So… I’m officially in a relationship and every time I think of that I tremble like a little bird. I’m sure of what I feel towards Ed and probably my feelings grow stronger with each day, but I still don’t fully trust myself. I’m always scared that I may screw things up and every day the fear of losing him becomes stronger and more terrifying.

Ed is sweet, he understands that I can’t just be like any other girl and that I’m awkward every time we are together, I’m not sure how to act. He laughs at my antics and tells me to just relax and go with the flow, that soon it will come naturally. “Stop thinking about it, be yourself,” he tells me and my only response is to hug him.

I like that. I really love hugging him. I like how his arms feel around me, keeping me close and holding me tightly. I like the way his body fits with mine, or when he just kisses me out of the blue, or when he messes with my hair. I don’t like when he tickles me and he quite enjoys that, though at the end I laugh so much it hurts so it’s not that bad.

We don’t spend that much time together, I mean, we have been a week together and I’ve seen him only three times. He’s a busy lad and I’m working hard to get my degree and get noticed by an Publishing house. Probably the same that works with Mila. Terry is helping me to get a job there when I finish Uni as her assistant. I really want to be an editor.

Ed is soon going to America for a few weeks and Mila asks me if I’m worried, but I’m not. It’s his job, it’s what he loves the most. I know I’m going to miss him, but he has to go and I have to stay. He asked me if I wanted to spend Christmas with him but I refused.

The lads will go to America and they come back before Christmas, and when they come back, Ed leaves so he will be spending the Holidays in America. This year my family allowed me to stay here in London and I don’t have to go to see them.

This is the thing: I don’t like Christmas. In my family that day is always awful, somehow we always end up fighting and I hate that Mum and my sister care so much about the presents and that stuff. So it’s a relief to be able to stay here, even if Mila will go visit her family and I’ll be left alone, I know I’ll be better like that. That’s why Ed asked me to go with him, at least during winter break but I said no.

“Why no?” I remember he asked me that day.

“Because it’s your tour, I don’t want to distract you or anything. Then you’ll come back and we can spend time together. For now you need to concentrate in your career and I don’t want to bother you,” is what I told him.

“But I want you to be there with me,” he insisted.

“Maybe a couple of days, but not the whole winter break,” I gave in a little bit and he smiled wrapping his arms around my waist and kissing my cheek.

“For New Year’s?” I just chuckled at the way he asked it and nodded.

So I’ll spend New Year’s with him and Christmas alone. And that’s perfect for me.

Now… What about the lads? What have they say about Ed and I getting together? Let me put it this way: I’ve been on the spot for the whole week. They tease me all the time and congratulate Ed, they have called him in front of me just to tell him well done. I’ve wanted to kill myself a couple of times already. Harry and Zayn are the worse. Zayn sides with Mila and chant OTP and all that stuff, so yeah, payback all the time with those two.

But despite they laugh at me, I know they are all happy for me. Mila being the happiest.

“So, what do you wanna do for your birthday?” Ed asks me one day during the first week of December when we are in his flat. He’s writing a song and I’m writing a paper for my Creative Writing class.

“How do you know my birthday is coming?” I ask looking at him this time.

He’s on the sofa whilst I’m in a very weird position on the loveseat with Rose –my MacBook– on my lap. Ed chuckles whilst strumming the strings of James II. “Mila told me,” he confesses and I roll my eyes. Of course Mila was going to tell him. “So? Something in mind?”

“I dunno. I don’t care, really. I never care,” I answer and it’s his turn to roll his eyes.

Leaving James II aside, he rises to his feet and approaches to me. Ed kneels next to me so our eyes are at the same height. “Why don’t you care?” he asks me and I look away a couple of seconds.

That’s something he likes to do: to ask me why. He knows that I always have a reason to do and believe things, even if it’s for the first time, I know why I’m doing things. If it’s an impulse, after that I’ll think of what led me to that.

“Uh, I just don’t care. It’s a birthday, I have one every year. I don’t think it’s special, it’s just like any other day. If you want to do something special, you don’t have to use a birthday as excuse. You can do it whenever you want,” I explain and he strokes my hair softly. “Plus, I don’t like people’s attention and it’s bound to happen when it’s your birthday, everyone is paying attention to you. I think that’s why my sister cares so much, she loves attention. She makes sure everyone knows her birthday is coming. Well, that and the presents,” I giggle and Ed is smiling.

