━━ CHAPTER THIRTY-ONE / love

Her bedroom felt cold and Demi didn't want to be in there. She didn't want to be under the covers, she didn't want to be at the desk. She didn't want to be here. She didn't want to be at Portland Row and that made her sad and angry. More angry than she had been in so long. The little family she had created where she thought she would be safe had failed her.

She wasn't safe, she wasn't safe anywhere and Lockwood had promised. He had promised to protect her but he just couldn't even do that. He hadn't done that. And he got angry at George and shouted at Lucy for just wanting someone to believe them. She was so frustrated and then he knocked at her door and her head snapped up.

The door opened and Lockwood stood there, awkwardly. She glared up at him and he sighed. He pushed the door open, slipping into her room before he shut the door behind himself. Demi got up from the bed, putting as much distance between them as she could. That made Lockwood frown more as he watched her. She stood by the window on the opposite side of the room while he stood by the door still.

"Demi, I'm sorry," He said softly but it just made her scoff. She shook her head and lifted her gaze to meet his.

"You're not." It was a simple fact. He was glad that they had done it because it was money that they needed. Demi couldn't blame him for that but she hated his empty words. His empty apologies and promises. It wasn't good enough anymore.

"Dem," His voice was so quiet and gentle but she couldn't deal with it anymore. With him. It was infuriating.

"No. You don't get to say my name like that and walk away from this unscathed," She snapped as she stared at him. His eyebrows furrowed and he opened his mouth to try and dispute that. He wasn't intentionally trying anything. He just wanted her to be okay.

"I'm not trying to-" He attempted but Demi cut him off.

"Lockwood, I don't feel safe here anymore." She wasn't sure why she came out with that off the bat. Maybe she just wanted to hurt him as much as he had been hurting her since Combe Carey or maybe it was because she just wanted him to fix it. But Lockwood's entire demeanour crumbled.

"What?" He responded, his eyebrows pulled down as he watched her move. Her head was downturned and she looked so guilty, so tired, so sad. He had never seen her look so sad. Not even after Combe Carey or the night that he first met her. This was different.

"You keep promising me that I'll be okay. That I'll be safe but I... I'm not. I'm not safe because you keep putting us in danger," The words spilled from her lips with no real rhyme or reason. She wasn't sure how to say it and she hated being blunt. She hated being cruel with her words but nothing better described how she felt.

"George tried to tell you not to come," Lockwood mumbled but it was the wrong this. Demi's head snapped up again, meeting his gaze. She didn't look happy.

"So you knew about that too?" Her voice was on the verge of cracking but the annoyance was ruminating, ready to burst out, "You knew that I shouldn't have come but you still let me?" It was ultimately her choice that made her go to that graveyard but Lockwood was the boss. He could have told her to stay behind and she would have listened. But he didn't. He didn't even bother. Her fingers pushed through her hair, gripping her roots briefly for some sort of relief. But it just made the pain spike through her entire body. Her back still ached from everything.

"I trusted your judgement," He insisted, hoping that it would win him some favour but when Demi's hand dropped, he knew it was the wrong thing to say.

"Stop trusting my judgement!" She suddenly exclaimed, her hands throwing out to the side. Her eyes squeezed shut and she tried to reign in her anger but it was, "I'm- I'm not well! I haven't been since we met. I haven't been able to make good decisions since I lost my old team. Since Chase left. And you know that!" Her voice raised in volume before dropping completely at the mention of her old team and Chase. God. She hated herself for wanting to be around him in that moment. She really wanted a hug from him after all that he had done to her.

"Then, you don't have to come with us anymore. Stay here, heal up," Lockwood decided, completely changing his tone and Demi shook her head. This wasn't right. He wasn't understanding. She rubbed her face with her hands and he began to talk again, ordering her around but she shook her head.

"No! Stop it, Shut up, please," She just looked disappointed and Anthony was at a loss. He stared at her, his face crumbled and his shoulders slumped. It was like nothing he could say was right. It was like nothing he could do was what should have been expected.

"I don't understand what you want from me here, Dem," He admitted softly. His voice sounded so broken and Demi hated that it was her fault. Hated that she had made him feel like that but she was at her wit's end, with all of this.

