~Astra~

"And... we're cut." Mr. Jordan's voice came through the speaker in the sound booth, and I glanced over at the window. The red light that signaled when I was live, actually being heard on radios, had gone out, which meant the last radio of the day had been found.

"How long was that?" I asked as I gathered up the reports I'd been reading and headed for the door.

"Twenty-seven minutes and thirteen point six seconds." Artemis grinned. "That's pretty good!"

"Nearly beat our record." Mr. Jordan clapped me on the back as I emerged from the sound booth. "Good job today. I think we do need to include the attack in Hogsmeade in our next broadcast, though."

At that, my shoulders slumped. The attack on Lily in Hogsmeade, he meant. I'd heard about it a few days ago, when Faith had been preparing the story for the Quibbler. They'd wanted me to talk about it today, of course, but I'd been sick with worry ever since, despite Mrs. Potter's assurances that Lily was perfectly safe at Hogwarts, and she'd asked both her and Wren to stay on the grounds. Mr. MacMillan was personally overseeing security at Hogwarts for now, so they and everyone else I cared about at school were all as safe as anyone could be right now. It didn't make me feel any better, though—there had been way too many close calls with people I loved lately.

"By the way, Ginny stopped by while you were broadcasting," Mr. Jordan said. "Asked if you could come up to her office."

My stomach dropped. "Why? What happened?"

"Nothing bad, I'm sure." He shrugged. "She didn't seem too concerned, Astra. She probably would've waited if it was serious."

While all of that made sense, it wasn't enough to convince my anxiety. It had only been growing over the past few weeks, since Colette had disappeared. I was constantly trying to bury my worries about her, about Albus, about my family (as if anything could even get to them!), about Wren and James and my friends at school. It was like my mind was taking any opportunity it could to imagine the worst, even when I knew that was ridiculous.

I ran all the way to the house, anyway, just in case Mr. Jordan was wrong.

When I burst into her office, Mrs. Potter seemed at ease. She raised an eyebrow as I paused at the door to gasp for breath. "You look like you've been running from dementors. Everything all right?"

"I was... just..." I managed to close the door and sink into the chair across from her. "Just felt like running..." I shook my head. "What is it? Did something happen?"

Mrs. Potter blinked as if that could possibly be a surprising question. "No, dear. I'm just going to Teddy's in a few minutes, and I wanted to know if you wanted to come."

Could it actually be that simple? I relaxed, my breath finally coming easier. I'd gone back and forth enough recently that I was starting to feel a little less like I wanted to die each time we apparated. "Oh. Yeah, I'd love that."

"Wonderful. I don't suppose you have anything more that you need to do today?"

I'd told Charlotte I'd come by the hospital wing later, but I had a feeling it would be a relief to her if I didn't show up. "No. I'm ready whenever."

"Wonderful." Mrs. Potter glanced at something on her laptop, then closed it. "We can go now, then. I did want to tell you, though, so you're not caught off guard—"

"Something did happen?" I felt like I was shrinking into my seat. I couldn't escape it, could I?

"No, Astra." She frowned at me. "Do you think I'm sitting here lying to you?" She shook her head. "No, he just wanted it to be a surprise, but I know you've been a little jumpy lately, so I wanted to give you time to prepare. Apparently, James showed up at Teddy's this morning and wants to see both of us."

My eyes widened. "James? Really?" Almost instantly, the excitement disappeared. "Did something happen with him?"

"If he's able to spend the morning at Teddy's, I think he's fine, love. From what I understand, he wants to talk to me, and realized I could bring you along."

Why couldn't my mind just accept that? I was I always waiting for the other shoe to drop these days, always expecting a storm even if there wasn't a cloud in the sky. Even though I knew logically that Mrs. Potter wouldn't lie to me, and that they would've already gotten word to us if something bad had happened... the bad feeling didn't go away. There was no reason for it; in fact, there were many good reasons for it not to be there. But here it stayed, keeping me always on the verge of tears somehow, always tired, and always, always scared.

We apparated to Teddy's with no problem, but that might have been because I felt a little bit like I was only watching myself do things, walk and knock on the door and say hello to Victoire, like I wasn't actually there. Like I was watching a movie of myself?

