~Wren~

After six days, I still hadn't really talked to anyone about what had happened at the Battle of Carrow. Not even Astra, and she'd witnessed it all. The interrogations the two of us had to go through at the auror department for days on end didn't help, of course. Having to explain... well, everything... the only way I could get through it was by fully disconnecting myself, walling off everything. It felt like I was fourteen again, giving statement after statement to the aurors after I'd escaped from my family the first time.

I was worrying everyone, and I knew it. James had been up to school several times since we'd gone back, and every time he asked if I wanted to talk about it. I wanted to, I really did. But I would open my mouth and the words would get caught in my throat. The facts would have been easy, of course, but I'd asked Astra to let our friends know a little about what had happened with my parents. I just... how was I supposed to explain how I was feeling when I didn't even know myself? When everything felt wrong and turned upside down? When I was somehow grieving the loss of my father, who I'd always been afraid of? The loss of my mother, who wanted nothing to do with me?

But on Saturday, Astra was the one who came up to school. I almost didn't think anything of it when she wandered into the library and made a beeline for the table where Ciara, Poppy, Nico, and I were trying to study for our N.E.W.T.s. It just felt so normal for her to be here, at Hogwarts. It took a moment for my brain to remember that she hadn't been here all year, and I hadn't seen her in a week, and that week suddenly felt like the longest in my life. I jumped out of my chair and ran to meet her before she'd reached us, ignoring Petrov's grumpy reminder that running wasn't permitted in the library.

Astra hugged me tightly, then shot a glance at the librarian. "He looks even scarier in person than Albus said. No wonder everyone knew he worked for Stillens."

I laughed a little in spite of myself. "Astra, that's so mean."

"He can't hear me!" she whispered, giggling as he looked at us again, eyebrow raised. "Besides, it's true, isn't it?"

"Well... I guess I was afraid of him. A bit." Memories of the night he'd confronted me in the library swirled through my head, how on edge I'd been. But I'd been on edge all year, hadn't I?

"How are you doing?"

I met her eyes, already aware of what she was talking about. She searched my face worriedly as I tried to think of something to say. "I... I don't know," was all I came up with.

She nodded, looking down. "I... yeah. Me too." Quickly, she shook her head. "Not that it's the same. I know. Just..." She shrugged. "I thought everything would be so simple after, you know?"

"Yeah." I looked down, unsure what to say. After a moment, I glanced over my shoulder at my friends, who all looked away immediately as if they hadn't been watching us the whole time. "Do you want to join us?"

"Actually..." Astra smiled and waved at them, but after she turned back to me, she squeezed her eyes closed. "Can we talk? About... you know. All of it."

I froze, my chest tightening at the mere suggestion. "I don't... I don't think I can," I said softly, trying my best to keep my voice and breathing steady.

Astra seemed to have expected me to say that, because she didn't get angry. Instead, she shrugged a little. "I just... I think it might help. Aunt Andromeda kind of forced me to process a lot of what I was feeling with her, and it did help, just a bit. Naming the things I was feeling."

Of course, that would help. I knew it as well as she did. The next thing she was going to do was probably remind me of the many times we'd helped each other process through nightmares before. But this wasn't a nightmare. It was real life. And every time I even crept near the curtain in my mind, sectioning those things off, it hurt so much that it felt like I was going to die. "I just can't..."

She sighed, the determination in her eyes as strong as it had been before. "Have you at least talked to Mrs. Potter? Or Ciara? Or James?"

I knew I should have. They'd all tried to get me to open up over the past week. Mrs. Potter might have even understood a bit of it, like she always seemed able to do. But... I slowly shook my head, a little too ashamed to meet Astra's eyes.

"I'm worried about you," she said bluntly. "We all are."

"I know." I winced. "I... I'm sorry, it's—"

"It's fine," she said, sighing. "Can I at least talk to you, then? No one else really understands what happened up there, not even Nico and Albus and Colette. Not all of it."

I cocked my head. "You've talked to Nico?"

"Well... I kind of made him come back to the flat with us after the battle so he wouldn't be alone at Hogwarts until everyone was expected back at school..."

