~Albus~

I really shouldn't have been surprised when they sprang Cassie on me again, especially after I refused to talk to Astra. It wasn't like I'd tried to. I just... I couldn't move. Couldn't say anything. Colette was as good as dead, and here they were trying to trick me into letting that go.

It wasn't all that either. I'm sure I was a little relieved to see that Astra really was doing all right like they'd said, even if she couldn't do any better at explaining than her stupid letter had. The thing is, though... Listen, they forced me to leave Colette behind, but she chose to leave us. I couldn't talk to her about that. Couldn't face it yet, the pain and confusion and anger I'd buried nine months ago. Couldn't forgive her. Not on my own, at least. Not without Colette. We'd had to go through all of this together, and the thought of trying to sort the pieces back together without her was impossible.

So instead I just let Astra break down in tears, my thoughts waging war so far beneath the surface of my mind that I'm sure she couldn't even tell I'd noticed her at all. Before I could even think about coming out of it, she was gone.

Now it was Cassie sitting on the edge of my bed, hugging herself tightly and staring at her shoes as she swung her legs. She'd been in here for several minutes and hadn't said anything beyond hello. Since I couldn't tell what she wanted to say, and she'd just frowned thoughtfully when I'd asked, I'd resigned myself to wait.

When she sighed dramatically, I was a little caught off guard. She'd turned to me, brow furrowed like she'd been trying to work out some puzzle but hadn't been able to. "Why did you make Astra cry?"

I pursed my lips. Yes, Albus, why? "I... it's complicated. I didn't mean to."

"Astra said that you're still her friend," Cassie said slowly, "but I don't think friends do that."

"Is she still here?"

She shook her head, a flash of sadness crossing her face. I winced and closed my eyes. What did it matter if she was? "Listen, it's not... I don't think you're old enough to understand."

When I looked back up at her, I was surprised to find her glaring at me. "I know a lot of things that I'm too young to know about," she snapped, sitting up straighter as she did. "Gran said so."

I managed to sigh instead of groan. "I can't explain it, Cassie—"

"You can't make my friends cry!" She hesitated for a moment, but I was too stunned to think of something to say to that. I hadn't realized she might think... I don't know, that I was some horrible person. I wasn't. I couldn't be. I wasn't a monster, someone little girls like Cassie were going to be afraid of...

"Nico told me that friends aren't supposed to hurt you and make you cry and not care," she said in a soft, hollow voice. "That if someone acts like that, they're not really a good person." My heart clenched—he'd been talking about Katreena, hadn't he? Cassie thought I was like Katreena Predatel. Maybe... maybe I was.

"But Astra said you're a good person." She was whispering now that she finally met my eyes again. "You're just really hurt, and sick, and trying to get better. Is that true?"

Astra had said I was sick? I felt a lump growing in my throat. Had they told her I was a werewolf? Was that what she meant? Didn't matter. I bit my lip and focused on the present, on Cassie staring at me with such a scared and pained expression. No matter what I was now, monster or not, I couldn't let it hurt a little kid. "Yes." I tried not to wince. "She's right."

She tilted her head, visibly relaxing as she did. "She meant you're hurt inside, right? Like me?"

I nodded quickly. "Yeah." With a grim smile, I held my arm up. "These are just scars. They don't hurt anymore. It's mainly in my head."

Cassie nodded like she'd already known that, but she leaned away a little all the same. "I'm not going to start making my friends cry, am I? To get better?"

Without meaning to, I laughed. When Cassie's frown deepened I had to quickly pull myself together. "No. It's more complicated than that. Astra... well..." The laughter was gone, and in its place I just felt hollow. "I'm angry at her, too. Like Teddy, but it's for something else."

"What did she do?"

Well... I sighed. Explaining it the way I wanted to painted Astra as an incredibly cruel person, and I wasn't angry enough to ruin her friendship with Cassie. But that meant trying to see things from her perspective, too. I had a right to be angry, didn't I?

