Living in a Jumble of Wishes

Chapter 13

I was dreading Monday. I didn’t want to face Zack at all. What would he say to me? What would I say to him?

I never thought I would be in a situation like this. Everytime I imagined having a boyfriend, I would imagine this really cute guy with innocent blue eyes and a permanent smile and dimples. He would be the guy that would hold my hand all the time, ask for my permission before he steals my first kiss, be the perfect gentleman, make my parents say that I should marry him, not just date him, give me a rose when he sees me or simply give me a small gift saying that he saw it at the mall and it reminded him of me. All in all, I imagined the perfect guy that exists in two places only: a book and a movie.

Zack seemed like the perfect guy for me.

I mean Zack was the guy every girl— and some guys—wanted to date. He was extremely hot, for one, and two, he was the most popular guy at school.

Everyone knew who Zack was and now everyone knew who I was just because I was his girlfriend.

But what will happen when people find out about what happened at the party?

How will they react?

Do I even want to know the stories that would be spread around the school?

Maybe we shouldn’t tell anyone about what happened. I didn’t want people thinking that I was just a stupid virgin.

It’s true that I was a virgin but that’s because I don’t believe in having sex without being in love with the other person.

And I had known Zack for a short time and I wasn’t in love with him yet. I did like him but liking someone is not the same as loving someone.

I wanted to go through all the stages of a relationship. I wanted to start by the exciting first date, the blushing, the holding hands, the hugs, the deep conversations, the pecks on the cheek, the sharing-secrets, the more intense kisses, the long romantic walks, the meeting-the-parents, the family dinners, the small cute gifts, and the ‘I love you’. I wanted all these things.

I wanted to fall in love.

I wanted a guy that has flaws that will make me angry and that will make us fight at times. I wanted a guy that is not perfect. I wanted to love a guy with all his flaws and mistakes.

And maybe, maybe what Zack did on Friday was one of his mistakes; maybe being late to every date was one of his flaws.

If I was going to break up with every guy that does a mistake or has a flaw then I will never fall in love, right?

Maybe I should forgive Zack.

I mean if I didn’t forgive him we will break up and I will lose the most popular guy at school. Heck, I will lose all my popular friends. Zack is the top of the popular group, they’ll kick me out and not him especially after they hear what happened.

I’m pretty sure they all had sex more than once so not only will I be out of the group, but I will also be bullied about it for the rest of my high school years.

“We need to talk,” Zack’s voice made me jump, not noticing that I was already in class. I had been so lost in thought that I didn’t even notice that I had arrived here.

I didn’t know if it was the way he was looking at me, or the way all the popular group was watching us from the other side of the class, or the thought of being bullied, was what made me nod, already knowing how the conversation was going to unfold.

He lifted me up, making me squeal in surprise. That was one of Zack’s habits. He liked to use his muscles to lift me up all the time. And that was not necessarily a bad thing.

He smiled slightly as he sat me down on my desk. He then pulled my chair closer to my desk and sat on it, looking into my eyes.

We were at eye level now.

“About what happened on Friday,” he started in a low voice so that no one around us could hear because he knew how much people acted like stalkers when it came to him, and now us. We were the school’s most popular couple and everyone wanted to know all our stories. It was good and bad at the same time. It was good because it was making me more popular and now everyone knew me but it’s bad because we rarely get any privacy at school and we both know that if we went on a date and someone saw us, the whole school will be talking about it.

It was like dating a celebrity, I thought to myself. I then shook the thoughts away as I waited for him to carry on, making a mental note not to interrupt him till he’s done.

“I shouldn’t have done that. I just drank a little too much and you just looked so hot in your dress, I couldn’t stop myself. I know that’s not an excuse but I really hope you will forgive me. I would never force you into something you don’t want to do. I respect you, Pamela, please forgive me.”

His eyes were staring intently into mine. I saw the anxiety in his eyes as he stared at me, waiting for my reaction.

My heart was beating faster as I mentally wished I was doing the right thing. I swallowed and ran my tongue over my teeth, trying to ease my own nervousness.

I opened my mouth to speak but before I could utter a single word, I saw Mandy whisper something to her twin as they looked at us.

I closed my mouth and tried to do some lip reading. I couldn’t figure anything out and their facial expressions didn’t give anything out either.

I finally let my gaze travel back to Zack who was still staring at me expectantly, waiting for my answer.

“I forgive you,” I finally said the words he wanted to hear, but I wasn’t sure I wanted to say.

A smile formed on his lips and what that smile meant to me at that moment was ‘I’m still in the popular group’.

He stood up and gave me a hug.

