Based on a true story. New adult fiction.
Written: August 2018

---

I still remember. I can't forget.

The final texts are burned into my brain.

You're a loser. Get over yourself!

What makes you think any of that's going to happen? I mean, seriously.

Leave me alone. You're trying to hold me back!

I remember more than that, though.

She used to laugh at my jokes. The look she always gave me when I was trying to make a pun. When we would watch the boys when we were in high school and we'd discuss whether we'd rather red hair or brown eyes. Nights she'd stay over and we'd pig out on pizza, candy, and soda while we watched old episodes of Kim Possible.

It wasn't all that long ago. The last time she stayed over was last month. I remember her telling me about where she wanted to move now that we were free from school.

"I want to go to Austin, Texas," she whispered.

"Why Austin?" I asked.

"Because, there, I'd be in Texas and I wouldn't have to go far to be able to see the stars at night." She looked at me. "What about you?"

I smiled into the semi-darkness my room usually stayed at night. "Boulder, Colorado. I'll be able to see the mountains."

She chuckled softly. "You and your John Denver obsession."

"I'm not obsessed! I genuinely love the mountains."

"Okay."

"And the cold. And the snow."

"Well, you'll have to if you ever move there."

That night, we fell asleep imagining where we wanted to be. It didn't bother me that we wanted to be in two different states. For us, distance was only in miles. We were best friends. We were always going to be close in the ways that mattered.

At least, that's what I thought.

I also thought I mattered to her.

It's your fault.

You need to let go.

Stop acting like a know-it-all!

"Order number 302!" I call out, setting a tray on the counter. A smiling dad comes up to the counter as I recite his order. His kids peer at me over the edge and I grin at them. As he walks away, I turn around and walk to the supply room, getting ready to restock my area. The whole time I work, I can't hear anything over the echo of her words. Not the pop song playing or my own humming.

At the end of my shift, I sigh as I leave. I have hot sauce on me after someone stepped on a packet, and I'm thoroughly exhausted. Taco Bell was my first job offer after leaving school, so I jumped at it, not taking into account the long hours I'd have to work all day. Or the manager scolding me for not making a certain item correctly even though I've been there for two months and have mostly mastered every part of the job. I also didn't think about how much I'd lose my taste for their food after working there.

My parents are waiting up for me when I get home, even though it's well past midnight, closing in on one in the morning. I hug them and soon after go to my room. It's the only place I feel my most comfortable. In here, there's no one on me about what I'm doing wrong, or telling me stuff I want to forget.

When Hailey and I had our last argument and I deleted her from my phone, she left. She went to Austin. When I asked her how she was going to take care of herself, she told me she'd work. Like that was all there was to it. I asked her where and she said, "Anywhere. It doesn't really matter, now does it?"

Needless to say, I was very concerned. "You can't just go there and live on a wing and a prayer. You need to be smart about it."

"At least I'm actually going to do something, Dee! You're stuck in your mind. That's where this all begins and ends for you. You think too much!"

"Listen to yourself! You're saying you're going somewhere you don't know anyone and you're not going to even try to figure one single detail out first!"

"I never said I wasn't! I said I'll figure out my job stuff when I'm there."

"Hailey, that's not practical. What if you can't find one for months? What if you never find one?"

She shook her head and gave me a glare that could have melted my desk. "I'm going to find a job. You think I'm going to fail and come crying back to my parents, but you're wrong. You'll see. I'm not coming back."

"At least wait for me to come with you."

She shook her head, her eyes not leaving mine. "If I did, we both know you won't leave. Besides, all you're going to do is hold me back. I've had enough of that. I've had enough of you."

For the first time in my life, I knew what everyone meant when they said they felt like they'd been stabbed. Literal pain shot through me at her words. "You don't mean that," I said weakly, my throat tight. Tears were beginning to well up, but I was determined to not let them spill. Not yet.

"I think we both know I do. Every time I try to do something, you try to tell me why it's a bad idea or why it won't work. Stop acting like you know everything! You don't!" I took a step back before I knew what I was doing. She glanced at the door behind me. "Out of my way, Dee. I'm going to Austin tonight."

"No, I can't let you." I pulled my shoulders back even as my lip wobbled and I felt a tear go rogue.

She studied my face and her features softened, but only for a moment. "I'm my own person and I can do what I want, and I will." She shoved past me and yanked my door open. As she was about to leave, she glanced over her shoulder at me and stopped. "I wish we were never friends." She walked out and closed the door softly, which was somehow more jarring than if she'd slammed it.

