Isabella felt as though she was suddenly trapped under something. Her airway suddenly became limited and all the sweetness and beauty of the world suddenly turned dark, as dark as the bottom of the ocean. All conversation halted and all people suddenly melted away into the surroundings as Nicolai slowly turned his head to look at her.

The wind turned cold and loud as it rustled loudly in her ears. It was as if it was portraying her wrath as it moved around in people and in trees.

Nicolai's gaze were filled with years of untold stories. His frame grew and his appearance changed. Just like how people do when they grow up. 

Nicolai took a step forward and it felt as if his step made her entire world tremble in fear with memories of them. Of him. Of abandonment. Of the pain. Of the grief.

He took another step and she remembers the days where he told her: 'She's got my back. Isabella's the first and last best friend that I'll ever have and I don't know what I'll do without her.'

She didn't know what she'll do without him and yet she had to live without him. She had to. She didn't have a choice.

Isabella took a step back, her breathing suddenly felt shallow. She remembers the way he would hold her hand whenever he would go somewhere only they could go.  How he had he smile at her like that? How he had he be so kind?

And yet, he left her behind.

'She always pushed me to my limits, pulled me out of my comfort zone.'

And yet, he left her behind like the rest of them. Like how they left. And she shouldn't be sad about that. She shouldn't! That's how life is. People come and go. And sometimes, people just go without saying goodbye, or without fixing the problem at hand. Sometimes, they just leave because it's more easier that way.

'Always giving me those comfort cookies and milk that always makes me cheer up.'

And she's fine. She's not sad. She shouldn't be. Isabella should be happy. It's not like there's something wrong with her. Nothing's wrong with her.

'She's there. She's just there to make my day brighter.'

Isabella took a step back. She couldn't breathe. She couldn't think. She needs help. Isabella needs....

Isabella gasped, as if she was a drowning man as she tried to get away from the pain that's starting to bloom in her heart.

Why couldn't she learn? Why can't she just accept that they left her because they were tired of her. They were tired of her because apparently, she's a burden the moment they came into their lives.

Isabella's a monster.

She's shaped me into someone who I could actually be proud of.

Isabella's a burden. She was the one who drove them away. She was the one who made their lives difficult. She was the one who made their lives so wrong because she was born wrong. She was born different. Isabella was born to be unwanted. The moment she was born from the moment she will die.

How could she let herself be a burden? This was all her fault. This was all her mistake. She was wrong. She was born wrong.

'That's my best friend.'

Everyone thinks she's kind. Everyone thinks she's some kind of saint for wanting to forgive and forget everything's that's happened.

'That's Isabella for me and I love her.'

But that's not it. She just wants it to end. She's not kind. She's willing to apologize for the sake of being the glue of the family. Isabella just wants things to get fixed.

'Because we're tired of you!'

Isabella turned around and ran. The words ringing in her ears as she tried to block out the words ringing. She's making a big deal out of nothing. She's making a big deal out of nothing!

'We moved because of you. We can't search for a bitch because of you.'

Was it her fault? Was it her fault that they left? Did she make some kind of mistake? Was she not a good girl? For putting up with everything?

'We put a lot of guards because of you. We have to be careful not to scar you for life.'

"Isabella!" Nicolai's voice echoed as the voice of the past echo.

We have to be careful not to taint the carpets with blood because you'd probably see it. We can't even do our job unless we leave our home.

'We're tired of you.'

Isabella gasped.

Can't she also say that she's tired too? Does she even have that right to be tired too? Just because she's a kid doesn't mean she doesn't see what lies beneath all that sweetness and lies they've been trying to do to cover up the blood and the bodies that they try to hide. Can't she say she's tired of trying to be brave everytime.

Why can't she say that? Why can't she have the right to be tired too?

Suddenly, someone grabbed her wrist and pulled her towards her house. She didn't look up——didn't want to see his face. But she knew that warmth. She knew that presence.

She knew.

"Izzy." He called out, voice low, more mature now but the way he called out to her was the same. It held that adoration and awe that Isabella had once basked in. Now, she couldn't help but swallow her own pain as she glared at the floor, refusing to look up to him.

"Izzy, please." He pleaded desperately. "I just need a moment."

A moment. Isabella wanted to laugh at that. A moment. She needed a moment with him but he didn't give her that. Instead, he left. Isabella went to his home and asked for people who knew him just to have a moment with him.

A moment.

As if knowing what she was thinking, he made a noise that sounded like he was wounded. "You know it's not my fault."

"Not your fault?" That made her looks at him with such ferocity. He looked like the same Nicolai she met when she was young but he wasn't the same boy who cried out weakly. He wasn't the same boy who would accept all the weirdness and sweetness that Isabella's got to offer for him. He's not her Nicolai anymore and she wasn't his Isabella too.