“Thank you,” he whispered in my ear. “I don’t want to lose you.”

I hugged him back and tried as much as possible to ignore the uneasy feeling in the pit of my stomach.

I did the right choice, I tried to convince myself. Forgiveness is a good thing.

I was still in the popular group, the most popular guy at school was still my boyfriend, and I don’t have to deal with any bullying or rumors.

I was fine. Everything was fine.

The rest of the popular group then came over to us and started talking like nothing has happened. I didn’t know if Zack already told them about what has happened that night but I didn’t ask because I didn’t want to have to explain why I was asking and all this crap.

So like always, I put on a smile and picked my words carefully as we discussed our English teacher’s ugly clothes, well at least that’s what they thought.

History is probably one of the subjects that I hate the most. I don’t like having to know all the politics of every country just so I could know about some wars that ended hundreds of years ago and people that died hundreds of years ago as well.

Sighing, I took out a pencil and opened my copybook at a random page. It’s not like I write stuff on it, anyway.

Boredom took over and I started drawing something. I smiled when I finished my not-so-perfect drawing of beauty and the beast.

It reminded me of Landon and Hannah. Beauty and the Beast is Hannah’s favorite movie and once I was watching it with her and Landon so Landon got bored and started talking all the time. Hannah started hitting him and telling him to shut up because he was ruining her favorite part –which was every part, by the way.

I loved those two siblings. They were both amazing.

Hannah could be a spoiled child sometimes but she’s really sweet and she also reminds me of myself when I was her age.

I used to love Beauty and the Beast as well—and I still do. I also loved playing dress up and having tea parties.

She reminded me of my childhood and the days when I only worried about which princess dress I wanted to wear each day.

I always thought that I wanted to grow up so that I could really live my life but little did I know that with growing up comes great responsibility.

Now, all I want is to live a day as a child again.

But I guess we should all grow up at some point. And as we grow up we get stronger and we’ll be able to take all the responsibilities that come our way.

 Hannah was still living her childhood now but someday she will grow up and she would have responsibilities just like Landon and I have our own responsibilities.

But Landon will help her out. He will stand by her side all the time and he will take care of her. He will try to protect her from all the cruelty of the world.

It’s nice to have someone like that in your life. I wish I had an older brother. Sure my parents do their best but they’re still parents and they will never understand like a big brother would. I guess I have Landon as well. He is my best friend and even though I can’t really imagine him as my brother, he will always be by my side.

I jumped when the bell rang. I should stop spacing out so much, I thought as I stood up and started walking with the popular group to the court outside.

Zack wrapped an arm around my shoulders and when I looked up at him he smiled at me. I smiled back, feeling that it was just a little fake.

“A date tonight?” He asked me, raising his eyebrows at me.

I shook my head and he frowned. Of course he had to immediately jump to conclusions, I thought.

“My parents are coming home tonight,” I replied. I was going to surprise them at the airport when their plane lands.

They said that they would be home at eight in the evening but I checked their flight and found out that their plane lands at six.

I was going to be at the airport at six so that I would be there on time.

I smiled as I thought of my parents returning home. I didn’t admit it to anyone but staying alone at home for five days was scary and lonely. I especially hated when it got dark. I hated the darkness and being alone in my house wasn’t very reassuring.

“Oh,” Zack said, cutting my thoughts. “Wednesday then?”

I thought about it for a minute before nodding. On Wednesday we had a math test so he didn’t suggest Tuesday because we had to study then.

“Yeah, that would be nice,” I replied, smiling at him.

“Good,” he said, squeezing me slightly before he let me go and we sat on the stairs with the rest.

The day went by as it usually did. I spaced out in class, the populars bullied others, and we talked about anyone and everyone.

I felt exhausted when I got back home. It was getting harder to put up with the popular clique. I was tired of seeing students cry and lose any ounce of confidence they had. I was tired of judging others. I was tired of talking about everyone’s outfits.

But I wanted the popularity.

I wanted everyone to know me; I wanted to never be forgotten.

But how will I be remembered? A voice in my head asked.

Will I be remembered as a bully? Will I be remembered as Zack’s girlfriend? Will I be remembered as the new member of the popular clique? Will I be remembered as the girl who destroyed Sarah’s confidence?

My stomach twisted uncomfortably at those thoughts. I did not want to be remembered as any of those. I wanted to be remembered differently.

I forced myself to stop thinking and decided to sleep for a bit. I was tired and I wasn’t getting much sleep at night.

I put an alarm at five thirty so that I don’t oversleep and my parents come home and find me in bed. That would be a lame ‘welcome back’.

When I woke up a couple of hours later, I was energized and ready to go pick up my parents.

