27.

THE DRIVE to Fairview Cemetery was eventful to say the least.

By the time we arrived, my hands were sweaty, and my palms were kissed with nail marks from squeezing my fists so tightly. Yet, somehow, we'd made it.

The second the car stopped, I'd tumbled out of my seat, falling onto the grass with trembling knees. Jace held me for a few minutes until he decided I was calm enough. Then, he disappeared to ask the groundskeeper for directions.

I sat on the grass alone, picking loose stalks of grass out of the soil and tossing bark across the floor.

Fairview hadn't changed in the year since I'd been here. The gates I rode my wheelchair through were still rusted and old. The gravestones still stuck out of the dirt like weeds. Were there more? Probably. I couldn't tell.

I turned away from them, squeezing my eyes shut.

One of them belonged to Amber. I couldn't even recognise which one was hers. A sudden pang of guilt hit me. I'd never visited. I'd never cleaned her grave or left her flowers. She had no family left in West Mormet. I wondered if she even got any visitors.

I'd abandoned her.

My heart pinched and I felt my eyes burn, but before I could spiral, Jace interrupted.

"It's just down this way," he said, coming to a stop in front of me. I looked up, tears welled in my eyes, and his smile fell. His hand dropped to his side; flowers clutched in his fist. I sniffed, gazing up at him.

"Where did you get those?"

He blinked down at the flowers in his hand, as if just remembering they were there. "Some ladies were selling them near the groundskeepers. Thought I'd buy a few. You know, make a good first impression."

I laughed and he reached out a hand, pulling me to my feet. I dusted myself off, turning to face the daunting gates that lead into the cemetery. That lead me to Amber.

Jace, having never released my hand, gave my fingers a short squeeze, and we began walking.

We walked through the rusting gates and past the rows upon rows of graves. Graves and head stones. Mourning families. Families leaning over the ground, cleaning memorials, and laying flowers. Parents leaving unused toys at tombstones. In the distance, a burial was taking place.

I turned away, my breath catching in my throat.

Amber, I thought to myself, the words threatening to scream out of me. Amber, are you here?

Please be here.

I miss you.

We continued walking, Jace leading me down one path, then another, and then things began to become very familiar.

I recognised the path. The trees.

And then there it was.

There she was.

Amber.

I spotted it first. My legs screeched to a halt, my knees wobbling beneath me as tears burned at my eyes. Jace paused, following my gaze to Amber's headstone.

Amber Liu.

NOV 18, 2003 – OCT 12, 2020

Our beloved daughter.

Someone had rested flowers by it. In fact, there were a few bouquets, all of them fresh. I guessed that some people had already visited her for her birthday. My heart trembled. I was happy. I was so happy that people were still visiting her, still remembering her. I prayed that she wasn't lonely.

I'd left her alone for a year now, but I was back.

I was here.

Jace's hand left mine and I turned slightly to watch him step towards the grave. He stopped at the headstone, kneeling to place his flowers beside it. He'd picked pink flowers. Her favourite colour.

I waited for him to stand, but he stayed there, kneeling in the soil, his hand resting on the bouquet and eyes on the gravestone.

"Hi Amber," he said finally. He rubbed the back of his neck, his cheeks blushing awkwardly. "Bit of a weird way to meet, isn't it?"

I stilled, suddenly feeling weak. He was speaking to her. He was speaking to Amber.

"I'm Jace. Jace Wilson. Or Walker. Either works, really," he continued. "I'm Jasmine's friend. I heard you guys have been friends for a long time. I hope you don't mind me stealing her away."

I let out a quiet laugh and he smiled, still looking down at Amber. He paused, as if searching for words.

"I wish I could have met you in life. Jasmine talks about you a lot. She really loved you. She misses you. Sometimes, I don't know what to do. I don't want to see her hurting. I wish I could just – just take away all that pain, you know? Wipe those tears. Take that pain from her heart and see her smile."

He swallowed, shaking his head slightly.

