My heart is hammering against my ribcage and I can’t stop fidgeting with my fingers, anxiety eating me alive from my very core. I can’t wait for the moment I see him walking towards me, his cute and awkward smile, his ginger hair in that messy way I just love, his black glasses helping him to see better and the bag on his shoulder. I’ve missed him so much it hurts. I know it has been less than a month but it feels like a part of me was missing and now it’s finally returning to me. I even finished a paper before coming here to the airport so I could have all the free time to spend it with him.

Sometimes, when I catch myself thinking these things, or missing him the way I’ve missed him, I get scared because I know I’m falling too hard and too fast. Too soon he’s become an important part of my life, someone I need next to me and that is scary because I don’t know for how long I’ll have him with me. Maybe he’ll get bored of me or he’ll realise I’m not the right girl for him, that there’s someone better suited for him out there and he’ll leave me but I’ll have all these feelings inside and I’ll feel like I’m falling apart. Again. And I’m scared of that, of falling for him to lose him the next moment.

But I can’t help it; I can’t stop my heart from beating for him. I guess that’s my curse, always feeling too strongly. When I care about someone, I care with all my heart. When I love, I love with all I have inside and that’s why when things don’t work out I’m left broken on the floor.

I know Ed would never hurt me on purpose, but sometimes the biggest wounds are not made intentionally.

I forget all my pessimistic thoughts when I see him, his ginger hair shining with all the lights in the airport and I can’t help the smile from coming to my lips as my heart sprints in my chest, ready to win another race on CSR Racing. He finds me among the crowd and a smile of his own appears on his face as well and I see him speeding up as I start walking towards him as well, dying to wrap my arms around him burying my nose in the crock of his neck until I’m drunk of his scent.

The moment we meet, I’m almost running and I throw myself at his arms as he lets his bag hit the floor to wrap his own arms around me to keep me close. I can’t utter a word when his lips are over mine, kissing me hungrily and I just reply with the same intensity. It feels like I haven’t had him like this in months.

“Jesus, I’ve missed you so much!” he exclaims giving me quick pecks on my lips. “I swear this flight took longer than any other I’ve been on before.”

“But you’re here now. Welcome back,” I reply hugging him back and closing my eyes tightly as I hide my face on his shoulder. “You tired?” I ask pulling back a tiny bit, just to look him in the eyes.

His arms are still around me and from the corner or my eye I see Stuart with all the other members of Ed’s crew picking up luggage and making their way to the exit. Ed kisses my forehead bringing my attention back to him again and the feeling of his lips on my skin makes my mutant butterflies go insane.

“I’m dying to go home. Will you come with me?” he asks me in that shy voice, his eyes still unsure.

I feel bad because I know he must doubt my feelings for him, and I don’t blame him. I barely called him during his tour in America and even though sometimes it was because I really didn’t have the time, sometimes I just couldn’t make myself take the phone and dial his number. I just can’t be like that, I try but it doesn’t come naturally for me and I feel like he will realise that I’m forcing myself to be like that when I’m not. I wish I could be like any of the other girls, just calling him when I miss him, forgetting about everything but I can’t, I can’t forget about all the things he has to do, all his responsibilities and before everything, his wellbeing is first and I have to respect his job and duties. I can’t just put my necessities before his. That’s not me and that will never be.

“Of course, I even finished my paper on time just to spend this time with you,” I tell him softly and looking into his eyes.

I wish he could see all what I feel for him inside without the need to give him proves, but that’s not how human beings work. People need reassurance of what happens and what other people feel for them and I’m terrible at showing how I really feel.

“And do you think Mila will let you stay with me tonight?” His voice is small and I hear the hope in his words, discretely pleasing me to go and stay with him.

“She’s staying at Zayn’s tonight so I don’t think she’ll have any problem, beside, I’d love to stay with you,” I answer him and his smile is bright and oh so happy.

“Sweet, I have so many things to tell you,” he trails off joyfully and I step back slowly sliding my hand through his arm until I read his hand.

“Then let’s go. I’ll cook something for you, okay?” I promise and his smile is even brighter.

Ed picks his things up from the floor and we walk outside the airport where Stuart and other people are waiting for them to join him in the van. They make room for me as well and soon we set off and during the whole ride, Ed doesn’t let go of my hand. Only when he has to pick up his bags I have my hand back and I help him to carry things to his flat again.

