear. I was pleased to find an old summer nightgown that snapped all the way down the front, in light pink cotton, very cool, an old favorite that had somehow missed the cut for my trip to Japan. Next to my pjs I found all of my undies, and I wondered in passing if he had unpacked all my things himself. Hmm. I pulled out a pair of pink ones, so I'd match, I figured, and pulled them on.

I took the towel from my head and brushed my hair. It was more humid here than in LA, though nothing like Japan, and I wondered how bananas my hair was going to go. I then went in search of Teddy, wondering how long my second wind would last before my fatigue came crashing down on me, bearing me under like a lead weight.

"Teddy?" I called as I wandered down the hallway. There were some gorgeous prints on the walls, and I could see a beautiful sun-filled room at the end of the hall, but he responded from a room that opened to the left, so I followed the sound of his voice and entered what looked like a family room, very comfortable, with a massive sofa, a couple of squashy easy chairs to the side, big screen TV and sound system, with a fireplace, rug, and coffee table. He was sitting and holding a book, which he put down when I entered. He patted the sofa next to him and I sat, putting my head on his shoulder.

"Everything okay?" he asked, stroking my hair.

I nodded, covering an enormous yawn.

"You think you want to try some food now, or you want to just go straight to bed, and eat after you wake up?" he asked me.

"Oh, I don't know," I answered. "I need to talk to you about something. It's really important. But I want to see your house, too."

"I think the house tour can wait until you've rested," he said firmly. "You haven't slept in two or three days. You're exhausted. The house will still be here, in exactly the same state, after you've slept. So that's off the table for now, okay? As far as what you have to talk about, can't it wait? I mean, if it's that important, shouldn't it happen when you have all of your intellectual faculties?" He looked at me. "You've traveled through, what, six or seven time zones in the past five days? And nearly died? Surely those things are worth a nap, at least?"

I thought about it. I shook my head. "No. This can't wait. I need to tell you this. It won't take long. I won't be able to sleep until you know. Please. Please?"

He looked at me intently. "What is it? Are you sick? Is something wrong?"

"No, no, nothing like that," I smiled at him. I took a deep breath. "It's just that I had a lot of time on that miserable plane to think about a lot of things, you know?"

He nodded. "Yes. So did I."

I got up off the sofa and stood in front of him. He looked up at me expectantly. I gathered my nightgown around my thighs and straddled him, sitting on his lap. This was the last thing he was expecting, and he goggled up at me. "Birdie? What the fuck are you doing?"

"I want to talk to you, and I want to make sure I have your attention," I said.

"Well, safe to say you do," he said, backing up against the back of the sofa.

"I want to be eye to eye with you," I said. "Okay?"

"Um, okay," he said, looking at me very carefully.

"So, like I said, I had a lot of time to think, and I was thinking about my life, and about regrets. More specifically, I was thinking about how lucky I was to have had a life that was relatively regret free," I said. I reached out and grasped his hands, interlocking our fingers.

"That is nice," he said, squeezing my hands.

"Yeah, except I realized it wasn't exactly true. Until I met you, I thought it was true, but after I met you guys, I realized I'd lived most of my life afraid. I was afraid of so many things. Did you know that the main criticism of my playing has always been that I'm not brave enough? That I don't dig down into the music? They're saying I'm shallow, basically."

"No, I didn't know that," he responded. "You never said."

"Yeah. Whenever there would be a competition or whatever, critics, judges, no matter where I was, people who didn't even know each other, all of them said that I didn't take enough risks, I wasn't daring enough, I wasn't brave. And it spilled over into all areas of my life.

"But never was it as obvious as after I met you. I was afraid to be with you, to really be with you, because I was afraid it would ruin the friendship we already had. You had a reputation, I told myself. I was just being prudent. If I slept with you, and things went wrong, which they more than likely would, not only would I lose you, I'd lose Gethin, and Matty, and Ronan. And I just couldn't lose them, Teddy, I couldn't." I felt the first tears spill over.

"I understand that, love, I really do—"

"No, let me finish," I said gently, leaning forward to kiss him without letting go of his hands. He nodded. "I was so scared. I was scared to have sex with you. I was scared not to. I was scared to lose you. I was scared to lose the other boys. I was scared to go back to LA alone. I was scared to come to London with you. I was scared not to. I was ridiculous. All I could think about was how to keep you at arm's length. I was afraid I'd get in too deep and get hurt." I was really crying by now. My nose was running. He made me release one of his hands so he could grab a tissue, which he held up to my nose.

"Blow," he commanded, and I did.

"I knew when we met that you were an arm's length girl with a very long arm," he said gently, "and it's alright, honest--" I put my finger on his lips and shushed him so I could continue.

"So while I was on that plane of death and misery, I decided I wasn't going to live that way anymore. I just wasn't." I looked around and took a deep breath, wiping my eyes with the back of my hand.

