_________________

𝐓𝐖𝐄𝐍𝐓𝐘

_________________

She knocked at the door, listening for his gruff voice before entering the sizable quarters. While the cabins on the yacht were spacious, Logan's were built for a king. Cora supposed that was only fitting.

The space she had entered into was clearly made for entertaining, as evidenced by a large flat screen, several seats and a hefty drinks cart. A small dining table that seats six sat several feet before the door that presumably led to the bedroom. Additionally there was an impressive view of the ocean outside, the orange tones of the setting sun mixing with the purples of the oncoming night.

As he turned to face her, she became painfully aware of the silence in the room, the lack of others. Being alone with the parent of a friend activated an ancient feeling of juvenility, the need to make herself seem smaller gripping her.

"I trust you're doing well now that you've had some time to settle in." Logan said finally after what felt like a decade. Cora nodded meekly, teeth grazing her bottom lip. Logan returned a tight smile, the kind that looked like a grimace. "I heard about the trouble in Turkey, obviously. I wanted to extend my condolences for the stress, but I heard you were spared the majority of it."

"Yes." She replied stiffly. "Eduard's a fast thinker."

Logan nodded. He turned away from her suddenly, pacing towards the drinks cart. Cora felt her stomach drop as he pulled out a bottle of whiskey, the glass bottle dimpled with diamond shaped impressions. He set it atop the cart, picking up two small and round glasses. After all that had happened, she couldn't think of anything she wanted more than a stiff drink, even with the knowledge that drinking would only open the floodgates. Once upon a time ago, she had thought that alcohol and drugs were ways to suppress the worst of herself, but the truth had become obvious to her since the Roys had reentered her life. The only thing that had been suppressed was her awareness of her own behaviour. Sobriety felt like keeping an animal in a cage, but that didn't stop it from swiping at the lock. Her behaviour with Naomi had been proof of that.

"I think I've found a purpose for you in my company." Logan mused as he handed her the glass, now filled with liquor.

"Really?" The whiskey was strong, her eyes watering from the fumes. The inside of her nose felt raw as she balanced the glass uneasily against the flat of her palm. Her mouth watered as desire and nausea wrestled one another on her tongue.

He nodded slowly. "But I have a question, before I tell you what I need you to do."

"Of course." Cora's voice was stiff as she spoke. Logan glanced down at the drink in her hand, taking another sip. He seemed to be contemplating something as he watched the slight tremor of the liquid within her cup.

"Why have you kept your sobriety?"

Cora felt as though the wind had been knocked from her lungs. Stunned silence followed the question, blinking rapidly as if her brain was rebooting from a sudden shutdown. The possible answers began to build up in her mind. Because it made me feel like shit. Because it made me a monster. Because I killed a man. Because I destroyed every relationship in my life and yet I failed to ultimately destroy myself.

"I'm trying to be a better person, I guess," she replied impotently. When she became aware that he was waiting for her to continue, she gingerly obliged. "Obviously there are a lot of things that have happened in my life that I regret. That I would like to prevent from happening again."

"And you want things to change. You want to be a different person."

"Yes." Cora's eyes were glassy as they flickered upwards from her lap. "I do."

"How much better are you liking this new person?"

"Not much better." She admitted, laughing not out of fear. It was an admission she had denied herself, but now the truth was impossible to ignore. She did not like the person she was now, and she didn't like the person she had been. It was an impossible scenario with no solution. If she didn't like herself as an addict, and she didn't like herself sober, then was she simply destined to always abhor herself?

"When those pictures of you and my son made their way to my desk, do you want to know what he said to me?" Logan's voice was surprisingly casual as he switched topics suddenly. "He said to me how much he had to lose. And then he told me how little you had to. I think I remember his words. 'Just publish whatever you would about her. Leave me out of it.' Did you know he was ready to throw you under the bus, just like that? Or did he show up to your place and proselytise that he was the victim in all of this."