Every word keeps replaying tonight. At this very moment, she's in Austin. We haven't talked since, but I'm almost glad we haven't. That night shouldn't have surprised me. There were so many signs leading up to those words that I should have seen it and ran. But I didn't. And here I am.

---

More seems to be missing than just Hailey. She seems to have taken all of the vibrant colors with her. As I walk outside the next morning, the sky seems to be a dull blue. Even the trees seem to be missing their normal color. The birds' songs seem to be sadder.

Without my best friend, I don't know who I am. So much of me is tied up in the person I spent the last thirteen years getting to know. She was as much a part of my identity as my name. I'm not sure what my hobbies are. If you'd asked me a couple of months ago, I would have said it was exchanging memes and hate-watching America's Got Talent with Hailey. Now . . . now, I don't know.

Walking to my car, I realize just how much I relied on her. Now I kind of feel like one of those coloring books you find in the store next to the markers and color pencils. I feel like my life has as much color as one of them.

For as much as I should be glad to not be told how stupid my job is, or be told to not keep talking about my job because no one cares about it, I miss having someone other than my parents to tell about the weird customers I end up waiting on.

That's not to say that I don't have friends, because I do, but I only had one best friend.

I drive to work to start my day with the morning shift. It's not easy, but it's what I signed up for. I don't like early mornings after late nights, and I especially hate when we get someone new at my job. It's almost always a teenager that stays for a little while and then leaves when they get some money and see how hard working actually is.

Not to mention that they're normally kind of snarky. Especially in the mornings.

Walking into my job is always slightly surreal, even after two months, but at the same time it's a little like another home where I'm comfortable and see the same people all the time. For once, my memories leave me alone, even if it does mean I have to give more attention to the girl that's working there now.

As it turns out, it's not as bad as I thought it would be. She's actually sweet, kind, and intelligent. I manage to have more than one intellectual conversation with her that ends up with us talking about the different names groups of things have. For instance, a group of crows is called a murder and group of baboons is called a congress. She was able to tell me odd facts right off the top of her head.

By the end of her training shift, I saw a little bit of me in her. As she was leaving we realized we had a couple of mutual friends and made plans to hang out this weekend.

That made me feel pretty good about myself. I actually made plans that didn't involve Hailey, which I knew was a good first step towards figuring out who I was.

---

Have you ever noticed that the bad always seems to find you when you least expect it? Like how you could be having an amazing day, but the guy you're in love with walks in with another girl holding his hand. Or how the last person you want to speak to texts you.

That night, Hailey texted me for the first time. When my phone buzzed and all she said was 'hi', I was itching to text her back. The only thing that kept me from it was replaying the last time we talked. I didn't want a repeat of that. I didn't want to be hurt even more. So I left my phone alone on the kitchen table.

A couple of hours later, I came back. I couldn't stop myself from checking my phone. Nothing new. I opened Hailey's text and read it a hundred times, debating whether or not I should say anything. It was slowly eating me alive.

I was always telling people - and I truly believe - that when someone doesn't treat you as their equal, or fairly, or even with kindness, that you shouldn't keep on spending time with them. On an intellectual level, I knew I needed to take my own advice. But the thing is, I don't really care how someone treats me. I'm far more concerned with other people. Like if someone says even a word against my parents or my friends, I get mad at them. If I find out someone has been unkind to my friend, I immediately tell them to stop hanging out with the person because they don't care, because if they did it wouldn't have happened.

Putting it into practice myself was hard. Because the only person getting hurt by anything was me. And I didn't truly care that much about me.

So I found myself responding. Hi, I texted.

Can we talk?

What is there to say?

I don't really know, but I miss talking to you.

I frowned at my phone. If I were truly honest, I missed talking to her too, but I didn't miss being hurt. The Hailey I knew for the few months or so before she left wasn't the Hailey I knew all my life, but the Hailey that left hurt me more than anyone else ever had, except for the one time a guy broke my heart. I hated that feeling, and merely seeing her name on my phone brought all of those feelings back to the point my vision started to become blurry.

You should have thought of that. There's a lot you should have thought about.

What's that supposed to mean?

How are things going?

I finally have an apartment. I love being on my own.

Good for you. Work?

Waitress. Not the best job, but I get lots of tips.

I wasn't sure how to respond to that, but then she texted again.