"I really like her, Amber." His voice lowered, though I could still hear him, and he was well aware judging by the flaming red that stained his cheeks. "I know we both have things to work through right now. Things that will take time. Things that may never stop haunting us. But I hope one day – one day soon – we could be something. We could have a future. And I hope you'd give us your blessing and watch down on us, from wherever you may be."

He smiled, leaning back and placing his hands on his knee, ready to stand back up, but not before saying, "Happy birthday, Amber. It was nice meeting you."

"I hope that was okay," he said as he stood. He turned to me with a shy grin on his face – waiting, unsure, watching for my reaction. My pulse quickened and my heart fluttered in my chest.

Then, I was walking forward and throwing my arms around his neck. He reacted immediately, holding me close, his arms tight around my waist and face buried against my skin.

"I'm sorry," he muttered, and I felt wet tears on my neck. "I'm sorry. No one deserves this."

"It's okay," I replied. My voice cracked and I realised I was crying too. "It's alright. We can't change what happened. We can only change how we react, right? We can only change the future."

Words I'd heard before. Where? From one of my many therapists? I couldn't remember now, but it sounded more like I was trying to convince myself than anything else.

"You just – you must be so hurt, Jasmine. I wish – I wish you didn't have to hurt. I wish no one had to hurt."

"What would we be without the hurt?" I said, the words quiet. Honest. "The hurt shapes us, Jace. Remember?"

He pulled away and I released him, tapping my wrist. He sent me a watery smile, nodding. "Right. Do you think she likes the flowers I got her?"

I laughed, glancing down at the garden of flowers that scattered across her grave.

"She loves them," I said. "I know it. Pink is her favourite colour, you know?"

"Really?" I nodded and he smiled. "I guess I've just got great taste, then."

My laugh came out choked by a sob. It was something Amber would've said, if she were here. They had similar senses of humour – Jace and Amber.

I frowned down at her headstone. If she were here.

Except, she wasn't here. Not anymore. She was gone, and I was still here. I was here – broken. A mess. Stuck, not moving, not changing. What would Amber have said if she saw me like this?

That was a stupid question. I knew what she'd say. She'd say I was being silly. She'd say I was stronger than this. That I had a life ahead of me. She'd say, how are you going to be a doctor if you can't look at blood? If you don't pay attention in class? Get it together, girl!

My smile faltered, tears sliding down my cheeks and into my mouth, leaving a salty taste.

That was exactly what she'd say.

"Do you want me to leave you two alone?" Jace asked. I turned to see him watching me carefully, a wrinkle in his brow. I shook my head, reaching out to tug at his sleeve.

"No," I whimpered, my lips trembling. "Stay. Please?"

He nodded and I released a breath, slowly lowering myself to sit cross-legged beside her. Jace followed, sitting beside me in silence, a hand rubbing my knee comfortingly.

This was what I'd been waiting for. The moment I thought about for the past year. And yet, all words suddenly escaped me. My mouth felt dry. My head spun. I didn't know how to begin.

So, I settled with a simple, "Hey."

Then, I laughed.

This was absurd.

Jace's hand stilled on my knee, but he never removed it. A silent reminder that he was there – that he wasn't going to leave.

"When did it become so hard to talk to you?" I asked quietly. I snorted. "Maybe when you died?"

Silence.

"Yeah," I muttered to myself. "That was probably when."

I turned down to ground, brushing my fingers over the flowers that visitors had left here. Silky petals beneath calloused fingertips, rough from chewing the nailbeds – a nervous habit I'd formed after the accident. I wondered if her parents had visited from wherever they'd run away to. Probably not.

If it was hard for me to lose a friend, it must have been much worse to lose a daughter.

"Happy birthday, Amber," I started slowly. "I miss you. A lot."

"I think about you every day," I continued. "I think about how we would ride our tricycles around the neighbourhood when we were kids. How I thought you were so cool for removing your training wheels before me.

