NINE || Currently Feeling Like A Victorian Queen

"You're wearing a suit! Oh my god."

Maxine tugs at her tie. "Shut up, Gracelynn."

We still have an hour before the end-of-year party, but we're both fully dressed and ready to go. She's wearing a black suit with blue trim and combat boots (for lack of other, more appropriate shoes for the occasion).

"You know, you don't look so bad yourself." She looks at me and grins, slight and barely there. I look myself up and down in the mirror. I'm wearing a cotton candy pink crop top and a knee-length white skirt with floral lace at the hem.

"Yeah, I think I look pretty damn good." I twirl around and wink at her. "You know, just like you." We smile at each other for a second, all worries gone to the wind, my heart so full of love it's overflowing. "I... I still can't believe you got us a limo, you know."

"Well, I'm rich for something. And you know, only the best for my lady." She extends her elbow. "Shall we?"

I don't think my heart could get any fuller. "We shall," I answer. We walk down the stairs together, arms looped together. I can't help but feel ashamed when I think of Eden, how I'm feeling this happy even without him.

I'm going to make it up to him, later tonight. If we ended up apart, it would be... terrifying. Even with Maxine there beside me because he's been my best friend for god knows how long. Just the thought of this sends my heart into a frenzy.

Please let him forgive me please let him forgive me please let him forgive me.

Maxine squeezes my hand, as if she's a mind reader. Maybe she is. "It's gonna be alright," she reassures, and I smile back although my chest is tight.

It's a weird feeling, being sad and happy at the same time; both worried and carefree. I'm a living oxymoron. Maybe everyone is. Maybe that's life - contradictory and confusing, but beautiful nonetheless.

We pull up to the host's house, and Maxine's driver leans over and nods his head. She smiles at me, one more time, before her face turns cold once again and she opens the door.

The realisation hits me in the chest like a lightning bolt. The video that Jaxon released. Pretty much everyone saw it. And everyone's here. Panic bursts in my chest and I grab Maxine's arm, but it's too late, and I prepare myself for the endless teasing and sneering.

Tears prick at my eyes. I don't want to be here. Please, god, no - anything but this. People are laughing and talking. About me. About how much of a failure I am -

"Hey, Angel's here!"

"Yo, Angel!"

I open my eyes. A few people wave and say hi, then turn around and go back to talking. What? Maxine laughs. We continue through the house, people smiling and greeting me.

Okay, so that's weird. Not complaining, though. "Cheer up," Maxine whispers in my ear, and I shiver at the proximity, "you look like a kicked puppy whose scared for its life."

I kick her shin, which does absolutely nothing, but it makes me feel a little better about life. Jaxon's standing in the corner, talking to his Stud, who looks a little annoyed as she eats her victory chocolate. I'll get to that later, I think to myself.

"Oh, what's up, Angel?" Gee, the party's host, walks up to me. She's wearing a striped black-and-white dress with leggings underneath. "If you're lookin' for Eden, he's somewhere upstairs." That means no one knows of our falling-out. Good. "Have fun, y'all." She nods and smiles at Maxine before sliding past us.

"Want to go talk to him?" Asks Maxine.

"Maybe later." I don't want to tell her about how I'm scared to talk to him, scared he'll turn me away, scared that I'll completely mess it up like last time. "Let's dance first?"

Her mouth twitches, and I lean in and kiss her because it's just that tempting. Her lips are soft and taste of chamomile tea, just like they used to be before. It's now that I notice that she kind of smells like cigarettes, but it doesn't matter, not now.

We step out onto the dance floor. Maxine is strangely good at dancing, but maybe she's just average and I'm horrible at it. The music pulses around the room, intertwined with the sounds of people talking, and there's so much to take in and to see.

And yet the only thing I can focus on are my own two feet and Maxine, in front of me, rolling her eyes as she danced. God, this is how I wish it could always be like. There's just one more thing missing.

