I had one of my recurring dreams that night. 

Jace, my best friend since high school, was sitting cross-legged on the street, directly beneath the weak spotlight of a lamp post. He wore layers of clothes on top of each other but nothing could dispel the cold he couldn't feel. How could he feel it when his body was so jacked up on drugs that nothing mattered anymore? 

I woke up in a cold sweat, hearing the echo of a siren in my mind. I'd found him like that three months ago, so cold to touch that I was sure he was gone already. He was pale, bruised from a fight, and for a brief moment he appeared ethereal. Nurses welled out of the ambulance, collecting Jace's body and leaving me to ride in the police car. 

Never in my life had I thought I would enter one of those cars by free will. 

It had been fucking close. Jace's encounter with the vast nothingness was the reason I was lying in a warm bed underneath a soft sheet and resting my head on a feather pillow. I'd been given another chance at life. At first, I hated St. Mary's. I hated the building, the people, the control, and even the food. The only reason I agreed to go in the first place was because Jace was there, but as my body and mind let go of the drugs my feelings changed. My hate of the place turned into a fear of leaving.

Since I got out of rehab, I'd closed him off from my mind. I wasn't allowed to contact him, I wasn't allowed to see him, and for that reason, I pushed the memories of him to the back and shut the door. Lisa told me that I couldn't talk to him until he was out, and when he would be, it was still important that we didn't hang out the way we used to do. The chance of us getting back in trouble was too big. 

So, there went my only friend. Lost. As if he had died that day. At least he wasn't dead in the literal sense. He wasn't cold anymore, and hopefully they treated him well at St. Mary's even if I wasn't there to check on him. 

Knowing that I wouldn't go back to sleep again, I sat up, wrapped the cover around me and stared out over my empty room. I had the bed, the nightstand and a lamp, nothing else. If my bank account wasn't empty I would buy stuff to hang on the gray walls. It could be junk from a thrift shop as long as it was something that added a personal touch. This hollow, shallow emptiness wasn't me, or perhaps it was.

-----

The day wore on in a similar manner. I reminisced too much on the past, and I didn't spend enough time thinking about solutions for the future. I had to come up with something to get me that money, otherwise I would be in trouble with people I didn't want to be in trouble with. It was a simple fix, just 5 grand. The problem was that I didn't have the money, and also no way to get it. 

I was great at finding ways to get hold of money, but I didn't want to go down that road. If I took one single step in the wrong direction, the game would be lost before Jace even got out of St. Mary's. 

The money I did have was a weekly allowance administered by the rehab centre, and it wasn't enough for spending 5 grand to solve old debts. The staff at that place wasn't stupid, rather, they were jaded. They knew that money in a drug addict's hand meant more drugs, and that defeated the entire purpose of their treatment. They knew how difficult it was to get away from an addiction, and so did I. Escaping its clutches was like fighting your best friend or your loved one. It hurts every fiber of your being, and it is much easier to stretch out a hand and say, 'okay, let's be friends again' than keeping the argument running forever. 

It doesn't matter that your lover destroys you slowly because that's what relationships are all about. 

I knew how twisted it was to think that way, but there was no point in sugar coating the truth. I had an addiction, and I would always struggle. 

At the same time, I wasn't an idiot. Drugs killed people; they almost killed Jace. It wasn't an overdose, it was the cold and the fact that he didn't feel enough. 

------

In the afternoon, I took a walk to clear my head. I had to get out of the apartment, and I definitely had to eat something. My fridge was empty, and there was nothing in the cupboards. It was just me and my furniture, and they weren't many, and they certainly weren't my friends. It was at that point my phone started burning in my pocket. I craved a conversation.

The problem was that it felt odd to make a call for no apparent reason. What would I say, and what would they say? My options were limited. I had Lisa and I had Matthews, or Marc. It was difficult to think of him as Marc. He was Matthews, not Marc. On one hand it bothered me that I had to change my way of thinking about him, but on the other hand, it felt like I was in on a secret: that he had allowed me into his inner circle. It was strange that all it took was one little word to mess things up in my head. 

The afternoon offered a cold sun. The snow still covered most surfaces and it was almost too bright to look at. I should have worn sunglasses, not only to avoid the fierce white light from the snow, but they would also hide me from the world. 

I fought my way down the street, trying not to fall or get stuck with a boot somewhere in a pile of snow. It was cold, and it reminded me of the snow fight two days ago. That had been freezing but not in the same manner. There was a house to return to once the snowball fight was over and done with; I had another coat and another pair of boots, but most importantly, I had a family around me. It wasn't my family, but it didn't matter. They had something precious, and for an afternoon they allowed me to be a part of it. 

Thinking about them only augmented the hollow loneliness gnawing at my heart. I wanted to call. I really did. I wanted to hear Marc's voice in my ear. I wanted to hear him talk about nothing and everything. 

I wanted to listen. 

The problem was that I felt like a school girl with a crush. The thought made me stop dead in my tracks. A crush? Sure, I liked men more than my mom thought appropriate while she was still in my life, but a crush on Marc? 

To prove it wasn't true, I pulled up the phone from my pocket and pressed call with a numbing finger. 

With every ring that sounded in my ear, the knot in my stomach became larger and heavier. 

"Hello there."

This time I didn't have any trouble with keeping the phone in my hand; rather, I held it so tight that I thought it might break. 

"Hey," I replied. 

"What's up?" He sounded busy. 

"Nothing much. I'm sorry, I shouldn't have called." 

"It's no problem. Tell me about your day."

I didn't know what to say. My day had consisted of nothing but aimless walking and staring out into space, but that wasn't something he wanted to hear. He wanted to hear that I was doing fine, that I was rocking life. Then I remembered that he didn't want me to lie. Fuck. There was no way out of it. 

"I've been thinking a lot," I said, hoping that he wouldn't ask about anything specific. However, just as I said it, I realized how it sounded. He could interpret that in a number of ways and several of those ways weren't exactly beneficial to my situation. I didn't want him to think I was thinking about him. What a mess!

"I've been thinking too." 

Luckily enough, I had a brick wall on my left to lean on, otherwise I would have struggled to keep my balance. I was afraid to hear the rest of what he had to say. I couldn't analyze that response, but it was there. 

Something sounded in the background, and I heard someone talking. 

"Sorry Ethan, something just came up. I'll call you later. Okay?"

The tightening knot in my stomach grew again, but it wasn't like I could ask him to stay on the phone and keep talking. Especially not since I wasn't sure I wanted to hear the rest. 

With a shaky voice, I replied, "Okay, talk to you later." 

"Later then." 

The call closed, and I wished I hadn't called at all. I didn't know what to make of it, and I didn't know if I wanted to pick up the phone if he did call. 

Perhaps it was my paranoia speaking, but I had a bad feeling about everything. 

A/N Okay, sorry again for the short chapter, but it was all I could do. I wanted to give you all some more of Ethan's background though. Please leave a vote if you liked it, and if you're feeling extra kind, drop a comment :) love those. 

xox