"I want you to show me that you care!" She exclaimed, throwing her hands out. Anthony's eyebrows furrowed and he stepped towards her. Demi didn't step back, she knew her back would just hit the windowsill.

"I've let you sleep in my bed every day this week..." He began, his eyes filled with so much confusion, "And I kissed you despite being absolutely terrified and I- I look after you. Is that not enough?" His words were so broken and Demi's face crumpled. Her head downturned as she stared at the floor.

"Of course it is," She said softly. It was ridiculous. She felt ridiculous but she knew why she was frustrated, it was just hard to put into words. It was so hard to tell him because she was terrified that it would push him away.

"Then tell me what I'm doing wrong," He asked as he reached out for her hand but she tilted away. If he touched her hand, she knew she would let this go. She'd let it all melt away and pretend that none of this happened until something went wrong again. If he touched her, she would feel safe in his arms and as much as she wanted that, it was the easy fix.

"Don't touch me," She mumbled. He pulled his hand away and took a step back, giving her space to breathe.

"I'm sorry," He said.

"Stop," Her voice was at shouting levels again before they dropped, "apologising." It was such a defeated tone and Lockwood could hear it. That scared him. He didn't see her defeated very often. If ever.

"Demi." The sound of her name falling from his lips was all she ever wanted. He was so perfect but it wasn't enough.

"Anthony, just stop. You're not- This isn't working," It wasn't the right words. It wasn't the right words at all but she had said it and there was nothing she could do to change it.

"What's not working?" His words were cautious almost like he didn't want to hear the answer and Demi wasn't sure if she even wanted to say it.

"Me being here. I want to go home. I want my parents." It was the truth and she hated that it was the truth. She hated that Portland Row didn't feel like home anymore because George and Lucy and Lockwood meant more to her than her parents ever did. They were everything and she felt like she was losing it.

"What?" His words were soft again, confused.

"I can't be here anymore," She began. Demi went silent for a moment but he could tell she was thinking. He could see the way the cogs whirred behind her temple before she spoke again, "Not when I go to bed every single night worried that you won't come back again. You- you don't care about yourself and you- you, just- you push people away when they just want you to care about them." Her words were frantic and stumbled. Afraid that she would say the wrong thing and it still felt like she did.

"I care about you!" Anthony insisted, his voice louder. Hoping that it would make Demi understand but she shook her head. The volume reigniting the flame of anger in her chest.

"Then why do you keep nearly getting yourself killed!" She shouted and Anthony paused. His whole body went rigid and she stared at him, "You go into every dangerous situation with a grin and a smirk and you put yourself in front of everyone, almost like you want something to come and get you!" The words wouldn't stop now, she was pouring her heart out and Anthony could do nothing but listen, "If you died, I would sit here every single night and wonder where the hell you were! It would tear me up inside knowing that I didn't stop you and this stupid," Demi smacked his chest, not harshly but enough for him to understand, "reckless behaviour. I couldn't. I can't-"

"I'm keeping you safe," Anthony cut in and she could tell it was a disguise. A lie. He wasn't just doing it to keep Demi or the others safe. He was doing it because he thought he was better off dead, better off alone. But he didn't have to say it for Demi to know.

"No you're not! I don't feel safe, Anthony," She cracked under those words. Her voice crumbled and the tears sprang to her eyes, blurring her vision as she looked up at him. He hated this. He hated it so much, "When we were in that graveyard, I wanted to feel safe and you know who I thought of? Not you or George or Lucy and our home. I thought of Chase," The emphasis on his name was hard to miss and Lockwood looked beyond confused, "After everything he has done, he was who I wanted in that moment!" The tears were completely blurring her vision now and when she tried to blink them away, they dripped down her cheeks pathetically. Her tears were as pathetic as Demi felt internally. It was impossible.

"I'm sorry." It was more empty words and Demi smacked his chest again. He was still so close to her and she hated that he was close but she didn't want him to step him.

"You're not sorry, Lockwood. This is what you want, isn't it?" It was so broken. Everything was so broken and Demi wanted anything but to be doing this. She wanted to be curled up next to him, in his bed but she couldn't.

"No." He attempted to rebuke but it just made Demi sigh.

