Hey guys, it's been a good stressful while. I'm struggling and I still have time to write about it right now, so I wouldn't blame you if you thought it wasn't as bad as I might make it seem, but to me, it's really difficult, so... Sorry for not being here, even if no one reads this 

I'm a junior in high school,

 "the hardest year will be senior year!"  

I will say truthfully, it isn't. Junior year has killed me. 

Everything started fine, me and my boyfriend worked on assignments together and would turn them in, I could muster a smile through out the day. And I hardly warned about some person who might come at me, because it was a fresh start, and I was making the best of it. 

It wasn't even a week into school before we started getting piles of work, a lot of people could handle it, but me? It was like throwing a bone to a  amputated dog. I could try and get it done, but I only could scratch the tip of the bone. 

 My english teacher, Wonderful person, truly. But her level of where she wants us right off the bat?

11 fonts, Arial lettering, number your pages with your last name and number, 1.5 spacing, and at least a page worth of work. 

She wanted that. 

She wanted that the first week of school when all of my schooling years, I've been doing 12 fonts, new times roman, 2 space and a page worth of work. 

It doesn't seem like much difference, but it's how on point she wanted it, you have the font 10 instead of 11? Docked points! Colored letters? Docked points! Don't space your writing as she says? Docked points!

Anything, and everything she'll stick into your face as docked points.

Oh, and before I forget. If you turn your assignment in the day of it being due, but she doesn't see it? She'll count it late and waits until the final grading day before she puts that assignment in. 

Now my US History teacher? He's great too! Personality is perfection in a way. Really cool, not phone glued guy.... but he sucks at getting knowledge in my head, like stuck. Only thing I can remember off the bat is Andrew Jackson, John Adams, and slaves. All different lessons. 

He isn't as bad as the English teacher, but if you don't turn a assignment in? He will not accept it. And I'm cool with this! But the issue is, quizzes every week. I failed every signal one because he always moves the day of the test, or I study but when the quiz is in front of me, all the questions are completely off! 

" what was the  Missouri compromise? " 

Weren't we studying Hamilton and Jackson?

But school isn't my only stressful object. My boyfriend, he's started to get really bad. 

He can't stand to be alone or not on call with me, and I'm a huge introvert! Calls for 8 hours a day almost? That's over kill! But because I'm such a introvert, I'm terrified to say anything... he's always mad on call, or playing games, and when he does actually notice me on a call he asks what do we talk about?

I love this man to death, but he can get so stressful for me as he is such a child. He can't understand that my time isn't all his, I want a job, and I have after class events I might want to see! But he always flips out, one point so badly he stabbed his fore arm. In front me. In front of our friends, and in the middle of class. 

That really killed me. Most people would scream to me to leave him, but I couldn't. I really thought about it but instead said that if he were to harm himself, me, or even possibly my children in the future ( when I have them.) that I wouldn't think about leaving, I'd pack up without a word and leave. 

And since, he's actually been better holding his temper. And when ever he screws up, I tell him. We even talk about how to fix it, and it's better then his bad temper of stabbing his arm in with a pencil. 

Jumping from the topic of my bad tempered lover, my father isn't much better. 

He never harmed himself or myself physically, but sure as hell emotionally. He is a professional driver, so when I get freaked out about something driving wise, I feel as if I let him down every time and he even admits it.

One time, the tractor, it scares me due to it's loud engine. So I'm calming myself down before I try to turn the machine on and dad is next to me rushing me. " hurry up, I'm right here." Etc. 

but when I eventually turn the tractor on, The first thing I hear is The tractor, but I soon then hear high pitched squealing, and stupidly  asked my dad what it was. ( keep in mind, I plan to be a vet... I care about animals.) 

"It's probably a bat stuck in the engine." 

This terrifies me, I started to freak out. All that time I spent to relax and calm down wasted, I started saying how I couldn't do it, but before I could regain any calmness, I hear my father yell

" GET the Fuck off the machine!" 

And this stand me before pure fear drove me to unbuckle, and jump past my dad and run. 

I was in the forest before I knew it. The dogs were barking at me and I couldn't help but keep walking deeper until I couldn't hear anything. I spend hours outside and I didn't go back until dark rolled around. 

There was dad. I was ready to hear him complain about how stupid I was, because that's all I was telling myself during those hours. 

Even writing about it is making me want to leave the house and hide alway. 

But he in the end explained himself, and I guess it was the first ' real ' moment with my father.

Him crying and blaming everything on himself, and me too choked up to talk. 

I'm pretty stupid as a person, truly. 

Everything scares me... I'm a bad pea, I growl more then I purr. I through punches more often then I pet. 

I'm paranoid... I can be replaced any moment. 

I can get my string cut at any second, but why it hasn't happened? I don't know. 

This will probably be my last post here, Good bye you guys.