"Astra ran away over the summer," I explained. "She thought that if she left, then Stillens wouldn't care about the rest of us, so we wouldn't be hurt. She thought that leaving us would protect us, I guess. But it didn't. It just really hurt all of us who were left behind. And I guess I'm still upset about that, okay? She didn't even say goodbye."

"Oh." Cassie was looking down at her shoes again. "But didn't she say sorry?"

If only it were that simple. I was feeling too many things all at once, unfortunately, and the only standby emotion seemed to be anger. "She did. But sometimes it takes a while to stop hurting, even after someone says they're sorry."

Cassie considered that, and I couldn't tell if she understood what I meant or not. It was all complicated, like I'd said. I hadn't meant to hurt her feelings when I'd said it was over her head. It was just the truth.

But now I got the feeling she was afraid of me. Of this angry, scary person I'd become who apparently didn't accept apologies or care about making his friends cry. I guess I really did sound like a monster. Really was a monster.

I was startled out of my thoughts by Cassie pushing herself off the bed. She turned to frown at me. "I hope you can get better soon. It's not very nice to make people cry."

Though I opened my mouth, I couldn't actually think of anything to say. Had I just been told off by a seven-year-old? It wasn't really that simple, of course, but that still cut like she's stabbed something into me.

Cassie must have noticed a change in my expression, because she suddenly seemed regretful. She came a little closer and hesitantly patted my arm. "It's okay, though. Sometimes, when I'm having a nightmare, I get so scared that I accidentally hit Victoire when I'm waking up. And I don't mean to, but I know it hurts, sometimes. Is it like that?"

"Something like it," I said softly. I had to swallow hard to keep the lump in my throat from turning into more.

She nodded solemnly and patted my hand. "It'll get better. You'll wake up sooner, and it won't be as scary."

Why was Cassie sitting here trying to comfort me? I was the adult here, not the traumatized child. I managed a smile that for once didn't look like a grimace. "Right. Soon Colette will be here, and we can all get better together, yeah?"