"I think about our first school dance in middle school. I didn't have a date, so you went with me. Turned down half the school for me, but I'm glad it was you. I wouldn't have wanted anyone else. You wore a glittery dress and I wore a horrible suit, if we could even call it that. I hated it, but you said I looked cool."

I laughed quietly, shaking my head.

"You were always doing that. Cheering me up. Getting me out of my shell. Inviting me to movies with cute boys. Taking me to massive parties." I paused, my heart stuttering. Jace was still beside me, his hand resting on my knee, giving me a reassuring squeeze every now and then.

I sucked in a shaky breath.

"We shouldn't have gone to that party, Amber," I cried. My body trembled and Jace wrapped a gentle arm around me. "I shouldn't have gotten so drunk. We should've stayed home. We should've done anything else. Maybe then you'd still be here. Maybe then that drunk driver would have missed us.

"Maybe then we wouldn't have had to leave early. Maybe then..." I swallowed thickly, the words heavy on my tongue. How long had I gone without saying these words? It was our secret. Our secret that I had buried deep after I woke up in the hospital. Words that I pretended didn't exist. "Maybe then I wouldn't have kissed you."

If Jace was surprised, he didn't show it. Instead, he continued to hold me as hot tears fell from my lashes.

It hadn't meant anything. I was drunk. Amber was my best friend. I loved her. I loved her as my best friend. If it was anything more than that, I'd never know now. She was gone.

"I'm sorry," I whispered. My voice cracked. The world came to a halt and I released a painful sob. "I'm so sorry, Amber. I wish we never went to that stupid party."

My throat was burning now. My entire body felt like ice. I could see it all happening in front of my eyes. The green light. The car. The tires screeching against the tarmac. That crash. Amber's screams.

"Sarah Lakely," I said, the name bitter on my lips. "Can you believe it? Can you believe no one stopped her? Five years in the same school. Who knew she would be your killer? Who knew she would get so drunk that she couldn't even walk in a straight line – couldn't even call 911 after the accident?"

I sighed, squeezing my eyes shut as hiccups wracked through me. My voice grew quieter.

"She apologised, you know?" I murmured to Amber. "She apologised to me. To your parents. Before she left town, she apologised and – and I couldn't forgive her. I couldn't even say her name. Couldn't look at her. She did this. She ruined us. Ruined you."

My fist loosened and Jace shifted, taking my hand into his. I squeezed his fingers and let out a tight breath, feeling air dissipate from my lungs, feeling a weight lift from my shoulders.

"But I forgive her," I said, my voice breaking, my lungs burning. "Maybe I'll never be able to talk about her without feeling so – so angry and sad. Without missing you. Maybe I'll never want to see her face again. But I forgive her. I know you'd want me to. I need to start moving forward. I need to stop seeing your blood staining the road every time I see the colour red. I need to stop shaking every time I get into a car. I know it will take time. A lot of time. But I have people who love me. I have people supporting me, and I think I can do it. I know I can.

"I miss you, Amber," I said finally. "I miss you so much. And – and I love you. I think I'll always love you."

A loud sob ripped from my chest and I turned, burying my face into Jace's chest. And I let myself sob. I let myself scream and cry. I let myself remember Amber, in life and in death. I let myself remember her smile. Her hugs. Her laugh.

Jace held me tight. He held me through my sobs. He held me, even as I trembled and shook.

And then, when the sobs faded into hiccups, which turned into quiet sniffles – when the energy inside of me had drained, and the pain in my chest had lessened – we pulled apart.

I turned to Amber's grave, and a breeze pushed at my face, rustling the flowers, and drying my tears.

▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔

AUTHOR'S NOTE

omg I almost forgot to update today lol I hope you liked this chapter!! Definitely need to edit it a lot (I mean, I need to edit the whole story but that's a problem for future me) but let me know what you thought!

Thank you as always for reading, commenting and voting! And thank you all so much for 35k reads! I love you all so much! Have a great week!!!