Cora hadn't noticed he was standing behind her until he placed a hand on her shoulder. She flushed violently as she recalled the night. His world had been crashing down and she had felt like it was all her fault. He had thrown her under the bus to save himself and yet he had still shown up outside of her apartment and demanded to know how she had truly felt.

If there was one thing she had felt like she had done right in the throes of her addiction, it had been to deny herself him. The truth burned a hole in her mind now, the fact that she had wanted him desperately and she had turned him down, both for his sake and because she had wanted to be better than her own worst assumptions about herself.

Logan's revelation shadowed the memories in darkness now, turning them sinister. If he had been so ready to discard her, why had he even allowed her so close to him? She had always assumed he'd gotten carried away, but the venom was quick to take, and she found herself convinced it had all been a game to him. Stewy's words were in her ear.

"First night, the night we met, he knew you were going to be there".

Her hands felt slick, looking down to realise that she had begun to tremble so hard that she had spilled some of the whiskey onto her skin. The itch to relapse was white hot then, like a poker turned ember red, it pierced through her like she was made of butter.

"Shiv and Roman. Your step-father, Frank. They might have made you feel like cutting them off was a bad thing." Logan's voice filled her ears as her gaze remained fixed on her hands, on the liquor in her cup. "But what it speaks to is ruthlessness. It reminds me of your mother."

"Really?" Her voice was meek as she spoke, her eyes suddenly sparkling. No one had ever compared her to her mother. A tear rolled down her cheek, and she turned her head to wipe it against her shoulder.

"Yes," he replied. "If ever there was a killer, it was your mother."

She clutched her hands around the glass, closing her eyes as she let out a shaky breath. She was thirsty, so very thirsty.

"If I remember correctly, she had her vices. Something to take the edge off. Some of us need that. Some more than most." He shrugged as he nodded his head towards her drink. "There's nothing wrong with a little liquor now and then. You don't need to continue to deny yourself completely."

Her arms were rigid as they rose, eyes still clamped shut. The closer the glass moved upwards, the stronger the smell became until it felt like the air in her lungs had taken on an alcohol content. The lip of the rim connected with her bottom lip and she felt the soft, comforting burn against her skin. Before she could afford herself a second thought, she threw liquor down her throat.

A shiver ran down her spine, and she coughed as she lowered the glass. She let out a ragged sigh, her arms falling to her side in defeat.

"I know this won't be easy for you. I heard about your little spat with the Pierce girl earlier. You care for my son, I know that." His expression was unreadable as he spoke, a mask of stony indifference. Cora felt too numb in that moment to register the shift in his tone, that his voice had taken on an icy edge. If she had been more present, she would have noticed the cogs turning as he surveyed her state.

"But I need you to deliver a message." Logan said, reaching out for her glass. Cora handed it back to him, watching as he went to refill it. "A bullet, if you will."

________

Kendall was conspicuously missing from the roundtable discussion that had happened over dinner.

Logan had entertained a discussion over the question of whose body would cushion the blow of the cruise scandal. Cora kept her mouth shut to the fact that the decision was already made, sitting in her shame as she let the conversation play out around her. Everyone seemed to be happy to put up Tom's name, even Shiv, and he'd grown visibly uncomfortable. As the table had cleared, she'd felt the urge to assure him he had nothing to worry about but had been forced to watch from afar as he steered Shiv off to have a private conversation.

As she pushed her chair in, watching the pair disappear from view, she felt Logan's hand come to rest on her shoulder.

"Wait a few hours for the excitement to blow over before you do it." He grumbled into her ear, patting her roughly. Great, she thought to herself, just kill a couple hours by what exactly?

The answer was stealing two cans of beer from the bar fridge when she was sure no one was looking and sneaking off to her room. This felt like a win to her, the sheer fact she had resisted instantly downing a bottle of liquor after breaking her months-long sobriety seemed like a good sign. Maybe she had built some self-control in the period of restraint. The problem was that her tolerance hadn't reset. Two beers and a glass of whiskey weren't even enough for a light buzz, let alone enough to quell the sea of nerves currently churning inside of her.