The daze was broken the instant that Charis came tearing out of the door and hugged my legs so tightly that I almost fell. I reached down to pick her up, smiling faintly. "Hey, Char. How are you?"

"Good!" She threw her arms around my neck, then just as quickly pulled back in my arms. "Look!"

I raised an eyebrow, not sure what she was talking about. Charis squeezed her eyes closed and stuck her tongue out a bit as if she were concentrating very hard on something. Within a few seconds, her hair color had started to change. Specifically, it started to turn pink.

Charis's eyes popped open, and she squealed at the sight of her pink hair falling over her face. "I changed!"

"Whoa! Charis, that's so cool!"

She started wriggling so much that I had to put her down, then she grabbed my hand and dragged me into the flat. "Daddy! Take picture?"

Teddy looked up from the copy of the Quibbler he was reading. "Oh my goodness! Pink? That's so cool!" He took his phone out to take a picture of her. She put her little hand on her hip and beamed, then started clapping her hands so quickly that I was surprised Teddy was able to take a picture at all.

By now, Cassie was hugging me tightly from behind, and Aunt Andromeda was patting my back. Charis finally let go of my hand, which let me turn around and hug both of them in turn.

Cassie didn't let go for several moments, then she looked up at me. "Guess what?"

"What? James is here?"

Her eyes lit up as she nodded. "He brought me some paints. And they're magic!"

"That was really sweet of him." The chaos dying down now, I finally had a chance to glance around the room, looking for James. I found him being smothered in a hug by Mrs. Potter, though he didn't seem too bothered. He caught my eye over her shoulder and smiled widely.

"I see Charis already showed you our big news," Victoire said. She picked the little girl up and ran her fingers through her hair. "She figured out how to change her hair color on purpose last night."

"Right before bed, too." Teddy grimaced. "What perfect timing."

"You were practicing past bedtime and came to wake me up in the middle of the night when you figured it out," Aunt Andromeda said with a chuckle. "And Nymphadora figured it out while we were visiting your granddad's cousins, who didn't know about magic. I'd say last night was pretty tame."

Mrs. Potter laughed from across the room. "I remember Harry complaining about that, while we were still dating. Said he couldn't take you anywhere because even though you could control when you changed, you wouldn't stop for long enough for him to even take you out for ice cream."

Teddy smiled sheepishly, though I suddenly felt like throwing up at the mention of Mr. Potter. "Okay, that does wound worse."

"How long was it before he stopped doing it all the time, just for fun?" Victoire asked. "Just so we know how long until Charis can leave the flat again."

"Just put a hat on her," James suggested. "Then no one can see it."

"It's almost May, mate. Getting too warm for that pretty soon." He shook his head, grinning anyway. "I'm so excited for this!"

"If you teach her anything naughty while she's still little—"

"Merlin, Toire, what kind of father do you think I am?" Teddy clutched his chest in mock indignation. "I would never."

James had finally extricated himself from his mum, and while Teddy and Toire started asking more questions about how to raise a budding metamorphmagus, he walked over to me. "Hey. It's been a while."

I threw my arms around him. "I've missed you so much."

"Likewise. I keep feeling like I should apparate to some Welsh hotel room and find you waiting there." He pulled back to smile sadly at me. "I'm glad you're making a difference, and I'm glad I'm at the Ministry, but I wish we didn't have to do those things alone, you know?"

"I do miss having someone who'll just get angry with me instead of being logical and calm." I laughed. "Or someone to bounce bad ideas off of."

"And only make them worse?" He chuckled as well. "I think you'd actually be very proud of how logical and calm I can be, now. Russey's really starting to trust me."

I looked down at that. He trusted him for now. What if that changed? "I'm glad. That's really good, James."

"Your broadcasts, though—you're spectacular, you know that?" He patted me on the back. "That's got to take a lot of nerve. Imagine how furious they must make Stillens."

Yeah, it really took a lot of nerve to sit in a sound booth and talk into a microphone. Could anything really count as brave if I was doing it all safely within the confines of a fidelius charm? But there was no need to burden James with that.

