~Wren~

Nico and I went down to see Ciara every day after that. Not that Nico ever actually saw her. I didn't know if he wanted to or not, but Ciara would have fought him on sight, wand or not, and I think he at least knew it would only upset her.

It took exactly two days for my mother to catch us. I was sure we were both going to get locked in our rooms or something, but I still pulled out all the manipulative tricks I could. When I implied that I would be much happier, feel much more loved and maybe even willing to talk, if she just let me go talk to Ciara sometimes, she sighed and said she supposed it couldn't hurt. If we got caught by Stillens, though, that wasn't her fault.

I'd managed to get Ciara to explain to me everything she could remember about the night she'd been kidnapped. Who had been there? About a dozen people, mostly ones she didn't recognize. She thought one had been my father, though. Did she remember what they'd said? Not much, basic "you should be frightened" type of stuff. It had all happened so quickly, and no, she hadn't heard what spell they'd cast on Scorpius.

Nico hadn't heard anything about Scorpius at all, until Ciara had mentioned him. I hadn't been sure if he would care, since I knew he and Scorpius had hated each other for years now, but Nico seemed as troubled by the idea that he might be dead as he did about everything else. At the very least, it was one of many things contributing to his spiral. Not that we talked about it. We didn't talk about anything. If I had questions about Ciara, he answered them, but otherwise, he just shook his head.

Four or five days after I'd first found out Ciara was here, we were at dinner. It had become slightly less horrible, now that I was used to it again, but that didn't mean I enjoyed it. Cassie never met my eyes or addressed me. The only time she looked at me directly was when I was looking somewhere else, and she'd turn her gaze to her plate the moment I glanced at her. Nico was sullenly silent the entire meal, every meal, no matter how many times my mother chided him about manners. My father seemed to only be putting up with all this because she had asked him too, making gruff responses to her small talk simply because no one else would answer.

I generally stayed in the camp of "I will not speak unless spoken to," and then it was only the threat of my mother's wrath that made me answer at all. However, tonight I had decided I had something to say. To my father, too, who I generally never spoke to at all if I could help it.

"Did you kill Scorpius Malfoy?"

On my left, I saw Nico freeze, turning to stare at me, then my father, with wide eyes. My mother raised an eyebrow at me, and I tensed up, trying not to wince. My father answered before she could, though. "Who?"

"You know who that is." I crossed my arms. "Did you kill him?"

"Wren, that's not appropriate topic for dinner," my mother said, an edge to her voice.

"Why not?"

She narrowed her eyes, studying me for a moment before answering. "There's a child present."

"Oh, yeah, can't let Cassie know that death exists. She doesn't know about that yet."

Cassie had been watching us with a curious expression, but at the mention of her name, she turned white and looked down at her plate. I felt a little bad; this wasn't supposed to be about her. Anyway, now my mother looked like she was about one comment away from dragging me out of the room, and that wouldn't end well. I amended, "Sorry. I'm just wondering."

"Why do you want to know?" my father asked gruffly. He motioned to Nico. "Did he put you up to this?"

I rolled my eyes. "You think I'd do something just because Jasper asked me to?"

"Possibly." He sighed and set down his fork. "What do you think even happened to this 'Scorpius Malfoy'?"

"I know you kidnapped his sister," I said. "She thinks you killed him."

"You two have been talking to her?" My father narrowed his eyes at me, then looked past me to Nico. "You think Stillens is going to allow that?"

Nico put his hands up. "I haven't seen or talked to her."

My father glanced at me, as if for confirmation, and I nodded. "He hasn't. That's true." I gestured to my mother. "She was the one who said I could see her..." This was getting off topic. I shook my head. "You're not answering my question."

"Watch your tone," my father snapped. I flinched, but he just picked up his fork again and took a bite. After he'd swallowed, he glanced back up at me and seemed surprised that I was still watching him. "What?"

"I... so you're not going to tell me?"

He stared at me for a moment longer. "Did I kill the kid?" He shrugged. "Honestly, dear, the details are a little fuzzy."