As he leaves his things in his room, I go to the kitchen to see what he has that could be used to make some dinner and it’s no surprise to see there’s almost nothing. “You need to go to the grocery shop, Ed,” I shout from the kitchen hoping he’ll hear me.

“We can go tomorrow if you have time,” he answers stepping into the kitchen and approaching me while I keep looking for something to cook.

“When I finish with my classes tomorrow we can go. You really need a lot of stuff,” I trail off distractedly, I don’t even notice when he’s behind me until he wraps his arms around my waist and brings me closer until my back is pressed against his chest and his head is next to me.

I close my eyes for a few seconds, just enjoying his presence, his warmth embracing me the same way his arms hold me close. “We can order pizza if you want,” he proposes and I sigh.

“That sounds okay. Maybe I can cook something for you tomorrow. What do you think?”

“I’d love that,” he answers kissing my cheek slowly. “I’m more than fine with having you with me.”

He hugs me tighter and my heart aches for how much I’ve missed him and it feels so wonderful to have him back with me again. I know I started to fall for him –really fall, more than just a platonic love– from a long time ago, maybe since the moment I met him in person and we started to spend some time together, but since he kissed me the first time all my feelings for him have grown stronger with every day that passes.

I turn around in his arms looking for his eyes and my hands rise to touch his face, softly caressing his skin with the beard of a few days already. I lean in to kiss his lips even softer than my fingers touch his face, slowly savouring his lips and drinking from the taste of his kiss.

“I’m sorry for not calling you often and for whatever that made you think,” I whisper lowly, my hands still cupping his face tenderly. “I wish I could tell you that it’s going to change, that I’ll show you how much I care about you, but I can’t. I honestly can’t,” I carry on and for a few seconds I see a shadow of dread crossing his beautiful and so captivating blue eyes, the same eyes I love.

“But maybe we–”

“Nope,” I cut him off and I feel him tensing next to me, his arms holding me tighter. “I just can’t be like that. It’s not in me- I can’t be this warm person who has no problem showing how she feels. I hide everything under a tough image, dark sense of humour and carefree attitude. But I feel, I feel so strongly it’s not even funny, it’s scary. But I can’t give you proof of that as you may want or even need.”

I still see fear in his eyes and I don’t want to see that in his eyes, so I lean in a peck his lips again before carrying on.

“My mum raised us to be independent. She never was the loving type of mother, the kind that gives you kisses and hugs you all the time, the kind that kisses you goodnight every night or reads you bedtime stories. She always cared about us, I always knew that, but she never showed us how much she loved us with things like that so I didn’t grow up with that kind of example as other kids did, probably you, right?” I tell him and he nods, confusion shining in his eyes. “What I’m trying to say is that I can’t be expressive with my feelings, it doesn’t come naturally and I’m really sorry if that makes you doubt sometimes, or all the time but I want you to know something, Ed and I want you to look in my eyes and make sure that I’m being a hundred per cent honest.”

He obeys, his eyes are boring into my very soul and I take a deep breath before resuming my speech. “I care about you, more than a lot, I really do. You’re becoming more and more important to me every day and I don’t want you to forget that. Even if I seem cold and detached, I want you to remember that inside I have so many feelings but I just don’t know how to show you that.”

The last thing I want to do is hurting him, and that’s why I’m trying to make him see that it’s not because I don’t care about him that I don’t call him or anything like that, it’s just because I don’t know how to be natural at expressing my feelings.

“Even if we’re not together anymore,” –which is highly possible to happen soon, I add in my mind– “I want you to know that I’ll always care for you, even if we don’t speak ever again.”

For moments that seem to extend forever, no one says a thing though I can see the emotions dancing in the blue of his eyes. He opens his mouth as if trying to say something, but then he closes it again and looks at me more intently.

Apparently incapable of finding the words to say, he kisses me and this time is different. There’s so much passion and longing in this kiss, so much intensity I feel like it may burn us down. I hold on to him for dear life, as if him is all what I need.

“When in doubt I’ll just have to look into your eyes,” he whispers before lowering his head to kiss me again.

-:-:-:-

Dedication to @Kenzie_Ginger23 because she's one of my most loyal readers. She always comments and she really likes this story. Thank you for sticking by my side all this time.

Bel, xx