I know all this is really hard for her, I know the guilt in her eyes and the fear that she’s doing something wrong. Yes, I have insecurities about all this, sometimes I wonder if she really even feels like I do because it’s hard to tell when she’s not around, but then she looks me in the eyes and I know there’s no room for those questions. I see it in her eyes, strong and beautiful, I see love in her irises and I honestly don’t care if she never calls me when I’m abroad or if she’s not good at showing how she feels, her eyes tell me everything I need to know and I just can’t forget that.

I hold her tight because that’s all I need right now, to feel her against my body, closely pressed until there’s no room for air to pass between us. She hugs me back tightly hiding her face in my chest and breathing slowly. I want to ease her worries, I want her to know that things will be fine.

“Ed, may I ask you something?” she inquires, her face is still buried in my chest and I feel her fists gripping tightly my hoodie at my back.

“Anything you want,” I tell her, my hands going up and down on her back, stroking softly.

“Why do you like me? And please, don’t try to tell me I’m amazing or something like that. I know myself, I know what I am and what I am not,” she warns me and this time she looks up, her eyes boring into my skull.

“No you don’t,” I tell her and I see her offended expression. “You know who you are, but you’re too hard on you and you fail at seeing things about you that make you incredible. If I tell you that you’re funny, you’ll say that you’re not, that I’m only exaggerating. If I tell you that you have talent, you’ll say that it’s only practice. If I tell you that you’re sweet, you’ll say it’s because you’re in a good mood only and that you’re not sweet. If I tell you that you’re clever and witty you’ll only say that I’m exaggerating and that you’re dumb when you’re in fact not. You’re the fastest to recognise your flaws, and you’re the last one to recognise your virtues.”

“And that’s why you like me? Because I’m slow?” I know she’s only joking, but a part of her believes this so I shake my head.

“Nope. I like you because you are funny, talented, clever, witty, thoughtful, sweet, caring, stubborn, humble. Because you never believe me when I compliment you, which only encourages me to keep trying. Because you’re the first to laugh at yourself if you do something silly. Because you’re carefree and live your life without messing with others. Because you are you and I like you. Even more than that, Moni.” Her eyes are wide open, scared for what I’m going to say next but at the same time excited to hear the rest. “I love you,” I tell her, finally getting those words out of my mouth. The same words I’ve been holding back for many days already.

She tenses in my arms and I know she’s holding her breath, looking at me with shock in her brown eyes. I see incredulity in her look, disbelief and joy swirling in the chocolate sea, confusing her. Honestly, it’s hard to believe that she can’t understand why I love her when for me it’s so easy and simple. It’s just the way she makes me feel, the way she is and the way she looks at me with her big eyes, the way she feels in my arms when I’m holding her.

“I– I…” she mumbles and I wait, looking in her eyes, expecting for her to say it back. “I don’t– I don’t know if I– can I–” She swallows with difficulty and now I’m scared. I saw it, I saw in her eyes moments ago but what if I only saw what I wanted to see and she doesn’t love me back? “I– really like you, I care about you and I know you’re really important for me but I– I don’t know if I can love again. Not that way again.” I see her blinking a couple of times, quickly, and that makes me think that maybe she wants to keep the tears at bay because her voice sounds broken.

It hurts that she doesn’t say it back, but I know why she thinks she can’t love again. I understand why she’s acting like this.

“I told you I wasn’t good for you!” she cries out next stepping back and passing in the kitchen. “Here you are, saying that you love me and I’m not even capable of saying it back. I’m not capable of loving you! What kind of human being am I?! You shouldn’t be with me!”

She’s moving away from me and I have to do something before she keeps hating on her for something it’s not her fault. I step forward and I wrap my arms around her waist, pulling her against my chest and holding her tight. I know she wants me to let her go, she tries to get free but I don’t let her. I won’t let her loathe herself anymore.

“Don’t say that,” I whisper in her ear. “You can love, I know you can; you’re just stopping yourself because you’re afraid, but you don’t have to be afraid, Moni,” I carry on and she’s still stiff in my arms. “I’m not asking you to say it back now if you don’t feel it, I’m just asking you to stop thinking that you’re not capable of loving someone again.”

“I’m not,” she insists and I hug her tighter.

“Yes you are. I’ll never hurt you, Moni.” That is my promise.

“I know you won’t, but I’m the problem. How can you love me when I’m like this?”

“Because I know this is just a part of you, a part you’ll get over. But the question is, do you really wanna leave that part behind? Do you want to love again?”

I put my hands on her waist and make her turn around so I can see her eyes, red and teary, as if she’s about to cry and I hate seeing her like this, so vulnerable, broken. Moni, who’s always so strong, who can face anything… she breaks now.

“It’s scary,” she mumbles shaking in my arms.

“But you know it can be one of the best things in life.” As if on cue to my words, she grabs her right wrist where her tattoo is. “You’re brave, you can do it and you can take all the time you need.”

“You’re way too good for me,” she whispers leaning her head forwards, slowly relaxing in my arms until she lets her weight rest on my body, her arms loosely around my own waist and her forehead in in the crock of my shoulder. “You’re worth it,” she mumbles next and I know she’ll try and that’s what I wanted to hear.

* * *

After the tour in America, I get a one-week break and I try to spend most of that time with Moni. She comes to my flat every time she can, staying over some nights. Sometimes she only studies while I try to work on a new song, but we’re still together and every day she seems more comfortable with our relationship, slowly showing proofs of her feelings.

