I was exhausted as I finished my first shift back on truck, my doctor let me she the final check up a day later than it was scheduled for but I couldn't leave Hailey's side. I let out a Yawn as I made my way to my car which Sylvie got sorted for me, well she actually went to mine for me and waited for my mechanic. I had been hiding it but I haven't been sleeping, I made out that I had been sleeping so Hailey didn't worry about me, she didn't need to worry about me.

However I did have to worry about me. I was struggling real hard with everything and in all honesty I am scared what I'll do if I don't get help now, my mental health is that bad right now. I decided I want to go and talk to Doctor Charles, he came to see me when I was in hospital before I was to be discharged and said if I ever needed to talk then I can talk to him.

During my drive to med I had a sinking feeling in my stomach, I saw myself driving into the freezing lake as I drove down the road to med. it felt so real but i knew it wasn't, it couldn't be. I wasn't that bad was I. As I was driving   I tried to focus on the music that was playing 'running up that hill' By Kate Bush the last few days I've been obsessed with it, I get like that sometimes, sometimes I play the song on repeat, more than 3 times in a row, yeah I'm weird like that. I pulled up to Med and parked my car before heading into the ED. As I entered the waiting room I saw Maggie.

"Hey Maggie, is Dr Charles in or free? I don't want to go and knock if he's busy or not in" I said probably not making any sense.

"He's free the last time I heard. Do you want me to page him?" Maggie asked

"If it's not to much bother" I replied.

"Don't be daft, take a seat; I'll tell him your out here" Maggie smiled to me

"Thank you" I said before taking a seat near the doors. My thoughts were jumbled as I had bad thoughts. I knew that after talking to Dr Charles I'll go up to see Hailey, see if she's being discharged yet. Maggie paged Dr Charles while I just sat trying to focus on what was real rather than what was going on in my head, I ended up going into my thoughts, I saw bad things happening and I was causing them, I didn't know what to do about it.

"Paige, Maggie paged me, she said you wanted to see me" Dr Charles said pulling me back to reality.

"Yeah, is their somewhere quiet we could go?" I asked biting my lip as I felt anxious.

"We can go talk in my office if you'd like?"Dr Charles asked and I nodded. All the way to his office I fiddled with my sleeves like I used to do back when I was a teenager and I was anxious.

"So what seems to be the problem?" Dr Charles asked once we both sat down.

"I've been having bad thoughts, I don't know how else to explain it but they are bad, after everything that happened with Thomas it's been bad. At first it wasn't bad, I wasn't exactly sleeping properly before it but since that it's been harder to sleep. I would have nightmares or some nights not even sleep at all. And these bad thoughts well let's just say if I didn't convince myself to come and talk to you today then I would probably have done something stupid" I paused as I tried to think if I should bring up the thoughts I had on the way in.

"One of them bad thoughts were horrible, I saw myself driving off the road, into the freezing lake, I've never thought like that before but it felt so real, I thought about doing it but I then thought about Hailey, I thought about Dad, Elle, Liv. I thought about how the people who I care about and love would react. I don't know what I'd do but it's got to be bad" I said to Dr Charles.

"Well you've done the right thing by coming to talk to me. I'd like to keep you in over night so I can figure out the best way forward and because of what you've said about the thoughts you've been having. I'll have you discharged so you're out for shift. I'd that okay with you?" Dr Charles asked and I nodded. Anything to actually start feeling myself again.

"Anything to protect myself and everyone else" I said nodding again

"I only got back on Truck, they need to be able to trust me, they need to know they can run into fires and I won't put them in danger and I can't do that If I don't trust myself, if I am having bad thoughts I can't continue on truck, so please anything you do will help" I said to Dr Charles who let me talk.

"I understand Paige but I also know you, you would never put anyone at the firehouse in danger, I know you would put the job before yourself. Together we will work this out and I'll make sure you can continue being a firefighter. We'll get you admitted right now" Dr Charles reassured me

"I need to go and see Hailey,  her ride if she's being discharged so she'll have to make some changes to that. Once's you've admitted me; would it be possible if I head to the ward, I know if you don't admit me now I'd probably end up leaving. I know what I'm like" I said, it was true sometimes I make bad decisions if I'm not in the right headspace and although I made the first move to talk to dr Charles and I wanted him to do everything he could do to help me their was part of me that wanted to leg it out of the hospital without looking back.