I don't know what possessed me yesterday to go out and talk to Maxine, but it's come back. She nods when I look up at her, so I walk away, taking deep breaths, my hand sliding across the railing as I climb up the stairs.

It's probably a coincidence, but it feels like faith when I emerge on the second floor and spot Eden in an instant. Lucky for me, he doesn't notice my presence, so I walk across the floor to him, heart poiunding in my chest.

When he sees me, he turns away, and my heart drops. "I don't want to talk to you, Angel." His voice is low and threatening, but I stand my ground anyway.

"No, wait. Eden, please."

He turns to me, eyes full of pain. He doesn't even look angry, but instead sad and bitter. With a tinge of hope. I don't know how I see it, but it restores me with confidence all the same, even if it's my imagination.

"I said I don't want to talk to you, Angel." He takes a swig of his drink from the red plastic up and starts to walk away, as fast as he can to get away from me. I skirt past dozens of people to reach him.

He doesn't know his way around and we end up on a balcony. He clenches his hands. His drink disappeared somewhere along the line, his skirt smeared with fruit punch. "What?" He says.

And it all comes out. My dam has broken.

"I want you to know that I - I didn't meant to say it, really, and it was so shitty of me how I treated you then. And I do understand if you don't want to be friends, Eden, but I -" My words catch in my throat, "- but I couldn't stand it if you hated me, and I'm so, so sorry and I just - could you ever forgive me? Because I really am. Sorry." Tears well up in my eyes and start to fall. "I don't want to lose you."

He looks astounded for one moment, and his face falls. He turns away from me, leaning on the balcony railing, looking up and beyond, at the stars and the sky above. "I... wow, Angel."

"Yeah." I wipe the tears away. "Pretty pathetic."

"God, no. I'm pretty much crying. Angel... I... I don't know whether to forgive you or not. Because I know you didn't mean it, but what you said? It kind of hurt. A lot." His fingers curl around the ornate banister.

We're both quiet. I have no idea what to say. Well, that's not true, actually - there's just too much I want to say and so little things that make sense if they spill out.

"Eden, I'm really sorry. You're amazing, did you know that?" He looks up at me, disbelief written all over his face. "Come on. You're such an awesome friend. All the time. And you're not... you're already incredible. Just the way you are."

His eyes meet mine, and he brushes a lock of his hair back. His lip is quivering. "You... really think so?" I've lapsed into speechlessness again, so all I do is nod.

"I just don't know... we've never fought before. And it's just... I hate it, you know? I don't know whether I want a repeat of this. Even though I trust you, I just don't..." He laughs, bitter and off-tune.

"I'm sorry, Eden." My voice is hoarse, and the happiness of a few minutes ago has faded. It's been replaced by a deep, black, churning whirlpool, sucking everything out of me as I run out of hope. But even then, I grasp for it. I hang on. Because that's all I know how to do, despite everything else.

And it's been working. So I keep doing it.

Eden stares up into the sky, past the yellow-lit buildings, almost silhouettes in the darkness. The stars are bright, despite climate change, like salt on a black tablecloth - white sparkles against a great expanse of twilight. They're beautiful, at least for tonight.

"You won't do it again, right? Because I want to forgive you, but I need to know that you won't ever go into... totally obsessed mode again." His fingers clench around the fabric of his dress. "I'm..."

"Of course I won't." My voice snags in my throat. "Maxine's moving away tomorrow... anyway." The thought makes my heart twist in ways I didn't even know were possible. Maybe this it what it's like to be sucked into a black hole.

He looks away. "Oh. I'm sorry." His voice rises again. "But it's not just Maxine, okay? It's just... about anything. You've always been so passionate and... good and energetic and I'm worried that someday you'll have to choose between you or... whatever."

I start to speak, but he continues. "And I understand, Angel. Really! I understand what it feels like to be consumed by... anything, and it's tempting. Really. But I never forgot you. Never."

This hurts so bad. There's something pooling in my mouth and honestly, I don't care if I vomit now. At least I don't have to face what's coming. "And I never forgot you, Eden." It's getting harder and harder to speak by the minute. "Even though it seemed like it... I never did."

