13. 

I PULLED AT A LOOSE PIECE OF THREAD that dangled off the wrist of my jumper. My cold, shaking fingers grabbed at it once, twice, before finally catching it. I twisted it around my finger and with a single hard tug, I ripped it from the fabric.

"Jas, are you listening?"

I blinked, lifting my head to meet Piper's eyes. She frowned at me and her brows wrinkled – not out of annoyance. No, I knew that look. It had become engrained into my life – etched on the faces of everyone around me, shifting whenever I passed, whenever the wrong words slipped from my lips, whenever my smile wavered.

It was worry. Pity.

"Sorry, what was it?"

She released a short breath of annoyance and for a moment I thought she would push it – ask if I was okay, ask if I should go home instead of being at school today. Maybe she'd mention Amber instead of pretending she never existed for once.

But instead, she shook her head and said, "I was talking about that new K-Drama I'm watching, remember? I think you'd really like it."

"Really?" I hummed distantly, my eyes drifting back to my sleeve. Why were there so many loose threads? My fingers shook as I took another thread between my bitten nails, tugging at it half-heartedly.

"Yeah," Piper said uncertainly. "It's really cute."

I hummed in response, twisting the thread around my finger, trying to focus on the way it felt cutting into my skin, turning the flesh white.

After my mini breakdown yesterday, I'd been too exhausted to be embarrassed. My mind was full. My head was spinning. I had so many thoughts that I couldn't concentrate on a single one.

So, instead, I decided to forget it all. Forget that a year ago, today, Amber released her last breath trapped beneath metal beside me. Forget the sad look my mother gave me whenever I walked into the room. Forget the way Piper had changed her tone around me, changed the things we spoke about after she saw me lying in that hospital bed, emotionless.

Forget everything except Jace's arms around me. The quiet between us. That comfortable warmth he carried with him.

He didn't push. He didn't pity. He only listened with that understanding silence I'd come to miss since I'd lost Amber. And talking about her – actually putting all those memories and dreams and thoughts into words. Actually hearing them in the air around me and watching Jace react – not with sadness or worry, but with a smile – it had been different.

Different compared to how stifling West Mormet had become since Amber died that night.

I realised, with a start, how silent Piper and I had fallen, and I glanced at her face to find her staring past me, her brow wrinkled, and her bottom lip pulled between her teeth.

"What –" before I could finish my question, a hand rested on my shoulder. I turned, my heart jumping slightly in surprise, to find Hugh standing beside me.

"Hugh," I said, staggering back, hating the feeling of his hand on me. "Hi."

"Hey, listen." He frowned, patting me awkwardly. "Sorry about Amber, Ali."

Oh.

Four simple words, yet a chill ran down my spine. I felt as if I'd been dunked in freezing water. My mouth turned dry and suddenly I couldn't breathe. I wished I could breathe.

He murmured something I couldn't hear before patting my back again and drifting away in silence, glancing at me over his shoulder with a pitiful look when he reached the end of the hallway.

Pity.

Around him, others glanced my way, sending frowns and looks of pity. It was like everyone was staring – everyone's eyes were watching. Waiting.

Of course. Because it was October 12. What did I expect?

My heart hiccupped painfully in my chest and I fisted my hands into fists by my side – caked with dried blood. Blood that seeped into my fingers. Blood that would take forever to wash off from beneath my nails.

Except, no. I was imagining it.

I squeezed my eyes shut, still feeling the blood on my fingers, stuck beneath my nails.

Imagined. I knew it, and yet my wrist itched. My entire body itched. My chest. My lungs. They ached. Ached like they did last October 12th.

Like I was pinned beneath metal, and glass was sprinkled over my skin, catching in my hair and eyelashes. Like I was bleeding and broken, and worst of all – like Amber was beside me, screaming. Crying.

Jasmine?

Suddenly the fluorescents of the hallway flashed around me like headlights of a car. The slamming of lockers turned into the crash of metal on metal. Blood rushed in my ears and I gasped for air.

Jasmine, am I dying?

Every inch of oxygen had left my lungs. I felt as though water had filled my chest, weighing me down, suffocating me.

Am I going to die?

Why couldn't I just breathe?

"Jasmine?"

I snapped my eyes to meet Piper's. She watched me cautiously, her brown eyes narrowed, and suddenly I could breathe again. I could breathe again. I was at school. I was fine. Safe. Alive.

I sucked in a deep breath, my nails biting skin.

"What was the K-Drama called?" I managed.

Piper's lips twitched unsurely. "Well, it's on Netflix. You've probably seen it –"

Her voice droned out as she explained the drama, but all I could see now was the hallway. The students. Talking. Laughing.

How could they laugh?

How could they act like this was just any other day, while Amber's voice still echoed in my mind? While her blood still stained my skin?

No, they were laughing. Like Amber wasn't dead. Like Amber wasn't left lying in a fucking mangled driver's seat, bleeding out. Dead. All because of one bad decision.

Fifty years too early. No, seventy years too early. She was only seventeen. Seventeen, and she lost her entire future.

She'd never have her eighteenth. Her twenty-first. She'd never get married or have a family like she so desperately wanted. She'd never go to law school. She'd never travel. Never do any of the things she'd dreamed of.

And I lost my best friend.

My friend since birth. The one person I could go to about anything. The one person who could cheer me up no matter what.