As she sat on the edge of her bed, considering whether or not to risk another trip to the bar, she heard a knock at her door. When she opened it, she found Greg waiting outside, his hands shoved deep into his pockets. He greeted her with a sheepish smile.

"Hey! I've been looking for you ever since dinner en-"

Cora cut his words short by grasping the collar of his shirt and pulling him down to meet his lips with her own. She heard a noise of approval, if not a confused one, echoing from his throat as she dragged him through the low door of the cabin. It wasn't until he was on top of her, a hand pawing clumsily at the side of her face that he spoke, looking as though he had just realised something.

"Are yo- Is that beer?" He said, looking at her mouth. Clearly it was still on her breath. His eyes found the discarded cans, their crumpled forms sitting in the plastic bin nearby. "Wh- Is it non-alcoholic beer?"

"Maybe. I don't know." Cora muttered, annoyance sharp in her voice. He looked at her, mildly stunned. "What?"

"I thought yo-"

"I don't want to talk about it," she replied quickly.

"Oh no I can- You're compromised. Y-you're relapsing, right? Do you have, like, a sponsor or a therapist I can call? I feel like it's not good that you're, y'know, drinking and all again." Greg had straightened up as best he could, concern evident on his face. "Maybe I could, like, let Shiv know?"

"It's just a couple drinks, it's not like I'm snorting lines," Cora said. Now that she was thinking about it, that didn't seem to be a bad idea. She was beginning to regret having pissed off Naomi. Not wanting to linger on the thought, she began to tug at the end of her dress. Greg's hand came to rest on her wrist.

"No, I mean, isn't this kind of a big deal? I feel like ... I had a friend who had an uncle and he was an alcoholic and then he quit and then he started again and he died. I don't want you to di-"

"Stop." Cora's voice was filled with warning. Greg obeyed, swallowing audibly. She dropped the hem of her dress, sliding out from underneath him. "You should go."

"I'm ... " He was up, standing behind her. Slowly he placed a hand on her shoulder. Cora reacted as though his fingers were hot to the touch. She faced him, her face drawn and pale. It was undeniable that she was being serious. "Ok. Ok. I'll go."

"And don't talk about this Greg. To anyone. I mean it."

The silence would have been deafening after he had left if it had not been filled with the panicked throbbing of her heartbeat. By the time she had come back into herself, she had already made the decision to go and find Kendall. Having the inevitable conversation felt favourable to being alone with her own thoughts and the dark turn they had begun to take.

When she found Kendall, he seemed to be in his own daze. Though he'd called out for her to enter, his back was turned to her when she entered.

"Missed you at dinner." Cora volunteered as a greeting, trying to keep her voice light, fiddling with her hands as she waited for a response. When she was met with none, she cleared her throat. "There was fugu."

"Let me guess," Kendall said. It was clear in his tone that he knew exactly why she was there. "You're here to put a bullet in my brain."

Cora shakily sighed, closing her eyes. Softly she closed the door to the cabin behind her, taking a ragged breath inwards. Could she really do this? Yes she was angry, but she knew what was at stake. By casting Kendall aside, she would be solidifying herself among Logan's ranks. For as long as she had been aware of Kendall, the company had been his obsession, second only to the affection he sought from his father. Now it was her who was severing that tie, usurping him. Did she deserve this? Did he?

"Your father sai-"

"So you're his lackey now?" He faced her, the betrayal clear on his face. Cora felt a pull in her chest, the urge to back down surfacing. She was reminded of the night he had arrived at her apartment, the devastation that had lingered in the air around him. "I guess at least you're lubing me up before you screw me."

"Don't be unfair, Kendall," she muttered.

"Is there a PC term for what you're doing?" He replied. "Because it really feels like you're bending me over and fucking me right now."

"That's ... That's not true."

"I thought you were trying to be better than all of this."

"I guess I'm surprising myself." Cora sighed, closing her eyes. "Your dad told me to tell you that you're to go back to the mainland and fly back to New York. You're to take responsibility. For everything. That's what he wants."

