30 June, 2024

~Colette~

I wasn't sure that I really wanted to see the Lupins ever again. Having to watch the disappointment, maybe even disgust, appear in their eyes as I admitted the things I'd done? I'd only just gotten used to the idea that these people cared about me before I'd been arrested, and now I'd gone and ruined all of it.

Of course, I'd tried to explain that to Astra, but it had been like trying to explain neuroscience to a toddler. I couldn't tell if Astra was just oblivious to my discomfort or had been purposefully ignoring it, but either way, she'd insisted on me coming along with her to see them today despite my protestations. Apparently two weeks was the limit of how far I could push Mrs. Tonks' patience.

Mrs. Tonks had at least listened, even if she hadn't seemed to get it, either. I supposed I could chalk her quick forgiveness up to old age; perhaps she'd had lost too many people over the course of her long life to give up on anyone very easily. That didn't make me feel any better. In fact, Mrs. Tonks' insistence that I was still more than welcome, still family, just worked to make the whole situation much, much worse.

The truth was, I was trying to put as much distance between all of them and myself as I could. Despite what they were saying, I had plenty of experience in disappointing people. I knew how they would react eventually, once they got over the excitement of having me back and realized the depths of depravity I'd reached at my lowest. The things I'd done would probably haunt me for the rest of my life, as they should. Mrs. Tonks and Astra just didn't understand, not yet. But they would eventually, and I was determined to not let myself be hurt by it when they inevitably pushed me away. I was going to feel nothing at all, just like every other time.

"Oh Merlin, Charis has grown so much!" Astra gushed. We were waiting in the kitchen for Mrs. Tonks to come down before we left for the Lupins' flat. While I was sitting at the table, trying not to glare into my cup of coffee, Astra was literally bouncing around the room. At least she was feeling enough excitement to almost make up for the dread growing in my stomach.

Astra plopped down into the chair next to me so suddenly that I almost jumped. Instead, I just glanced up, keeping my expression in the carefully-crafted stoic frown I'd been wearing all the time lately. Back when we were younger, this look had initially made Astra label me as cold and unfeeling, and later as logical but emotionless. Unfortunately, it didn't seem like she believed it was real anymore.

Like right now, when she was just peering at me with a sorrowful frown. "Oh, come on, you're not even excited to see Charis?"

I considered not answering. Of course I wanted to see Charis, but even if I was going to be honest about what I was feeling, I couldn't say I was excited. I looked down at my coffee once more, then shrugged disinterestedly. "I told you, I'd rather not go."

"They've been waiting so long, Colette," Astra said pleadingly. She reached for my hand, and I quickly moved it into my lap, under the table. Astra winced, but otherwise didn't acknowledge that. "Listen... we were all devastated that we couldn't get you and Al out at the same time. And I know Teddy's going to tell you the same thing, but I'm so sorry you got left behind."

I blinked at her for a moment. Had Astra lost her mind? Did she really think that was what I was upset about? "Are you kidding?"

Astra faltered, seeming like she could sense she'd said something wrong but having no idea what. "I... no? I just know Albus—"

"I'm not bitter that Albus got rescued. I'm very glad about that." I shook my head, hardening my expression. "The fact that you think that's what's bothering me just proves you don't understand it at all."

"They're not going to disown you, Colette."

I didn't point out that that was obvious. Since I wasn't legally related to anyone, I couldn't be disowned by them. That clearly wasn't what Astra had meant, though, and being pedantic might make this conversation last even longer when all I wanted to do was brood in silence. Instead, I just rolled my eyes and looked away. "You wouldn't get it."

"What don't I get? You've told me everything. Merlin, I saw what your spell did to Stillens. What's it going to take for you believe that I'm not leaving? None of us are."

Thankfully, Mrs. Tonks walked in at just that moment, taking away the need for me to answer that. Instead, I just got up, ignoring the concerned look Mrs. Tonks and Astra exchanged, and walked towards the door.

Maybe it was better to get this over with, I reasoned as we walked outside. I would explain everything in horrible detail now, this once, and they'd all realize that I was too far gone. I'd face their collective disappointment, anger, hurt, all at once, and then it would be over.