They were two different people. They were strangers now. That's what they are today. There's an invisible line that he clearly drew and she was just making sure he stays in his place and she'll stay in hers.

"Why can't you leave me alone?" Why do you have to haunt me until today? Aren't you satisfied that you're already haunting my dreams too? Turning dreams into nightmares, turning good memories to pain?

Why can't you leave me alone, Nicolai?

"Because I can't." He said in pain. "I need you. I need you, please."

Where was he when she needed him? Where was he when she needed him to be the shoulder to cry on? Where was he when she needed a friend?

She snatched her wrist away from him and sneered. "You don't need me. You can handle yourself just fine without me."

He frowns. "Don't say that."

"I can say whatever I want."

"You know I didn't want to leave you. You know I cared. Don't be like this, Izzy——"

"You didn't care." Isabella said, wanting to cry, finding the will to cry, but she couldn't. Of course she couldn't. Not anymore.

Not when there's no tears left to shed.

"You never looked for me. You never looked. So why are you in front of me, acting like I was the one who left you?" Isabella asks, her voice hardening with each word she uttered. She couldn't believe that the man, who was once her best friend, was in front of her.

She could hear faintly the laughter from fate, saying that she was meant to see those eyes of his again that were once filled with adoration and warmth. Now, it was only filled with memories that they could never go back. But, that were memories, weren't they? Something to look back to——knowing that it would have a bittersweet feeling deep in your chest.

And all the tears and pain that she went through just to ask silently to herself of what she did so wrong that made him leave.

Should she forget all that days where she say in her room, asking herself if he was tired of her too? The days where she blamed herself for not being enough? Where she reasoned with herself that he wouldn't leave her. That he would come back and he would apologize and he would be her friend again. She waited. And waited. And waited again. And she watched the calendar turn and she feels the time move. She waited for a long time. She waited for four years and now here he is and now she isn't expecting an apology from him anymore. She didn't want the friendship they once had anymore.

And that's just life.

Friends come and go. It's normal. Some stay and some just leaves and that's just another story in your life, a paragraph in one of your chapters.

"We're friends." He said, quietly, as if he was trying to convince himself, not her. But in the end, why did it matter? Why does all of it matter? In the end, Nicolai left her without a word, without a letter. Without anything.

And she finally accepted that after years of trying to understand why he left.

"Were." Isabella whispered, looking away from him. She just wished, for one day, that the pain left from the people she loved the most would disappear. One day. Just one day where she could just dream everything was normal. Or where she couldn't feel at all.

Just one day.

Can't she just have that one day? That one beautiful day where nobody could hurt her, where nobody would leave her, where nobody could make her cry, where life wouldn't be cruel to a child that only wanted to stay as a child. Can't she have that?

She just wants that one day.

But, sadly, life was always like that. Always the unpredictable character in in your story. "Were friends. Not anymore."

Silence flooded the room like a tsunami, drowning both of them in memories Isabella wished she'd forgotten. Memories of when Nicolai was once the kid she once knew.

Now, the man in front of her would forever be remembered as the boy who left her. She wished she could erase it all and forget. All of his smiles and all of the days where it was just the two of them against the world, she wished she could wipe it from her memory.

That way, she wouldn't feel bad.

The pain, the aching and unbearable pain that can't escape your chest. Just once, let it disappear. Just for once, she wants to sleep for a long time and forget.

He shakes his head while giving her a disbelieved laugh, almost breathless, like he couldn't believe what she just said. Maybe he couldn't. He probably didn't expect her to say a single word that's filled with a lot of things he'd never get to understand.

"That's... That's not true, Izzy."

"I'm not Izzy." Isabella said, looking at him with fists clenched. She was mad. Instead of feeling desperate, instead of feeling lost, instead of feeling broken.

She felt angry.

For what, she doesn't know. She wants to throw things away and make a mess of things but she also wants to run. Isabella just wants to stay angry. To let that burning flame in her heart spread throughout her entire body so that the pain would be dim compared to the bright fire of anger that burns.

Because if her anger went away, then she knew that she'd forgive Nicolai.

She'd forgive him because somewhere in her heart lies the young Isabella that's still craving for the first friend she met, craving for the friendship they once had. Wanting to be a part of Nicolai's life again.

So, she'll just stay the villain in Nicolai's eyes. She'll stay hardened, like a rock.

"I'm not your Izzy anymore, Nicolai." Isabella scoffed. "But then again, you're not my Nicolai too. Not anymore at least."

"That's not true."

She smiled at him sadly, wanting to reach out for his hand to let him know that the Isabella he once knew was gone. Replaced by someone with a hardened heart and soul.