"When will you stop lying to me?" She asked. The tone had returned back to defeated and the tears were still dripping down her face even when she brushed them away with the sleeve of her t-shirt. Her wrists ached just as much as her back and Lockwood could see bruises. But he knew it wasn't the time to comment. Demi hadn't even noticed.

"Please, don't do this," He begged softly. Demi ran her fingers through her hair, taking a deep breath. He looked scared now and some part of Demi was glad. Glad that he understood how she felt but the bigger part of her felt sorry for him. She hated that she had done this.

"I know you want everyone to leave you but I'm not going to," Her tone had gained some confidence and Lockwood's eyebrows furrowed. Everything she had said made him think that she was about to leave. It was like whiplash, "As much as I want to run out of that bloody door and never look back, I'm not going to. Because I love you Anthony!" The confession hardly had the best timing but it was the truth. The God-honest truth and it made her heart hurt just thinking that he didn't know that. He was completely dumb-struck by it, "I love you and that is why I'm still standing here and I didn't go to Chase's doorstep, begging for forgiveness. Because I want to stick this out, I want to prove to you that you are worth more alive than dead. So, you're going to go upstairs and apologise to Lucy for shouting at her even if you don't mean it. Then, we're going to deal with this stupid case. Okay?" There was no questioning her words and Lockwood nodded his head. Demi took a deep breath and she leant up, pressing a kiss to his cheek, "I'm not leaving you." It was a promise and he smiled. It was a half-smile, nothing like his usual charm but it was good. A good smile.

And then he turned around and she let him head out the door.

-

After Lockwood left, Demi went straight down to the kitchen. She wanted a hot chocolate, it would help calm her mind down which meant that she hopefully would be able to fall asleep and wake up when it was all better. But it wouldn't be better. Not until Lockwood changed and she knew that would take more than her begging for it. He was stubborn.

The thinking cloth served as a reminder of everything as Demi sat at the table. Her mind was running round and round in circles. She wanted to go back to Chase. She didn't know why. She shouldn't have but he cared for her. When she was just a scared kid at Fittes, he took her in and told her that everything was going to be fine. She needed that but she knew it would never be the same. Not with him. Not after everything he'd done.

"Hey," Erin's voice startled Demi and she looked up from her mug briefly. But then her gaze returned back to the hot chocolate that was slowly beginning to cool.

"Hi." The frown on Demi's face was unmissable and despite her attempts to force neutrality, it was impossible. Her emotions loved to lay themselves bare at the most inconvenient moments. She was in the room with a Hampton and one of Chase's new agents. It wasn't the time to be emotionally vulnerable.

"You okay?" Erin asked from where she was standing, a little awkwardly towards the doorway. Her gaze was on Demi as her finger ran across the rim of her mug.

"Yeah." It was such an obvious lie but Demi didn't want to spill her guts out. It felt wrong. It felt stupid and she just felt idiotic. Her hand dropped from the mug and she let out a soft sigh.

"Tony is with Lucy," Erin informed. Demi nodded. That was good. That meant he was at least listening to her. That was what she needed.

"Good," She mumbled. The silence drew between them and Demi realised that she didn't even remember hearing Erin come into the house. She wasn't sure when she had even appeared. It didn't make sense, "Why are you here anyway?" Demi forced her gaze up from the mug, wrapping her hand around it.

Erin took her words as acceptance of her presence and walked over to the table, dropping down into the seat.
"Lucy called. Said she needed a friend, so I wanted to come over and help," Erin explained which made Demi smile, more to herself than anyone. Even if she and Lockwood were on rocky territory, at least everything was okay with Erin and Lucy. It gave Demi some hope for the group of dysfunctional teenagers. They were not doomed to fail.

"Makes sense," Demi mumbled and Erin nodded, smiling. Though it seemed a little awkward. It took her a moment to build up the courage but Demi lifted her gaze off the thinking cloth again, "How does chase feel about you befriending us? Or... well, me?" It was something she knew she didn't want to hear the answer to and yet she had asked it anyway. It was morbid curiosity and some part of Demi thought that Chase still cared.

