Dear Jisung,

The first day I met you I was nervous. I wasn't sure what I was doing. I've never taken care of a child before.

I needed a job. I had just started college, and I needed to start saving up even more money to pay off my student loans. I told your parents I would eventually get another job. Look at us now.

You were 10 at the time. You'd never let me catch a breath; you were always running around. I'll admit, I got annoyed whenever you asked me to go outside and play soccer, or whenever you screamed like a baby whenever you saw a cockroach. I wasn't hired as a maid, though I made sure to give your house a thorough clean so it wouldn't happen again. Your parents didn't seem to notice.

I was supposed to be a babysitter, not a nanny. I was only supposed to watch you when you're parents went out on business meetings for too long, or when they wanted to go out on a date. It ended up with your parents offering me a room in your home. I accepted; I was a college student, and I needed to save as much money as possible.

You didn't seem happy. You suddenly didn't want to be around me anymore. You were 12 at the time. I knew you well enough by then to know when you were angry, Jisung. At first I simply assumed it was trouble at school, so I talked to you about it. You denied anything bad was happening to you. I believed you. I didn't know kids could be so stupid and cruel. I beg forgiveness.

During these two years I went out to a lot of parties, and a couple of dates. They never turned into something serious, a real relationship I could commit to. It was always easy to get along with you even if you annoyed me. You broke a lot of things as a child. Sticky hands of yours. Over time you stopped being stubborn and you started listening to me again.

Of course, when I went out, I couldn't watch you, and your parents would tell me as a joke that you couldn't behave without me, as if I was your actual parent. I always felt a sense of pride when they told me that.

I was happy when you looked at me mesmerized whenever I played the piano. You would sit on the floor with your legs crossed and just hear me play with your ear to ear smile. I was pleased not only by the melody, but as well by your happiness.

Your parents looked at me like I was their second son. They started giving me more responsibilities over you. One of them was to take you to school so they could put in more hours in their job. I would make you eggs for breakfast and I would always have a mess on the floor. I would ask you not to tell your parents each time it happened. You got tired of eggs eventually, but it was basically all I knew how to make. I tried preparing them differently. I personally preffered boiled eggs. You personally preffered throwing them in the trash.

I had to drop you off at school early everyday because my classes began early; you weren't happy about that.

You were never one to do your homework. I know you changed your reckless habit by high school, although I had moved out by then. I wanted to have my own place by junior year of university. You seemed more upset about that than you did when I had moved in. How did it feel back then? Like you lost a brother? Or something more than that? Guess I'll never really know.

I graudated university with a bachelor's in Music. You and your parents didn't show up at the commencement. I was a bit dissapointed, since even my own parents didn't show up. I had hoped my second family would be there.

I also ended university with a girlfriend, Areum. I loved her. We moved in together, she was still studying to become a lawyer. That means I lost every argument against her. I felt like this relationship would work out, like I could be happy. I was happy.

I didn't hear of you for a while, Jisung. Your parents invited me to your fifteenth birthday, but not to the rest. You looked so grown up. I remember when you looked like a tween with pimples and anxiety issues, when you only wanted to be with me, but that day you looked like a mature boy, and I wondered how time went by so fast.

I went to your highschool graduation. You don't understand the pride I felt to see you receive your diploma dressed in white. You really did put effort to give yourself a good life. You made two grown men cry that day. Your father always loved you, Jisung, even if he got upset over you coming out. In the end, I knew he would have accepted you. Why couldn't you have waited?

Areum was there too. When I came to congratulate you, you gave one look at her that said it all. You didn't like her. I didn't question it. I should have. I'm not with her anymore. It's all because of you.

It was sunny that day. The day I found out. It's raining right now. The day I won't find out anything at all. It doesn't matter the weather. You were all that mattered.

I miss you, Jisung. Your warm smile. If I had known better I would have chosen you. I would have spend my life with you. But you're dead, Jisung. No alcohol can make me forget. I wish you would have left a letter.

Left one just to say goodbye. I love you, Jisung. I realize now that you were worth it all along. Goodbye, but not only to you, my dear Jisung, but to the entire world.

Sincerely, Chenle