"A little fuzzy?"

"That's what I said."

"You're telling me you don't remember."

"Perhaps I am." He gestured towards me with his knife, then chuckled as I flinched. "Perhaps you should stop asking, before you stop being amusing and start to annoy me."

"Let's talk about something else," my mother said, the edge in her tone sharper than the knife my father was holding. I looked down as she started asking Cassie about how she liked her tutor. Out of the corner of my eye, I could see Nico shooting a glance at me, but I looked away. No need to make my parents think he might have actually put me up to it. I had a feeling that would get in trouble, which would in turn hurt Ciara.

Most nights, Nico, Cassie, and I all hurried off as soon as dinner was over. Not all together, obviously; Cassie hardly ever stayed in the same room as me, if she could help it. But we all seemed to feel a similar desire to get away from my parents as quickly as possible. Tonight, though, my mother stopped me as I was pushing my chair in.

"Just a moment, Wren. I'd like to talk to you."

I forced myself not to sigh. Instead, I pushed my chair in more slowly, hands gripping the back a little too tightly. I heard the door swing closed behind Nico and Cassie. Just me and my parents.

For a moment, they both just watched me. Personally, I felt close to throwing up, which was a common feeling when I was left alone with my parents. A sign of a happy and healthy family dynamic, right?

"Come here," my mother said sternly. I pursed my lips and slowly crossed over to her, so that I was standing in front of both of them. Objectively worse, for sure. I swallowed, clasping my hands together tightly to keep them from shaking.

Like a flash, I saw my mother's hand raise. Before I could do anything, she swung, striking me across the face hard enough to make me stumble to the side, nearly into my father. I gasped and raised my hand up to cup my cheek as tears filled my eyes from the sting.

"Look at me," she snapped. I did, cringing away from her even though she'd crossed her arms now, and couldn't reasonably hit me again without warning. She glanced me up and down, seeming satisfied. "That was entirely inappropriate, Wren."

"I... I'm sorry..."

"Dead or alive, Scorpius Malfoy is none of your concern," my father said sharply, "and the next time I hear you asking about him, you'll be getting something much worse than a slap to the face, do you understand?"

I nodded quickly, still tensed to block if needed. Everything was on edge. My heart was pounding in my head, loudly and quickly. I was shaking, and I think it was less from the slap itself and more from the idea that there might be more. "I'm sorry," I repeated softly.

My mother sighed, softening a little. "You know that we're doing all this for your own good, right?"

"We love you," my father echoed. "We want what's best for you."

Briefly, my eyes darted across both of their faces. I knew what they were saying wasn't true. It couldn't be. Any parents who really loved their child would never subject them to anything like the Hell I was living through right now. But it was so hard not to believe them, when they were both looking at me with no anger, but sadness, as if they were actually disappointed and hurt, as if I was the one who was wrong. As if they really did know what was best, and I just didn't know enough to agree with them.

I looked down again, opting to not answer rather than try to say something that might appease them. Rather than risk confusing myself more than I already had. After a moment, my mother sighed, and my father shook his head, and they told me I could go.

That was yet another very normal part of life here, I suppose, being intensely confused about my parents. Why did I still care what they thought about me? Why was I more hurt by the looks on their faces and knowing I was disappointing them than the fact that my mother hit me? They were terrorists, working for my uncle who was the epitome of calculating evil. They'd rated his agenda as more important than me a very long time ago. They repulsed me. I hated them. And yet a deep part of me still craved their affection.

I'd never tried to talk to anyone about that before, but now I wanted to very badly. I sat on the dresser that night, trying not to cry as James told me goodnight, and wished I could explain it all to him. He'd be able to make sense of it. He was good with understanding people. Better than I was, clearly.

The days crept away, closer to when Nico would have to go back to Hogwarts. It had occurred to us that I wouldn't be able to visit Ciara if I didn't have a wand and he wasn't here. Nico suggested I pretend to be good long enough to convince my mother I might be making a turn in the right direction, and maybe she'd let me have mine back. It wasn't like they couldn't track what spells I used, after all. It wasn't like there was really that much I could do with it, with all the enchantments they'd put on this place to keep me here. As torturous as that sounded, it was the only option I could think of.