Her face lit up as she nodded vigorously. "Exactly!" She grinned at me, as if everything were suddenly solved, and I found myself wishing I was seven or ten or thirteen again, and this could all be that easy.

~~~~

Teddy left on my birthday. I wouldn't have even known it was my birthday except that Mum came by, and Victoire made cupcakes. I ate one because Charis and Cassie brought it to me (and Cassie said Charis might cry if I refused).

Astra wasn't there. I shouldn't have been surprised, after the way I'd treated her last time she'd come, but I couldn't help feeling disappointed. Maybe I'd be able to surface next time, actually talk through some of this with her.

No one was really in the mood to celebrate, even when I let Mum drag me out of the guest bedroom and actually sat at the table for once. Teddy was making a valiant effort to be cheerful, but Victoire was subdued and Mum was fussing over him and the girls were both hanging on him solemnly like they were saying goodbye forever. My stomach was doing flips until he left, though I wasn't admitting that to anyone. I could just hope that next time I saw him, Colette would be at his side.

The next few days were incredibly dull. I spent most of my time staring out the window, watching the muggles go about their daily lives on the street below. Charis, who had apparently realized I could leave the bedroom, came in often to see if I would come play with her. I never did, but she never seemed deterred by that. Most of the time, she'd just end up dragging a basket of toys into the bedroom and introducing me to all of her stuffed animals or acting out some Disney movie with her dolls.

Sometimes Cassie joined in. Sometimes she just hovered near the door, watching. I got the feeling that she was terrified of me at times, but it seemed to come and go. When she wasn't scared, she had no problem telling me that she thought I'd made Victoire sad by not coming out for breakfast, for example. Or quietly ask me if I had nightmares, too, and what did I do about them? Suffer through it wasn't a good answer, of course, so I never knew what to say when she seemed to be wanting advice.

Victoire brought me a copy of the Quibbler every day, but I couldn't bring myself to pick it up. For one thing, just the sight of it reminded me so much of Colette that my eyes filled with tears, but I also just couldn't bring myself to care about any of it. I knew that if there was any truly good news about anything, Victoire would tell me, so why weigh myself down with even more terrible things I had no control over?

Mum stopped by again later in the week, this time to drop off a used wand for me. She didn't say where it had come from, but I was pretty sure I recognized it as being my granddad's. Thinking about that made me think about death, which was dangerously close to a host of things I never wanted popping into my head (Dad's dead, Wren's gone, Colette's not safe). Best not to think about that. It was my wand for now, at least. That's it.

Of course, most of what I used it for was closing the door without getting out of bed. Even that was difficult. I could tell this wand wasn't used to being used at all, let alone being used by someone other than Granddad. It was like trying to walk with crutches—it worked, but it was very difficult and inconvenient. Victoire assured me it would get better with practice, and even offered to help me get up on the roof to do it, but I told her I'd practice on my own.

On the evening of the fifth day, though, something happened. I'd been listening to the sounds of Toire putting the girls to bed—splashing in the bath, reading bedtime stories, that sort of stuff—and it had only quieted down for a few minutes when I heard the front door opening. That was weird, because I'm pretty sure Toire would never have left the girls alone with me at all, let alone without telling me. Without even thinking about it, I grabbed my wand and rushed into the hallway.

Victoire was just inside the doorway to her bedroom, casting an anxious look down the hallway. She bit her lip when she saw me, and I saw she also had her wand gripped tightly in her hand. "You heard that, then?"

"How could someone be here?" I whispered. "I thought there was a fidelius charm."

"Surely it's just Mrs. Tonks..." Toire's grip on her wand didn't loosen as she started slowly down the hallway, though, and I didn't relax as I followed her.

As we came around the corner into sight of the kitchen, I realized there was someone sitting at the table. I couldn't make out much about them in the dim light, but...

"Merlin, Teddy!" Victoire nearly sagged in relief as she came to a stop in front of me. "You nearly gave us a heart attack. What were..."

She trailed off, and anything snippy I might have said died on my tongue, too. The figure had looked up, confirming that it was indeed Teddy (to be fair, the brown hair threw me off). But instead of a teasing smile at scaring us so badly, or even surprise, Teddy's expression was crestfallen. I stepped around Toire to get a better look. There were tear tracks running down his face, and he was staring at both of us uncomprehendingly, as if he really didn't know what Toire was talking about.

I felt my heart drop. "What is it?"

Teddy shook his head, and before I could say anything, Toire had pushed past me to put her arms around him, face pulled into a worried frown. I passed my wand back and forth between my hands, staring at Teddy and repeating what is it what is it what is it over and over in my head so that I couldn't actually imagine any of the horrible things that were creeping into my head.

"I swear, I did my best," Teddy said in a hollow voice. I winced, feeling like that alone had knocked the breath out of me. Perhaps I needed to sit down.

"No one knows what happened. We were watching her so closely, and then, one day... she was just gone."

