He wished he would never wake up, that could be one way of making his dreams last. But that wish was an impossibility. For to dream; one had to sleep and sleep appeared to be as fickle as his dreams. Haunted by dreams that had died, dreams that had been killed, dreams that had been broken; his life seemed to be a perpetual pursuit of an elusive dream, a simple dream of love and laughter.

But dreams come slow and they go so fast....

Badi Maa and Bade Papa, they were the parents he adored and loved, it was a glance of appreciation from his Bade Papa that he craved for, worked for and lived for. One gesture of affection from his Badi Maa was enough to wipe out all aches of his heart.

When he had realised how wrong he had been in seeking revenge from his Bade Papa, he had been wracked by guilt and remorse and had hoped for forgiveness when he had merged his firm with theirs. It was befitting he had felt, the embodiment of five years of his life, his sweat, toil and blood now being amalgamated with their enterprise. He thought he was close to his dream of being a son of that house.

When they had accepted his love for Swara and welcomed her with open arms, his Bade Papa had declared her to be the daughter of the house. He had been very happy though it was his dream to be a son of that house. And on that day, when Laksh had broken all rules and married Kavya, his Bade Maa had lamented as to why her son could not be a little like him. He sympathized with her but felt a trickle of pride, too.

He prided himself for being the son they wanted; till he realized that there was a difference between being a son and being like a son. One word and a world of difference, he thought ruefully, and he learnt that though he was of their blood, he was never of their family.

For when it came to choose, they chose their errant sons over him.

But dreams come slow and they go so fast....

His parents, whom he loved to a fault. And who loved him too, but just not as much as he would have liked or wanted. With his father worshiping his elder brother and his mother following her Jiji, he was always second in their affections. As a child, despite the love he received from his Badi Maa and Bade Papa, he dreamt of being a son, not a nephew loved as one.

He had been grateful when his mother had supported him in his mad quest for revenge, though he was not sure of what passion drove her. She had not been pleased when he had stepped aside from his plan for revenge and had been furious when he had decided to stand by Swara. His mother had then gone on to side with Ragini, to stand against him and Swara; it hurt but he did not care, much.

His father had already declared his liking for Swara and actually taken her side against him, when he had decided to free Swara from the bonds of, what was then, a loveless marriage, for she had not loved him. When finally all the truths came to the fore, and Swara accepted that she loved him too and his mother came around, he hoped, hoped that his dream of a loving family would last.

He had held on to that dream for quite some time, till it was shattered by the words and deeds of his cousin.

He chose his mother; his father chose his brother and his mother followed suit when she decided to forget everything and side with her Jiji. All that was left of that dream was the bitter taste of loss.

But dreams come slow and they go so fast....

His cousins, Adarsh, whom he respected and Laksh, whom he loved and neither had hesitated to hurt him. It had always been his lot to make up to them, the first to extend the olive branch. They took it as their due.

Adarsh had betrayed his family; he faced the consequences of that betrayal.

Laksh, always quick to judge and slow to forgive; had not minced any words when he ranted as to how he perceived him to be. He would still have forgiven him, if Laksh had not stooped so low to vilify his mother. He had been outraged, rightly so, he felt, but then his impulsive cousin had not desisted even then. Laksh had gone ahead to 'perform' his Shraadh; it hurt more than he could express and he took a stance, which had not gone down well with most, especially Swara.

Frustrated at the turn of the events, he and Laksh had come to blows, and his family believed that he would have killed Laksh, if they had not stepped in when they did. Impetuous and brash as Laksh was, he simply disappeared from their lives, leaving him to face their wrath towards his actions.

All he had were slivers of a broken dream, a dream of brothers and a brotherly bond, one that had been broken by those very brothers.

But dreams come slow and they go so fast....

Ragini, his dupatta wali dost, the one to whom he had confided his darkest dream, one of vengeance and vendetta. The only one who understood what it was to lose the person you loved and the burning pain of that loss. She had been a good friend, but even that friendship had not lasted, she could not step aside from the path they had taken, despite his ardent pleas. She betrayed him, ruined his integrity and had gone so far so as to cast the most damaging allegation a woman could cast, of molesting her. Her machinations and manipulations did not stop there and yet she was always forgiven. Even he did forgive her, never held any grudge for all she did to him.

But they could never be friends again, even though he had a small reluctant admiration for the way her brain worked, that was one dream that had dissipated very quickly.

But dreams come slow and they go so fast....

Kavita, his friend and first love, for whom he had left his family. The one, whose death drove him to the dark pathways of despair and for whom he almost destroyed every dream of his. It had taken him five years to get back to his family, masked as a mad man and three months to play with their lives and five months to truly start living again. At the end of that year, when he stood poised for a new beginning, she had come back alive and demanded that he return to her.

He tried to stay true to that hazy lost dream of his, she had been his first love and he hoped he could learn to love her again. She had pretended to free him from his pledge and instead had turned his life into a living nightmare.

It was also the only dream that had freed him when it had shattered.

But dreams come slow and they go so fast....

Swara, he did not even know where to begin; she had been with him for such a short time in his life and had managed to become his life. She was only supposed to be a pawn in his game of revenge; she had twisted the stakes when she turned out to be an angel in disguise, the light of her forgiveness pulling him back from the brink of darkness.

He never knew when his journey towards forgiveness and redemption had ended with them falling in love with each other. He had only wanted forgiveness and had willingly given of himself, never expecting a reciprocation of his love for her. He had stood by her when the world was against her, supported her when none believed her and always reposed utmost faith in her while she doubted him at every turn in life.

She was his universe, while she considered him to be a significant presence in her world. He would be upset with what she did while she would get angry with him. It hurt but he loved her too much and he would let it go. He bore public and private humiliation for her, it did not matter; he loved her too much to see her hurt. He thought she would also do what he wanted, till she shattered that wish, the day he asked her to stand by him.

She believed only one could be right; refusing to understand that both could differ and yet be right. She forgave everyone by forgetting what they did but with him, she would always remember, somehow forgiving him appeared to make her remember his past travesties with greater clarity. And though she loved him, she could never trust him; would never believe a word of his till he proved himself.

He was tired, of having to proving himself to her, over and over again. Of hoping that she would trust him, with a fraction of the faith she reposed in her family who never lost a chance to let her down. Of wanting to be believed, like she chose to believe her childhood friend whom she had not seen for fifteen years over the man to whom she had willingly given of her body, mind, heart and soul.

She had been the dream that had made all his other dreams fade to insignificance. And now, in her absence, his life had become insignificant and there was no hope of any dream.

But dreams come slow and they go so fast....

_____________________________________________________________________

Cont'd.