Of course, it wouldn't work to just start acting happy and carefree. They'd see right through me in an instant. Nico agreed, and suggested that acting defeated might be the way to go. If they thought I'd given up hope, wouldn't argue or fight anymore, maybe they'd be more willing to give me my wand, just so I could visit Ciara.

Now, I know it seems a little weird that Nico and I were scheming about this, but that's really the only subject we ever talked about. After all, he'd made it very clear that he wanted nothing to do with my traitorous ways. But that was before he'd found the children in the basement, and before Ciara had been kidnapped, and now I had even less idea what was going on in his head than I had before. I knew he was processing through a lot of things; you can't just realize overnight that everything you've been working towards for years has been both a lie and horribly wrong without some serious inner turmoil. But I was at least hopeful that he was having some inner turmoil. Some of what he'd seen had been too much, too far, and maybe it would be a stepping stone to realizing it was all bad. Maybe, just maybe, my traitorous ways were becoming a little more appealing.

Or maybe he'd just decide it didn't really matter, and he'd rather sacrifice what little morals he had to save his own life. It was certainly the easier path.

Whatever was going on in his mind, he at least seemed to have come to the conclusion that helping me bend the rules to see Ciara Malfoy wasn't that big of a deal.

How lucky it was that acting like a defeated, hopeless shell was not that far off from where I was already. Sure, I had to bite my tongue a few times to keep from saying something sarcastic at dinner, or shrug in uninterested agreement when my mother suggested I find Nico and go for a walk outside because I was getting too pale. It wasn't like I actually had any hope left, anyway. Whatever fire managed to spring up inside me these days was either anger or the knowledge that if I broke down completely, I'd be dooming more than just myself.

Nico thought that, since my mother seemed to approve of me going to see Ciara, perhaps asking her point blank about getting my wand back for that context was the best idea. I wasn't sure that asking for my wand was a good idea at all, since it seemed a bit of a suspicious thing to do. He asked if I was planning on doing anything suspicious with it. I hesitated, trying to think of what I could even do, but couldn't think of anything. I didn't know what enchantments they'd put on this place to keep me here, let alone how to break them. I clearly wasn't capable of killing myself, and even if I had been, the thought of Ciara being left alone kept me from it. I supposed I could use it to open locked doors and look for floo powder, but my mother wasn't stupid enough to leave that where I could find it. If there was any of that in the manor, it was behind more than just a locked door.

"No, I guess not."

"Then I don't know what they'd think you could do." Nico shrugged. He took a few steps to the left to kick a stray soccer ball back to Cassie. She was playing soccer with herself about twenty yards away from us, far away that she couldn't really hear us, and she didn't have to acknowledge me. She'd only grudgingly agreed to let me come out with them at all, and then only because Nico explained that "Aunt Katreena" wanted me to. The threat of my mother being angry made her give in, even if she still kept a wary distance and ran off as soon as she could.

"Thanks!" Cassie shouted as she chased after the ball. She caught up to it, then turned back to kick it as hard as she could back toward us. It went between us and bounced off the wall. Cassie grinned. "I made a goal!"

"Good job," Nico said. He rolled his eyes, but seemed amused anyway. Honestly, Cassie was adorable enough that I wasn't entirely surprised that Nico had warmed up to her a little.

Cassie came over to get the ball herself, though she veered around me as if there was an invisible barrier keeping us apart. She turned to Nico. "Do wizards have football?"

"No," he said. "We play Quidditch."

"Oh. What's that?"

"I mean, you play on brooms."

"Brooms?" Cassie giggled. "That's weird."

Nico shrugged, glancing at me for help. "I've never actually played."

"Me, neither," I said.

Cassie turned to glare at me so quickly that I was caught off guard. "I wasn't asking you."