After that, I had my plan in place. Being homeless with absolutely no resources wouldn't work for very long, but I was reasonably confident that Albus would be willing to help me. Maybe the Ministry would be willing to pay me a bit for my work this summer. I still didn't know how I'd undo all the damage I'd done, but at least I could keep working on a counter spell. They might hate me, but at least if I was useful enough I might be able to make it through the next few months. Even if the rest of the Potters didn't want me around Albus, I could possibly earn a place to stay until school started.

Of course, if Astra chose to go back and take seventh year too, that might complicate things, but maybe I could apply to go back Beauxbatons. Not that I expected Astra to cut me off, not really. Astra was an idiot with her second chances, after all. But the rest of them might feel better if I wasn't around to influence her.

By the time I apparated to the landing outside the Lupins' flat, Astra was already inside. I could hear the squeals, either from Astra or Charis (it was hard to tell) before the door swung closed again. That was a little weird, but I realized it had probably been intentional when I glanced around and saw that Mrs. Tonks was still on the landing, too.

"Colette," she said, her tone gentle and expression caring enough that I felt the mask nearly crack. I looked down for the moment it took to marshal it back onto my face, then glanced back up with what I knew from practice was a detached frown.

Mrs. Tonks pursed her lips as if something had saddened her. "They're so excited to see you, you know."

I shrugged a little, not sure whether that warranted a response. When I decided it didn't, I just looked away. Couldn't we get it over with?

Mrs. Tonks crossed the distance between us to put her hand on my shoulder, and I did my best not to flinch. With a deep sigh, Mrs. Tonks continued, "My dear, have I ever told you about my older sister?"

Confusion crossed my face before I could banish it. Of course I knew who Bellatrix Lestrange was, but that seemed highly irrelevant to the current situation. Unless this was her way of letting me know that she'd realized I was a monster...

When it became clear I wasn't going to say anything, Mrs. Tonks pressed on. "Bella and I were always so close when we were children. The day I was disowned, what truly broke my heart wasn't my parents' anger, but the disappointment and revulsion on her face. I never quite gave up on loving her, even after she'd joined the Death Eaters and essentially sworn to destroy my husband, me, and everyone like us. If she'd ever come to me with an ounce of remorse, recognizing the horrors she'd done, I would have forgiven her. I wanted that so badly."

I looked down at the floor, internally screaming at myself to not let the mask slip. If it did, I was going to cry, and I did not cry. However, Mrs. Tonks reached out and gently tilted my chin up. Though I knew I should have pulled away, something held me there, staring into Mrs. Tonks' sorrowful eyes. "If I felt that way about Bellatrix, with all the things she'd done, what makes you think I can't forgive you? When you're clearly remorseful, and committed to doing better? You never wanted to create that spell in the first place."

"She was your sister," I said dully. "Of course you felt that way about her, even if it wasn't rational."

"And you are my granddaughter," Mrs. Tonks said firmly. "There's nothing you can do that will change that. I'd say I'm being far more rational in this situation."

I froze in place, unsure if I'd actually heard that right. That was proof: Mrs. Tonks had to be going mad. Granddaughter? She was being ridiculous. At the very best, all I had ever been was a well-liked houseguest. This was far too extreme, especially now...

Mrs. Tonks had placed her hand on my shoulder again. "You're acting like you didn't know you're part of this family."

A shrug, trying to mask the fact that I was starting to feel completely miserable. The truth was that I did know Mrs. Tonks felt that way, or at least had once upon a time. It had been touching back then, and I'd really believed that it might last. But now no one was acknowledging that I'd ruined everything, ruined my chance at family. It was making this harder.

Stop caring, stop feeling, stop stop stop stop stop—

"I know what it is to be cast out by your family, my dear. I know you do, as well." Mrs. Tonks squeezed my shoulder comfortingly. "I will never do that to you."

I could only stare, though I felt a lump growing in my throat. Was it possible she actually meant that? It couldn't be, right? After a moment, I pulled back, shaking my head and trying to blink without being too obvious about it. "I'd like to get this over with," I muttered.

