I run into the flat, Zayn and Mila jump on the sofa, scared because of the way I storm into the room, panting like I’ve just ran a marathon. I kind of did that. I ran from Ed’s flat to mine and Mila’s. I had to, I couldn’t stay there and if I took a bus or taxi, that would’ve given me time to think and I’m not ready to think.

I’m terrified. I ran away like a disgusting little coward and I’m ashamed of myself, but I didn’t have another option in that moment.

“Zayn, leave. I need Mila,” I say still panting and fighting to catch my breath. Both of them look at me confused and Mila is the first to catch there’s something wrong with me, that I’m at the edge of a panic attack.

“But I thought you were on a date with Ed. What happened–?” he asks leaving the question hanging whilst examining me, as if in that way he’s going to find the answer. And he does. “Oh my God! I see! That’s why you need Mila. Well done, Moni. I never thought it was going to be that fast, I mean, isn’t it just your second date?” he teases me and I feel like digging a hole to hide there until the end of the world.

Is it that obvious? How did he read me so easily?

“Zayn, stop it!” I beg him with my cheeks burning and the lump in my stomach making me sick.

“Oh, look at you! The guys need to see this,” he states, oblivious to how mortifying this situation is for me. I’m in a crisis, I need my best friend and Zayn is only torturing me.

“Zayn, cut it off now,” Mila intervenes and he looks at her shocked.

“What? When she bullies me is okay but I can’t bully her?” he inquires and Mila only looks at him severely. “Fine,” he gives in pouting and stands up. He is about to say something to me, but he now sees the pain I’m in this time and keep it for himself. “Bye,” he adds kissing Mila goodbye and patting my shoulder when he walks past me.

“You okay?” she asks me from the sofa and I have a lump in my throat. I feel I’m going to burst out in any moment. I can’t utter a word, so I just shake my head and practically jump to the sofa, demanding for a hug and hiding my face in her chest, my eyes burning for all the unleashed tears. “Moni, what happened?” she asks again and I just hug her tighter. I can’t speak yet.

In my mind come all the things that happened in Ed’s flat. From the moment I walked in until I ran away like a coward after he kissed me. Oh gods, he kissed me. He looked me in the eyes with so much emotion, with so much sweetness like I was something precious, but I’m not. I’m just a weird girl who doesn’t know how to love again. I care about him, I care too much to make him go through this.

I am a mess.

All my wounds have healed over the years, but what happened so many years ago changed me and I don’t know if I’m capable of loving the way I did again. Even a little bit. I’ve been alone for so long, I’ve been with my heart only beating because that keeps me alive that I don’t know what to do now.

He cares about me. He looks at me the way I only dreamed about long time ago, but I don’t know what to do now.

My heart got so broken once that even though I put all the pieces together again, that silly part of me can’t work properly again. It just can’t. My heart is too scared to do so. And now Ed comes here, looking at me the way I wanted that boy long time ago to look at me, he smiles as if he had in front of him all what he needs and I can’t take that. I can’t let him feel like that for someone who doesn’t know how to love, someone who doesn’t even know how to be in a relationship.

“Ed kissed me and I gave in to that kiss, but that was a mistake,” I tell my best friend with my face still hidden in her chest.

“How can that be a mistake?” she asks me patting my back softly.

“Because it’s me! I saw his eyes, the way he looks at me, and he has feelings for me, but I’m just a mess. I don’t know how to be in a relationship and to love again scares me to death. I can’t be with him,” I confess, my heart aching so badly because I just want to be better. To be the girl Ed deserves, but I’m not. I’m not the girl for anyone.

“Moni, don’t say that! You just have to face your fears, and you know that! You are brave and you don’t give up without trying when it matters. And this matters! Come, look at me,” she asks me making me break the embrace and to look at her. “You’re better than what you think and maybe Ed can help you to fight your fears. You just can’t decide that this won’t work out without even trying,” she carries on.

“How can it work out when it’s about me whom we are talking about? You know me more than anyone, you know that I won’t be good for him,” I insist, but I wish I could be good for him. Just a little bit.

“Because I know you better than anyone: I believe you’re the girl for him and that he’s the guy for you. I think he could understand you and let you be. You know I love you and that I would never make you do something that I don’t think is the best. I honestly believe he’s the best,” she explains and I feel my eyes burning even harder.

I hate feeling powerless. There’s no thing I hate more than feeling powerless and in this moment I feel like the most insignificant creature, someone who doesn’t have any control whatsoever.