"Do you agree with this?" Kendall said sharply. "Do you agree with what he's making you do?"

Cora couldn't answer that. She turned away from him, her hands kneading one another in a pathetic attempt to find comfort in the sensation.

"I don't know, Ken, I'm just over all of this shit. At this point I'm ready for Frank to wake up and boot me out of this nightmare. That's what this is. A fucking nightmare, a bad trip."

"Well it's easy to say that when you're the one slitting throats," Kendall replied tersely. After a pause, he sighed, his voice softening. "If you're really and truly over all of this, if you disagree with my dad, then fucking ... Fuck it Cora. Fuck it all. With me."

Cora swallowed. She didn't know what he meant, and yet at the same time, she entirely understood what he was asking of her. Her mind reeled. She could walk away from all of this mess if she wanted to, right? She wasn't enthralled in these scandals, not in the way the Roys were. She didn't have to make this her entire life. Kendall was asking for a lifeline, and he was asking to not do it all alone. She slowly turned back to face him. He was looking at her with the weight of expectancy heavy in his gaze. All she had to do was reach out her hand and take his.

Kendall was calling out to her, but the part of her that answered was the worst of her monsters. It was the part of herself that could not trust, the part of her that had internalised everything Logan and Stewy had told her about him. It was also the part of her that had taken every rejection she had received as living proof of her fundamental inadequacy. She couldn't believe him, couldn't believe that this wasn't just another of the stupid games that all of the Roys played, that even if there was some truth to it, he'd still find a way to let her down.

"You can't ask that of me." She managed finally, trying to keep her voice even. "Don't ever ask anything like that of me again."

"Why not?"

"You just can't."

"Fine. Then can I ask for something else?"

She already knew where this was going. "I don't think this is the time to discuss the past."

"Yes or no?" Kendall said, ignoring her. "If you're going to screw me over Cora, at least tell me the truth."

Maybe she did owe him that much. Her brow creasing heavily, she searched for her words on the floor, as if the answer might be in the elaborate pattern of the rug below. He waited patiently as she composed herself.

"Yes." She said, unable to look him in the eye as she spoke, her voice small and weak. She could feel her own disgust building beneath the surface, the pulse of shame that came with forcing herself to be vulnerable. "I had feelings for you. I didn't realise it at first but when you kissed me, it all made sense."

"Why did you push me away?" He took a step towards her as he spoke. It was enough to break her from her thoughts, backing away from him.

"What's the point in bringing any of this up? With all of the information I have now, the way I felt back then doesn't change anything."

"Why not? Because you're in bed with my dad now?"

Cora folded her arms across her chest defensively. "Do you need to phrase it like that?"

"What do you want me to call it, Cora? Good job, you've ingratiated yourself and all of the sudden it's fuck me. Soon enough it'll probably be fuck Shiv and fuck Roman too. You do realise that right? It isn't just me that ends up as collateral when you pal around with my dad. It's everyone, including you."

"You just don't get it." Cora couldn't hide her anger anymore, her voice shaking as she spoke. "Kendall, I don't have anything. I don't have parents, the closest thing I have to family is currently on death's door. I don't have a career, I don't have a partner, I don't have children. I have been alive for 33 years and I have nothing to show for it besides the shit your father printed about me in my 20s. So yeah, I want a little slice of the fucking pie because I don't know how much longer I can keep wandering around New York being a passenger in my own life. And that is not selfish, that is fucking ... fucking self-preservation."

She fell silent, realising that she had been clenching her fists as she had spoken. She unfurled her palms, indents of her fingernails pressed into the flesh of her skin. It had taken every fibre of her being to summon the courage to speak so bluntly. Tears welled in her eyes but she blinked them back, swiping at them with the back of her hand. Kendall watched her silently, resignation printed on his face, his mouth set in a hard line.

"Ok."

"Ok?" Cora looked up at him, disarmed by the resignation in his voice.