He'd come here first and foremost to have a long overdue chat with his mum, it seemed, so they eventually wandered off to the back bedroom. I wondered if she'd tell him about Albus. Lily and Wren certainly didn't know anything, unless Jasper really was the lying snake I thought he was and he'd told her about my breakdown. And that had been before Albus had run away. I was almost too numb to cry like that now.

While I waited for them to come back out, I half-listened to Teddy and Toire go on and on about how proud they were of Charis for her newfound skill, as well as Cassie for just about everything. She hadn't had any nightmares since I'd returned to headquarters, it seemed, and her gloomy episodes lately hadn't been as long or intense, either. Not that those things were in her control, but she was also picking things up really quickly in the homeschooling they'd been doing. It had gotten a lot more organized since Aunt Andromeda had moved in, apparently, and Cassie seemed to be thriving that way.

The half of me that wasn't listening was running through my list of worries, both actual and potential, just like it always was. I couldn't stop it any more than I could stop a meteor headed straight for our planet. That's kind of what these worries, felt like, too—I was watching without any ability to do anything about any of it, watching as all my worries careened towards my reality. Knowing that everything was going to end when they finally hit the ground, and I was helpless to stop it.

I think it had been over an hour before the Potters made an appearance again. It was enough to snap me back a little closer to reality, as if someone had wiped the snow off the block of ice I was frozen in. I managed a faint smile as James sat down next to me on the floor. "Did that go well?"

His smile seemed a little watery. "Better than well. Better than I expected, at least. I thought she'd be angrier."

"Did you cry?"

"Shove off." He shook his head a little, smiling in spite of himself. "I suppose you've been doing wonderful lately?"

"Perfectly." I looked away so he wouldn't see the truth in my expression. "No complaints here."

"Astra..." I didn't turn to look at him, just felt him shift next to me. "Mum... Mum told me about Albus."

"Oh." Well, there went pretending. "I might be a bit less than perfect, then."

He patted my back gently, and a lump very rudely appeared in my throat with no warning. "Albus is capable, you know," James said quietly. "I'm sure, wherever he is, he's taking care of himself. I'm sure he's safe."

"But you don't know. No one does." When I blinked, there were tears in my eyes. "When is it going to be over?"

"I don't know. Someday soon, I hope." He sighed. "I'm afraid of what Russey will ask Wren to do once she's graduated, you know. The Ridley trial nearly broke her down completely."

I cursed. "I'm sure my broadcasts didn't make that a lot better for her, did they?"

"Ciara told us she'd put on a brave face, but they shook her a little. But it's not your fault. It's Russey." He ran a hand through his hair. "I'm not sure I can watch her go through something like that again."

"I worry it's never going to end."

For a moment, James didn't respond. I watched him drum his fingers across his knee. "It will, one way or the other." He hesitated, then leaned closer. "Listen, I need to tell you something. Mum doesn't want you to know, but I think you deserve to."

I glanced at him, eyes wide. Alarm bells were going off in my head. Someone was hurt? Or dead? Had they heard something about Colette?

"You heard Lily got attacked at Hogsmeade?"

"Yeah." I pursed my lips, trying to keep my mind from jumping through all the horrible things it could think of before James had even said anything. "What about it?"

"You know Katreena Predatel was there?"

I vaguely remembered being told that, but it hadn't seemed that unusual at the time. Of course she would be there, doing what she loved best: torturing teenagers. Now, though, I had suddenly realized all the terrible things that might mean. Had she done something worse to Lily than they'd told me? Lily was actually okay, right? Or maybe Wren had been nearby, and she'd terrorized her, somehow. Or maybe—

"Listen, I'm telling you this because I think you ought to know, but it absolutely has nothing to do with you, okay? It would've happened anyway eventually, I'm sure."

I resisted the urge to smack him. "Bloody hell, James, get to the point."

"Okay, okay." He put his hands up. "Just... don't freak out, okay?"

"About what?"

He glanced around the room, though no one else seemed to be paying any attention to us. Aunt Andromeda and Teddy were either cooking lunch or making a mess in the kitchen, Mrs. Potter and Victoire still seemed to be discussing Charis, and the little girls had gotten some dress-up clothes out to play princesses. James still leaned closer and lowered his voice. "Did they tell you that they were targeting Lily, specifically?"

