Trigger Warning: Please check the ending notes for more details.
Big fat warning for the second section, it was written while I was dissociating and it could probably cause some dissociation if you're prone to it.

Monday, September 7th, 2020: 2:17 PM

"Do you think I have to tell Remy I was- I was raped because we're dating?" Virgil suddenly exclaimed, midway through a game of Uno in therapy, Dr. Picani across from him.

The doctor blinked, surprised. "Well, hold on now, 'have to?' that doesn't really make it sound like you want to tell him." Virgil said nothing, chewing on his thumbnail as he drew another card, "Do you want to tell Remy?" Emile prompted.

"They've got a right to know, don't they?" Virgil asked angrily.

"Says who?" Picani asked calmly, putting down a card.

"I- they're my boyfriend. They have a right to know." Virgil said, not offering any more information.

"Nobody has a right to your trauma," Emile said, voice unwavering. Virgil stopped paying attention to the game, instead choosing to glare at the floor. "Is there a reason you think otherwise?" The therapist asked slowly. Virgil snorted, vaguely gesturing to himself. "Now that's not really an answer, is it?" Picani responded, offering a small smile.

"I feel like- like a liar. A fraud. Don't they deserve to know that they're dealing with damaged goods?" Virgil clearly looked distressed now, having abandoned the cards to pick at a loose string on his jacket.

"Well, damaged goods isn't a good way to think of yourself, is it?" Virgil shrugged. "Let's rethink this," Picani continued, "Think of some characters we know of who have also experienced trauma that affected them and how they act. Amethyst or Zuko or Catra. Would you call those characters 'damaged goods' because they have a complicated past?"

Virgil sighed, bringing his knees up to his chest, "No," he muttered, not looking at the therapist across from him.

"So, is there any reason for your situation to be different?" Picani prompted, an eyebrow raised.

"I- I don't know." Virgil answered honestly, "Just thinking about talking about it makes me feel so- disgusting. Because he makes me feel so much better about myself but, thinking about what happened makes me feel the exact opposite. I just want to forget. But I can't. I have to live with it forever. So doesn't that make it worth telling him?" Virgil rubbed his hand over his eyes, taking in a strangled breath.

"I can't answer this for you, Virgil." Emile reminded gently, "But I can support you while you're finding your answer. Afterward, too."

"Yeah, I know." He muttered unhappily.

Emile frowned, "Is there a reason you're bringing this up now? Or is this something you've been thinking about since you got together?"

Virgil sighed, "I had a panic attack or a flashback, or fucking something when Remy asked me out. They felt terrible, and I was mortified. So, we agreed we need some kind of plan in case something like that happens again and we can't get to my dads. But I just... how am I supposed to explain my triggers and why I react the way I do without telling them why I'm like that. And shouldn't I have told them already? I... I dunno."

"Virgil, that information is yours and yours alone. You don't ever have to share that information with others if you do not want to. Obviously, you choose to share that information with me so I can hopefully help you work through it. But even if I was the only person in the world you shared this with, that would still be okay. People should respect your boundaries without asking about why it's a boundary."

"I guess."

Emile adjusted his glasses, "If you or Remy want help with making a type of safety plan, I am happy to help. I've done these kinds of things before."

Virgil shrugged, leaning against the couch and closing his eyes for a few moments.

Emile watched the action, taking in just how tired Virgil looked. "How have you been sleeping lately?" He asked softly.

Virgil sighed, attempting to smirk, but only succeeding in looking overwhelmed. "You're smart, doc," he said, avoiding the question.

"With how many years I went to school, I would hope so." Emile joked. Virgil's frown remained.

"I can barely sleep," Virgil started, staring at the ceiling, "I don't know why. I'm on edge, but there's no reason for it,"

"That must be frustrating," Picani sympathized.

"Yeah," Virgil scoffed, "Yeah, it really fucking is."

———

Monday, September 7th, 2020: 5:27 PM

Somebody knocked on the door. "Dinner!" The voice called, drifting into Virgil's room. Virgil didn't respond but did get up to go downstairs.