"Of course. I just wanted you to know that." Mrs. Tonks led the way to the door.

As soon as I stepped into the room, I was assaulted by a toddler. In spite of myself, I couldn't help a small smile as Charis wrapped her arms around my legs, practically yelling that Aunt Colette was here. That hurt, of course, but I wasn't going to make her feel bad by telling her to stop.

Teddy and Toire were grinning at me, too, which was less expected. They descended on me, hugging me tightly. I think I took it stoically, and even took Charis into my arms when Teddy pressed the kid on me. I had to blink again a few times when Charis threw her arms around my neck and let her hair turn black and blue.

"Colette, I'm so sorry," Teddy said, before I could do anything. "I wanted to get you out so badly, and I was doing everything I could, but it wasn't enough." He blinked, tears clearly pooling in his eyes, though he didn't seem to care. "I just... I'm sorry we left you there."

I regarded him for a moment, waiting until I knew I could inject complete indifference into my tone. To fill up some time, I set Charis down on the floor before shrugging. "It's fine. I'm glad Albus got out. He didn't deserve to be there."

Teddy and Victoire exchanged a concerned glance, and instead of pretending I didn't notice it I just narrowed my eyes. Victoire hesitated for a second after meeting my eye. "You didn't deserve to be there, either."

"Not then, maybe." Now I did turn away, not wanting to see the agreement cross their faces.

When I turned, I saw Astra holding the hand of a little girl who I'd only ever seen in pictures. She was giving me a very shy smile, though Astra was grinning widely. "Colette, may I finally introduce Cassie Williams-Lupin?"

I supposed that it was relieving to see that she really was safe, being cared for, in a place where she'd be loved. Now she was giving me the tiniest wave before taking a deep breath and saying, "It's very nice to meet you."

"Same to you." I nodded, trying not to be curt to her while also not letting the mask slip.

Victoire had crouched down next to Cassie and put a hand on her shoulder. "You remember what we told you about Aunt Colette?"

I tried not to wince as Cassie nodded quickly and clasped her hands together, seeming excited. "They told me you're very brave! And that you've made spells, which is really very hard. And that you stood up to the scar... I mean, to Stillens. He can't hurt or scare anyone anymore, thanks to you." She let out a breath, as if she'd rehearsed that, then smiled more warmly. "I really like your hair."

"Thanks." It wasn't that hard to manage a polite smile at her before shooting a frustrated look at Astra, Teddy, and Victoire. I didn't know which one of them had been telling her about me, but it wouldn't help her at all when I inevitably ended up out of her life after today.

The look on Teddy's face was a mixture between concern and confusion. Instead of saying anything to me, though, he walked over to Cassie and patted her head. As she looked up at him with a smile, and he smiled so warmly and proudly back that I had to look away. It was better not to see it all, right? Not know any more of what I was missing than I already did.

I barely looked up when Teddy said, "Cass, I think we might be about to have an adult conversation. Do you think you could keep Charis occupied in your room for a while?"

Cassie shot an unsure glance at me that faded as soon as she'd turned back Teddy. "Can I read to her?"

"Of course you can!" Teddy ruffled her hair a little, which made her giggle, before saying, "Hey, Charis! You want to go play in your room with Cassie?"

With much more dexterity than I'd been expecting her to have, Charis hopped (literally, across the room) over to Cassie with a grin. "Play Anna and Elsa?"

"I can read you our books about them," Cassie suggested, which made Charis clap her hands excitedly. In a few seconds, they'd disappeared down the hall, and Teddy turned back to me with a serious expression on his face.

This was it. They'd been acting happy and excited around the children, but now it was time to tell me what they really thought. I'd explain it all, face their rejection, then leave. It would be over. I just had to get through the next hour.

"Colette, do you want to sit on the couch?" Victoire had already moved towards it, and was gesturing to the place next to her. I shrugged; it really didn't matter, did it? Though I think she smiled at me as I crossed over to sit beside her, I ignored it.

Now all four of them were exchanging concerned looks as they sat down around the room. I rolled my eyes and waited for someone to say something.