"You did?" In spite of myself, I turned to look at Nico in surprise. This time, he didn't try to hide the fact that he'd been watching us, likely because I was looking right at him. His expression grew confused, but before he could decide to come over here, I turned back to Astra. "That... that was really kind. How did you know he'd be alone, though? Surely he didn't tell you."

Astra shrugged. "I figured it out very tactfully, of course," she said, laughing a little.

"Oh, I'm sure." I smiled, but it faded away quickly. "Still... you talked to him?"

"Mostly about you, really..." She looked down. "We were really worried about you that day, you know. You were so out of it..."

As much as I wanted to be frustrated about that, another instance of my friends treating me like a fragile doll that needed to be protected from the slightest breeze, I couldn't bring myself to it. Mostly because this time, the concern was warranted. I knew I'd been struggling that day, and every day since. "I'm doing better, now. It's all right."

"You're not in shock anymore, maybe." Astra put her hand on my arm. "I can tell when you're lying about being all right, though. I know you're not. That's okay."

I smiled weakly at her, and she took my hand. "Do want to go for a walk? It's beautiful outside."

Five minutes later, after saying hello to everyone and explaining that we were heading off, Astra and I were walking out the doors, down toward the lake. For several minutes, we strolled along in comfortable silence. Of course, everyone we passed stopped to stare at Astra, but no one approached us. Despite the multiple positive articles in the Prophet and the Quibbler about Eris and James's work with the Friends (with brief mentions of the Hogwarts chapter), people were still wary of me. Though, I suppose that was pretty normal, all things considered.

"It feels like a dream, honestly," she said out of nowhere, once we'd passed out of earshot of any other students. "I know it didn't feel like that at the time, but it does now. Like I wasn't really there for it. Just watched it through my own eyes."

I glanced at her, but she was looking out into the distance, a faraway look on her face. I could understand what she meant, at least. I nodded a bit. "I... yeah."

That brought her attention back, and she turned to me with a frown. "It just... doesn't seem real. I know it all really happened, and everyone else seems like they're processing it and moving on, but..."

I nodded again. "No, I know. I... I feel that way, too."

She smiled a little. "I was hoping you'd understand. No one else really does quite the same way."

"It makes me wish Mr. Potter were still here," I said softly. It would've been nice to ask him if he struggled to come to terms with it after he'd defeated Voldemort. To at least have someone tell me it would get easier to think about.

Astra sniffled, then reached up to wipe at her eyes. "Yeah." She shot a glance at me. "I... I don't know how you kept going, honestly. After... your dad, and everything. I don't think I would've been able to."

"There wasn't really a choice," I said softly, looking down. I'd felt weak and helpless the whole time, like I was a liability to Astra when I'd meant to be there as support. "You were so brave. I... I wish I could've felt the same."

At that, Astra let out a laugh. She quickly bit it down when she realized I was serious, but it took her a moment to shake her head all the same. "I was terrified, really. And angry. But mostly terrified. It was like... like some other version of me took over." She shrugged. "I think we were both brave, though. We were scared, but we still stood up to him. Still won, in the end. That's what bravery's really about, you know."

I didn't feel like I'd done a lot of standing up to anyone, but I just nodded slightly. Did Astra not remember me cowering behind her the majority of the time? Is that not what had happened?

"Do you miss him? Your dad, I mean?"

Now, I turned to stare at her, mouth open slightly.  Of course, I did, but I knew that was wrong. He was a murderer and a horrible person, and saving our lives didn't change that, did it? I shouldn't have missed him. 

Astra's brow had furrowed in concern. "I... please just tell me the truth. I don't think there's a wrong way to feel about all of it, you know."

"But there is," I whispered, looking down. "I know there is."

She paused for a moment, clearly trying to think of another argument. After an almost frustrated huff, she said, "I don't care if there is, then. Thinking that you're feeling something wrong isn't going to change how you feel, you know. And if you keep bottling it up, it's only going to get worse." She hesitated before adding, "I'm not going to think any less of you, if you tell me. I promise."

There was a lump in my throat, partly because I felt like I'd finally started to draw back the curtain and an overwhelming amount of feelings and memories were about to crash down on me, but also because I knew Astra meant that. She'd already watched everything happen, after all. She'd heard me tell my father that I loved him right before he died.