"Ok." He said again. "If that's your decision, then that's your decision."

"And you're fine with it?"

Kendall chuckled bitterly. "No. Of course not. But I understand, I think, for the first time. I get it. So I hope you'll extend the same understanding to me."

"What are you going to do Kendall?"

"You'll see."

He manoeuvred his hand through the strap of his duffel bag, which had been waiting at his feet, hoisting it upwards. There was a finality to the way he stood for a moment, contemplating his surroundings, the way one would if they expected to never see a place again. She tucked her head down as he moved past her, noticing only seconds later that he had hesitated by her side. Slowly she craned her head, looking towards him, awash with emotion as she took in his expression. She had expected anger or despair but what she found seemed strangely zen.

For a moment, she thought he was going to crack and begin hurling insults at her. Frankly, it was what she felt like she deserved. Kendall's acceptance had been disarming. She realised had wanted him to hate her to justify the heavy weight of shame that had begun to grow within her.

Instead he placed a hand on her shoulder. Confusion stilled her movements, leaving her frozen in place, as he lent down and planted a soft kiss against her forehead. Then, without another word, he left.

Her thoughts blurred into incomprehensibility as she struggled to process the feeling of his lips against her skin. In the distance, she heard the sound of one of the smaller boats churning against the surface of the water, dissipating slowly into nothingness. When she finally broke from her fugue, she found her cheeks hot and her eyes stinging. She could taste the salt of her tears on her lips, briny and sharp.

Eventually she wandered from the cabin, to the front of the boat, looking out at the open expanse of water turned inky by the night sky.

She was reminded of the day she had left Roman all those years ago. She had gotten what she had wanted, and yet she had run. Had she felt the same thing when it had come to Kendall? She could have had him, even momentarily, when he had made his feelings clear. In the cabin she had felt the memory of that night baring down on her like the remnants of a bad dream. Had she made the right decision?

"Are you alright?"

It was Shiv. Cora started, jumping a little as she turned to face the other woman.

"Yeah." She said quickly, hearing the slight rasp in her voice. She cleared her throat. "Just thinking."

"You look like you've seen a ghost." Shiv narrowed her eyes, an unsure smile pulling at the corners of her lips. "Are you sure you're ok?"

"Um, yeah. Just had to deliver some bad news." Cora replied, wondering if the truth had spread about Kendall's fate.

"Oh yeah, of course. Dad told me." There was something sheepish in Shiv's voice. "I'm sorry you had to do that."

"It's fine."

There was a lull of silence between them. After a pause, Shiv spoke again.

"Can I be honest?"

"Please."

"I think it's my fault that Kendall's taking the fall." Shiv laughed awkwardly, unable to meet her eye as she continued. "Ah ... Tom and I ... We just, have a marriage with agreements and such and I might have set the terms of those agreements and maybe ... Maybe he didn't quite agree with all of them."

Cora remained silent, unsure of whether or not she should correct Shiv. It was clear that she was conflicted with the outcome. At the same time, she would be remiss to mention how privy she had been to Logan's decision making. With her relationship with Shiv still fragile, she would have to tread carefully.

"He said something to me that rattled me and it made me realise that if he got pinned for all of this ... " Her voice trailed off. Cora tried to not show her astonishment. Shiv's voice echoed of loneliness, and it unnerved Cora that she had never seen this side of her before. "I just ... I don't really know what I would do if he wasn't around."

"I understand."

"Thank you. I feel ... Really fucking shitty for Kendall. I mean, I know after everything I shouldn't, he should know better with dad by now and I know he's never really been an angel but ... "

"But you love him?"

Shiv's lips formed a melancholic smile. Slowly she turned to face Cora, placing a hand on her shoulder. Cora almost flinched as she came to rest on the same spot that Kendall had touched.

"I'm sorry for giving you a hard time over the years, by the way," she said. "And recently too. I think I just ... I found it really hard. When you started pushing me away and when you disappeared. When you came back and didn't really acknowledge it ... It just sucked."

