The drive home was another silent affair, but this time that silence didn't hold the same kind of unease. Tilia napped in the backseat, apparently exhausted after our short visit to the city. Without her to entertain, Matthews and I weren't obligated to talk, so we didn't. I got the feeling that he remained quiet to give me some space in order to think about whatever it was I needed to think about. It was a nice gesture. Appreciated.

I was far from ready to come to terms with anything that had transpired these last few days, but I no longer feel the same putrid anger. I remained confused and afraid, but I acknowledged the fact that Matthews didn't do any of this to mess with me. He had no reason to. My lack of worth helped me with that realization. I was a burden, nothing else, but for some unknown reason he still wanted me around.

As the miles passed, I found my center. It was a volatile state of mind, but I wanted to hang onto it for as long as I could. Telling myself that I wasn't actually doing okay wouldn't help me either.

We arrive back at the house in time for lunch. I pondered to offer my help; however, I was well aware of my non-existent skills in the kitchen, and I didn't want to make a fool out of myself. Pancakes was one thing, but lunch an entire different deal altogether.

Tilia bounded up the stairs, still clutching that drawing to her chest. I could tell that she wanted to play on her own for a while, and that was fine with me. The only downside was that I didn't have anything to occupy my time with. While others might like that idea and enjoy their free time, it made me uneasy as I knew that my mind would start dancing around in circles again. If it did, I was afraid of the answers it might produce.

Matthews popped his head out of the kitchen doorway. "Want to help me out?"

I readily jumped up from the sofa at the suggestion, forgetting my poor skills for a moment. "Sure thing."

Matthews smiled. "Hy don't you prepare the salad" He pointed at groceries lined up on the counter. I sighed in relief. A salad should be easy enough.

"Don't blame me if I end up ruining it," I mumbled.

Matthews chuckled in response.

We kept our interaction going: a few words here and there about what we were doing. Matthews smiled a lot and after a while, I attempted to smile back. It felt good, natural.

It almost scared me how easy it was to be in his company.

Tilia came down to the kitchen just as I cut a watermelon in half.

"Oh, melon. May I have a piece, please?"

"Not before dinner, Tilia," Matthews replied. She pouted and folded her arms across her chest.

I rolled my eyes at Matthews strict policy and cut out a small cube which I passed over when he looked the other way. Tilia smiled conspiratorially. 'Our secret' I mouthed, and she nodded before disappearing upstairs.

"Tilia, come down again. Lunch is ready." Matthews stared up the stairs and shook his head in exasperation.

"Why did she go up again?" he asked, knowing fully well that I wouldn't have a better answer than he did.

We heard her feet tapping against the hardwood floor upstairs

"And she's running. The mystery thickens," he added.

"I have no idea what she's up to," I replied.

Matthews called her down a second time, telling her that he would come up and get her if she didn't hurry. We helped each other set the table, and again, I was struck by how normal it all felt. It was strange.

The stairs creaked as Tilia carefully made her way down. She had an apprehensive frown on her cute little face. Someone didn't like to anger Daddy. I could see why. Not that I thought he ever did anything to harm her, but there was still something about Matthews that commanded you to listen. It was in the air around him.

She slipped me the paper she had carried around all day and sat down in her chair. I hesitated. This moment meant something to me, and here we were, getting ready to do something as ordinary as eating lunch. I almost wanted to save this moment to treasure it later, but I also knew that Tilia waited for me to look at it.

I flipped the paper and held it up. I wasn't sure what I expected, but this certainly wasn't it. She's five, I reminded myself. The drawing held the three of us with Tilia in the middle, holding hands with us both. We looked like a family, and somehow I guessed that was her intention. Obviously, she was self-conscious of this little piece of art, otherwise she would have showed it immediately.

"This is lovely," I said, because it truly was. We stood on a lawn with some mountains in the background. The sun was shining and there wasn't a cloud in sight. It sounded simple described like that, but it wasn't the entire story. She had captured something with the help of her crayons. The drawing held warmth. But, we weren't a family. This little girl couldn't afford to rely on someone like me.

Tilia blushed and chewed her bottom lip. I wasn't sure what to say. I didn't want to embarrass her further, and I was uncomfortable with the entire situation. Like always, Matthews came to my rescue. He had a knack for knowing when to intervene.

"Maybe Ethan can help you with the pasta, sweetheart," Matthews asked, looking between the two of us.

She beamed and held out her plate. "Yes, please." Polite little girl.

I gave her a child-size portion and asked if it was enough. She nodded and picked some pieces of melon out of the salad, pretending that she didn't see her father's disapproving stare. Matthews interrupted her work by giving her a chunk of salad from the bowl before pushing it in my direction.

Tilia and Matthews talked throughout the meal. I mostly listened but offered a few comments here and there when they were required of me. Matthews politely avoided topics that might include me too much, while Tilia seemed to want me further involved. It was a strange dance around each other, but it worked out alright.

When Tilia excused herself, Matthews and I were left alone, this time with nothing obvious to talk about. Also, with Tilia out of the way, we might actually have another uncomfortable conversation. I dreaded it ever happening again, but I also knew that we had to communicate. I was giving him a chance, and that meant that I had to give him more than what I had offered so far.