Who would lie under the covers with me when my favourite show ended, holding me as I cried? Who would sneak into my room when I was on my period, bringing chocolate and a heating pack?

No one could ever replace her.

Suddenly, the school speakers chimed, alerting us of a morning announcement. I blinked. Piper paused and we both met eyes, listening as the announcement began.

"Good morning West Mormet High," a voice came from the school speakers. "We would like all students to meet in the auditorium for a compulsory memorial for one of our students, Amber Liu. Please make your way to the auditorium now. Thank you."

The speakers fell silent.

The halls fell silent.

Eyes drifted to me.

My heart sank into my stomach and a lump grew in my throat. Eyes on me. Everywhere, eyes on me.

No one had to say anything, I knew what they were thinking.

"Jas?" Piper muttered, her voice barely there beneath the static in my ears. "We need to go."

To the memorial. I knew we did – It was compulsory – but my legs refused to move. My steps glued to the floor, hiccupping to a halt, unable to step forward. How could I? I already thought about Amber every spare minute of the past year. Her face was burned into the underside of my eyelids.

How could I sit through a memorial for her?

With testimonies from teachers. With a moment of silence. With photos and videos of her. I hadn't seen her face since the funeral. Playing music, she probably didn't even like, because it was all for show. No one cared. If they did, how could they walk around laughing like it was nothing? Like today was nothing?

"Jas?"

Her fingers wrapped around my arm, but I couldn't. I couldn't.

I stepped back, ripping my arm out of her grip.

"I'm not going," I managed croakily.

"What?"

"I'm not going." I took another step back, shaking my head. "I can't – I – the memorial, it –"

"It's compulsory," she said lowly. Her eyes darted around, glancing at the students passing – the students who had stopped to watch us after the announcement. "Come on, Jas. Let's go. Amber would've wanted –"

"You don't know what Amber would've wanted!" I snapped. I cut her a glare, wrinkling my nose at her. "Don't you fucking dare. How dare you bring her up now out of all – you – you have no idea –"

My voice broke and I shot her one last look before turning and leaving. I walked down the hall, keeping my head high despite the stares that followed.

A few students reached out, their hands hovering over their empty words. "Are you okay?"

I ignored them, my pace picking up into a jog. Then, I was running.

I ran until my heart stopped aching. I ran until my eyes stopped burning, until I tasted salt in my mouth and knew I was crying. I shoved the hallway doors open, running out into the courtyard and found myself in the corner Jace hid us in yesterday.

I gasped for air, my throat like fire, and slid down the wall until I sat with my head in my hands. Tears leaked slowly from my eyes and I sniffed.

My fingers trembled and I pressed them against my eyes, wiping furiously at the few tears that fell, before pulling them away and staring at my wet fingertips idly.

I blinked.

Then scoffed.

Then slowly, I began to laugh.

I laughed, chuckling quietly at myself, at my trembling fingers, at my chewed nails.

"Jasmine?"

I turned, mid-chuckle, to find Jace watching me, the doors to the courtyard falling shut just behind him. His hair was tousled, and he panted slightly, and I wondered if he'd run all this way.

He took me in for a moment, his eyes drifting over me. A part of me thought I should feel self-conscious. My hair was knotted, my cheeks had tear stains, I sat on the floor after breaking down in public. But all I could think was – of course, Jace was here.

He was always here.

And I was grateful. Despite everything, I was glad to see him.

His jaw clenched before he released a sigh, sliding down the wall beside me to sit.

"Why are you laughing?" he asked, furrowing his brows. His arm knocked into mine and I stilled, turning back to my damp fingertips.

"I thought I'd cry more," I said, exhaling through my nose in an imitation of a laugh. "I thought I'd cry and cry until I collapsed of dehydration but look – barely anything."

I showed him my fingertips and he stared at them for a moment before lifting his own hand, touching his fingers to mine and wiping the tears off them. Then, he intertwined them, taking his hand into mine.

My smile slipped from my lips and I stared at our hands. Stared at them. Felt his warmth spread onto my cold, trembling fingers.

"It's okay," he said quietly.

We paused.

Heavy silence fell over us.

Vaguely, I could hear the microphones from the auditorium – from Amber's memorial.

I chuckled to myself. How ironic. I ran all this way to escape the memorial, and yet it still followed me here. Amber followed me everywhere.

I had to laugh. It burst from my lips without warning.

My laugh cracked.

I sniffled.

My throat burned.

A tear fell.

And suddenly I was sobbing.

My shoulders shook as sob after sob wracked through my body.

Jace's fingers released mine and suddenly he was holding me, wrapping his arms around me as I gasped for air.

"It's too much," I cried, my voice breaking and tears wetting my lips. "It's too fucking much."

"I know," Jace muttered, frowning. His hands rubbed over my arms, my back, warming me up. He was always so warm. He pulled at the hair that had fallen loose around my neck, raking it back up into my bun. "It's okay. Let it out."

And I sobbed until my eyes burned and throat turned dry. Until I was hiccupping for air.

And the entire time, Jace held me, rubbing at my trembling fingers and icy skin.

And I let it out.

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AUTHOR'S NOTE

things are picking up and I hope you guys are enjoying it! let me know what you think so far! the next chapter picks up right where we left off, so tell me all your predictions for it hehe

thank you for reading, voting and commenting! I hope you all had a great Valentine's day! See you soon!