"It was the only time he ever chose me over Stillens." I blinked to try to dispel the tears gathering in my eyes. "I... I never thought that would happen. Ever. But... he did."

Astra gently patted my shoulder. "That sounds... confusing, honestly."

I glanced up at her, nodding in surprise. How had she known that? "Yeah. It... it was. I... I just wish I could've talked to him, just for a moment. But I just got a glimpse of how different things could have been, and then he was gone, and I'm just left here... confused."

As Astra's arm wrapped around my shoulders, I laid my head against hers. I was sniffling, taking shaky breaths as if I was about to cry. Astra squeezed my shoulders. "It's not fair, that he got taken away like that. I'm really sorry."

"It was the first time that I wasn't afraid of him."

"I know." As my tears started to fall, Astra turned and pulled me into a real hug. For several minutes, we just stood there on the edge of the lake, Astra whispering soothing things while I cried into her shoulder.

When my sobs had finally slowed to sniffles, I realized that a little bit of the heaviness that had been weighing on me the past week was gone. I still missed my father, and maybe that wouldn't ever change, but perhaps I didn't feel as bad about it? I pulled back from Astra, my gaze turning toward the far shore of the lake. A bird flew up over the trees, startled by something in the woods, and my breath caught. It wasn't him. It couldn't be. But for just a moment I'd wondered...

Astra seemed lost in her own thoughts when I glanced over at her. For a moment, I just watched her. The look in her eyes made her seem so much older than she was, I thought. Of course, we'd been through things that even most adults had never experienced. That was bound to age a person far beyond their years.

Just then, she glanced over at me, smiling as she realized I was watching her. "What?"

I smiled in spite of myself. "I don't know."

"You were looking at me funny!" Astra chuckled. "What were you thinking?"

"Nothing..." I giggled as she raised an eyebrow at me. "I don't know. I guess... just... I wish we could have been kids, you know? Stillens made us both grow up to fast, and... I just wish things could have been different."

Astra nodded slowly. "I agree... You know, when I first got to Hogwarts, I thought I was escaping my horrible life for somewhere amazing and perfect?"

"I thought I wouldn't be lonely anymore," I said, nodding.

Astra smiled. "Yeah. But... if things had been different, I don't think we ever would've met, would we? You'd have gone to Ilvermorny."

"Oh." I frowned. "I guess I would have."

My friend's expression turned wistful. "Obviously, I'd never wish either of us back through any of that. I just think... maybe... if it got both us to here, today, maybe it was worth it? If that makes sense?"

Worth it was a strong phrase. Was anything worth the horrible things I'd done and experienced in the past seven years? But looking at Astra, realizing that I never would have known her if Stillens hadn't taken such an interest in both of us... I don't know, maybe it was.

"It's like you said," Astra continued. "Something about how we're in this together? There wouldn't have been anything to be together in if it wasn't for... for Stillens, and you mum, and all of this. I know it was all horrible, but... is it really wrong to say that some good things came out of it too?"

I shook my head slowly. "I don't think so. I mean... I suppose it's true. And I'm really glad you're my friend."