“What if I hurt him?” I ask her, my voice small and shaky.

“You think you didn’t hurt him already by running away?” she questions back and my heart twists in my chest. She’s right, I probably hurt him by escaping the way I did.

“See? I’m terrible!” I cry out so ashamed for what I did. I just shouldn’t have let him kiss me in the first place. That was my first mistake.

“No! That’s not the point, Moni. The point is that by running away from this and your own feelings you will indeed hurt him and you, but if you try you might get something beautiful.” I look at her still unconvinced. I can’t just believe I can be good for Ed. He deserves something so much better than me, someone who’s not terrified of having feelings for him. “Okay, let’s take a cup of tea and then you’ll go to sleep. You need a rest and tomorrow this will be clearer. Everything is going to be fine,” Mila promises and I want to believe her, but my pessimistic side doesn’t let me.

However, I accept her suggestion to a cup of tea and then I go to bed, but it’s a terrible night for me with all kinds of nightmares haunting me, not allowing me to sleep and get rest. By when Mila walks in my room with two mugs with steamy tea the next morning, I groan and curse because my night went by and I didn’t sleep at all, I’m just more tired and grumpy.

“How did you sleep?” she asks me, taking a seat next to me in my bed.

“I didn’t sleep,” is my answer as I take a sip of my tea.

“You don’t have to get up if you don’t want to,” she tells me and I sigh. I definitely don’t want to be part of the world today, but I don’t want to be alone in our flat. To be left alone with my thoughts is not a good idea. “I can stay with you,” she offers but I shake my head.

“I’ll be fine. I’ll probably sleep a bit now,” I tell her and she doesn’t look convinced, but she lets it pass.

Mila has to go to her publisher as the date of the release of her book is coming and they are sorting out the last details. I’d love to go with her, but I’m honestly of no use today. I can’t even think straight.

My phone goes off and I groan. I recognise the melody, I just changed it yesterday. It’s Ed and I know he has sent me a few texts already, but I haven’t replied anything. Mila looks at my iPhone and then looks at me. “Are you gonna pick it up?” she asks me and I shake my head. “Moni, you need to talk to him. At least explain it to him why you ran away like that last night.”

“I can’t. Don’t make me, please. Not now,” I beg and Mila looks at me with pity in her eyes, I can see it. She wants to do something to help me, but she can’t. I’m a mess and I’m not ready to sort out my problems.

“He’ll keep calling, y’know,” she reminds me and I sigh. I know he will.

I just can’t talk to him now. My mind is still a mess and Ed disarms me so easily I’m not sure if I can face him yet, not even on the phone. I just don’t trust myself.

“Can you tell him I went out and forgot my phone or something?” I ask her and she looks uncertain but she nods, so the next time he calls, Mila picks up.

“Sup, bitch?” she answers and I giggle softly at her. “Oh, I’m sorry, you’re no bitch. I’m sorry, you’re a teddy bear,” she rambles and I cover my mouth not to laugh at her antics. She’s doing that to make me laugh, I know it. “Um, she’s not available, in fact, she’s currently dead. I’m sorry,” she carries on and I can’t help the smile from forming on my lips. No one would believe her because she’s using that weird accent and her silly voice.

She listens to him and whatever he’s telling her. She even nods a couple of times.

“Yeah, I get it. It’s gonna be fine, Ed. By the way, good move last night!” she adds and my eyes widen in shock.

“Mila!” I cry out and she looks at me scared.

“Oh, sorry, she just came alive. Bye!” she hangs up and I’m about to hit her but she starts laughing hysterically and I just let it go. I just can’t be mad at her, no matter how much she embarrasses me. “Sorry?” she says tentatively and I just shake my head.

“Silly. I guess that’s what I get for being a scaredy-cat,” I say and she nods proudly. “Okay, I’ll be fine. Go and talk to Terry. Sort everything out and when you come back everything will be fine,” I tell her and she keeps staring at me for a couple of seconds.

“I’ll be back soon,” she answers hugging me tightly. “Try to get some sleep, okay?” she asks me and I nod. “See you soon, Moni.”

I nod and she stands up to walk out of my room leaving me alone there with my thoughts.

-:-:-:-

You'll know more about Moni's story later on, and about her tattoos as well. You'll know why she says she doesn't know how to love anymore.

Dedication goes to @HolyCher1 because she's lovely and I know this means a lot to her <3

Bel, xx