Living in a Jumble of Wishes

Chapter 5

I hate Mondays so much.

It’s like my body gets used to sleeping a few more hours during the weekend then BAM Monday arrives and I have to wake up at seven in morning again!

I wish school started at nine. I would’ve been able to wake up at around eight or even eight thirty some days!

How awesome would that be?

But I guess we can’t have everything easy in life. Waking up early is one of the hard things in my life but I have to deal with it.

I took out a pair of jeans and carefully picked my white top and red jacket. Ever since I started hanging out with the populars, I started making sure that my clothes were good enough. If I wanted to be a part of the popular group then I had to look like I was one of them, right?

I applied a bit of lip gloss and mascara before going downstairs to have some breakfast.

I found some cookies on the kitchen counter and my mouth watered. I grabbed two cookies and started munching on them as I went to school.

I smiled when I saw Zack and the twins chatting in the hallway. I went up to them and greeted them.

“Hey!” The twins said in unison.

“Hi there,” Zack whispered and then he gave me a kiss.

I kissed him back and tried to keep it short because I didn’t really feel comfortable with PDA.

I blushed when we pulled away and the twins started saying how cute we were.

Zack smirked and he proudly put his arm around my waist. We talked for a few minutes before I told them that I’ll meet them in class because I wanted to get some books from my locker.

I rushed to my locker to get my books before the bell rings.

I grabbed my books and quickly shut my locker because the bell had already rung.

I got to class right on time and breathed a sigh of relief as I sat in my chair.

The teacher started explaining some math lesson but I ignored her as my thoughts drifted to Zack and the rest of the populars.

I was thinking of ways to keep on impressing them and working hard on not sounding like a loser in front of them at any time.

The morning passed in a blur and soon it was second break.

We were seated on the stairs as usual when Mandy said to me, “Are you up for a challenge?”

“Challenge for what?” I asked.

“To see if you truly are a popular,” Amy replied for her and I gulped, suddenly feeling nervous.

So was this the test? The test to see if I was good enough to be a part of their group? That was it? The moment I find out if I stay or leave? I felt like I was in a movie. I never thought things like that actually happen in real life but I was never a part of a popular group so I didn’t know.

“Shoot!” I finally said, determined to pass their test.

“See that girl over there with the book and the glasses?” Mandy said, rudely pointing at a girl on the other side of the court.

“Yeah,” I replied, nodding.

“What do you think of her?” She asked.

“She likes to read?” I said but it sounded more of a question than an answer.

“She’s a nerd. And do you know why nerds exist?” She said and when I shook my head she continued.

“They exist for people like us to tease them and make fun of them,” She said and I frowned slightly.

That sounded so mean!

“And today is your turn to make fun of the first nerd on your list!” Amy said excitedly.

List? Does that mean that I will have to do this more often? Does that mean that they have done that a billion times before?

I looked at the girl again and recognized her as Sarah, a quiet girl in our class. She’s so innocent and she doesn’t interfere in anyone’s business so why should we interfere in her business?

I hesitated.

“Come on babe,” Zack said, giving me a kiss on my cheek.

“But…” I trailed off.

They were all looking at me expectantly so I reluctantly agreed.

I walked over to where she was sitting. She lifted her head up from her book when she felt my shadow above her.

She pushed her glasses up and smiled at me.

She had a small figure. She was so short and skinny. Her head was small and she had cute tiny features. Her blond hair was cut short and her green eyes were bright with intelligence.

She was dressed in a pair of jeans and a white shirt with some flowers drawn on it.

I felt so bad for doing this to her but I could feel the gazes of the ten members of the populars on me, waiting for my actions.

I silently sent her an apologetic look.

“What are you reading?” I started.

Her eyes lit up at the question I asked and she closed to book.

“It’s a really nice story about a guy who went to war and—”

I winced at what I was about to do but I knew I had to do it so I cut her off and said in the harshest tone I have ever used with anyone.

“Stop!”

She looked taken aback slightly. She stared at me with confusion.

“I didn’t realize your voice would be as boring as your face,” I said in a cold tone and she flinched as a hurt look crossed her face.

“I pitied you because you’re always sitting on your own but my God Sarah, now I know why. No one would want to sit with someone as boring as you.”

I bit my tongue to stop myself from blurting out all the truth and begging her for forgiveness.

“Just stay alone. No one deserves to deal with that much boredom in such a tiny person.”

The last statement made tears well up in her eyes and spill down her cheeks.

She then stood up and ran away from me, back into the building.

I just destroyed any tiny bit of self confidence she had.

All I wanted to do was run after her and apologize over and over again. I wanted to tell her that it was what the populars asked me to do and I didn’t mean any of it.

I wanted her to smile and say that it was okay and that she forgave me and maybe we would sit together that break and maybe she’ll turn out to be a fun person.

But that wasn’t going to happen. I knew I wasn’t going to do that because the populars were watching me destroy that girl.

I would be the one being destroyed if I went after her. They would destroy me just like they destroy others.

The situation kind of reminded me of my history class. We were studying about Benito Mussolini, the Italian politician who led the National Fascist Party. He believed that some people were born to rule and the rest were born to be ruled.

 And that’s exactly how it was here at my school.

I was going to be either with the populars who were born to rule or I was going to be with the rest—like Sarah—and be ruled.

Even though I knew that what I was doing was bad, I couldn’t go to being ruled. I wanted to rule.

When Sarah’s tiny figure disappeared into the building, I heard laughter and applause.

I turned around to face the populars again and plastered a fake smile on my lips. I was feeling so guilty for what I did but they didn’t notice.

They just laughed and started joking about how the girl looked.

Kyle made a face, saying that she looked like that when I yelled at her.

Zack wrapped his arm around my waist and kissed me cheek, smiling proudly at me.

“Good job,” Mandy said. “You’re one of us now.”

Why didn’t it feel as good as I thought it would be?

Two minutes before the bell rang I went to the bathroom because I was sure that the teachers won’t let me go during class time, especially after a forty five minute break.

I froze when I heard someone crying inside one of the bathroom stalls.

Don’t ask me how, but I knew that it was Sarah.

I knew the she would probably be sitting on the toilet seat with her cute little face in her hands and tears running down her cheeks. Her nose and eyes would be red and puffy and her breathing shallow.

She probably had her book in her lap, wetting it with her tears.

And all of it was my fault.

I stared at the mirror above the white, not so clean, sink. I saw my reflection, same as always. But I didn’t feel like I always did.

I felt so sad and guilty that it almost made me want to throw up.

What am I doing?

That was a question I thought about very often these days. I was lost and confused.

At some points I would think that being with the populars was the best thing that has ever happened in all my high school years so far but at other points, all I wanted to do was run away from them and find Carla and Kate to make things go back to the way they have been for the past two years.

I didn’t know what I was supposed to do.

I wasn’t the kind of person that would go around making fun of people. I accepted people the way they were. If Sarah likes to read and study, then fine, let her be.

That’s what I thought but that’s not what the populars thought.

They thought that because she liked those ‘lame’ things, she deserved to be bullied.

I guess that’s how high school worked most of the time but that didn’t mean that I have to agree with it.

You didn’t have to do it either; a voice in my head scolded me. I knew that voice was right. I didn’t want to do it but I had to if I wanted to be one of them.

Just as I was contemplating knocking on the bathroom stall and begging Sarah to hear my apology or just leaving and acting as if I didn’t hear her cry, the bell rang.

I chickened out of the apology, making up excuses like the bell rang and I was going to be late for class.

I quickly washed my hands and sprinted to my class before Sarah came out and before the sound of her crying made me throw up because of the guilt I was feeling.

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