"So, here's the thing, because I know how you love the thing." We both smiled. "I want to be with you. All the way, no holds barred. You've given me all of you, since the beginning, so this is me, trying to be brave and give all of me, too. That's what I want to do, if you still want me. If you want me for one year, or one month, or one week, or hour, I don't care anymore, I really don't. I'm not afraid of that anymore. I want you for as long as you want me. And when you say you're finished with me, I'll leave, no clingy whining, I promise." I didn't even know if he could understand me at this point, I was crying so hard, but I had to finish what I was saying. "I hope we can stay friends after, I really do, but that's a risk I'm willing to take, because I understand that life is about taking risks and about diving in, all the way, and I'm willing to do that now. I'm willing to do that now," I repeated softly.

I let go of his other hand, and I reached up to the neck of my nightgown. I unsnapped the first snap. I looked at his eyes, his beautiful, smoky eyes, which had tears of their own now, as he looked at me with growing surprise. I unsnapped the second snap. The left strap fell off my shoulder and onto my arm. I reached for the third snap.

"Birdie, no," he said softly, righting the strap and removing my hands from the snaps.

I looked at him in surprise. "No? Really?" I couldn't keep the pain and hurt out of my voice and eyes, which filled with fresh tears.

He looked at me, and said, "Oh no no no, I didn't mean—" As he realized what I thought he meant. "I just meant that you're exhausted. You haven't slept. You haven't eaten. You were just sick in the road. You're wretchedly ill at the moment, and you don't even know it, poor thing." He quickly did up the snaps on my nightgown. "Only a monster would take advantage of the offer you just made." He enveloped me in a huge, warm hug, kissing my neck. "I couldn't live with myself if I did such an atrocious thing. Though you have to believe me when I tell you it's one of the most difficult things I've ever done. It's seriously testing my mettle as a gentleman." He smiled at me, resting his forehead against mine.

"So, here's what we're going to do, my most beautiful girl. You're going to get tucked up in bed, and I'm going to bring you some innocuous thing to eat that you can keep down, like toast or something. You're going to eat it, and if it stays down, then we're going to take a glorious nap together, and when you wake up, if you feel well, then we're going to revisit this whole unsnapping of the nightie business, okay?"

I had to laugh. "'The unsnapping of the nightie business'? You do make me laugh, Theodore Shelley."

"Again with the full naming me before noon," he chided me. "I'm beginning to see a pattern, Birdie."

"And that's twice you've turned me down cold, Shelley." I gave as good as I got. "I'm beginning to see a pattern, too."

He laughed, and led me by the hand to his room. I was avidly curious about his house, and kept slowing down to look down hallways and into rooms, but he kept pulling me by the hand, admonishing me to "come along".

His room was totally him, full of books and CDs, neat but not tidy, a TV in the corner, and a window overlooking the back garden. It even smelled like him.

"Now you wait here a tick and try not to fall asleep," he commanded. He returned a few minutes later with some toast with marmalade and a cup of tea. Both stayed down very nicely, and I was nodding off less than five minutes after I'd finished them. He cleared away the tray and came back in time to fix the blanket and pillow for me.

"Window open or closed?" he asked me.

"Oh, open would be lovely," I said.

He smiled. "I like it open, too," he said.

So with the window open, the scent of roses blowing in, and the distant sounds of traffic drifting through, he climbed into bed with me, and pulled me into his arms. We faced each other, legs intertwined, and smiled sleepily.

"I don't remember ever being this happy," he said to me, rubbing my cheek with his thumb.

I took a deep breath of surprise. "I was just going to say the same thing!" I said, laughing. He laughed along with me.

"Kiss me," he commanded, and I did.

"Again," he murmured, and I did.

"Mmm, again," he whispered, and I did.

He rolled over on top of me, holding my head in both of his hands and kissing me like he never intended to stop. I ran my fingers through his hair and he moaned against my mouth.

"I swear to Christ, you did that on purpose, just to test me, just to test my willpower," he said, lifting his head to look at me.

"What are you talking about?" I opened my eyes and looked at him. "What the hell kind of double standard is that? You're allowed to do all kinds of things to me and drive me out my mind, but I'm not allowed to touch you, to do anything?"

He smiled. "I drive you out of your mind? Really?"

I smiled. "Yeah. You know that. You think I make those noises because I'm bored?"

He rolled off me. "Well, I guess we'd better stop and sleep. God knows we both need it. Come on, Birdie. Let's spoon, that's safe enough."

I turned around, so we were back to front. "Something's wrong. You need to take your shirt off."

He raised himself up on one elbow so he could look at me. "Seriously?"

I turned my head so I could see him. "Do I look like I'm joking? Shirt off, please."

He pulled his shirt over his head and tossed it on the floor. "Anything else?"

"Not that I can think of," I said with a laugh. "I'll let you know, though."

I could feel how excited he was against my back for quite awhile, and it was enough of a distraction that I thought it might keep me awake, but it subsided after awhile, and I could tell by his breathing that he was asleep, and eventually, in his arms, I fell asleep, too.