Astra grinned and hugged me again.

~~~~

I'd planned to spend the next day studying, since the N.E.W.T.s started the day after, but just as breakfast was ending, Haverna walked over to the Gryffindor table and asked if I would come to the headmistress's office with her.

"More photographs?" I asked as we walked out of the Great Hall.

Haverna shook her head. "It's the Minister, actually."

"Which one?" I still wasn't sure when Albus's Aunt Hermione would be stepping back from her position as interim Minister and when Carrow would be taking over again. Surely she needed more time to heal than just a couple of weeks?

"Well, they're both here, but I believe it's Carrow that wants to see you."

I stopped walking, my heart beating a little quicker as I wondered what the Minister could possibly want with me. Had I done something wrong? Had she discovered that I hadn't really been under the Imperius Curse in first year? "She... I mean, what does she want?"

Haverna turned to frown at me, slightly exasperated. "I don't know, dear. Perhaps she'll tell you?"

By the time we'd climbed the stairs to the tower, my hands were shaking. As Carrow stood from the chair behind the desk, I felt for a moment as if I was on trial again. She studied me for a moment, and I tried to keep a neutral expression on my face.

"I heard that you helped create the deal with Hempsey, to get her to cooperate," she said frowning at me. "Why did you do that?"

I pursed my lips for a moment. Was I going to be in trouble for that? Mrs. Potter and Mr. MacMillan had both agreed... I took a deep breath. "I... I felt bad for her."

"And?"

I blinked as Carrow walked around the desk to frown at me. "Um... I know what Stillens did to her, and I think that if she knew, she'd turn on him."

"And?"

I glanced at Haverna, who seemed at a loss, and Mrs. Weasley, who nodded encouragingly at me. Was I about to tell the Prime Minister of the British Ministry of Magic that I thought the way they'd been punishing people for hundreds of years was cruel and barbaric? Could I get deported for that? Well... I guess I was about to find out. "I think Azkaban is inhumane, and she doesn't deserve to go there. No one does."

Carrow nodded thoughtfully; she'd clearly expected me to say that. "Even your uncle? Your mother?"

I paused again, wondering if I was walking into a trap. "Um, yes. Even them. I don't think they should lose their minds in prison. They should sit there knowing what they did."

"Go on," Carrow said, leaning back against the edge of the desk.

This time when I glanced at Haverna, she smiled. I guess even if I did get deported, I'd probably never have another chance to argue against Azkaban in front of the Minister again. "Honestly, I think that when people are sent to Azkaban, you're stooping to the same level as those you put in there. Which... which makes you no better than the criminals inside Azkaban." My eyes widened. "I... I don't mean you, ma'am, of course. More of a hypothetical you..."

Carrow waved away the concern, so I kept going. "I just... I think so many of the people who are in there right now could have been rehabilitated, if they hadn't gone insane from the dementors. And I know many of the ones who are being sent there will be rehabilitated, or could be. So... I just don't understand how a humane society could treat anyone that way, I guess."

To my surprise, Carrow smiled at me. "A perfect argument, Ms. Predatel. Now, is it true that you've experienced something like Azkaban firsthand?"

I nodded slowly. "Stillens keeps a dozen or so dementors in his basement."

"So you've come to this conclusion through personal experience, but you've clearly had time to recover from it." She glanced at Mrs. Weasley. "I think this could work."

Mrs. Weasley smiled at me. "Harry would be so proud of you, Wren."

I blinked in confusion. "I... I'm sorry, but what could work?"

"Would you be willing to make this argument in front of Parliament?" Carrow asked. "I can have one of the Ministry speechwriters help you refine your points, if you'd like, though I think you make a moving case all on your own."

My mouth had dropped open. "Are you serious?"

"I believe they'll put more stock into what you're saying than if I were to bring this up alone," Carrow explained, nodding. "You're more removed from it all."

I almost laughed. Here I was thinking I was in trouble, and suddenly the Minister wanted me to argue against Azkaban in front of Parliament. As a wide smile appeared on my face, I said, "I would love to."

~~~~

The next few days were a blur. When we weren't actively taking a test, I was either studying for the N.E.W.T.s with Poppy, Ciara, and Nico, or being summoned to the headmistress's office to identify my uncle's agents from pictures that Mr. MacMillan brought, or meeting with the Friends as we organized the evidence they'd collected against Madam Cantha and Professor Kimmel. At least since talking to Astra, it felt easier to engage with what was going on around me. I caught Poppy and Nico giving each other relieved looks more than once. I found that I didn't really mind, because I was also sort of relieved.

Ciara was still adjusting to her lack of sight. Despite the fact that she could see a tiny bit, she was still wary to try walking around with the mobility cane her parents had specially ordered for her. It was enchanted to help guide her, supposedly, but we hadn't really seen it working yet, since Ciara seemed to prefer holding my arm whenever she had to walk somewhere. I hadn't figured out yet if she was just warming up to the idea, embarrassed, or in denial about the whole situation. Luckily, I didn't really mind helping her, because that meant I very rarely had to be alone.

None of us wanted to be alone, really. Now that there wasn't any danger in being seen together, Nico, Poppy, Ciara, and I had been nearly inseparable. It wasn't like we really needed to be. I just got the feeling that we all felt more comfortable together than alone. It at least seemed to ward off a lot of the questions younger students seemed to be dying to ask us. Of course, I was nearly immune to the stares and whispers, even if they were a different kind than before, but it was a new experience for Poppy and Nico, at least. More than once, I had to remind Nico that glaring at third years was rude, even if they were staring at us first.