I blinked as she turned back to Nico, smiling again as if nothing had just happened. "I want to play Quidditch."

"I don't think there're any brooms here," Nico said, shrugging. "Sorry."

"Oh." Cassie sighed, then reached down to pick up her ball. "Will you play with me?"

"In a bit."

"But..." Cassie's bottom lip poked out, eyes growing wide. If she'd been looking at anyone other than Nico Jasper, I expect she would've been impossible to refuse. "I want to play with someone."

Nico gave her a small smile. "Hey, if you try to play with me now, Wren might want to join. You don't want that, do you?" She shot a wary glance in my direction, then shook her head. "Right. So let's wait till later, okay?"

"Okay..." The little girl sighed and headed off to kick her ball around on her own. Nico took a few steps back to sit on the wall, and after a moment I followed him.

"So, anyway, just ask your mother," Nico said, returning to our previous conversation as if nothing had happened. "I don't think she'll offer, and I'm not about to go suggest it."

I sighed. The worst that could happen was her getting upset with me for asking, which really wouldn't be that bad, right? Surely by now I should have been getting immune to my mother, after being interrogated by Zaria nearly twenty times in the past month. My mother should've paled in comparison. For some reason, though, she didn't.

Nico seemed to think the matter was closed, at least. He was watching Cassie with a far away look in his eye, like he wasn't thinking about my mother anymore. I was tempted to ask what was on his mind, but I didn't expect to get an answer, so I didn't see why I would bother.

"Stop looking at me."

I blinked, then turned my head away. "Sorry. Didn't know that was off limits."

Nico rolled his eyes, shooting a glance at me. "I meant just stop looking at me like you want to see what I'm thinking. I get enough of that with Stillens, thanks."

"I can't do legilimency," I pointed out.

"It's still annoying to feel like someone's studying you."

"Sorry."

"You already said that."

I bit my lip rather than apologize again. Nico chuckled, but gloom set in again after a few seconds. I cast around for something innocuous to talk about as the silence grew awkward, but couldn't find anything to comment on.

Why wouldn't he talk to me? I mean, on a fundamental level, I understood that I was the enemy. He worked for my uncle, and I'd betrayed my uncle, which meant we were completely at odds on all things simply by association. And Nico Jasper didn't seem like the type to talk to anyone about things that were troubling him, so even if he wasn't convinced by the "enemy" thing, it wasn't in his nature to just talk out his feelings with me.

Why did I even care, anyway? If anyone was irredeemable, it was Nico Jasper. He'd sought this out. He'd actively chosen this path. He'd ignored or refused every chance he'd had to turn back. That was the difference between us, wasn't it? We might have both been murderers, but only one of us had willingly chosen all of this. So why was I trying to empathize with him?

I just... I don't know. I couldn't tell what he was thinking, but I was convinced that I should have been able to. If he was still fully on board with Stillens' agenda, I should have been able to tell. If the only thing that he had to fight against to stay where he was currently was our friendship, it shouldn't have been hard to overcome that. Stillens wouldn't have needed to go to the trouble of kidnapping Ciara to hold over his head, because Nico ultimately would've chosen loyalty to him over me.

If that wasn't the case, it had to mean there was something more going on. I couldn't shake the feeling that Nico was at the cusp of some serious moral quandary, teetering on the edge of right and wrong. Trying to figure out what right and wrong even were. I didn't really know how messed up his moral compass had been his whole life, though from the little I knew of his family, it had to be at least a little off. But I felt like I'd slowly been watching it shift, realign. Maybe I'd been wrong, and there was some other explanation. Maybe I was crazy, grasping at the ghost of a hope I couldn't even feel anymore.

But maybe I wasn't. I didn't want to give up, on the smallest chance that I was right. On the smallest chance that Nico Jasper was capable of change, and growth, and redemption.

"You're staring at me again."

I blinked; I hadn't even noticed, but now Nico was crossing his arms and frowning at me. I fought back the urge to apologize, and just shrugged instead. "Maybe if you talked to me, sometimes, I wouldn't have to stare."