He traces something into the dust that's settled onto the railing. "You know the worst thing about me, Angel? I trust people too much." A smile spreads across his face, like the sun has risen again. "I think that... I'm going to believe you."

It takes me a second to process.

When it finally makes sense again and it clicks together in my brain, relief slams into me so hard it makes me breathless. Next second, I'm engulfing Eden in a giant hug.

"I was so afraid of losing you," I sob as he flails, "I'm sorry! I'll never do it again! You're my best best best friend ever in the whole wide world, Eden."

He smiles at me. "And don't you forget it." He squeezes my hand, and I release him from my trap. "So... Maxine, huh?" He smiles tiredly, but I can tell it's genuine. "I guess it turned out to be a badly written teen fiction in the end."

I smile. I'm so happy to have him back. "Badly written? Maybe. Probably." We both laugh. It feels so familiar and good, just like everything's supposed to be. "But as an overall story? I don't think it was bad."

The sound of people chattering and laughing grow louder as we walk back toward the crowd. I think of Maxine, and Eden; of every single thing that's happned since the competition started. And how it ended; how everything came crashing down, how I managed to fix it again within the span of one day.

Life is contradictory, but beautiful nonetheless.

"No," I whisper over the music, mostly to myself, "not a bad story at all."

↠↞

Some romantic song is playing, and people are slow dancing across the floor, hand in hand, swaying to the music. Maxine's leaning in the corner, sipping from her cup of Coke.

"Hey, um. Want to dance?" I ask, awkward.

"Sure." With surprising agreement, she takes my hand and leads me to the middle of the dance floor. Her hand goes to my waist, firm and steady there against my side. We move to the slow, gentle tune of the song.

"I feel like a Victorian queen," I say in her ear, and she laughs, "I'm being serious. This is like... my true dream." This time, she just smiles, amused, and squeezes my hand.

I catch sight of Dalla and Eden across the dance floor. They both look so serene, and they're laughing at something Eden said. Once the song is over, the Victorian dream ends, and the two walk over to me.

"Hey, Eden!" I say brightly. "Hey, Dalla." She looks beautiful tonight, with a dress that's a shade of darker lilac. There's a lily nestled in her hair, and her bracelet is the colour of the trans flag: stripes of blue, pink, and white. "How's it going?"

"Oh, I'm doing just fine. This party's great." She laces her hand through Eden's and smiles, self-conscious and shy. It's so sickening yet sweet to see it, but I guess I can't judge since this is basically what I do to Maxine every day. "How about you?"

"Well, I won the competition, didn't I?" I answer. "I'm happier than I've ever been, Dalla. Believe it or not." I catch Eden's eye and he rolls his eyes, a grin on his face. This feels like a dream. This has got to be a dream, right? Because everything feels surreal and it's like I'm drowning. In a good way.

Her hands drop to her sides, and she tilts her head, squinting. Is she examining me. She readjusts the lily and her nose scrunches up when she laughs. "No, I believe you, Angel. After all, it's pretty..." Her eyes scan my face. "Obvious."

"Is it?"

She sems to decide something and brightens, straightening and smoothing down the silk of her dress. "Yes. It is." Her hand brushes against my shoulder. "See? It turned out alright in the end."

It's funny, because I've been friends with Eden since primary school, and he's been dating Dalla for three years; yet I've never noticed how good she is at face reading. Or maybe she's just a mind reader. I wouldn't be surprised. After all, this whole year definitely was a trip.

"We're heading home now." She says it like a proclamation, an announcement after that mysterious, fantastical moment. "The party's certainly... deteriorating." Maxine furrows her eyebrows. She probably doesn't know what that word means, which makes me laugh. "I'll see you guys Monday, right?"

This simple sentence makes my heart ache. Because Maxine's moving away tomorrow. And I don't want to tell her, I can't bear to speak it out loud that no, she won't be seeing us on Monday. She'll be seeing me - but not us.