I got to the airport at exactly six o'clock. I checked the board and saw that their plane has landed. I went to the small shop to the right and bought them a balloon that said ‘welcome home’ and a bouquet of flowers.

I waited for my parents with all the rest of the people. I could hear the excited chatter around me as a group of people waited for their friends, a girl waited for her boyfriend, a couple waited for their child… How nice it is to know that your loved ones will be back home in just a few minutes, I thought as I smiled and focused my gaze on the glass door they should come out of soon.

The first person that came out was a guy in his twenties. His eyes scanned the crowd, looking for one person as he walked forward.

I tried to think who were the people waiting for him but I didn’t have to keep on guessing for long because the blond girl in the crowd jumped up and ran to him.

His eyes lit up with love as he let go of all his bags and suitcase right in front of everyone at the airport and hugged her, spinning her around as they both laughed.

Tears were streaming down her face but the bright smile never left her lips.

That, right there, was true love.

He didn’t care about what other people would say. He didn’t care that all those people were watching them. It’s like he didn’t even see them there. All he saw was his girlfriend.

I wanted to experience love like that someday.

I silently wished them all the best in life.

As the couple walked towards the exit, hand in hand with smiles on their faces, I turned my head back to the glass door. A couple of people went out then my parents came out, talking and smiling.

They were both shocked to see me there. I grinned at them and gave them both a hug.

“You didn’t have to come, Pamela! We would’ve been home in a bit,” mom said but she was grinning widely as she took the balloon and flowers from my hands.

“I missed you too much. I couldn’t wait another thirty minutes,” I said and they smiled, hugging me again and telling me how much they have missed me.

We went back home and they kept on talking excitedly about all what they saw in Paris.

They told me how beautiful the view from the Eiffel tower was and how strong the wind was up there. I was smiling and imagining what they were saying.

Mom talked about croissants and French cheese and all the cute French bakeries. She also showed me the pictures on her cell phone.

“What about Disneyland?” I asked when she finished talking about Paris.

“It was amazing!” Dad said and mom nodded in agreement.

“I almost had a heart attack in Hollywood Tower, though,” mom said, her eyes wide. “It was so scary!”

“She screamed like a little girl,” dad teased her, making me laugh.

They then showed me pictures they bought from Disneyland while they were on the ride. In one of them mom has her eyes tightly shut and she is clinging onto the seat while dad is laughing.

“Ooh look what I got you!” Mom suddenly said, taking out four bags.

“Shopping at Champs-Élysées with your mom was hell!” Dad complained.

“Oh Champs-Élysées,” I sang and they laughed.

I opened the Abercrombie and Fitch bag first and took out the beautiful white dress.

“Wow,” I said in awe. “It’s so beautiful!”

Mom smiled and gave me the next bag.

It had a French shop name on it. I opened it and took out the grey beret. I’ve always wanted one of those! I put it on and smiled.

“How do I look?” I said.

“Cute as a button!” My mom squealed making me laugh.

The third bag had Disney characters all over it so I knew it was from Disneyland. It had several items inside. One was a black cover for my iPhone with the Disney logo on it in different colors.

There was also a Goofy head so I took off the beret and put the head on instead and they laughed at me.

They also got me a Minnie Mouse t-shirt, a white Disneyland hoodie, and an Eiffel tower key chain.

In the last bag there was a ‘I <3 Paris’ sweatshirt.

“Thank you!” I told them, hugging them tightly.

“You liked them all?” Dad asked.

“Yes! Every single one!” I replied excitedly.

They smiled happily.

“So anything happened when we were away?” Mom asked as I helped her unpack.

I recalled all the events of Friday night but I didn’t want to tell her about it so I just shrugged.

“Not really,” I replied. “I threw a party Friday night. It was nice. And I spent the day with Landon and Hannah on Saturday.”

“Oh I love that boy,” mom said immediately, not even commenting on the Friday night party. “You should invite him over with his sister this time.”

“Yeah, I’ll do that,” I replied, smiling as I thought of the two siblings. “Maybe next weekend.”

I then went downstairs and prepared dinner as my parents showered and rested for a bit. When they came back downstairs, we had dinner together and they told me more about their trip.

Paris sounded like a really amazing city and I was now very excited to go. I remembered the conversation I had with Landon about it and I couldn’t help but wish that we do actually get the chance to go to Paris together someday.

For the next two hours, we talked about everything but then they said that they wanted to sleep because they were tired so we all went up to our rooms.

I texted both Zack and Landon for a bit then I did some homework and by the time I was done it was already eleven o'clock.

I went to sleep, finally able to relax because my parents were home safely.

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