I suddenly felt very cold. "I thought it was just bad luck."

"No." He sighed heavily. "They ambushed her and her friends on the way to the Shrieking Shack, then knocked the other three out immediately. Katreena wanted to talk to Lily."

Now that, I did know. At least that she'd had her little evil villain monologue moment, which wasn't unusual for her. "I thought Lily didn't remember any of it."

"No. That's just what Mum and MacMillan told us to say, so the story wouldn't get out. Which I get—they don't want Stillens thinking you'd heard..."

"Get to the point." My voice was more of a whisper than I'd meant it to be, but it was enough to make James wince.

"Well... Katreena had a message for you." He took a deep breath. "Apparently, they've left messages before that I guess no one's told you about. She said that this was your final warning. If you keep 'ignoring' these messages, something worse than people getting hurt would happen. Next time, someone's going to die."

My breath caught, and I realized I'd clenched my hands so tightly that my fingernails were digging into my skin. I couldn't breathe. I couldn't think. This couldn't be happening. "What... what were the messages?"

"Stillens wants you to turn yourself in."

Oh no. Oh no oh no oh no oh no. That was the exact same thing he'd asked me to do in his letter last spring, the one that made me try to disappear in the first. He'd threatened to hurt people I cared about then; I guess he'd finally decided to make good on that promise. This was what I'd been trying to avoid by disappearing, going into hiding. I'd known being in the DA wouldn't be enough to stop him. How many other "warnings" had I gotten? Had burning down my home been a warning? Had Colette and Albus being arrested been a warning?

And now someone was going to die?

"Whoa, Astra, breathe." James' hand was on my arm, though I couldn't remember when he'd put it there. I tried to look at him, but it was like I was peering down a long tunnel. I couldn't breathe. I wasn't getting enough air. Everything felt like it was spinning, or maybe it felt like I was spinning. The pit in my stomach was so big, and I'd finally fallen into it. Only two words could get through the chaos: my fault my fault my fault.

"Astra." James's voice, so far away, sounded concerned. I looked at him again (was he further away?) and saw alarm on his face. "Deep breath, okay? In, out. Just breathe with me."

It seemed silly to do that when I was falling into an infinite abyss, but I managed to focus my energy on copying James. Breathe. In, out. In, out. In, out. I suddenly realized that I was back in my own body, the buzzing that had been in my head this whole time starting to fade. "Thanks," I whispered.

James waved his hand as if dismissing that. "No worries. Astra, you have to understand that none of this is your fault, right? Stillens would be hurting people whether you gave in or not. He's only trying to make you feel responsible."

I shook my head. "No. No, he's just following through on what he said he'd do. He told me this would happen, remember? And the past few months, I've been pretending that he won't. But he has. And... no one even told me?"

"Mum was trying to keep you from feeling guilty for it. She had good intentions."

"But it's not her choice to make! If Stillens is trying to get through to me, I deserve to know, don't I? I... I should get to make my own choices..."

"Choices? What are you talking about?" James shook his head. "There aren't any choices here. What, I suppose you're going to turn yourself in?"

"No..." I blinked, eyes wet again even though I was starting to feel like punching through a wall. "I mean, I don't know. This is why I wanted to disappear. To keep this from happening."

"What you're doing now is way more important than anything you could be doing from a muggle hotel room," James said. He frowned at me. "Even if you were there, he'd still be hurting people. You just wouldn't know about it."

"It wouldn't be the same." My hands were starting to shake, and I balled them into fists again. "If he's doing this because I'm not answering him, then it's partially my fault. I could make it stop. And maybe he'd still hurt people, but it wouldn't be because of me."

"Are you mad?"

"Are you?" I stood up, glaring down at him. "I don't think you'd understand, James. You've never had to face anything like this before, and you never will! You don't understand the pressure I've been under for years, okay? You don't know what it's like to have people getting hurt for you, dying for you, over and over and over again, and finally being given a choice to stop it."

"That's not what this is!" James was on his feet now, too, brow furrowed in concern. "He's lying to you. He's trying to use your love for other people against you. Can't you see that?"

"I can't let anyone else die for me!"