Since the need for secrecy had suddenly disappeared, Ciara had been getting a lot of questions about who else was in the Friends. The papers only ever mentioned her, because Brigitte claimed that she couldn't have her name plastered all over the place if she wanted to be a dark wizard hunter. That left us in a strange spot, as it turned out that a lot of the Friends didn't want any recognition at all, either. Some of them were getting found out anyway, because they tended to linger around Ciara and I in the Great Hall. They were all demanding to know why I never told them they were wrong about Nico, but mostly they were just joking about being upset.

The best part about all of that was that my old friends were finally talking to me again. Eric and Luke had sheepishly apologized for being insufferable all year. Arthur had sat next to me at the last prefect meeting of the year and asked if I was doing all right, which was close enough. The others had just slowly drifted back into my life, none of us acknowledging how strange things had been. I preferred it that way, really.

Our graduation was planned for Saturday morning, but the evening before, Haverna had decided to hold a memorial for all of the Hogwarts students who had died during the Battle of Carrow. It felt like the entirety of the Ministry and the DA was there, along with dozens of others who had known one of the twelve students. I'd never seen this many people at Hogwarts before, and it was making me anxious.

The Malfoys found us first, and whisked Ciara off to go find her aunt before the ceremony started. That left Poppy, Nico, and me in a sea of what felt like thousands of people, trying to find Astra or the Potters. Nico's family wouldn't be here, of course, and even if they did show up, he wanted nothing to do with them.

"I told my grandparents to just come to graduation," Poppy said as we navigated through the crowds. "I thought this might be a little upsetting for Jack. He still gets freaked out if we even say Stillens' name around him."

"Do you still want me to check him for obliviation while they're here?" Nico asked.

"Yes!" Poppy grinned. "He's been dying to meet you, you know. I told him that you were restoring the other kids' memories, and you're his hero now."

Nico's face flushed. "Oh. Um... right."

"Oh Merlin, relax!" Poppy laughed. "He's just turned eleven, okay? If you just smile at him and ask him what he's into, you'll make his day. He's not expecting much."

Someone bumped into me as they squeezed past us, and my grip on Poppy's arm grew tighter. "Can we get out of the crowd?"

Nico craned his neck to peer over the people around us. "Hold on, I just saw a flash of orange... Oh, no, that's just Rose..."

"Maybe we'll have a better chance of finding anyone if we can get to higher ground?" Poppy suggested, motioning towards the hill the Quidditch pitch sat on. "If anything, Wren can get a chance to breathe."

We wove around until we finally broke out of the crowd. Nico and Poppy squinted, trying to make out individual faces in the mass of people. I just took in the view as a whole.

Hundreds of chairs had been set up facing the lake. By the time the ceremony actually started in about thirty minutes, the sun would be setting behind the castle, casting everything in a golden glow. Professor Rinduli had insisted on starting the ceremony during "golden hour," from what I'd heard. By the time the ceremony was ending and we were all asked to light our wands iin remembrance of the dead, it would hopefully be growing dark.

Many people were already sitting, and many more were milling about, finding friends and loved ones that they probably hadn't seen since the battle, I imagined. Everything had a somber air to it, though, that came from more than just the dark colors of everyone's clothes. A group this large should've been loud enough that you would struggle to hear the person next to you, but everything seemed hushed, muted. It felt like a museum, almost, where something compels you to whisper instead of talk out loud.

Some of the sixth years had spent the morning with Hagrid building a raised platform right on the edge of the lake, in front of twelve large pillars that had been erected earlier in the week. Each one had the name of one of the students engraved on it. They were going to stand on the edge of the lake forever, memorializing the lives lost. I'd come out here the day before with Ciara to cry over Iris and Trevor's.

"There's Lily!" Poppy exclaimed, pulling me back to the present. "I think I see Albus with her, too. They're by the edge of the seating."

A few moments later, we'd plunged back into the crowd, scooting around people until we'd finally reached the spot that Poppy had pointed out and found the Potters, Astra, and Colette. James was nowhere to be seen, though I wasn't surprised—he still hadn't been able to talk to Albus yet, so I was sure he was here somewhere and just giving his brother space. I'd find him soon.