It pays pretty good.

Good, I guess.

I'm not going to fail.

Never said you would.

But you were thinking it. I know you better than that.

I closed my eyes and rubbed them. I wasn't thinking that, but she did set herself up for it. So, because I was upset, I decided to give her a dramatic response.

Trust me, I know you'd rather die than admit defeat.

I don't know about that, but I'm not defeated. I won't be.

I sighed heavily. I wanted to put my phone down, but I couldn't. I couldn't stand the thought of just leaving the conversation. I was completely torn in two different directions, and I knew the best one but I couldn't even force myself down it.

What's the apartment like?

It's great. It's just me. Love it.

Sounds rather lonely.

It's not. You still live with your parents, so you can't understand. I feel free. Finally.

I frowned. It wasn't like she was a caged bird, or some sort of prisoner.

I'm still free - I just don't have to shell out a bunch of money on bills.

It's not the same. Your parents can still tell you what to do.

They don't, and I know your parents didn't. Do you even talk to them?

Why should I?

Because they love you. Because they're worried.

Stop trying to tell me what to do. You need to stop trying to control me.

I typed out several angry texts before deciding to be the bigger person and turned my phone off without responding to her. At least one of us had to act mature, and if she wasn't going to, I knew it had to be me.

---

It's funny, you know, how, once you're close to someone, you never really stop being close to them. They're never far from your thoughts unless you force them to be. The guy that hurt me still crossed my mind at random times, but I couldn't help it. He rarely invaded me, but that was because I trained myself to force those thoughts away to the point I now do it without really even thinking about it.

But I had fresher wounds. It was nearly two months since Hailey left, which meant I still wasn't entirely able to force those thoughts away.

I was sitting in my car while I was on break one night, scrolling through my Twitter feed. I saw a picture that said, "My cooking is fabulous. Even the smoke alarm is cheering me on!" That was all it took for me to remember all the times we'd made pizza or cookies or our one failed attempt at kale chips when we were determined to eat healthier, something that failed within a week.

We had so many good times that it almost drowned out the bad. Still, there comes a time when a lot of little nothings add up to something, and I was beginning to see those little nothings all through the years. Especially the one time she'd stayed at my house and cried while telling me she was scared that no one loved her except for me. I kept telling her I did, and I always would. No matter what, she was my sister. After a little while she ended up crying herself to sleep and then apologized the next morning.

I thought about that while I sat in my car. Even now, even though I'm mad and hurt, I still feel like she's my sister. There's no reason for me to still think of her that way, in fact there's a lot of reasons for me to dislike her, but still.

An incoming text disrupted my thoughts. An invitation from my friends to spend the night, watch a few movies, and just have fun. I smiled a little as I responded. I get off at 8, but I'd love to come.

---

As the next few weeks pass by, I begin to realize that I have friends that might be more like best friends than I've ever had. I care for them, and, in return, they care for me. By doing things with them, I start to figure out who I am, what I like, and what I don't really care for. They don't even know it, but they help to color me in.

I'm still concerned about Hailey, but I'm reluctant to text her. I know that I probably ought to, but I can't bring myself to do it. Every conversation for the last few months have all ended the same way: an argument. She said they were all my fault, that I started them, but I only started a few by accident. They were mostly due to me trying to help her understand something, but she didn't want me to explain anything because she liked thinking what she thought and didn't want to think differently.

Still, I felt bad about ignoring her. So at the end of those few weeks, I broke down and texted her. It was a simple 'how are you' but that was what I wanted to know. I was worried about her, and I knew the only way I would stop being worried was if I asked her.

I went about my normal routine as I got ready for a late shift at the Bell. Hailey never answered me, but that wasn't unusual. Even before she left she would sometimes take a long time to get around to me. Unlike me, she would spend time with other people. For me, it was outside of my comfort zone. Besides, she was the only one who wanted to do anything with me. Well, now I had more than one person who wanted to do stuff with me, and I was glad I had to force myself out of my comfort zone. It meant I now had three best friends instead of one, even if it hurt to get to this point.

Life doesn't care, though. Life is something we all have and we need to hold on to it - no one ever said it cared or that it was fair. Sometimes it liked to mess with you, throwing you things that you'll have a hard time catching, and that's just if it doesn't outright hit you and knock you down. What it throws isn't always funny.

Which is why I wasn't laughing when I heard the doorbell ring. Especially when I answered it and found Hailey on the other side.