Isabella slowly backed away from him. One step and then two and then three. Slowly. And as she got some distance, she saw the boy who once cried for that book of his under a tree. That boy who stood in front of her, looking desperate, looking like he was about to cry.

"I had no other choice."

"There's always a choice." Isabella whispered, knowing all too well of her own words. "You just chose the easiest path to follow and ignored every other choices that you could have picked."

There were days where she could have just stayed in the shadows, remembering back to the days where he father had said he was tired of her. She could remember the day when she needed Nicolai but he wasn't there beside her. She could have stayed sad, she could have stayed in the shadows because it's easier that way, because she was tired too to go to the light.

But she needed to and she chose to move on, albeit rather slowly. She chose to fix herself despite feeling like she can't. She did that because Dmitri cared, because there's Rafael by her side, because Ezri needs her.

That's just how it is.

"You don't understand."

"I guess I don't." She confessed. "But then again, it's none of my business now to understand you."

Isabella then looked back at the party and then back at him. "Thank you for attending my party, Anderson. It's great to see you again."

"Do you hate me?"

"What?" She was caught off guard by his question. She didn't expect him to ask something like that. She thought he would have accepted that she's got nothing to do with him.

Nicolai stepped forward and Isabella fought the urge to move back, away from his presence. She was somewhat in charge of the house now. When her family left her, she was put in charge for the men who stayed to protect the house–– to protect her.

Of course, she can't just leave them. She can't leave them. So, she stepped up because she's the only one who can and her dad actually left her with people who's got no clue on what to do now.

"Do you hate me?" He repeated, his hand slowly moving up to cup her cheek.

Does she? When she was a child, instead of hate, she felt lost. Lost of what to do next. Nicolai was one of her rocks. The one who'll support her and he disappeared without a trace and now there was no one but herself and the dark world.

"Do you hate me, Izzy?"

"Stop calling me that!" She shouted. "I'm not your Izzy anymore! I'm not that kid anymore, Nicolai! So many things have changed. I've changed!"

Nicolai stared at her before leaning forward to gently place his forehead against hers. His breath was caressing her skin as he looks at her in the eyes. It was as if he was seeking an entrance to her soul.

"There's an Izzy in you. Somewhere." He whispered hoarsely, as if he wanted to cry but was holding back. "There's an Izzy there who always followed me around, who always held my hand."

"I buried it." She said, looking back with such fire behind that gaze. "Because I hated that Izzy so much. I buried it just like how I buried every memories that burned my mind every night because I realized that I didn't need it. I realized that I didn't need you to rise up from the pain."

"Don't say things like that. You have no idea what I've been through. You have no right to say things like that! I am tired——"

"I've had enough!" Isabella shouted, her anger flaring up as her hands trembled slightly at the overwhelming emotion. "I've had enough of hearing everyone say they're tired when I'm..." She trailed off as she remembers the things Dante said. Her bottom lip trembled at the thought.

Isabella took a deep breath in before exhaling shakily. She gently pushed him away and glared at him. "You're a piece that my grandmother used, aren't you?"

His face hardened and he glared at her. "Don't you dare——"

"Yes or no, Nicolai. Are you or are you not?" She asks, stepping forward, making sure she was the one who had the most authority and not him. Isabella won't let anyone trample her. She won't let the pained memories, people who's just a reminder of the past, words, to trample her. She almost laughed mockingly at his triggered look. "Everyone treats me like a fucking child when I know what's going behind the scenes. She ordered you to leave the stage, just like how she asked my dad and my brothers were ordered to leave. Just like a play. You're her puppet. Moving around while she has your strings."

She laughed as she grabbed his collar aggressively before pinning him against the wall. "For what, should be my question. What reason did she put you in a stage and make you step out of it?" She snorted. at him. "It's almost like a game for me, isn't it? A game especially made for me. I need to find out why before the clock makes its final tick. It's game over for me. So, don't lie to me, Nicolai. You left because you were asked."

"I didn't want to, I swear." He said, looking down at her pleadingly.

Isabella snorted. "It seems like everyone had no choice. I guess that same fate applies to me? That I won't have a choice but to play my abuela's game."

She glared at him as Nicolai looks at her with his eyes wide with horror and anger before she lets him go and moved away from him. She was seething with anger from the inside and all she wanted was to slam him down but she wouldn't. No, she won't let her anger get the best of her.

"I told you, I'm not your Izzy anymore, Nicolai."

_______

Do you think Isabella's being dramatic??

Do you think that she should have forgiven Nico?

Probably, probably not. Who knows? Maybe she's taking her anger on Nicolai, maybe she just made a hard wall that no one, not even Nicolai or Ezri, Dmitri, Raf or her family, can break.

Who knows ┐( ˘_˘)┌

Anyways, that's a lot of emotions for one chapters XD