“I always pay you attention,” he tells me and I chuckle.

“I know, even when I’m just saying nonsense. You’re weird,” I tell him and it’s his turn to laugh. He leans in and kisses my temple.

I adore it when he does that. It makes me feel loved.

“So that means I can do something special for you whenever I want. I don’t need excuses like birthdays or things like that,” he states in a questioning tone.

“Well, basically yes. I don’t like excuses. The same with presents. Why wait for birthdays or Christmas to give a present? If you feel like it and you can, then give the present,” I tell him and he nods, taking mental note of what I’m saying.

That’s one of the things I like so much about Ed. He listens, he really does listen. He pays attention and I know that he keeps with him the things that matter.

“Good. Then how long until you finish this paper?” Ed asks and I furrow my eyebrows.

“Uh, a few minutes. I’m about to finish. Why?”

“Because we’re going out. I’ll take you somewhere special.”

I laugh raising my hand to cup his face softly and lean in to kiss his lips.

* * *

“I’m gonna miss you,” he tells me when we’re in the airport, his arms tightly around me keeping me close.

“Me too, but I’ll see you soon,” I remind him and he nods. After all, in a week I’ll be flying to America to be with him for New Year’s.

“I don’t like knowing that you’ll spend Christmas alone,” he says and I shake my head.

“Trust me, I’ll be fine. I need some time completely alone,” I answer but he stills looks unsure. “I’ll be fine. I’ll read many books. Wanna bet?”

“I’m sure you will, and you won’t leave your bed and you’ll only drink tea. I know you,” he tells me and I giggle.

“Tehee, yep that’s me. And if the book is good, you’ll have to read it,” I add seriously and he chuckles.

“Will do, ma’am!” he kissed my forehead and I close my eyes, enjoying the contact of his lips on my skin. “And if you need something, anything, call me. Okay? I don’t mind the time.” I nod though I know I won’t do it. I just can’t put my necessities first, even if I really need to talk to him I don’t think I’ll call him because I don’t want to interrupt something or take some of his time to rest. “Promise that you’ll call me if you need me,” he insists, probably seeing that even if I nod, it doesn’t mean that I will actually do it.

“I’ll try,” I say and he shakes his head.

“Moni, I want it to be clear that you can count on me. That no matter what, I’ll be there for you. Do you understand that?” he inquires and I feel my chest tightening at his words.

There’s only one person in this world in which I trust that way, that I feel like I can call her in any moment because she can do that as well, and that person is Mila. In all my life, only with her I’ve felt like that and now Ed is asking me to trust him like that. But it’s hard, because I care so much about him and I don’t want him to worry about me when I can handle my own problems on my own.

A relationship is sharing, not only the good moments but the bad ones, as well. I remember his words a few weeks ago. If I want him to trust me that way, I have to trust him as well.

“I’ll try,” I tell him honestly. I know he’s about to argue, so I hurry to say, “that’s all I can do for now. I can’t promise you that I’ll call you immediately because I’ll try to solve things on my own first, but I’ll try. Okay? I know I can trust you, that you’ll be there when I need you.”

“I will,” he states and I smile.

“Now go, you have thousands of people to impress with your talent. I’ll see you soon,” I tell him standing on my tiptoes to kiss his lips softly.

He hugs me tighter and kisses me deeper, asking me for more than just a kiss goodbye and I give in, even if we’re in the middle of the airport and I hate PDA, I just kiss him with all I have.

“See you soon,” he says when we break the kiss, his lips still close to mine.

“Good luck and let me know when you get there, okay?” he nods and kisses me again. Several quick kisses.

We break the embrace and step back, our eyes always on each other and I’m smiling. Soon, he has to turn around and walk away from me to board his plane. I stay there until I can’t see him anymore.

-:-:-:-

I hope you liked it. The following chapters are really sweet, this story doesn't have much drama. Next update on Saturday, so keep voting and commenting! I love reading your opinions.

Dedication goes to @snapbacknialler because you were really nice to me in the previous chapter.

Bel, xx