"Okay, let's go and get you admitted then I'll walk you down to where Hailey is and I'll make sure if she's discharged to make sure to bring you up to the ward before she leaves. I'll also have a nurse to keep an eye on you" Dr Charles informed me

"That's fine" I answered not saying another word. If Hailey's not discharged I'm going to have to call Someone to bring me a change of clothes.

♡♥♡♥♡♥

I was at cross legged back on the phyce ward, Hailey was discharged 3 hours ago, she had to pop into the 21st to finish some paperwork but she said she'd bring me some clothes as well as some essentials that she thought I might need. Dr Charles has popped by to inform me theirs a problem in the ED so he may not get to me till tomorrow but he also said he'd try and get me discharged so I can make shift if not he'll phone chief boden for me to say I'll be late but his aim was to get me discharged so I can be on time for shift

And if I only could
I'd make a deal with God
And I'd get him to swap our places
Be running up that road
Be running up that hill
Be running up that building
Say, if I only could, ooh

I hummed along to the music I had playing, once again I was listening to 'Running Up That Hill' By Kate Bush. I saw a young woman looking through the window to the room that I was in, I wasn't too sure if she was a nurse or a doctor but I definitely did know that she wasn't a patient. I shot her a small smile before I went back to scrolling through Instagram, Maria had posted a pictures of the two of us growing up

@/MariaMckinnon: growing up with Paige was everything you could imagine, making memories as we navigated through middle and high school. Laughing and Crying together, everything was perfect with you. I miss you all the time Paige Voight, thank you for being my very best friend

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@/PaigeCatVoight: miss you always Maria, thank you for all our memories 💛😘

@/LivVoight: you two are the definition of friend goals

After I commented and say Olivia's comment I decided that I was going to post my own memories, I made sure to use different photos we gave together just so I wasn't exactly copying Maria

@/PaigeCatVoight: growing up with you and making memories have always been my favourite thing to do. let not forget our trip to Disneyland when I had passed the fire academy. Thank you for all the good times we've had together and here's to many more ♥️

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@/MariaMckinnon: i would never change our memories & friendship

@/MariaMandPaigeVlover: I want a friendship like yours and Maria. You two are cute

@/WeLoveMariaandPaigexo: we need more Maria and Paige moments; you two are goals x

I smiled at the comments and let out a small sigh. I missed Maria a lot and i actually never have thought about that this much before, I guess being here right now was making me think more. Slipping my phone into my pocket I climbed off the bed and went over to the window just to look out over the city, it was getting dark but the sunset made everything look beautiful.

"Thank you" I heard Hailey's voice behind me after what felt like hours just looking out the window; in reality it was only 10 minutes.

"Hey baby, how you doing?" Hailey asked as she gently wrapped her arms around me, I turned around in her arms and wrapped my arms around her.

"I'm good now that your here. I mean yeah I know this is the best place right now but I do miss being with you" I said quietly not breaking the hug. I felt safe with Hailey, I always did and hopefully I always will.

♡♥♡♥♡♥

"Thank you for everything Dr Charles, and thank you for phoning Chief Boden for me explaining why I'm late." I said as dr Charles walks me to the exit of the ward. I was going to be a hour and half late for my shift but Dr Charles and I phoned Chief Boden and explained everything and also clarified that I was going to okay to work and honestly I was feeling better after talking to Dr Charles, yes I am still having the occasional bad thoughts but Dr Charles has started me on some antidepressants and some anxiety medication which we are going to see how they go.

"Any time Paige, I've got you penciled in for next Wednesday and we can discuss how you are doing and any worries you have then" Dr Charles informed me.

"Ill make notes of anything that I need to discuss next week and I'll keep practicing the grounding techniques for if my anxiety gets bad" I nodded.

"That's great. See you next week and if you need anything before then you know where I am" Dr Charles smiled. The two of us said goodbye and I made my way to the elevator before I then practically ran to my car so I could get to the firehouse no later than 9:30 but then again that would depend if the traffic is bad. When I get to the firehouse I'll go and see Chief Boden before I get changed. I just want to apologise again in person because I don't want him to start to loose faith in me as a firefighter, that would be a nightmare because being a firefighter is my life and it's part of me, nothing is going to change that.