Teddy obliged. "I know Gran already told you, but we're all happy you're back. We've all missed you."

"And it doesn't matter what things you think you've done," Victoire added. "We still love you all the same."

"Things I think I've done?" I raised an eyebrow at her, already annoyed. "Are you saying I don't know what I've done?"

"Well, no." Victoire winced. "That's not what I meant. Just that... it sounds like you're blaming yourself for a lot of things that you were forced to do. Things that aren't your fault."

I looked away, focusing on a spot on the floor halfway across the room. "I'm responsible for my own actions. The things I chose to do."

"Your only other option was to die," Astra said softly.

"Well, maybe I should have died." Before any of them could get on to me for being morbid, I shook my head. "None of you understand."

"Help us to," Mrs. Tonks said.

Even if I didn't look over to actually see it, I could hear the concern in her voice. Great. I set my jaw. At least she'd given me a chance to explain. To push them all away. "I gave in of my own accord about a week after Albus disappeared. Told Stillens I'd do whatever he wanted as long as he didn't try to look in my mind. The spell he wanted was important enough to him that he agreed."

"That's great," Victoire said. I didn't look up from the spot on the floor, but I could feel her shifting on the couch. "That was really brave of you."

"Giving in was brave of me?"

"No. Bargaining." She paused, maybe hesitated. "I don't see how the giving in is your fault, though. I thought Stillens came to see you himself. Anyone would have done the same, especially when you'd been left alone."

Astra, Wren, or Albus wouldn't have, but I didn't point that out. That would spark an argument, which would be a distraction and drag this ordeal out even longer. "It was weak. All of it. He told me what the spell was, that he wanted to be able to take away a person's ability to do magic. And instead of refusing, I did what he wanted. Even though that's a horrifying idea, a terrible thing to bring into the world. I brought it in, and I used it on his enemies, and I did it all without any argument." I shrugged. "That was all my choice, and those were unspeakably terrible things."

And here it was. The important bit. The I am not going to feel anything so stop it stop it stop it bit. I set my face into the hardest frown I could. "I understand if you don't want me around anymore. I'll leave. It's fine."

For a moment, no one spoke. I eventually glanced up to see the horror on their faces, a sign that I could finally go and be done with all of this. Instead of that, though, they all looked even more concerned and sad than before. I bit down a sigh. A little more arguing, then.

"Of course, it makes sense that you'd feel responsible," Teddy said after a moment. "That sounds terrible, and I'm sure it'll take a long time to work through all the feelings and thoughts from this. But we'll be here with you the whole time."

"We love you," Victoire said emphatically.

"You shouldn't."

"Well, we do." Astra crossed her arms and shot me an annoyed look. "You can't do anything about it."

I rolled my eyes. "There's no counterspell. No cure. I have no idea how to make one. It's the darkest magic I've ever seen, and I'm the one that created it. That kind of thing corrupts a person's soul. You really don't want me around."

"I find it hard to believe that you've been corrupted," Teddy said, making a face. "You've chosen to do so many right things since you made that spell, haven't you? Fought back against Stillens, saved Astra and Wren's lives, defeated him. Come here and told us about it, even. I don't think someone with a corrupted soul would have done any of that."

"What's it going to take for you to believe we're not going anywhere?" Astra asked. "We love you, and we're not leaving, or kicking you out. It doesn't matter what you did, because you're trying to make up for it now, right?"

"You can say all you want," I said dully. "I know you'll come to your senses eventually. I'd rather just get this done now."

"Come to our senses?" Victoire actually sounded hurt, and when I looked over at her she was blinking quickly. "That doesn't even make sense, Colette. We're not going to throw you out later, either."

"Then you're idiots."

Instead of getting angry at that like I'd hoped, Teddy just winced. "All of that happened, and now it's in the past where it can't be changed. But you can recover from it, and we'll be here every step of the way. We forgive you, okay?"

It took everything in me not to roll my eyes again. Breaking my expression even that much might have made it all crumble, after all. I just shook my head. "I don't deserve that. Just let it go."

"People don't normally deserve forgiveness when they're offered it," Astra said. "You're the one who told me that."

