“Y-you don’t know?”

Matthews looked away and continued to stir the chili. His body language asked me to step away from the question and just leave, but our conversation felt incomplete. I didn’t want to leave him when he looked like so lost.

I stepped closer and placed my hand on his arm before thinking. It was meant as a comforting gesture, something to show that I felt with him, and that I was there. He seemed just as alone as Tilia, and I hadn’t expected that.

He froze, and it felt like I had burned my hand on his skin. I snatched it away and left the kitchen in a rush. It was incredibly stupid of me. Things had been going okay, and now I was back to a trembling mess, unsure of everything around me.

Pushing him had to be the worst thing I could do, especially since I knew nothing about him. I wasn’t his friend, I was no-one. I didn’t have the right to touch him.

I took the stairs, two at a time, and made my way to Tilia. Unaware of what was going on, she smiled and patted the seat next to her.

“You’re back!” she chirped, and studied me carefully. “Didn’t you bring candy?” Her smile died.

I tried to focus on what she said, repeating her words in my mind. I couldn’t freak out in front of her; I had to hold it together.

“Dinner will be ready soon, so we can’t have candy, right?” I kept my tone as casual as I could, hoping that she wouldn’t realize that something was wrong. She didn’t need to see my uncomfort.

Pouting, she leaned back in the sofa. “Then why were you gone?”

“I talked with your daddy.”

“Okay.” She didn’t seem convinced, but she looked back at the screen. I could see that she was thinking hard on something, but as soon as something new happened in the film, her troubled thoughts seemed to evaporate. I wish it were that easy for me. Instead I sat there thinking, trying to keep my breathing even. Matthews was getting under my skin, and I couldn’t keep him out. I was vulnerable.

I shouldn’t have touched him.

My body grew rigid in the sofa as I heard Matthews’ footsteps coming up the stairs. I wasn’t ready to face him; it was too soon.

“Daddy, can I have candy?” Tilia asked as soon as Matthews stepped inside the room.

“Sweetie, dinner will be ready soon, so you can’t have candy now.”

Matthews’ voice, with its warm yet unyielding timbre, made it all much worse. I didn’t understand how it could affect me so much, but it had, from the very first time we met. It rolled like a wave, sure and filled with direction. My eyes drifted toward him on their own, and as they met their target, I wanted nothing more than to run.

His posture was stiff, and he seemed to be towering above me—like he had in the office the night after he took me away from Mistress Jenna. He wasn’t even looking at me this time, but I felt his presence just as acutely. I pulled my eyes away to stare at the TV, afraid that he would catch me staring.

“I don’t think I’ll be able to drive you home safely tonight, Ethan.”

It shouldn’t have come as a shock, because I already knew it was a lost game already, but it still felt like someone threw a bucket of ice-cold water over me. Perhaps it was because he said it with such finality this time around.

“Okay,” I replied. I wanted to say something else, but I couldn’t find the words. In my mind, I said that I could walk back to town, but that was the old Ethan talking. In my past, I would have walked out the door without saying, but if I was honest to myself, I wouldn’t have been here to begin with—so the point was moot to begin with.

“Are you alright?”

I must have zoned out for a bit.

“Y-yes.”

“The dinner is soon ready, so you can come downstairs in ten minutes or so.” Matthews turned in the doorway and went downstairs.

It became easier to breathe as soon as he was gone, and with each exhale, I tried to relax further. It didn’t work, but the thought counts, right?

“Ethan, do you think Elsa is happy?”

At least I knew who she was talking about at this point, the problem was that I hadn’t followed the movie very well and didn’t know what to answer. I looked at Elsa’s silent figure, alone in her room. No, she didn’t look happy at all. She was alone in the world, isolated by her own choice because she thought she would hurt those she loved.

“Do you think she’s happy?”

“No, she’s alone.”

“Yes, she is.”

“I don’t like to be alone.”

“That’s okay, Tilia. You have your daddy, he won’t leave you alone.”

 “Daddy works all the time.”

“But you’ve had a Nanny, right? What’s her name?”

“Evelyn.” Tilia looked down on her hands, fidgeting with her blanket.

“Is Evelyn nice?”

Tilia gazed up at me with her big blue eyes. They looked watery in the faint light. “Yes.”

I could tell that it was a lie, but I also knew that she didn’t trust me enough to tell the truth yet. If I asked, she would retreat into herself, or at least I would have done that when I was her age. I sighed; she reminded me too much of myself, and that wasn’t a good thing. She should be happy all the time.

At that delicate moment, my phone stirred in my pocket. I picked it out and read ‘Lisa’ on the screen. I thought about not answering, but Tilia was already looking at the screen again.

Rising from the sofa, I answered the call. “Hi, Lisa.”

“Ethan, I shouldn’t have done that.” She sounded shaken, and it made me worried. I had no idea what she was talking about, but it didn’t sound good; in fact, it sounded like she’d done something terrible. She didn’t even take the time to ask me how I was, or how it was going.

“What do you mean?”

“He doesn’t know.”

“What do you mean?”

“I didn’t tell him about your past.”

My hand found the wall, keeping me steady. What the hell. This was fucked up. I thought they had talked. One part of me was relieved that he didn’t know, that he couldn’t judge me. But he had entrusted me with his child, and that was a fucking big thing. I thought he somehow trusted me despite of everything.

“How could you do that?” I asked her.

“I just…it just seemed like the right thing to do. I wanted you to have a chance.”

“He’ll hate me.”

“I did the wrong thing.”

“Yes you did.”

“Are you home?”

“No, I’m still at their place.”

The line went silent for a second. I could tell it wasn’t good. Taking a deep breath, I waited for her to say something. I prepared to say something in my defense, or perhaps in Matthews’ defense, but nothing came together. Despite how much I disliked Lisa when she was meddling with my life too much, I still wanted her approval. I needed her on my side.

“Are you alright?”

It wasn’t the question, or the comment I had expected. I thought she would tell me how stupid this was, even if there was a snow storm raging outside. She should say something.

“I’m okay.”

“Ethan, I have to tell him.”

“I’ll just tell him I quit tomorrow. He doesn’t need to know anything.” My voice had changed. It was my rational side that did the talking. Rational Ethan didn’t pop up all that often, but now he was here. He was keeping me in line, saying all the right things that I couldn’t express with emotions distorting my thoughts.

“Okay, just keep calm while you’re there. I’ll get you out of there as soon as I can.”

It hurt.

Failure.

I stole a glance at Tilia, sitting in the couch with her legs drawn up close to her chest. I didn’t want to leave her, but perhaps it was best to leave before she had grown attached. She didn’t care about me yet, I knew that. Right?

Lisa was waiting. I could hear her breathe.

“I’ll be fine. Just see if you can get me in the morning.”

“I’ll be there as soon as I can.”

“Ethan?” Tilia had somehow moved from the sofa, standing right in front of me without me noticing.

“Yes?” I said, taking the phone away from my ear.

“Are you leaving?”

Her face was filled with worry, and it felt like she drove a knife right though my heart.

I didn’t want to leave her, but I knew it was my only option.