Isabella buried her face in her hands, attempting valiantly to control her tears and withdraw from the world. The world that she was looking at has disappeared.  The world that disappeared was a world that was as quiet as the mellow susurrus in the night with clouds that hung in the air like a phantom of recollections from the past. Where the wind was giving its soft satin flow over the warm skin, gentle with its caresses as though it was providing her with vitality to trudge the path of thorns left behind by those she ever loved.

She looks at Nicolai and remembers the little boy under a tree. His tears trickled down like the leaves that had just fallen from the trees in the fall. A weak little boy with no friends and such, a little boy with his love for books and milk with a plate of cookies. A cute, little boy with his stupid little smile.

“I’m tired.” Isabella said to the boy that was once little and cute. When did things go wrong, Nicolai? Why did you leave?

“I know.” He whispers gently as though he understands her predicament and maybe he does. Maybe he does.

Isabella stood up, her anger boiling to the point where she fears her own actions, afraid to be unable to control what words her mouth would spew. She’s so frightened of the thought of her anger eating her away. Pain and wrath do not bode well. She feels as though she could take on everything and nothing at the same time. The fragility that mixes well with the raw agony and grief becomes a fuel to her wrath that burns her insides until what’s left are droplets of water that cascades down her cheeks.

Isabella was mad because she knew how in pain he was. How his hurt was like wounds that cut so deep until it bled and weep. His eyes were like a book that she could read without failing to see a single thing on what he feels. This is what Isabella loved about Nicolai, she realized. The fact that he was an open book for her. His heart was always completely open for her to walk in at any time of the day. His love had no boundaries and his endless need for companionship from her were something that she missed so much that she bled and cried for the loss of her friend.

Isabella hit his chest.

He was taller than her, which then reminded her of the years they lost together. They were supposed to be friends. They were supposed to grow up together.

Isabella hit his chest again.

They weren’t supposed to grieve for the death of their friendship. They weren’t supposed to have matching despair and torment in their eyes. They weren’t supposed to be like this.

Isabella hits his chest again and again, looking for that satisfaction.

She mourned the death of Nicolai. Her Nicolai. The Nicolai she once loved. The Nicolai with a soft heart and gentle smile. The boy she knew but now a stranger. She mourned for that Nicolai.

Nicolai just stood there, taking all of her hits, all of the pain that came along with the hits. He didn’t say anything. He didn’t because there’s nothing to say. What could he say that would bring her comfort? That it’s going to be alright? It never will be.

Nicolai. Nicolai. Nicolai.

At some point, the man held her hands together to stop her from hitting him and moved closer until she could feel his warm breath against her skin. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I’m sorry.” He kept repeating like a broken record. A chant that was supposed to lure her into forgiving him but she couldn’t. She wished she could and she wanted to but she couldn’t.

So many years have passed between them. She went to his home, to places that he could have been just to see him gone. As though he was a fragment of her imagination. No note, no messages. Just him disappearing like the wind. And she searched for him. And searched. And searched again. And again and again and again because she wanted to ask why.

Just why?

Why leave so suddenly? Why not a goodbye first before leaving? An explanation would be nice. A promise to stay in touch would be okay as well. Maybe a note explaining why he had to leave or a quick message saying the reason for his sudden departure. So why leave without saying anything?

“You are the worst!” Isabella cried out, struggling against his hold as she tried to control her tears. “Absolutely the worst!”

“I know.” Is that all you could say? “I know, Izzy.”

Don’t call me that.

“Let go of me.” Isabella snapped, glaring at him through the wet blurry vision of hers. Her tears were falling because her anger was too much to handle. She was in pain, she was mad, she was frightened and she was sad. All of it was in her chest and she couldn’t let it out.

“I’m sorry.” He tells her.

“Don’t.” Isabella’s voice quivered. “Don’t say it now after all these years.”

“Please, Izzy.” He pleaded desperately; his own eyes were filling up with tears as he held her tight against him. She struggled desperately to claw or punch him but he held her close enough to prevent her from hurting him.  “Please.”

Don’t call me Izzy.

“Let me go! Nicolai!” Isabella hissed, trying to free her hands from his tight grasp. She wants to hurt him. She wants to inflict pain onto him the way he did to her when he left. He left a big hole in her heart and couldn’t forgive him even if he tried to beg for it. “You’re hurting me! You’re hurting me, Nicolai! Let go!”

She absolutely can’t forgive him.