"Oh... uh," Erin seemed hesitant at first before going on, "he is kind of iffy about it. I haven't been around you guys much, but after the whole Combe Carey Hall incident - well it's kind of toppled him over the edge," Erin explained. Demi nodded. That made a lot of sense. Erin had abandoned her team for them.

"In what way?" Demi asked curiously. She had remembered when somehow knocked Chase over the edge in the past. He'd get strict and a little cruel but it still felt like he cared. Like he was only doing it for the best. It didn't ever feel malicious.

"Just more strict is how I'd describe it. Like he is my dad or something," That made Demi chuckle humorlessly. That was Chase alright, "I usually don't spend nights at the residence but he has been requesting I stay over more often. My parents don't mind so I guess it's okay." Demi nodded. It was all very typical Chase. He was caring for Erin which is a lot more than what could be said after her and his relationship.

"He hasn't... has he talked about me?" Demi's tone was almost wishful and she knew that she shouldn't be hopeful. It was Chase. He didn't care for her. He had left her, he had abandoned her. It was wishful thinking to think that he still even thought of her. Yer, she was curious to know. Did the Agency know as much about Demi as Lockwood and George knew about Chase?

"Not much." Demi could tell that Erin was thrown off guard by the question which just made Demi feel silly. She pushed her fingers through her hair and took a deep breath. It was dumb but then Erin continued, "I think it's you in the photo on his bedside table though, if that's what you want to know." Demi's eyebrows pulled together in an instant and her gaze moved from her mug back to Erin's face again.

"Photo?" She asked softly. There was a sense of hope in her tone and she wished it wasn't there. She wished she wasn't so hopeful.

"You would have been nine or ten. You're sitting on his lap, his arms wrapped around you to keep you from falling off. Both of you are smiling like idiots. If I didn't know better, I would have thought you're family. He doesn't like to talk about it though, shuts the conversation down right away if I bring it up," Erin explained. A soft smile appeared on her face but it just broke Demi's heart. She buried her face in her hands for a moment before her gaze fixed on the bottom of the mug. Erin could tell she was processing so got to her feet and grabbed a glass of water.

By the time she had sat back down, Demi had only become more of a mix of emotions but she looked up at Erin with a frown.

"I don't think they deserve you." Her words were bold but soft. Like she was afraid of Erin's reaction. Which she was. She was absolutely terrified but if Chase could do everything that he did and yet still have a picture of her on his bedside table, she had to say it, "You're better than them." There was almost assertiveness to her tone but it wasn't pushy. Demi knew that Erin was a big girl and could do things for herself.

"I don't know, they make me proud to be a Hampton," Erin responded. Demi sighed and she pushed her hair behind her ear. Her hand wrapped around the hot chocolate mug. All of a sudden, she had lost most of her nerve.

But she had to at least try and warn the girl, "Chase uses people... for his own means. He wants you to feel part of something. He's not, not a good guy," Demi stumbled over her words a little but she knew that she got her message across. It was a warning and yet, she still felt guilty for overstepping, somehow.

"I don't know what he did to you, Demi, but he treats me well. He is a good guy to me. He chose me when it felt like no one else wanted to, he made me feel proud of myself." Erin's words were exactly snapping. It was firm but it still made Demi want to crawl up inside and die. It made her want to start crying all over again. But she didn't, she couldn't.

"He- I- I just don't." Demi tried to put together the words in her head but she gave up. It wasn't worth it and she didn't have any fight left in her, "Sorry," She mumbled. The silence engulfed them again and Demi wanted to just put her head through the nearest wall. Then maybe the pain wouldn't feel so all-consuming and her head would get back in shape.

"What's happening between you and Tony?" Erin asked curiously after a moment. It cut through the silence and Demi lifted her head. She fiddled with the mug in front of her.

"A lot but also nothing, it's like he just doesn't know when to stop," Demi explained but even that fell flat. She was so unsure of everything she was saying but Erin still seemed to understand, nodding her head.

"Sounds about right." And the silence threatened to take over again but Demi couldn't deal with it again.