I didn't realize I'd yelled that until I noticed that the room had grown unnaturally quiet. Everyone was staring at me, confusion and concern on their faces. Cassie was clinging to Teddy, absolutely terrified, and even Charis seemed startled. I watched her lip start trembling, then she burst into tears.

Mrs. Potter was out of her seat and marching towards us before I even had time to apologize. "James Sirius Potter, what did you do?"

"She deserved to know," James said with very little conviction.

"You're lucky there are children present," she snapped, her glare enough to make him cower, despite the fact that he was significantly taller than she was. Before I could think of anything to say, she'd turned to me, expression softening. "What did he tell you, dear?"

I pulled away as she tried to put her hand on my arm. "Just the truth. Why didn't you tell me?"

She glanced over her shoulder to where Teddy was bouncing Charis around in his arms, trying to calm her crying, and Victoire had crouched down to comfort Cassie. "Why don't we talk in the bedroom," she said, more of a demand than a question. I grudgingly followed her into the girls' room. One look from his mum made James stay in the hallway.

"How could you not tell me Stillens was sending me messages? And hurting people because I was ignoring them?"

Mrs. Potter sighed. "That is not why he's hurting people. He's trying to get in your head, make you feel responsible so that you'll turn yourself in."

"Lily wouldn't have been targeted if it wasn't for me."

"We don't know that." She shook her head, sitting down on the end of one of the beds. "Stillens is a very unstable man, Astra. You should know that better than anyone. You can't blame yourself because he's trying to give you some terrible ultimatum."

"Oh, so I'm just supposed to let someone die? Someone who wouldn't, otherwise?"

"Those are not the only options here, love. He's just trying to make you think they are. I promise, every member of your family, every friend is being protected by a ridiculous amount of DA security."

"That's not true! What about James? And Wren and Lily and Ciara and Elcie are at Hogwarts, where we know of three people who are actively working for Stillens. You're telling me Haverna and Nico Jasper are enough protection against three people who are completely mad?"

"Ernie is overseeing security there. They're as safe as they could possibly be."

"Which isn't safe enough! How many times has Isaac Predatel gotten onto the grounds? In the castle?"

"I'm not arguing about Hogwarts' security, Astra," Mrs. Potter said sternly. "They are safe. You simply have to accept that. That's not what we're talking about."

"You're right. We're talking about how you've been lying to me!"

"I haven't done anything of the sort. There are plenty of things you don't know, for your safety and the safety of others. You know that."

"But those things don't normally revolve around me!" I glared at her. "How long has this been happening?"

"Only a few months."

"Months?" I felt the pit widening again, but my anger was more than enough to keep me grounded. "You're been hiding this from me for months?"

"Yes!" Mrs. Potter shook her head. "You're asking why? Because I didn't want you to spiral like this. Neville and I agreed that you didn't need to know."

"It doesn't matter if it would make me spiral! Stillens was trying to get a message to me, and you haven't even let me know about it for so long that he's going to kill someone!"

"This is a war, Astra! People are going to die! You can't start feeling responsible for that."

Why couldn't she understand? Why couldn't anyone? I wanted to start crying; I wanted to scream. This wasn't fair. No one else could really know what it was like to have to watch people die for them, to have to deal with that guilt for years, knowing that if they'd done things just a little different, none of that would've happened at all. No else knew what it was like to be given the choice to make it stop, and having to choose between doing what was right and the lives of the people they cared about. No one except... well, except Mr. Potter.

Without any warning, I burst into tears. Like, really burst into tears—sinking down onto the bed, burying my head in my arms, sobbing so hard that I couldn't catch my breath yet again. This wasn't what I wanted! I was still angry! Why was I crying when the overwhelming emotion I was feeling was rage?

I felt the bed dip as Mrs. Potter sat down next to me, but I pulled away from her as she tried to put her arm around me. I didn't want to be comforted, not about this. Pouri wouldn't have died if I'd been a little bit smarter. Mr. Potter wouldn't have died if I'd been a little bit less stubborn. If I'd paid attention to my bad feelings, if I'd paused to think things through, if I'd done anything that made logical sense. But I didn't, and they were gone, and they'd died for me. If Stillens had gotten his way years ago, they'd still be alive. No wonder they hadn't wanted to tell me he was hurting people in my name. They couldn't understand the horrors of watching the light leave someone's eyes and knowing it was preventable, that you were the one who could've prevented it.