Before long, it was time to find seats. A lot of people spoke, including Mrs. Potter and Haverna, honoring the students who had fought so bravely to make their world a better place. Ciara got to give an address, as well, representing the rest of the students at Hogwarts. She'd been anxious about it all week, but I thought she did beautifully.

Afterwards, many non-students left, but those that stayed were ushered inside for refreshments. I think the additions were mostly family of graduating students, but it still felt like an overwhelmingly amount of people in the Great Hall, which I hadn't realized could ever feel crowded.

James finally caught up with me inside. "Are you doing all right?" he asked as he slid his arm around my waist.

"If it wasn't for the crowds, I'd be great," I said, smiling a bit.

"It's really a lot," James agreed. "I'd like to say hi to Mum and Lily, but after that we can find somewhere quieter if you'd like?"

We found Lily with her friends, mixing fruit punch and butterbeer and seeing who could drink the most without choking it back up. Lily offered both of us a glass, which I politely declined and James downed in one go ("I'll always be better than you, Lils, that's just how this goes").

"Okay, but what does it taste like?" Eviana insisted. "We can't agree."

"Obviously, it tastes like buttered fruit," Elmer said, rolling his eyes. "Right, James?"

"Butterbeer doesn't even taste like butter, dimwit!" Lily argued, hitting him playfully on the shoulder.

"Oh no, they're going to kiss!" exclaimed Pip. "Everybody get down!" He and Eviana both ducked under the table, giggling so hard that I had to wonder if they'd put something else in the fruit punch-butterbeer concoction.

Lily made an exaggerated pouting face. "Well now you've ruined the moment!"

In spite of that, Elmer kissed her on the cheek anyway, making Lily's face turn red and Pip and Eviana explode in laughter. I bit my lip, trying not to laugh as well.

"I didn't realize you'd gotten back together," James said, raising an amused eyebrow at them.

"Well, I couldn't very well owl you about it, could I?" Lily said, throwing her hair over her shoulder. "Trying to keep your stupid cover and all..."

"What's stupid is trying to kiss your boyfriend in the same room as our Mum," James teased.

"Oh please!" Lily made a face. "At least my first kiss wasn't in Dad's office in front of Albus and all of his friends!"

James tried to look mad for a moment, but I laughed in spite of myself, Lily's friends had all lost it at that, and in the end he broke into a smile too. "Hey, how long are you going to hold that over my head?"

"Astra has dibs on telling the story at your wedding, and I have dibs on all your baby showers, and Albus has dibs on your funeral, so..." Lily shrugged. "Forever, I guess."

James's good mood had disappeared at the sound of Albus's name, and within a few seconds, Lily seemed to realize her mistake and sobered up quickly, too. "Hey, I'm sorry. I'm sure he'll come around eventually, you know."

Instead of answering, James just sighed and forced a smile. "I'll let you get back to goofing off."

"James, wait—" But he'd already disappeared into the crowd, pulling me with him. Within moments, we'd made it to the far wall. James sank down onto a bench, taking deep breaths. When I sat down beside him, I saw tears in his eyes.

"I... I talked to him last night, you know," I said softly. "He came up for the last prefect meeting of the year."

"You're only going to make him mad," James said, sighing. "Please, don't do that anymore."

"I won't. I didn't press him or anything." I leaned my head against his shoulder. "I just asked if he really thought he'd never be able to forgive you, and he wasn't sure anymore."

James glanced at me, eyes wide. "Really? He said that?"

I nodded, smiling sadly. "I asked him to hear you out, if you try to talk to him, and he said he'd at least listen. No promises beyond that, but that's something, right?"

"Right." He sighed again, looking down. "I just... I don't know if I can face him yet, really. He'll probably completely reject me, you know? I don't think I can handle that."

"I know." I hesitated, wishing I could fix this and knowing there wasn't anything I could do. "You've still got to try, though. At some point. Obviously, try to choose the best timing. But... I don't know. I think he misses you more than he lets on."

I realized James was looking at something, and followed his gaze to see Albus, Poppy, and Mrs. Potter standing together several yards away from us. James looked down again after a moment. "That's a bit of a reach, Wren."