So, she began talking, "It's like, I want to protect him and care for him, right? and I love him so much, like I'm so bloody head over heels, completely and utterly in love with him but he just has no idea. Not that I-I love him, I practically shouted it at him earlier, he's not that stupid but he's so used to being alone and being reckless and dumb that he doesn't realise, he doesn't care about himself like he should and I just want him to...to be careful. I love him so much and I can't, I can't bear to lose anyone else, if something happens to him, I wouldn't come back from it." Her words seemed to run together as she rambled and tripped over them. Every part of her was unsure and confused and she just needed to get it off her chest. She was quick to add, "Sorry, that was a bit pathetic. He's just... being an idiot and I need to sleep." Erin nodded, taking a sip of water. The silence engulfed them again and Demi was scrambling for anything to say. Which meant that she said the first thing that came to her head, "Do you like Lucy?" It was a very idiotic question and it only took Demi a beat to instantly regret it

But Erin didn't seem to find it overtly odd. Instead, she responded with a hint of a smile, "Obviously, she's a cool girl to have as a friend." Demi let her hand pull away from the mug and she looked up at Erin, tilting her head slightly. Demi had heard deflection before but never had it been so obvious.

"No as in, as... like more than a friend," Demi stumbled out. There was a hint of amusement to her tone but she still somehow felt like she was overstepping, "I mean, like, you always come to help her when she needs it and you drop everything to be around her. And I know Chase doesn't like me... or-or Lockwood or any of us here so you're going against everything to, to be here and I just, I could only assume..." The confidence quickly turned into nervous rambling and she tried to overcompensate by rambling a little too much about it all. It was ridiculous.

Erin was quiet for a moment, so quiet and Demi could hear herself breathing and her heart thumping. The anxiety had spiked in her system before Erin asked, "Am I really that obvious?" Demi was surprised by the admittance. It was easier than she had expected.

"Kind of but also... I can spot pining from a mile away," She chuckled awkwardly, trying to keep it light to save herself from possibly embarrassing herself. She was asking a Hampton about their love life. It was new territory, "I don't think George has noticed though." There was a hopeful note to her tone and Erin nodded.

"Do you think Lucy has?" Erin's words were careful and cautious and it was hard to miss how nervous she was.

"I don't think so," It was the truth even if Demi wished it wasn't, "I think she is too caught up in her feelings for you to notice and it's kind of sweet, if it wasn't so infuriating to watch your pining lesbian stares." Again, Demi attempted to inject humour into the conversation and when Erin didn't immediately send her a death glare, she let out a small chuckle. A smile pushed its way onto her face.

"You're taking the piss," Erin responded, completely dumbfounded by everything she was hearing. Demi stared at the girl for a moment.

"Erin... look at me, I'm really not," Demi mumbled. If she had the audacity to lie in the state she was in then she would simply be plain evil.

"Well... whatever it is, wherever she and I are at, I am content with it," Erin said, nodding to bring herself some confidence. Demi could only assume that was a lie. There was no way that they looked at each other like they did without wanting more, "You should get some rest," Erin added after a beat of silence, "Recover and talk to Tony in the morning to save your relationship." The girl got up, her glass of water mostly finished now as the chair scraped back. Demi nodded, staring down at her abandoned and now cold hot chocolate, "Goodnight, Demi." Demi smiled.

"Night, Erin." It was calm and after everything that had happened, Demi felt at least somewhat content. She pushed her chair out and got up but before she could even put her mug in the sink, Lockwood appeared in the kitchen doorway with her jacket - from the bannister - in hand.

"I think George is at the cemetery. We need to go," Lockwood insisted. Demi stared at him, dumb-founded for a second and he walked over to her. He pushed some of her hair behind her ear, glancing back to make sure that neither Erin or Lucy were looking, "I need you right now, Dem, but I understand if you want to stay here." His words were sincere and in that moment, despite everything, she knew that if she went with him, it would be okay.

"We need to find George," She insisted. Lockwood smiled. That charming grin that she adored so much. He pressed a soft kiss to her lips.

"I'll be with you the entire time," He promised. She nodded and grabbed the jacket from his hand, pulling it over her shoulders as they both headed out into the hallway. It was only when Demi went to grab her rapier that she realised something was wrong. Her wrist hurt in a way she hadn't felt before. But it wasn't important. George was their priority.

-

NOTES.

:) 

hope u enjoyed, hehe