See, the thing is, I have no idea how to respond. Just saying it out loud will make it feel even more real, more confirmed, looming over us like some deadline to a project. So many things I can't say.

So all I say is, "yeah." It takes me a second to catch my breath, to cling on and clim back up to the state of floaty, beautiful happiness, because I can't face what comes after, not quite yet. I don't think I ever will, to be honest. That's me. "Bye, guys!"

I nod and smile, waving to the both of them as they leave. Maxine takes my hand. "You want to head home too? Because I do. Want to head home. Together. Aunt Xena's... out, right?"

"Yeah, okay. Keep it to yourself."

"Shut up, Gracelynn."

I laugh and keep going on. "And I thought I was desperate."

Now she's practically livid. "Shut up, Gracelynn."

I cackle as we head out of the door, saying our goodbyes to Gee and all the other remaining guests. Today was a good day. No, it was better than good. It was amazing. It's my last day with her and it was brilliant.

But the day's not quite done yet.

We walk home together, hand in hand. It's windy but not too windy, cold but not too cold. Like I said, an amazing day. The universe just called out to me and said: hey, you know what? You deserve it.

The trees rustle in the wind, casting a shadow over the streets, the flickering lights. It's so eerie and mysterious and, dare I say it, strangely romantic to be walking through here with her. It makes me feel like I'm some part of a magical world.

And of course, there's her. She looks wind-blown and magical, like some type of dark fairy you'd see in a movie or read about a story. Living in an enchanted corner of the woods, stealing souls and breaking hearts.

I'd like to live in an enchanted corner of the woods with her.

When we reach home, it feels like a blessing and a curse all at once. We walk inside together, through the hazily lit lobby, waiting in the lift. My stomach keeps twisting around, especially when she turns to me and smiles, just a little.

The door opens with a creak, and I drop to my knees on the carpet as soon as I step in. Tonight was great, but let's just say, my introverted self is glad to be back home. Maxine raises her eyebrows and crosses her arms in typical Maxine fashion, and a shot of nostalgia goes through me.

When I'm out of the bathroom, she's taken off her blazer and unknotted her tie, leaving her in a half-unbuttoned white shirt and black dress pants. She's lying on the bed, examining the walls as if she's never seen them before.

I pad over to her in my tank top and sweatpants, yawning. "Tired?" Her voice is soft, which is unusual. I give her a what-does-it-look-like stare. "Beds are a blessing."

The moment I flop on my bed, she rolls over and wraps her arms around me. Her hair tickles my cheek and she sighs in my ear. "One last night," she laments, "that's all... we have left. As much as it pains to say me. Mostly because it sounds like I'm a main character in a romance novel."

"If anybody's here the main character in a romance novel, it's me," I joke, but the mood is somber and mellow and too sad for anything like that now. "Look what you've done. You've made me all sad."

"Then don't be, stupid." Her hand laces through mine, and it's warm but no longer perfect because by this time tomorrow she'll be gone, far away, and this bed will feel way too empty. "Last night together. We'd better enjoy it."

I turn to face her, my face so close to hers. "Huh. Yeah." She smiles and I can't resist the temptation to lean in and press my lips against hers. "Know what? I'm not so tired anymore."

She laughs, her nose touching mine. "Idiot," she whispers, before we're kissing again, her arms dragging down and resting on my waist, legs tangling together like puppet strings. "Are you... uh... sure?"

I've gone all quiet again, as if my mouth hates any activity that has to do with it that isn't kissing. I just nod and loop my arms around her neck, smiling against her skin, that's warm and cool at the same time. She stares into my eyes, as cliche as it sounds, and I can't believe this is happening.

That it's all lead to this.

A tutoring competition. A bet, a video, an understudy. And it's all turned into this. With Eden forgiving me and giving me that shy, sneaky smile that's so familiar once again, with Maxine here, by my side, kissing down my neck and her black hair spread out on my pillow.

I smile. And her lips find mine again.

Just one more night.