Sometimes she’s the one surprising me with a hug and stealing a kiss, or taking my hand while we’re at the table, entwining our fingers together and looking at me with sweet eyes before resuming her reading or whatever other thing she is doing. Sometime she sends me random texts when she thinks of me whilst she’s in Uni. I know she’s getting used to being with me and accepting me as part of her life, realising someone wants to have her around as well.

I know things are going great when I’m the first one she calls when she gets and A in the paper she was writing the day I came back from America.

“We have to do something to celebrate tonight!” I tell her over the phone and I swear I can hear her bouncing out of sheer excitement.

“But you have work to do. We can do something another day,” she tells me and I shake my head though she can’t see me.

“Don’t mind that. We can do something, the two of us or with the guys if you like. I bet they’re gonna be happy when they find out.”

“Mila will be really happy!” she giggles. “And yeah, she’ll want to do something as well. I’ll call her to tell her and I’ll let you know what we decide, okay?”

“Great, I’ll see you tonight,” I tell her.

“See ya,” and then she hangs up.

At the end, we decide to celebrate with a few of the guys. Mila, Zayn, Harry, Moni and I. Liam went out with Andy, Niall is with Alex and Louis is staying over at Eleanor’s, but it’s okay with just the five of us only. Moni is really happy and when I get to her flat she jumps to my arms hugging me tightly, extremely happy.

“Congrats,” I tell her still keeping her in my arms and not willing to let her go yet.

“Thanks. Come in, Mila and I have prepared a lot of things. I even made guacamole!” I look her with a huge grin on my lips. Her guacamole is her speciality, we all love it.

Everyone else is there and they all greet me warmly. We’re all at the table, laughing at different things and having a great time. Moni is really happy and every time she looks at me I know she’s glad I’m there with her. She treats me like she used to do, like I am just her friend and she is totally comfortable with me around, but at the same time it’s different. She looks at me in a different way, she touches me differently, her hands are softer on me.

We spend hours laughing, catching up with everything. It has been a while since we were all together, even though the other lads can’t join us, it’s nice to spend time with Harry and Zayn again.

“Ugh, it really sucks to be the third… uh, fifth wheel,” Harry complains when Zayn steals a kiss from Mila and I have Moni in my arms. Now we’re in the living room, chilling out.

“Then bring Hannah the next time,” Moni teases him and Harry sighs deeply. He really fancies that girl and I know it’s being difficult for him.

“I wish I could… Well, Ed will meet her tomorrow at the gig,” the curly-haired boy says and I remember the VIP passes I gave him the other time.

“Oh, but I wanna meet her too!” my girlfriend protests and I hug her tighter.

“And aren’t you gonna come with me tomorrow?” I ask her and she looks at me with a goofy grin.

“If you insist.” She laughs but Harry doesn’t seem quite amused that Moni will be there tomorrow, too.

“Uh, I have a bad feeling about this,” Harry mumbles and Moni just folds her arms, looking at him with her eyebrows arched. “I’ll see you tomorrow, I don’t wanna be the fifth wheel anymore.”

Harry says goodbye and leaves the flat. “I’m gonna wash the dishes then. Zayn, come with me, please,” Mila asks and the black-haired boy stands up and walks with her to the kitchen, leaving Moni and I alone.

“I’m glad you came tonight,” she tells me cuddling next to me.

“We had a great time and I always like spending time with you,” I tell her bringing her a tad bit closer to me.

“Ed,” she calls in a whisper and I look at her, but she has her eyes locked on her hands. “Remember when I asked you why you like me?” I nod carefully, trying to guess why she’s mentioning this. “I never told you why I like you.” She smiles, looking shyly at me this time. “These past few weeks I’ve been thinking about it, listing the reasons why I feel the way I feel towards you. You’re incredible, you know that? There are so many good things about you and it just makes it more unbelievable that you like me, but it’s not only for who you are, but the way you make me feel.”

Moni takes a deep breath before carrying on, I don’t even dare to interrupt her.

“When I’m with you I feel safe, I feel comfortable to be myself, with insecurities and strengths. I’m not scared when I’m with you, I just have to let it be. When I’m with you I feel special, valuable, loved and now I realised how much I wanted to feel like that for so long. You, Ed… you make me feel better with myself and that has never happened before and when I realised that, I realised something else.”

“What else?” I ask, my own heart beating like crazy.

“That I fell for you like I didn’t expect to fall but I don’t regret anything about it, because I– I love you, Ed.”

For a second it seems like the whole world has stopped as I hear her say it, her eyes confident and determined when she’s looking at me with a smile playing on her lips. I know she’s not saying it because I said it first or just to please me. She says she loves me because she feels it.

I don’t say anything back, I just kiss her with all I have, trying to put into that kiss all I feel for her. Everything that she makes me feel, all the love I have inside just for her.

“I love you, too,” I whisper against her lips, holding her face in my hands.

Smiling, she adds “and you know what? I’m not scared anymore.”

I smile like a fool because those words mean even more than when she told me that she loves me, those words mean she has left that part of her behind, and she’s finally and completely moving on from what happened in her past. And I can’t be happier to know that I am the one who helped her.

Without losing my smile, I kiss her again. Finally, it feels like we’re ready to grow together as a couple. She’s not like a little bird in my arms when I tell her I love her anymore; she’s just her, Moni, with her strengths and weaknesses and nothing to hold her back anymore.

-:-:-:-

And it's over. I really want to thank you all for reading this very personal story of mine. I'm so happy you liked it, I mean, I can't even express how happy you made me with all your comments and kind words. You can still read the epilogue, though.

This dedication goes to @theagjensen because I know it means a lot to her. I can't not to end the story, but I can give you this.

Bel, xx