Albus had just noticed us, and instead of glaring, the expression on his face seemed wistful for a moment. He very quickly look away when he realized I was watching him, but it was enough to confirm what I'd been thinking. "It's not. Just trust me, James. Be gentle, and go slowly, but I really think you should reach out."

Just then, Astra ran up to us. Luckily, James perked up a bit at the distraction, though Astra had a worried expression in her eyes. "Oh, good, I found you."

"What's wrong?"

Astra glanced over her shoulder, toward the doors. "It's Colette. I mean, nothing new. I just... I don't know what to do anymore. Nothing Albus or Aunt Andromeda or I say is working. She's just locked away in this gloom, and it's like we can't reach her."

James glanced at me. "Sounds a bit like you, sometimes."

I narrowed my eyes at him, but he was right. However, just because I'd felt the same way that Colette was feeling before didn't mean that I knew how to help her. I hardly knew how to help myself when I was like that.

"Wren, could you talk to her?" Astra pleaded. "People always seem to listen to you. At least figure out why she's so upset?"

"You don't know why she's upset?" I blinked at her, surprised that was even in question. "She still feels horrible about what happened, Astra. She's not just going to get over it, you know."

"Well, I know. But Carrow officially gave her a pardon, and we keep telling her that no one is holding any of that against her—"

"Did that ever work on me?" I asked, raising an eyebrow. Neither James nor Astra said anything, which was fine. I knew we all knew the answer. "Of course it didn't. Nothing worked until I started to learn how to forgive myself, right? No amount of talking will get her to that point before she's ready."

Astra winced. "Okay, maybe not talking with us, but talking with you might help. Maybe if you tell her that?"

"Do you know how many times she had that conversation with me the other way around?" I shook my head. "It won't help."

"Fine." Astra sighed. "Just... maybe go sit with her for a while, so she's not alone? If she's going to open up to anyone, I'll bet it's going to be you."

I glanced uncertainly at James, but he smiled and patted my back. "I'll be fine, Wren. We'll find each other again later, okay?"

The next thing I knew, I was slipping out of the Great Hall doors. Astra didn't know where Colette had gone beyond that point, but it only took looking up to find her sitting at the top of the stairs, staring at nothing in particular with a hollow look on her face. She didn't even move when the door closed.

"Colette?" I called, my voice echoing in the empty hall. "Can you hear me?"

"Yes," she said, though she didn't look at me.

"Could I come sit with you?" I asked, hesitating for a moment before adding, "It's really crowded in there. I was getting overwhelmed."

She just nodded, so I started up the stairs. As I drew closer, she dropped her eyes to her lap. I sat down beside her, not so close that we were touching, but close enough that she could have leaned over on my shoulder if she wanted to. For a moment, we just sat in silence, as I tried to think of something to say that wouldn't sound patronizing or trite.

"That's not why you came out here, is it?" Colette asked, her voice startingly loud in the quiet, even though she was speaking in a low tone.

"Um... what?"

"You didn't come out here because of the crowds. You came out because Astra asked you to talk to me."

I considered trying to pretend that wasn't the case, but Colette had an annoying tendency of seeing right through me, so I just sighed. "She did, but I told her that it wouldn't do anything. There's nothing I can say to make things better. She didn't take that super well."

A slight smile played across her lips. "Thanks for that. I don't suppose that'll stop her from trying?"

"I doubt it."

"Didn't think so." Colette sighed. "I know she's worried, all right? I just don't know what to tell her. I don't know how to talk to her. She doesn't understand."

"No, she doesn't." Already, she was saying more than I'd expected her to. Based on the reports I'd gotten from Albus and Astra, she'd been nearly impossible to talk to lately. I didn't know why I was different, and I didn't want to mess it up by saying to wrong thing.

Before I had to think of anything, Colette dropped her head down into her hands. "It's all my fault, Wren. I created such a terrible thing, and no one's taking it seriously."

"I think people are taking it seriously." I frowned. "They've located the people Stillens made you practice on. I heard they're already trying to create a countercurse in the Department of Mysteries."

"They won't be able to. I don't think I can do it, and I created the curse."