"Oh." Cora murmured, feeling her cheeks burn. "Yeah ... I'm sorry."

"And for the record, as much as I thought something happened with both of them ... I believe you. I mean, if I'm wrong, you're all better liars than I thought. But no, I believe you. You wouldn't have let anything happen. I'm sorry for doubting that."

Shiv pulled her into a hug and Cora fell limp in her arms. How cruel, she thought, that Shiv would take a time like this to be so incredibly wrong.

________

When she finally slept that night, she dreamed of Kendall.

She was transported back in time, memories weaved together like patchwork. His smile, the times they would brush hands or when he'd accidentally knock the toe of his shoe against the side of her own. Kendall pulling her chair out for her, Kendall opening doors for her, Kendall gently swatting Stewy's raunchier jokes away, their eyes meeting briefly only for her to look down into her lap. Reliving the memories made her realise how she must have looked to him back then; directionless, naïve, lost.

Finally her dream came to rest on one particular memory.

Torrential downpour, rain so sudden it was like the heavens had been sliced open for their contents to spill out. The night was humid, and they were exiting the back entrance of a club, walking down an alley. The pavement beneath them had turned slick and dark with water, glinting bright blue from the nearby neon signage of a motel.

Kendall quickly shook off the jacket of his suit, lifting it upwards and holding it above their heads to shield them from the rain. Cora heard her own laughter, inter-mingling with his, echo in her ears as they raced towards the cover of a bodega. In her heels, she'd been unsteady, or maybe she had tripped over a divet in the path, throwing herself against him in panic. Kendall had stopped in his tracks, letting her regain her balance, grinning as Cora pushed a sopping wet strand of hair from her eyes.

She had thought he would kiss her then, a thought that had appeared so suddenly that it hadn't felt like her own. That same moment had been the first acknowledgement, the implicit wish for him to.

Cora awoke with a start, propping herself upwards in bed, breathing hard.

She washed the remnants of her dream down the shower drain, the cold water stinging against the back of her neck. When she was dressed, she ventured upwards to find Logan, Roman and Shiv gathered around the television. She took the chair beside Logan that he had gestured for her to sit in, trying to ignore the prickle on the back of her neck and the awareness that Shiv and Roman were staring at her. Beside Logan, on a small glass side table, sat a bottle of Johnnie Walker beside a pair of glasses.

Her ears popped the moment she saw the cameras pull focus on Kendall, a high pitched ringing filling her brain. With his image projected on the tv screen, his demeanour seemed resigned, with all the airs of someone who was moments away from accepting their fate. Cora considered looking away. She didn't want to be reminded that her hands were bloody, that she had had a hand in why he was now sitting before the press. His words stopped her, playing in the back of her mind as she kept her eyes fixed to the screen.

"What are you going to do Kendall?"

"You'll see."

Shiv gasped beneath her breath. Something in the air had shifted. Cora snapped back to reality, her hearing clearing in time for her to ascertain the words leaving Kendall's lips.

" ... a malignant presence, a bully and a liar." Cora's hands gripped the arms of her chair, turning uncertainly to study Logan's face. Kendall continued. "He was fully personally aware of these events for many years and made efforts to hide and cover up. My father keeps a watchful eye over every inch of his whole empire, and the notion that he would have allowed millions of dollars in settlements and compensation to be paid without his explicit approval is utterly fanciful."

Cora wondered if she had completely lost her mind. Was she hearing things? Not only that, was she seeing things? She could've sworn as Kendall spoke that a hint of a smile appeared on Logan's weathered lips.

Slowly Logan turned his attention to Cora. Slowly, methodically, he reached for the bottle and unscrewed the top. Taking one of the glasses set in a stack beside him, he placed it down on the table and poured a generous amount of the amber liquid. He set the bottle back down on the table with the smallest of clinks. With the edge of his knuckles, he pushed the glass towards Cora.

As she took it, she met Roman's gaze, watching the realisation dawn on his face as she lifted the glass to her lips.