Now he blinked. "Talk about what, exactly?"

"I don't know. What were you thinking about just now?"

Nico hesitated. For a moment, I thought he might actually tell me, then he shook his head. "He'll know."

"It's something you don't want him to know?"

"What? No."

"He's going to know, anyway." I sighed. "Honestly, he doesn't really care what you think, as long as he's convinced you'll obey him."

He stared at me like I'd just said something stupid. The distinction made sense to me. That was how I'd survived before, after all. Nico didn't seem to be getting it, though. "How do you expect me to convince him of that?"

"Just... I don't know. Do what he says?" I tiled my head. "Why? Do you not want to?"

His face betrayed his answer before he could say anything, the look in his eyes of a cornered animal. Desperate. "I never said that."

"You didn't have to."

"Bloody hell, Wren. What's your problem?"

"Excuse me?"

"Leave it alone. Please. You think Stillens is going to be okay with that, if he sees it?"

"I think he'll see the underlying thoughts, anyway, and it won't matter what you say."

Nico exhaled heavily, crossing his arms and turning away. "So I'm doomed, is what you're saying."

"Not necessarily."

"How am I not?" He gestured back at the house. "Because of him, my own mind isn't safe. Maybe I could live with all of this, if I was just allowed to think about it, but I can't! I'm being punished for that! And it's hurting Ciara, who certainly doesn't deserve to get dragged into this. I can't do occlumency, Wren. I can't pretend my mind is blank, and I'm an empty slate, ready to do Stillens' bidding."

As much as I wanted to tell him it didn't matter, not to worry about Stillens, he was right. Ciara was involved, now, and everything was much trickier. I had no problem telling him to choose death over obedience to Stillens, but he wasn't the one who would die anymore, and I couldn't bear to see Ciara hurt, either. I didn't know what to say, because everything was wrong, this whole situation, and there didn't seem to be an easy right answer, or even a right answer at all.

"Does the guilt ever go away?"

The guilt? Of what? Surprised at that turn, I glanced at him, but he was staring intensely at a tuft of grass a few feet away from us.

"Guilt?"

He didn't look at me. "You know. With... Mr. Potter, and everything."

I hesitated for a moment, not because I didn't know what the answer was, but because I didn't know if he would want to hear it. Because I knew exactly what he was going through, and the guilt of ending someone else's life...

Lying wouldn't help. I shook my head. "No. Not entirely." The intense look became a little more like a scowl. I looked away. "It... It can get better, though."

He looked up at me. "How?"

"I tried to make it right," I said. He didn't respond, so I kept talking, more to fill the silence than anything else. "I know I can't, not really. But... I mean, I can't make any of their deaths mean anything, but I can try to avenge them, somehow. By fighting back. Making it right. Making sure Stillens loses, in the end. And maybe I can't do that, but if I can't, I'm going to die trying."

I stopped talking, and Nico didn't say anything at first. Maybe that hadn't been what he'd meant. Maybe he'd opened up for the first time in two weeks, and I'd been too intense, too quickly. Maybe he was just wanting some quick reassurance, not advice on why defecting was the only possible option here.

Instead of confirming any of that, his next question caught me off guard. "You don't think you'll ever make it right?"

"Well, no. I don't know." I sighed. "My friends told me I already have, but I'm not sure I believe them."

"Why not?"

"I... I don't know." I hugged myself, shivering even though it was fairly warm in the sun. "Maybe it'll be different when this is all over, and Sttillens is defeated. I've done some really horrible things, you know. There's a lot to make up for."

"But I thought you were forced to."

"The lines get a little fuzzy sometimes."

Nico nodded slowly. He pulled one of his legs up and rested his chin on it, eyes still fixed on the horizon. I watched him. It was so frustrating not being able to read him. I was normally good at that, I felt like. Even when my friends had been trying to hide things from me, I could normally tell. I could see through Zaria, and Magnus, and even my parents. The only other person I'd ever struggled to read had been Stillens himself. Maybe that was what was making me so nervous now.