"And I read in the Quibbler that Carrow's already put together a committee to decide whether it should become an unforgivable curse. That's what you wanted, right?"

Colette's hands balled into fists. "It's not enough. That doesn't change anything that's already happened, anything that could happen if my notes fall into the wrong person's hands. This committee is refusing to destroy them until they've come to a decision, you know. After who knows how many people get a chance to see or copy them when no one's looking." She huffed. "If I'd never created the spell, none of this would've happened."

"Stillens wouldn't have been defeated, either," I pointed out.

Colette shot me an incredulous glance. "You and Astra would've found a way."

I shook my head. "We would've died if you hadn't shown up when you did. Your spell saved our lives. Saved the wizarding world, even."

"Don't go putting that idea in people's heads!" Colette exclaimed, eyes wide. "At best, it's cruel and unusual punishment. I don't want the Ministry thinking they can just replace Azkaban with taking people's magic away."

"Oh." I looked down. "Sorry. I didn't think about that."

She shook her head, seeming to draw back into herself after that outburst. There were several seconds of silence before she said, "I'm guilty, Wren. And no one's doing anything about it."

"You feel guilty," I corrected in what I hoped was a gentle tone. "That's completely valid, to feel that way, but it's not reality."

"Wren..."

"You don't need to believe me right now. I know it's really hard to when you're feeling like that."

Colette groaned. "If all you're going to do is just tell me it's okay, and it's not my fault, you can go. That's just making it worse."

I hesitated. Did I dare compare our situations? I saw the clear parallels, but I wasn't sure that Colette did. Surely she would've reasoned herself out of feeling this way by now if she did. But the alternative was to leave her here alone, clearly miserable. I closed my eyes and managed, "I know how you feel. I mean, obviously I can't really understand what it was like, but—"

"If anyone could understand, it'd be you." Colette glanced at me, something a little desperate in her eyes that I hadn't expected to see. "You do, don't you?"

I nodded slowly, though I didn't know what to say now. Colette looked away again. "Does... does it get better?"

I resisted the urge to look at her. First year seemed like a lifetime ago, but I still felt a sting of shame when I remembered using the Cruciatus Curse on my classmates. I still felt guilt about the pain and death Stillens had made me inflict in the next few years. I'd told Nico months ago that it never truly went away, and so far, I was right. But did it get better?

When I'd first come back, I hadn't even been able to think about it. I couldn't look people in the eye. I'd felt nothing but hatred for myself. The guilt and shame were pressing down on me, causing nightmares every time I slept. It wasn't like that anymore.

"Yeah," I said softly. "It does. It takes a lot of time, but it does get better."

Colette took a deep breath and nodded, seeming almost determined now. Without thinking, I put my hand on her arm. She glanced at me in surprise, but didn't pull away. I smiled sadly. "Listen, though, it only gets better if you let other people help you heal. Even if you feel like you don't deserve it, and you're a horrible person for letting it happen. You can't cut yourself off from the people that care about you."

I took the way that Colette was avoiding my eyes as proof that that had been exactly her plan. That was fine. It had been mine, too. I'd had to learn to let other people in again.

Colette shook her head. "I... I don't think I can."

"It's hard," I admitted. "All of it. But you have to let us care about you, or you'll never learn to care about yourself again."

She seemed entirely unconvinced, but still nodded a little bit. After a thoughtful silence, she shrugged. "I don't even think I knew how to do that before." She closed her eyes tightly and whispered, "Please, don't give up on me, Wren."

"Never." I smiled sadly. "I'll be here the whole way."

~~~~

Important announcement: The next and final chapter in the Star of Gryffindor saga will be posted on June 18, 2024. That is a promise and a guarantee. Nine years ago on that day, I started writing this series, only halfway done with Order of the Phoenix at the time. I never dreamed I'd make it this far.

Question of the Day: Excluding the Gryffingang and their honorary members (Poppy, Ciara, and Nico), who's your favorite character?

Answer: I have loved writing Ginny so much. She's exactly how I imagined she'd be (which is incredible, considering how many characters like to screw up my plans and run off in the opposite direction). I just love how good of a mother she is, both to her own kids and the ones who need a mother. I just feel warmth and comfort every time I get to write her.

Vote and comment!

~Elli

Word count: 7044