This particular torrent was starting to pass, though the storm was still raging. I was hiccupping between sobs, now, trying to force myself to breathe slowly. Trying to think of a way to make her see, even though I was nearly too tired to think. Instead, what came out probably surprised both of us.

"I want to die."

I imagined that Mrs. Potter froze at that. I was cringing internally, but the more that I thought about that, I realized it was true. Or, more aptly, I wanted to already be dead, to have died before any of this could have happened.

"Astra, love, a world without you in it would be such a dark place."

"Mr. Potter would still be alive if I'd never been born."

I'd expected her to hesitate just a little at that, prove my point, but she didn't "You can't possible know that."

"Professor Pouri would still be alive, too. And Mrs. Longbottom. Maybe even Poppy's family."

"Astra." She put her hand on my shoulder, and I finally let it stay. "You can't think that way. Things are never that simple, and I think you know that. If you weren't here, Stillens would still have come here. The war would've started, and people would've died. He might have even focused his attention on some other child, making them face everything you have."

That didn't really change anything about what was happening now, to me. Didn't change the fact that here I was, alive, and only because people kept making horrible sacrifices for me.

Mrs. Potter sighed heavily. "If you'd never been here, so many wonderful things wouldn't have happened either, you know. I doubt we'd have ever had Wren with us. Your family would never have gotten the surprise of a long-lost cousin. We wouldn't have a voice speaking out against Stillens, someone for people to rally behind. Your father wouldn't have an advocate. And I know you've made both of my sons better people, just by being their friend."

Why was I shaking now? Of course, those were good things. I didn't know how true some of them were (hadn't I just made James and Al worse?), but even if they were all true, how could they outweigh the guilt I was feeling?

"I don't want anyone else to die for me." I at least knew that.

"I know. That's never easy." Her arm was around my shoulders now, and in spite of myself I leaned over to rest my head on her shoulder. "It's something you have to process on your own, in your own way. I know. But I need you to know that Harry didn't just die for you and Albus and Wren. He died fighting for a better future, for you and for everyone else who survives to see it."

"That doesn't make it easier." I closed my eyes tightly. "This... I don't think I can handle it if he kills someone else."

"Sometimes, Astra, the hard decisions we have to make aren't about sacrificing ourselves, but being able to let go of others as they choose to do the same thing."

My eyes opened, and I sat back so I could look at her face. To my surprise, she looked like she was about to cry. She gave me a watery smile. "It's so hard, learning to let go. But if you don't do it, you'll end up losing yourself completely."

I didn't know if that were really true or if I just wanted it to be. It didn't make me feel any better, of course. Didn't take away the guilt, or the fear. I actually couldn't tell you what it did, except maybe give me a tiny little bit of hope. Maybe it wouldn't always be like this.

"I'm sorry we didn't tell you about the messages," Mrs. Potter said gently. "Maybe we should have. But I can promise that we'll do everything in our power to stop Stillens from fulfilling his threats. Is that enough, for now?"

It had to be, didn't it? I looked down at my lap and nodded. "I guess so."

She pulled me into a hug before I realized it was happening. "You've been so strong, Astra. I'm proud of you, and I'm hoping you only have to hold out a little longer."

And there we go, crying again. I couldn't remember when I'd become such a mess. At least Mrs. Potter didn't seem to mind.

~~~~

Honestly, this chapter was a little bit cathartic for me, sitting down and trying to describe what serious anxiety can look and feel like. Sorry it just made things more painful for you.

If it makes you feel any better, today I'm making hard decisions about who I as the author need to let go of. Because... well... to be totally honest if I just did what I want instead of what the story needs, there would be no more deaths from here on out. But that's incredible unrealistic and undercuts the whole message of this chapter. So... hard decisions.

Question of the Day: What's your favorite holiday? Why?

Answer: I love Christmas. I know it's wildly over-commercialized in America, but getting to spend time with family and decorate and sings carols and drive around looking at lights... all of it still feels magical to me, even if it's in a different way than when I was a kid. 

Vote and comment!

~Elli

Word count: 5206