"Did you always... I don't know. Feel like you were a good person? Or like you could have been?"

I blinked in surprise. "I don't even feel like a good person now."

"You don't?" Nico's eyes widened as he turned to me. "Why not?"

"I... I don't know." I didn't like to think about that. I didn't know how many good things I had to do to outweigh the bad, how long it would take to make up for all the problems I'd caused, how much my intentions mattered. "Why?"

Nico looked away again. "I don't know," he said softly. "I just... You seem very sure of yourself. You always have. How did you know you could do better, while you were still here?"

My face scrunched up. I'd never had to explain this to anyone before, and I didn't know if I could. "I didn't know, really. I felt completely irredeemable. I think it took months of my friends telling me otherwise to convince myself I could be redeemed, and that was after I ran away."

"Right." He nodded again, seeming to process that. I didn't know what he was thinking, where he was trying to lead the conversation, so I didn't know what else to say. Was he trying to compare our situations? I pulled my thoughts back to the present as he shifted a little on the wall and sighed. "When you ran away, and came back... how did you know everyone would accept you?'

"What do you mean?"

"How did you know they would believe that you weren't working for your family anymore?"

I hesitated, then shook my head. "Honestly, I didn't. I thought I was going to be sent to Azkaban."

Nico's breath caught, but he didn't take his eyes off the horizon. After a moment, he said, "And you still went back, anyway?"

"It was the right thing to do." I hesitated, knowing there was more to say there. I supposed it couldn't really hurt. "And if they'd sent me to Azkaban, it would've been what I deserved. I'm very lucky that I was given a second chance."

He was watching me, now. For a moment, he just nodded thoughtfully. "How often do you think second chances come around?"

My eyes widened. "For... for yourself, you mean?"

"Possibly," was his cryptic answer.

I stared at him for a moment. He'd basically just handed me an opportunity to moralize at him. What was the most important thing to say? What would push him just enough in the right direction? "I... I think there could be one now. If you were wanting to do better. You're not too far gone, if that's what you're afraid of. Anyone that can desire to change isn't too far gone."

"Do you really think that?"

I nodded firmly. "I've done worse things than you have."

He looked down. "I chose all of this."

"You were misguided, and you made mistakes. You can make up for them, if you want to."

A deep breath. "Right." He nodded firmly, as if he'd made some decision, but instead of saying anything about that, he glanced back up at me. "I think I've kept Cassie waiting long enough."

I blinked at the sudden transition, but Nico didn't really give me time to process it. He hopped to his feet, then glanced questioningly at me. "You're welcome to stay out here, if you'd like, but I don't think Cassie will want you to play."

"Oh, that's all right." I stood up, glancing over at Cassie. She'd stopped chasing after her ball to watch us, as if she could tell Nico was about to come play with her. It would probably be best if I went back inside, since she wanted nothing to do with me. "I'll just go read, I guess."

Nico flashed me a smile. "Thanks." Somehow, I didn't think he was talking about giving him and Cassie space. I couldn't help glancing over my shoulder at them as I walked back to the house. Nico was running to chase the ball that Cassie had just kicked to him. Honestly, it looked so normal that I could almost forget that nothing was normal, and that Nico himself was possibly the most abnormal person here. 

~~~~

Question of the Day: What TV show did you binge-watch during quarantine? Give me your best pitch for why I should watch it over my ridiculously long winter break.

Answer: Star Wars the Clone Wars, obviously. It's my favorite show of all time, by far, because of amazing storylines and character development and exploration of deep concepts and just plain old nostalgia. If you're into Star Wars and haven't seen that show, go get your life together and watch it (I promise you'll thank me).

Tied for first place and another "quarantine show," technically, is Avatar the Last Airbender. I'd never seen it before, so my roommates and I started watching it over the summer and ended up watching all of the last season in a week in September when one of them came down with covid and we had to quarantine. Heck, that was an incredible show.

Vote and comment!

~Elli

Word count: 5088