I turned to glare at her. "Don't throw my words back in my face."

"They're true! They were true when you said them, and they're true still." The hurt look in her eyes was making it even more difficult to not crack; I'd never pushed her this hard before, and I could see how it was scaring her. It had to be done. It all had to be done.

The spot on the floor that I'd been staring at earlier seemed just as boring as before, but at least when I looked back at it I didn't have to see the expressions on their faces. Why were they making this so hard? I hadn't thought this would hurt as much as it was, but they were making it so much worse. Stop feeling! "You don't have to lie to me. I can leave. It's fine."

I knew Teddy was frowning at me, but it wasn't worth looking up. He sighed, and I heard him shifting in his chair, then, "Gran, you still know how to do an unbreakable vow, right?"

My head snapped up. "What?"

"Of course I do, dear." She was smiling as if that wasn't a perfectly mad question. "Are you ready?"

Teddy turned to me expectantly, and for a moment I just stared at him. "An unbreakable vow for what, exactly?"

"Well, you're clearly not going to believe us any other way," Victoire said, raising an eyebrow. "That we love you, and want you in our family still."

"It sounds like an unbreakable vow to always be here for you is our only option," Teddy agreed, shrugging like it was no big deal.

Now they were all watching me, everyone acting like this wasn't the most insane suggestion they could have made. Even Astra just shrugged and smiled at me, as if all Teddy had asked was what I wanted for dinner. I opened my mouth and closed it a few times as words struggled to form themselves in my mind. That was concerning; I needed to keep my composure. Stop stop stop stop stop stop stop—I shook my head, narrowing my eyes so that they wouldn't be able to tell that I was flustered. "Why would you do that?"

Astra scooted closer to me on the couch, and I leaned away. Unfortunately, that didn't seem to faze her at all. "We're not really into that conditional love thing," she said. "We're a family, and once you're part of our family, you don't leave. No matter what you do, we're unconditionally here for you."

Mrs. Tonks smiled sadly at me from her armchair. "Of course, dear, if you truly want to leave, you're welcome to do what you'd like. We'll support you wherever you go. But there will never be a day when we won't miss you, and there will never be a time when you can't come home."

I closed my eyes tightly and could feel tears there. No, no, no, this wasn't how this was supposed to happen. I wasn't supposed to show weakness, to cry. I needed to be firm, emotionless, push them all away before they could do it to me. This wasn't what I'd planned for. My body was so tense that I could feel my hands shaking, clasped tightly in my lap. When I was sure the tears weren't going to fall, I opened my eyes again, shaking my head as I did. "This isn't how this is supposed to go." My voice was too small. In spite of myself, I felt like I was shrinking back against the couch, like I was trying to get away from them. Couldn't they see that this love they were trying offer me was too much? It hurt too much, and I couldn't take it even if I desperately wanted to and they all needed to stop, to leave, to give up. I needed to stop. I took a breath that ended up being far too shaky. "This... You're not supposed to be reacting like this."

I started as Victoire's hand came to rest on my arm. When I looked over at her, she was smiling so warmly at me that I had to look away again. "There's nothing you could do to scare us off, Colette. We love you."

"But..." I found I'd run out of arguments. What was wrong with them? What was wrong with me? "I don't understand."

Before I knew it, Teddy was perched on the floor just in front of me, directly in my line of sight. I winced as our eyes met and he put his hand on my knee. "You've been hurt a lot in the past, and I can't promise that we'll never hurt you. That's part of being a family, too; sometimes we hurt each other. But we'll never leave. We want you here. With us."

Now Astra had taken my hand, and I glanced over at her, wishing I could wipe away the tears that were pooling in my eyes. Astra peered into my face for a moment, searching, then she tilted her head. "Do you want that?"

My restraint was about to run out. This had never happened before. What was I supposed to do? Was it actually possible that they meant all this? Maybe it was selfish, and maybe it was stupid, and maybe it was absolutely mad, but after staring at Astra for a moment, after glancing around at Teddy and Toire, I gave the smallest nod. Within seconds, all three of them were hugging me tightly. And for the first time in my life, I truly let myself cry.