Step

by step

by step

Virgil went.

There was food on a plate. People at a table. Including Virgil. It felt like there were bugs on Virgil. It felt like someone was running their fingers over his skin, again and again. They were crawling across Virgil's skin across and across and across. Virgil slapped his right arm against the opposite forearm, trying to get rid of the fingers or maybe the bugs.

The other people looked at Virgil. Although, Virgil didn't feel like a person right now. Someone said words. Virgil blinked; he didn't know what any of the words meant.

Something touched Virgil. Virgil flailed away from the touch, tipping over the chair.

Virgil was tired. He laid down. His hand found something that felt nice so he decided to keep touching it. Again Again Again Again Again AGAIN AGAIN AGAIN AGAIN.

Things were moving around him but Virgil did not care. Something heavy was put on top of him. But it was nice and heavy. And it was warm. Virgil felt nice.

———

Wednesday September 9th, 2020: 6:12 PM

"It never gets easier, seeing him like this," Roman stated, watching as Virgil stared at nothing. He was unresponsive and panicked when touched, so the three had left him alone for the past hour, the only exception being when Logan had draped Virgil's weighted blanket on top of him.

Virgil had spent about 15 minutes aggressively rubbing their hand on the rug next to him. Logan, Patton, and Roman were not of the idea that they should repress Virgil's stimming, especially during dissociative episodes as it could help ground him, but it was still startling to see how irritated his hand looked; rug burn, most likely, nothing that would cause any or long-lasting harm.

"I know, honey," Patton said sadly, leaning over to place a kiss on Roman's cheek. The three had settled a bit away from Virgil, playing card games while waiting for him to come out of the episode. They were close enough that they would be able to see any changes in Virgil's behavior, but far enough to not overwhelm him.

"I just feel so... helpless," Roman sighed, setting his cards down.

Logan frowned, setting his cards down too, "I can see why you feel that way Roman, but you must remind yourself that you can't fix everything. Virgil has PTSD. He will have episodes and bad days. The important thing is that we continue to support him."

Roman didn't seem encouraged, looking back over to Virgil.

"Logan's right!" Patton chimed in, taking Roman's hand gently, "Remember what Picani always says? Recovery isn't lin-lin, um," Patton looked at Logan, smiling awkwardly.

"Linear, Patton," Logan answered, lip twitching up in a small smile, "Meaning that there will always be ups and downs, as it is not a straight path."

"I know," Roman groaned, running a hand through his hair, "But it's always so much harder seeing your- your kid have to go through it," Logan and Patton didn't make any move to disagree, "It's times like these where I'm reminded of how young Virgil is, yet how much shit he's seen, and how none of it was in his control," Roman stuttered in a breath, overwhelmed.

"Roman," Logan said softly, reaching to wipe the tears from Roman's face, "Virgil's here. He made it. He's going to be okay, you both are." Roman nodded, sniffling.

"V?" Patton asked suddenly. Roman wiped the remainder of his tears away before turning around.

Virgil had turned away from the table, now facing the three of them. He was curled under his weighted blanket. He looked tiny, but at least his eyes were looking around the room, meaning he was a little more aware.

Patton smiled when Virgil's eyes eventually settled on Patton's chest, "Hi honey," Patton greeted warmly, "How long have you been back?" Virgil shrugged, and Roman was inclined to believe that he was still dissociating a bit. Patton didn't let his smile waiver, "Okay well, I was just about to watch The Nightmare Before Christmas, want to join me?" Virgil nodded, slowly working to stand up as Patton set up the movie. Logan and Roman silently cleaned up the card game.

Afterward, Logan excused himself to do some work in his office, while Roman joined Patton and Virgil on the couch. Roman took a deep breath and reminded himself that memories were just that: memories. Harvey couldn't hurt him. Harvey couldn't hurt Virgil. No matter what Roman and Virgil felt, they would be okay.

Trigger Warnings:
(Healthy) talks about rape/sexual assault from the views of an unreliable narrator
Heavy dissociation

Thanks for reading!!!! :p