Matthews cleared his throat. "Have you talked to Lisa. Does she know you don't have your phone?"

Fuck, I hadn't thought about that. If Lisa tried to contact me and I didn't answer, she would go by my apartment. That wouldn't really help her this time.

I winced. "I should probably call her."

"You can borrow my phone or the one on the counter." He held out his cell phone, but if felt too personal to use his phone. Odd maybe, but I also didn't want to touch that expensive thing and ruin it somehow.

Snatching the phone from the counter, I walked into the living room that had a nice view over the garden and the forest beyond. I punched in Lisa's number and waited.

"Lisa Reed," she answered, her voice sounding far more tired than usual.

"Hi Lisa, it's Ethan."

"ETHAN!" she yelled. I guess that answers it, I thought.

"I'm sorry, I lost my phone and I've been at Matthews' place since Thursday night. I didn't mean to worry you."

"Well you did, you piece of sh— no, I won't cuss you out. You deserve it though."

"I do. I'm really sorry."

"Well, how are you?"

I took a moment to consider that. Not that I would tell her anything else than 'fine', but how did I actually feel? I wasn't sure. Matthews confused me beyond reason. Lunch was good, but was it enough? Of course it wasn't.

"Ethan?"

Right, getting lost in my thoughts probably wasn't the best way to show that I was fine. I answered quickly this time, "I'm fine, Lisa. No need to worry about me."

"Are you sure about that?"

"Yes. It's just been a couple of strange days. I'm back on track though, and I haven't taken any drugs. I swear."

"That may be so, Ethan, but you know the procedure. I have to take you in for a test on Monday."

I didn't enjoy the tests, but I also knew that it was useless to resist. "Sure, I'll meet you at the clinic."

"Great. Anything else you want to talk about, like why you're at Matthews' place?" I could hear that she had slipped from work mode to friend mode. She was curious. She could be silly sometimes, but I liked her. At rehab, we had talked hours and hours with each other. I was lucky, usually staff members either worked at the clinic or out in the field as Lisa did now, but Lisa had transferred from one job to the other around the time I got out. Hence, we could continue building our bond. That bond also tempted me to tell Lisa about Matthews and what was going on between us.

"I actually don't know what's going on between us. It scares me."

"Oh, Ethan. You know it's not a good idea to date so early on after rehab." There was the worry again. It never really stopped, at least not for long.

"I know, but it's also about me being happy, right?" I knew that might sway her. She constantly reminded me that I had to find a way to be happy without drugs to aid me. I wasn't a happy person in general, which made that harder than it should have been.

"Of course I want you to be happy, but you have to realize the risks."

"What risks exactly?" It was odd how I defended the idea of dating Matthews when I in fact had asked for space.

"You're sensitive. What happens if this won't end in a happily ever after? I hate to say this, Ethan, because I know it hurts, but the risk of splitting up is potentially large."

She made a solid argument. That was basically what I had told myself ever since I met Matthews that day at the club. Sure, I hadn't fallen for him directly, but we had chemistry right from the get-go.

"You're right," I conceded.

"I wish I wasn't."

"The thing is that I'm pretty sure I'll end up slipping if I'm not with him. I'm already screwed, so I might as well take the risk."

"That's not a proper way to think, Ethan. Think again."

I walked around the living room, no longer able to stand still. "I have thought again and again, and I'm not saying that I'm done thinking. He's just making it very hard to stay away."

Lisa didn't answer immediately. I could hear her breathing, but otherwise it was as if she wasn't there. Not one sound.

"Ethan, I can only say that I'm worried. The rest is up to you. I can't dictate how you live your life as long as you stay away from drugs. How you do that is up to you. If you think staying with Matthews can help you, so be it, but for heaven's sake, make sure you know what you're doing before you jump into something."

All sound arguments. I took a deep breath, trying to calm my racing heart. She had nailed too many of my own concerns. What would happen to me if he left? Could I afford that risk?

"Ethan, before you have a meltdown, consider that falling in love is all about taking risks. You just have a little more to lose, but I also know that you're a lot stronger than you think. Keep your head up, okay?"

I smiled even if she couldn't see me. "You're right again. Love is scary as hell." I caught sight of something from the corner of my eye. Turning around, I saw Matthews pausing in the doorway. Our eyes met. "Love is scary, but sometimes it might be worth going through all of that fear to see what's on the other side." Matthews expression was unreadable as he closed the distance between us, our eyes never straying from each others.

I closed the call and dropped the phone in an armchair behind me. A second later, my arms wound around his broad chest. This time, I hugged him as much as he hugged me.

"Did you really mean that?" he asked.

I looked up, secretly a little happy that he was taller than I. "If you play your cards right."

He chuckled and kissed my forehead. "You try me, Ethan. Lucky for you, it's worth it."

This time it was my turn to chuckle. Perhaps my luck was finally turning. Of course, he had a lot to prove before I would trust him, but right now, it felt like we might have a chance.