“I can’t!” He shouted at her, causing her to stop. She looked at him and grimaced at the look on his face. He looked like he was prepared to do anything just to earn her forgiveness. He looked at her as though she hung the moon and the stars for him. As if she was land and him, a lone survivor from the sea, taking refuge from her.

“I can’t, Izzy. I can’t.” He whispered in a much softer tone. “I’m so sorry.”

“It’s too late.”

“I’m sorry.” He whispered desperately. “Don’t do this to me. Don’t throw me away like this. I loved you and I still do. I want to make it up for you. I won’t do it again so please. Please, I’m begging you. Please. I know what I did was wrong—”

“I looked for you.” Isabella whispered as she remembers the time where she would ask Dmitri to drive her to places where she could ask where Nicolai went, if he was even okay. Her mind was filled with thoughts of his dead body or him being hurt because of her. Sometimes, she would even think that the reason why he left was because he was also tired of her.

Just like my family.

“I looked for you everywhere.” Her search slowly stopped when her mind accepted the thought of Nicolai being so tired of her that he had to leave. So tired that he didn’t even want to see her face. Deep down, she knew it wasn’t true. That Nicolai wasn’t that kind of person. But she was a kid back then. She would easily believe it. “I looked but you were never there.”

Isabella’s hands were shaking as she thought about the pain she went through.

“You left.” Isabella whispered. “And you never looked back.” Isabella said harshly, making him flinch. She immediately snatched her hand away. “You never looked back.” She repeated.

“I couldn’t!” He reasoned. “I couldn’t because I didn’t have a choice. I did what I had to do. For you! I left for you. All I did was for you. If you could just listen to me! Listen to me, Izzy, please! Don’t throw me away like this…” Nicolai said desperately. “I left for you. I didn’t have a choice, Izzy—”

“Don’t call me that!” Isabella exclaimed in anger. “Never call me that! I’m not the Izzy that you know anymore and you’re not the person I once knew!” Isabella said, her tears falling down and burning her eyes. “You never left for me. You left for you. You were scared.”

His stance grew more defensive and tense. “Don’t say that, Izzy.” He said harshly. “I left for you.”

“You left for abuela.” Isabella hissed, her finger pointing at him accusingly. “ALL of you did because all of you were afraid. You think I didn’t know?” Isabella laughed and it grated her own ears because it sounded wrong. The pained look on Nicolai’s face looked so wrong. And she wanted to stop herself. She wanted to leave this conservation but the fragility that mixes well with the raw agony and grief becomes a fuel to her wrath that burns her insides. “I don’t know why you’re following my grandmother’s orders like a dog but this is the exact reason why I can’t trust you. THIS is the exact reason why I can’t forgive you. It’s because you’re still following her orders around. You’re nothing but a coward and a lapdog for her!”

The raw devastation in his eyes was evident and he was shaking as he listened to every word without saying anything. She was putting out the hope inside of him before it engulfed her whole like a flame.

Deep inside her, there was this ugly satisfaction of seeing him in this state. Deep inside, she wanted him to feel what she felt when she lost everyone. She wanted him to lose hope and to drown in that woeful ocean of despair.

Like she did.

Just drown.

“I absolutely hate you.” Isabella muttered finally, unable to look at that pitiful face of his.

She was burning every memory of his, every happiness they once had, every little moments they once shared, every word that he used to make her melt like an idiot, making her think she was special. She was burning it all until all that it's left is just a phantom of what he used to be.

“I absolutely despise you.” She whispered.

There was silence.

Before, she loved the silence. The way she could hear her thoughts when everything was quiet, the way it somehow gave her peace. But this silence was ugly and wrong. This silence speaks volumes and she hated it. It felt absolutely disgusting.

She was disgusting.

“If you had forgiven me then I would have looked the other way and forgotten everything that ever happened. But you didn’t.”

Isabella looked at him in confusion. She didn’t know what he meant and wanted to ask him but he gave her a soft smile and a kiss on the forehead.

“I’m sorry, Isabella.”

_______

;____;

The song is sad, this chapter is sad and now me is sad

Uhm... well, this is heavy (⁠.⁠ ⁠❛⁠ ⁠ᴗ⁠ ⁠❛⁠.⁠)

Who do you think is at fault? Is Isabella overreacting? Did she finally overstep?

AUFH I FEEL BAD FOR NICOOOO BUT I HAD TO HURT HIM SO DONT HURT ME

Thank you for reading! I hope you enjoyed itttt! Sorry for the mistakes.