First of all I would like to warn you.

I'm not so good at writing in English. I'm from Poland and I'm still learning so there might be some mistakes but I will discuss them with my English teacher so I think within a few days everything will be perfect.

Leave your thoughts below and you can obviously correct me if you want.

I hope you like it ;)

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I should've been dead and not her.

I should not breath. I should choke on water. I should fight for every breath. I should struggle and beg for live.

I should freeze in stillness. I should go down.

And now I live in suffering and guilt, even though I didn't cause her death. I still have nightmares and don't get enough sleep. I talked to a million therapists and neither of them could help me. I'm still trying and trying to forget about it but I can't.

Everything I do reminds me about her... Memories come back and with them... pain. And a thought: 'Why?'.

I should die then. And don't look when she stops breathing, stops moving.

If I could help her then... If I could scream... Maybe everything would be different. If I tried to rescue her... I should fight and not chicken out.

I should be murdered that night.

Pull yourself together. You can't live like that.

This is not a living. It's a surviving.

Every day it's a new effort. Getting out of bed cost me a lot of energy. I can't get up. I can't stand on my own two feet. But I don't even feel like doing it.

The bed is too comfortable. The sheets are too soft.

I don't know when the sun and moon shines. When the sky covers with clouds, I cover too – with a sheet, blanket, if only it would be darker.

I eat very little. Barely. Just enough to survive another day.

But the most important is to survive.

For her.

I draw all day.

I don't know if it helps. But I know for sure that because of that I feel pain and sadness but mostly pain. There, in the heart. As if someone was squeezing it from the inside.

Perhaps this is the point of drawing your nightmares. Maybe it comes to re feeling pain because my nightmares resist on pain. On pain which doesn't allow to breath.

Pain sensation is good.

Because when I feel pain I know that I'm still alive.