"Gone?" I repeated, blinking and shaking my head. Not possible. This wasn't possible. "What do you mean, gone?"

"Disappeared. Vanished. Completely erased from the system." He finally looked up at me, and I could see tears threatening to spill over again. "It's like she was never there at all."

Gone. I tried to take a breath, but nothing seemed to come in.

Gone. It'd barely been a week. How could...?

Gone. Hot tears were spilling out of my eyes, and I realized I was sobbing when Victoire's arms were suddenly wrapped around me. I pushed her away.

Gone. That could only mean one thing, couldn't it? If Colette was gone, she was... she was...

"You said you'd get her out!"

Teddy winced like I'd actually slapped him. "I... I didn't think..."

"He did all he could," Victoire said soothingly.

I twisted away from her voice. "If that were true, she'd be here! You... you didn't... and now she's..." Sobs were making it impossible to keep going, and I ended up burying my head in my arms on the table. "I hate you! Both of you!"

I'm sure they exchanged a worried glance over my head, but at least Victoire didn't touch me again. After a minute or so, I heard one of the shift, then Teddy sighed. "Albus, I... I know. I have no idea what happened, but we should've done better. Should've expected something like this, prepared for it..."

"You couldn't have known," Toire argued.

I raised my head. "Yes, you could have. I told you! I told you what would happen to her. Told you not to take me. And you didn't listen."

"Albus—"

"Shut up, Toire!" I stood up, slamming my hand down on the table as I did. "She's dead, isn't she? And it's his fault!"

Victoire was glaring at me now, despite Teddy's hand on her arm trying to hold her back. I was too angry to care, honestly, but I also didn't want to be anywhere near Teddy ever again. After shooting him. The most poisonous glare I could, I turned to storm back to my room.

Cassie was in the entrance to the hallway, clutching a stuffed rabbit and watching the three of us with a scared expression. We must've woken her up. Or, well, I must have. I tried to wipe the glare off my face just long enough to pass her, but it didn't matter; she shrank away from me anyway.

After I'd slammed the door and locked it with three spells, I sank to the ground. Gone. She was gone. After all of that, everything we'd gone through... it was over. She was gone.

She might not be dead, I reasoned. She might've broken. Somehow, that didn't make me feel better. If that had happened, it was my fault. That meant I'd been the one keeping her from breaking, and me leaving had really done her in more than anything else.

Either way, if she wasn't dead now, she would be soon. She was completely beyond help. I wasn't stupid enough to think that they'd let her live longer than she was useful.

As hot, angry tears poured down my cheeks, I slammed my fist into the floor. This wasn't fair! She deserved so much better than this. She'd been through so much, held out for so long... and this was how it ended? It wasn't fair. I wanted to scream, or hurl something out the window, or pound my fist against the wall until it broke, but I couldn't do any of that. All I could manage was pulling my knees up to my chest and crying into them.

At some point, Teddy or Victoire knocked on the door, but I didn't answer. They might have said something, but I didn't listen. I stayed there, curled against the wall and head on my knees, for hours. Listened to the flat grow quiet again as everyone went to sleep. All the while, I could only think one thing: Gone.

It was three in the morning when I finally stood up. My face was long dry, but I wiped at it anyway, trying to scrub away the pain that was making me want to cry all over again. I glanced at the bed, still unmade from last time I'd slept on it, then at the door. They'd want to talk in the morning. Try to calm me down. Teddy would apologize with less crying, probably. They'd bring Mum in, and she'd try to comfort me. They'd all be playing "defuse the bomb," and I didn't think I could handle that. Not now. None of them could possibly understand. I didn't want to feel better right now. I didn't deserve to.

I didn't want to watch Teddy cry, and I didn't want to see Victoire struggling to restrain herself from snapping at me. I didn't want Mum to come comfort me, or even Astra to. I didn't want to see Cassie again, see the fear in her eyes one more time.

I couldn't stay locked in this room forever, though. They'd get through my charms eventually. If I wanted to get away from them, I'd have to leave.

Where? I didn't know. Honestly, I had no ideas in my mind as I picked my wand back up and took the charms down. Technically, I was pretty sure I was a wanted criminal, so I'd have to go into hiding somewhere else, which could only mean the DA. But anywhere else with a DA presence would probably just tell Mum and Teddy where I was, and no matter how much I fought, I'd have to see them again eventually.

Was there anyone I knew of in the DA that I could convince to keep me hidden from the DA itself? I quietly closed my door behind me and padded down the hall, trying to even think of a list of people who weren't in hiding. Or at least hadn't been in December. Maybe I'd just have to run off on my own...

No, I wouldn't. I felt a relieved smile cross my face as I stepped out onto the landing. Wasn't a safehouse, but hopefully it would do. I spun on my heel, praying that this wand would work for aapparation.

My destination? Hogsmeade.

~~~~

Question of the day: If you suddenly went from hardly having time to sleep to having literally nothing to do for weeks on end, what would you do? Asking for a friend...

Answer: Listen, graduating was cool, but I'm very bored and unfortunately it seems my answer is "play the sims constantly." I'm trying to get onto a schedule of writing, though!

Vote and comment!

~Elli

Word count: 3428